- May 25, 2010
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This is a long story, but I'll try to break it up into paragraphs. I am going to be referring to my history growing up because I think it has affected my marriage. I believe the lies that were thrown in my direction from my family caused me to just settle for the first man who would have me.
I grew up in a very unusual family. I was adopted by a single parent mother when I was 8 years old, and my grandfather tried to take the role of my father. In reality, I was more of an extension daughter of his, my mother was 43 when she adopted me but she had never even been on a date since nobody met the approval of her father.
I was homeschooled starting the end of 5th grade, was best friends with a boy from then until he moved away in 2000. His family was afraid that he was becoming romantically attracted to me, which of course, in homeschooling circles, you just didn't do that. The parents would have to meet and approve the match, and I would not be 18 until that December. They forced him to move away even though he had turned 18, and told him he could have no further contact with me.
During my teenage years I was on a medicine that caused me to more than double my body weight over the course of six months. I also developed trichotillomania, which left me bald. Though I was cut to around 800 calories a day and forced to do 90 minutes of cardio a day, I could not seem to lose weight. They wanted me to be a size 4, which they said was the proper size for a 5'4" woman. My ribs were sticking out at a size 14. They said I was fat and bald and ugly and that no man would ever want to marry me if I couldn't stop being bald and fat.
Ok, so I'm going somewhere with this. My best friend's family was right, he was getting romantically interested in me. But we still had no contact, even when I was 20. Then his parents told me he had died in a car crash. I later found out they had told him I had died the same way.
I was completely devastated. The one man I thought could ever love me was taken from my life. And I have never gotten over it. At the same time, my family began to espouse the ideal of "biblical betrothal" basically where they pick and choose my husband for me. They chose a man who was twice my age. I was now 21 and had never been to college. The man convinced my family to let me go away to college and live in the dorm, just for one semester, so that I wouldn't feel as if I missed out on the experience. I was totally oblivious to the fact that my family was at that moment arranging my marriage.
So about a week into the semester of school I found the guy that is now my husband. He was obese, had Asperger's syndrome, anxiety, lupus, and Borderline Personality Disorder. But hey, a fat, bald girl couldn't exactly be choosy, right? We had a couple of similar interests and he didn't think I was ugly. That was something at least.
My family totally disapproved when I told them we were engaged three weeks later. I see now they were right. They told me "But you're betrothed to Travis," and I was shocked to hear that. That even more solidified my decision to marry my husband.
Travis backed out when he heard I was not into the arrangement. My family claimed that I was going to be their ruination, that Travis was going to pay $25,000 for me as my bride price. My family tried everything in their power to break me up with my husband, forcing us to go into a long distance relationship where I could talk to him for 5 minutes a week, where I had to raise the money myself to visit him (but I was never allowed to get a job), sending me to places to try to indoctrinate me into their form of Christianity where I was not allowed to contact him at all. Eventually they ran out of places to send me and I was allowed to come home. I was locked in my bedroom (I had an adjoining bathroom) and food was pushed in through a dog door. I was allowed out of my room only to go to church. By this time I was starving to see him, because as you know absence makes the heart grow fonder. My family eventually said that they were sick and tired of "allowing our relationship" and that if I wanted to continue then I would be homeless.
I chose homelessness. We got married while we were homeless, since he hadn't been able to be approved for SSI. I got married because I thought I would never find another man who would be attracted to me. I got married because I was afraid of my family changing their mind and locking me back up in my bedroom. Travis was at this point out of the picture entirely, but my family might have found someone else.
My marriage has been hell. We were happy perhaps for the first six months, then he forced me to have sex with him when I did not want to. To be fair he has never done that since.
My husband is unable to make decisions for himself, he needs to be reminded on basic hygiene issues, when he gets angry he is scary. He has never hit me, but he was and is emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive.
He has frequent pity parties, if I do not join him he will run out the door screaming that he's going to kill himself by throwing himself in front of a semi. On occasion he's pushed ME out the door and locked it behind him. I have no phone to call the police if that happens.
This past January was the worst: on more than one occasion he called me something that would get censored out here. I almost left then. I gave him the second chance he begged for, but I have not been able to trust him since. He still uses me like a mother. He has deteriorated to the point where if I did leave he would need to be in an assisted living home, his family does not want him back. I tried to give him a second chance. But we've had sex only twice since January because I can't get into it. He is not a man. He treats me like a mother then expects me to want sex with him?
I have wanted out for the greater part of two years. We've been married for almost four. Most days I feel like I'm just in a lull between two wars. He's said he'd change before, but always ends up getting worse in the long run. He's slipping back to the way he was even now. I don't know how long I can swing from the barely 70% sane side of him to the more like 90% insane.
My family will not take me back. The women's shelter here is run by a church, they do not approve of divorce, it is a place for a woman to be safe while she seeks marital counseling and reconciliation. Even then they won't take me if I'm not being physically abused. If I left I would not be seeking reconciliation. There is no reconciliation possible with an insane person. I barely earn $200 a month.
