Crohn's Disease and Sex

[LilyBelle]

I am in need of help. I feel I have no one to talk to in regards of how I feel sexually disatisfied. I feel guilty for even saying this to an online forum to strangers, just because my husband can't help it.

My husband has Crohn's disease. If you are not familiar with CD, it is a cruel autoimmune disorder that attacks the intestines. He was diagnosed two years before we got married (we were dating then). Little by little, I started learning more about what I could do to help him, what Crohn's was, and how he dealt with it. Now, we are married and it's been a little more than a year, but I feel like it is taking its toll on our sex life, and I feel so awful.

before we got married, we had premarital counseling and talked about sex and how CD may affect it. We thought we both had equally high sex drives and my husband reassured me he "woudln't be able to keep his hands off me" even if his Crohn's was bothering him. For a couple months after we got married, we had sex everyday, it it was awesome! I was thinking, well, maybe he has more control over his Crohn's than I thought. Then months passed, we became busy students (with him working for his Master's and me finishing my last semester of college) and he was become more stressed. His stress triggers his Crohn's and he gets bad flare ups. By the time he comes home from work and I come home from teaching, he is exhausted and sick and doesn't want sex. I feel "sexier" in the evenings while he wants sex in the mornings, but with our schedules, it doesn't work out. I have to wake up 6:30 a.m. to get ready for school and hardly have the time and I feel too tired, plus he is in deep sleep and doesn't want to woken up anyways. I started wondering if the reason why we had sex so much months ago was because he felt like he had to. He's told me before he's had sex with me when he felt like he couldn't, but he endured the pain to make me happy. Which makes me feel guilty for even asking for sex. I have told him I've felt sexually dissatisfied a couple times, because he likes to tease that we have "sex all the time" (when reality is we might have sex a couple times a week, or less). I try to gently tell him that I don't feel like we have sex as much as he thinks, but he reminds me of his disease why he can't have sex with me.

I am the instigator when it comes to sex, because I feel if I don't, then we most certainly will not have sex, and there are many times when I ask, and he says not tonight. We've probably had sex 4 times this month (which may seem a lot for some) but for me, that just isn't enough. We're still very young and been married just a little bit over a year. I don't want to come off as selfish or needy. I understand my husband is in a lot of pain and discomfort and he does go out of his way to meet my other needs, but when it comes to sex, I feel so alone, unwanted, and unvalued. I love him and I love having sex with him, and I just want to be intimately connected to him. I just need advice or comfort from anyone who might understand my situation. As far as counseling goes, I want to go once we can afford it, but we really can't right now, nor do we have the time as we are about to move to another state and I am graduating very soon. Please help.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I can't answer really because I don't have chrons (though I know people with it) but this topic really made me think because I hadn't considered how chrons would affect a sex life. Wow. I know for me, my wife and I have health issues that can get in the way of sex. I'm a bit more of of the person who wants alot of sex (young still). So its
frustrating when health gets in the way.

4 times a month would be hard for me. Though sometimes it can be that low. If hes in pain though its so hard to figure out what to do. Your right its a awkward spot to be in. You want them to be pain free, but you also have your needs too. I don't want to get to personal because many on here aren't that open but have you talked about using "toys". Its one way he could "help you" and wouldn't cause him pain. I realize its not the same as physical uh "bonding", but it least means you would be able to release and he could at least be happy that your happy.

Again while I can't give a specific answer since I don't have chrons, I will tell you you two need to talk to someone about this because when sex becomes an issues people can easily start looking for other ways to.... release. For some they turn to inappropriate content, for others they turn to other people. Not saying you would do that of course. But realize the urge for sex can be strong and make you feel crazy sometimes and tempted.

 

[LinkH]

Ask him if his disease wasn't bothering him, if he'd like to have more sex. If he would, then agree to both get on a schedule where you go to bed early and have sex with him in the morning. If he's down for that idea, give it a try for a while. If you go to bed early enough and his disease does not bother him in the morning, getting up at 5:30 or 6 to have sex should not be that big of a problem.

I'll pray for him. Believe God to heal your husband.

