Conservative values permanently ingrained in my psyche!

[someonestupid]

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist household. I was always taught that sex was reserved for marriage. I am now 30 and have never experienced intercourse. It's not that I haven't had opportunities; I have had several women who have more or less openly suggested copulation.

Anyway, as a self-proclaimed liberal, I don't believe in the commodification of women. I never felt comfortable with the idea of a one night stand.

With that said-- my attitude is readily regressing. I am now, more strongly than ever, trying to pursue an encounter with the explicit intent of eradicating my status of the dreaded V-word.

I actually kissed a female for the first time the other night. I think she could tell that I was inexperienced, reserved, nervous, not confident, and quite pathetic. She seems to be more or less unenthusiastic about replying to my texts, facebookings, and requests for future outings. This is really frustrating and I'm sick and tired of it!

I am tired of waiting for someone who I can connect with. The quality of women that I've "dated" in the past has been way above my standard considering the fact that I work in retail. One girl is presently earning her doctorate at Harvard while another is attending Law School.

The girl I went out with the other night is a party animal and she is only 23, whereas I'm 30. While I do like some aspects of her personality I think our lifestyles obviously conflict; I do not go out drinking whenever I get the opportunity. I know she senses that I am probably desperate. That's always a red-flag to a woman.

Anyway, what would you folks do if you were in a similar situation? Should I "by faith" believe that I will one day find someone who will accept my quarks and drab personality, or should I enter the world of the party scene?

 

[genestealerbroodlord]

Sorry for the boring answer, But your not missing anything worth your time. Work on building up friendships with girls by doing stuff that you enjoy. Join a group where you will meet people with similar interests to you. Focus on the friendships and eventually girls will get to know you and see the real you.

 

[Merlin Athrawes]

^^^I would add that women who care about you will work around your inexperience and be patient with you.

 

[lux et lex]

As a woman, I agree with what's already been said. Best of luck!

 

[TheManeki]

From your post, it sounds like you'd find the party scene and many of the people in it to be a little on the boring and shallow side. It's like a very old Cathy comic strip: Cathy goes to a singles bar and is surprised to see her friend Emerson, a stereotypical nice guy. "Emerson," Cathy says, "what are you doing here?" He looks up from his drink and says, "The same as you -- looking for the kind of person who normally doesn't come to this kind of place."

Have you looked at those match.com/eharmony/etc sites? I've had some friends meet their spouses through them.

 

[WiredSpirit]

Have you looked at those match.com/eharmony/etc sites? I've had some friends meet their spouses through them.

Or go to Craigslist and build some confidence...

The two I use are Plentyoffish.com and OKCupid. I joined EHarmony for awhile and whenever they charge that kind of money, there's going to be a really small pool of people to choose from. A lot of people might be on it, but you can't talk to any of them.

 

[Merlin Athrawes]

Also if there happens to be a large liberal church in your area, they may have a fairly large singles class.

 

[someonestupid]

I have tried the online dating thing. I actually met someone about 5 hours away from where I lived. She invited me to her place after 2 years of correspondence.

Needless to say-- we didn't click. She wasn't easy to talk too, and I was naive and unintentionally rude when I didn't mean to be. In other words, I haven't had much luck with online dating. I met another girl from match.com, once, and we had dinner, talked, then I called her a few more times and she stopped talking to me on the phone. She finally told me it was another guy.

I WISH there was a large liberal denomination near me. I don't know of any. I guess I'll have to shop around.

I really am a nice guy with a lot to offer. I'm really terrible with picking up on social cues, but the "get the hint I think you're a creep" factor is starting to become easier after so many failures and rejections.

I think my problem is that I wreak of desperation. How the heck can you not wreak of desperation when you never really had a "normal" childhood where most teens get this out of their system? I'm not saying I agree with the cultural pressure to lose your virginity when you're young, but we all know that the statistical probability of it happening, when you're in your teens, is WAY up there.

Maybe I should seek professional counseling to help diagnose my anxiety.

 

[TheManeki]

Have you looked at dating older women? Someone who tends to have a much clearer idea of who she is looking for -- even if she's not looking for anything serious -- than a younger woman might?

 

[Im_A]

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist household. I was always taught that sex was reserved for marriage. I am now 30 and have never experienced intercourse. It's not that I haven't had opportunities; I have had several women who have more or less openly suggested copulation.

Anyway, as a self-proclaimed liberal, I don't believe in the commodification of women. I never felt comfortable with the idea of a one night stand.

With that said-- my attitude is readily regressing. I am now, more strongly than ever, trying to pursue an encounter with the explicit intent of eradicating my status of the dreaded V-word.

I actually kissed a female for the first time the other night. I think she could tell that I was inexperienced, reserved, nervous, not confident, and quite pathetic. She seems to be more or less unenthusiastic about replying to my texts, facebookings, and requests for future outings. This is really frustrating and I'm sick and tired of it!

I am tired of waiting for someone who I can connect with. The quality of women that I've "dated" in the past has been way above my standard considering the fact that I work in retail. One girl is presently earning her doctorate at Harvard while another is attending Law School.

The girl I went out with the other night is a party animal and she is only 23, whereas I'm 30. While I do like some aspects of her personality I think our lifestyles obviously conflict; I do not go out drinking whenever I get the opportunity. I know she senses that I am probably desperate. That's always a red-flag to a woman.

Anyway, what would you folks do if you were in a similar situation? Should I "by faith" believe that I will one day find someone who will accept my quarks and drab personality, or should I enter the world of the party scene?

I think you should keep trying to find someone that likes your quarks and drab personality but you have fun. You live the way you believe for yourself and have a good life and you try. If you find someone who doesn't like you for you then you leave them hang dry and try again while enjoying this life.