I stay because at least here I have a roof over my head and food to eat. But I am afraid of my husband.
I grew up in a very unusual family. I was adopted by a single parent mother when I was 8 years old, and my grandfather tried to take the role of my father. In reality, I was more of an extension daughter of his, my mother was 43 when she adopted me but she had never even been on a date since nobody met the approval of her father.
I was homeschooled starting the end of 5th grade, was best friends with a boy from then until he moved away in 2000. His family was afraid that he was becoming romantically attracted to me, which of course, in homeschooling circles, you just didn't do that. The parents would have to meet and approve the match, and I would not be 18 until that December. They forced him to move away even though he had turned 18, and told him he could have no further contact with me.
During my teenage years I was on a medicine that caused me to more than double my body weight over the course of six months. I also developed trichotillomania, which left me bald. Though I was cut to around 800 calories a day and forced to do 90 minutes of cardio a day, I could not seem to lose weight. They wanted me to be a size 4, which they said was the proper size for a 5'4" woman. My ribs were sticking out at a size 14. They said I was fat and bald and ugly and that no man would ever want to marry me if I couldn't stop being bald and fat.
Ok, so I'm going somewhere with this. My best friend's family was right, he was getting romantically interested in me. But we still had no contact, even when I was 20. Then his parents told me he had died in a car crash. I later found out they had told him I had died the same way.
I was completely devastated. The one man I thought could ever love me was taken from my life. And I have never gotten over it. At the same time, my family began to espouse the ideal of "biblical betrothal" basically where they pick and choose my husband for me. They chose a man who was twice my age. I was now 21 and had never been to college. The man convinced my family to let me go away to college and live in the dorm, just for one semester, so that I wouldn't feel as if I missed out on the experience. I was totally oblivious to the fact that my family was at that moment arranging my marriage.
So about a week into the semester of school I found the guy that is now my husband. He was obese, had Asperger's syndrome, anxiety, lupus, and Borderline Personality Disorder. But hey, a fat, bald girl couldn't exactly be choosy, right? We had a couple of similar interests and he didn't think I was ugly. That was something at least.
My family totally disapproved when I told them we were engaged three weeks later. I see now they were right. They told me "But you're betrothed to Travis," and I was shocked to hear that. That even more solidified my decision to marry my husband.
Travis backed out when he heard I was not into the arrangement. My family claimed that I was going to be their ruination, that Travis was going to pay $25,000 for me as my bride price. My family tried everything in their power to break me up with my husband, forcing us to go into a long distance relationship where I could talk to him for 5 minutes a week, where I had to raise the money myself to visit him (but I was never allowed to get a job), sending me to places to try to indoctrinate me into their form of Christianity where I was not allowed to contact him at all. Eventually they ran out of places to send me and I was allowed to come home. I was locked in my bedroom (I had an adjoining bathroom) and food was pushed in through a dog door. I was allowed out of my room only to go to church. By this time I was starving to see him, because as you know absence makes the heart grow fonder. My family eventually said that they were sick and tired of "allowing our relationship" and that if I wanted to continue then I would be homeless.
I chose homelessness. We got married while we were homeless, since he hadn't been able to be approved for SSI. I got married because I thought I would never find another man who would be attracted to me. I got married because I was afraid of my family changing their mind and locking me back up in my bedroom. Travis was at this point out of the picture entirely, but my family might have found someone else.
My marriage has been hell. We were happy perhaps for the first six months, then he forced me to have sex with him when I did not want to. To be fair he has never done that since.
My husband is unable to make decisions for himself, he needs to be reminded on basic hygiene issues, when he gets angry he is scary. He has never hit me, but he was and is emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive.
He has frequent pity parties, if I do not join him he will run out the door screaming that he's going to kill himself by throwing himself in front of a semi. On occasion he's pushed ME out the door and locked it behind him. I have no phone to call the police if that happens.
This past January was the worst: on more than one occasion he called me something that would get censored out here. I almost left then. I gave him the second chance he begged for, but I have not been able to trust him since. He still uses me like a mother. He has deteriorated to the point where if I did leave he would need to be in an assisted living home, his family does not want him back. I tried to give him a second chance. But we've had sex only twice since January because I can't get into it. He is not a man. He treats me like a mother then expects me to want sex with him?
I have wanted out for the greater part of two years. We've been married for almost four. Most days I feel like I'm just in a lull between two wars. He's said he'd change before, but always ends up getting worse in the long run. He's slipping back to the way he was even now. I don't know how long I can swing from the barely 70% sane side of him to the more like 90% insane.
My family will not take me back. The women's shelter here is run by a church, they do not approve of divorce, it is a place for a woman to be safe while she seeks marital counseling and reconciliation. Even then they won't take me if I'm not being physically abused. If I left I would not be seeking reconciliation. There is no reconciliation possible with an insane person. I barely earn $200 a month.
I stay because at least here I have a roof over my head and food to eat. But I am afraid of my husband.
............praying for you, Nienna. Let us know how you're doing.