 

[LilyBelle]

Nothingimpossible, thank you for your candid and thoughtful answer. I do want to talk to my husband again, but it worries me to bring it up because last time I did, it became an argument. I might suggest other ways we can still be able to bond. It may not be traditional sex, but you're right, he and I would still be satisfied. Sure beats feeling like this.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, 4 times a month isn't what she said. She said 4 times this month, and it's the 13th. So, that's an average of once every 3 days or so. lol

 

[LilyBelle]

Well, 4 times a month isn't what she said. She said 4 times this month, and it's the 13th. So, that's an average of once every 3 days or so. lol

I wish that were true. the last time we had sex was two weeks ago. Before then, it was two weeks before that. I guess what I am trying to say is recently, in the past 30 days, we've had sex twice. Sorry for the confusion. I guess if you were look at the past 2 months it would average about 4 times a month.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Honestly, no. He has an illness that is hard to just ignore. You saying you feel unwanted and unattractive...no. You need to get over that. He loves you and finds you attractive, and you need to be understanding of his pain and discomfort. The vows said "in sickness and in health". He has to deal with constant discomfort, whereas you just have to handle feeling slightly rejected every so often? I think you have the better end of the deal here. Sorry for being harsh, but again...no.

You said when you first got married sex was a daily thing. And now you're both under more stress, and your schedules don't line up well. It makes sense that sex will become less frequent, and it's not a sign that your marriage is failing, or that your husband doesn't want you. I understand this takes patience on your part, but it's worth it.

I have chronic pain, and it's distracting and exhausting, because it's every waking minute of the day. I've been married six years, and the problem started three years ago. There are times where sex is the last thing I want, and my husband is understanding of that. And then there are times that even if I'm in pain, I still want to be intimate with him, and I just try to ignore the pain. We also have a baby under a year old. Anyway, right now we're both satisfied with our sexual frequency because we figured out an arrangement that works for both of us.

Communication is key. Talk about this with him, calmly, and try to come up with some understanding of where both of you are coming from. I pray for healing for your husband.

 

[johndoo]

Try to take advantage of the mornings that you have off since that is his time.
Most traditional teaching jobs have Sat. and Sunday off and holidays and summers.
So those late mornings can be scheduled times/routines.

ASSECT is the national body that certifies sex therapists. Look into this and in the city where you will be moving - if anyone is certified.

A book like "His Needs, Her Needs" or "the five love languages" help clarify who needs what more in a relationship and validates your need. Psychology Today had handouts online for high desire/low desire couples that were helpful.

Sometimes sex is like other areas of marriage-- selfishness can be apparent. A therapist may have to help show your husband how he can serve you in this aspect. You can try to bring this up but it is a delicate situation.

He should continue to work closely with his doctor to control his disease. Get plenty of sleep. Do the natural things to raise testosterone - eat broccoli, zinc supplements, Vit. D supplements. Prednisone will kill your whole hormonal system - I know from personal experience.

 

[98cwitr]

I don't mean to sound too crass, but how often would you need to have sex with him to feel not alone, wanted, and valued? I think there is a lot of self-esteem emotions regarding sex, but the direct correlation of sex=intimacy may be able to be broadened some. What other ways, other than sex, does he make (or can he make) you feel wanted and valued?

How often do you two kiss and hold each other? What about foreplay? Is he affectionate in other ways? Sex every two weeks is a bit low volume for a normal marriage, but with medical issues I'm sure it's not uncommon.

I hope you can find your own self worth and value as a wife in acts beyond sex and enjoy your marriage to him while feeling fulfilled.

 

[tall73]

You have already gotten some pretty good advice so far regarding your approach to the situation. What kind of treatment is your husband using? Does his Crohn's ever go into remission? The disease is different for everyone. My father's never went into remission, but for many this can be achieved.

Sometimes there are side effects to the medicine that could be making things worse sexually. Also, if the condition is getting worse it may be anxiety and depression. We can't give medical advice, so you may want to talk to your doctor about this aspect of things.

Apart from medical means, some who I have spoken to with Crohn's have benefited from the specific carbohydrate diet, and foods or pro-biotics that help with gut flora. Again, check with your doctor, but most are fine with pro-biotics. There has been a fair amount of research lately showing increased levels of candida tropicalis in Crohn's. Whether this is because they are more prone to it, or this ties in to the actual problems from Crohn's I don't know, but some do find at least some symptom relief. And some of the medicines can damage gut flora. Again check with your doctor as you will still want to make sure the inflammation in the digestive track is controlled, whatever you do to treat symptoms.

 

[LilyBelle]

Hello all--thought I would give an update.

I've talked a while ago to my husband how I have been feeling, even suggested the possibility of something to "help us out", and he was responsive. I would say our sex is starting to pick back up, which I am very appreciative and happy for. My husband is on Pentassa which is the lowest medications for Crohn's (the one doctors start people on first because it has the lowest amount of side effects). It doesn't really do anything, except minorly help with the flare ups.

We are going to keep working at meeting each others' needs. One thing we are trying to do is "meet up" during lunch time. We feel once we move and our lives slow down, things might be easier. I am only hoping that things continue to look up, and hopefully, I don't find myself in that low, low spot I was in a few weeks ago.

 

[johndoo]

Great. Happy for you guys.