 

[Xen_Antares]

Don't worry too much about it right now. I know that sounds cliche but there is a reason for it. Trust me I have been involved in one night stands and relationships which became sexual. One night stands in my experience can leave you confused emotionally. Relationships that become sexual too soon can actually be destroyed by the encounter (or encounters).

Find someone you care about, build a solid, strong, non-sexual, but romantic relationship with this person and take it from there. Maybe you have sex before you take the plunge, maybe you don't. Maybe you only go so far, whatever, its up to you. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life or how to experience your romances. Anybody who does needs to mind their own business, just a word from the wise don't worry about sex too much.

 

[laconicstudent]

From your post, it sounds like you'd find the party scene and many of the people in it to be a little on the boring and shallow side. It's like a very old Cathy comic strip: Cathy goes to a singles bar and is surprised to see her friend Emerson, a stereotypical nice guy. "Emerson," Cathy says, "what are you doing here?" He looks up from his drink and says, "The same as you -- looking for the kind of person who normally doesn't come to this kind of place."

Have you looked at those match.com/eharmony/etc sites? I've had some friends meet their spouses through them.

Ha! That has totally happened to me before, she said the bolded words verbatim! Except it was a high school party, not a bar.

 

[lismore]

Anyway, what would you folks do if you were in a similar situation? Should I "by faith" believe that I will one day find someone who will accept my quarks and drab personality, or should I enter the world of the party scene?

Hello there

I also was raised with some quirks.....in quite an unusual situation in some ways.

You have been given lots of good advice already. What I would suggest is taking one day at a time. Build and loose your insecurities day by day, little by little. A big change cannot come instantly.

Finding some sort of church to hang out in might be a good step. A nice friendly church, explore carefully because there are some nutty churches out there who would pounce on any insecurities.

It might also help you to know that there are others in a similar situation, probably lots.

 

[childofGod31]

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist household. I was always taught that sex was reserved for marriage. I am now 30 and have never experienced intercourse. It's not that I haven't had opportunities; I have had several women who have more or less openly suggested copulation.

Anyway, as a self-proclaimed liberal, I don't believe in the commodification of women. I never felt comfortable with the idea of a one night stand.

With that said-- my attitude is readily regressing. I am now, more strongly than ever, trying to pursue an encounter with the explicit intent of eradicating my status of the dreaded V-word.

I actually kissed a female for the first time the other night. I think she could tell that I was inexperienced, reserved, nervous, not confident, and quite pathetic. She seems to be more or less unenthusiastic about replying to my texts, facebookings, and requests for future outings. This is really frustrating and I'm sick and tired of it!

I am tired of waiting for someone who I can connect with. The quality of women that I've "dated" in the past has been way above my standard considering the fact that I work in retail. One girl is presently earning her doctorate at Harvard while another is attending Law School.

The girl I went out with the other night is a party animal and she is only 23, whereas I'm 30. While I do like some aspects of her personality I think our lifestyles obviously conflict; I do not go out drinking whenever I get the opportunity. I know she senses that I am probably desperate. That's always a red-flag to a woman.

Anyway, what would you folks do if you were in a similar situation? Should I "by faith" believe that I will one day find someone who will accept my quarks and drab personality, or should I enter the world of the party scene?

Well, if you do decide to enter into the "party scene", AT LEAST, wait for somebody who you feel very passionate about. At least the experience then would be worthwhile and you'll probably do "what comes naturally" much better. For then your passion will take over and you won't have to figure out what to do.

When there is not much passion, there is just awkwardness and mediocrity. But if you love a person (at least a little bit) and if you feel passionate about them, it could be an amazing experience.

Start praying really hard about finding someone. Knock on the gates of heaven. "Ask and you shall receive". (People have been known to receive answers).

Sex is supposed to be about total sharing of yourself with another. As in "you give yourself to me and I give myself to you". Lovers are supposed to be two people who are closest to each other. Then it's really wonderful. I really love this song:

Like Lovers Do (by Heather Nova)

There is a paradise that can be found
A better life to bring us round
And all we really need to do
Is see the world like lovers do

I want to take it easy, take it slow
To catch a fire and let it go
I want to give myself to you
So we can live like lovers do

Like lovers do, I want to feel that way
Like lovers do, they lose themselves for days
And I need to feel that way

I can hear you thinking what I feel
I know that what we've got is real
And all we need to get us through
Is just to live like lovers do

Like lovers do, I want to feel that way
Like lovers do, they lose themselves for days
And I need to feel, I need to feel that way
Give me strength to give myself to you
Like lovers, lovers do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUK1n-Ut-DE&feature=related

After the Loving, I am still in love with you....

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I don't mean to be flip, but for what it's worth, I'm just stating the first thing that came into my head. Whether it means anything to the OP personally, I don't know. I just thought of the Ann Landers quote. "If you want to catch a trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel."

Hubby and I met online, but we think it was a God-shot. Meaning He pulled it out of the hat. Hubby had his profile up less than a day, mine was up less than a week, and out of thousands, we connected. It doesn't normally work that way, and we both consider it a miracle from Him. Given that my relationships before hubby were anything but healthy, I am not one to give advice on how to meet "the one."

I would say, though, OP, if you want to have sex, make sure YOU want to, instead of bowing to pressure. Personally, I agree with the conservative approach, sex is for marriage, but I won't be self-righteous and pretend I did things that way. I wish I had waited, but I didn't. And my personal experience is exactly as I told my daughters. While casual sex, without love, feels good physically, sex with the person you love takes it beyond mere physical and into a whole different dimension. There is a reason we are counseled not to be promiscuous. God loves us. He wants us to have the best. Why settle for mediocre, when the best is out there?

 

[Kaitlin08]

It could be that you approach types of women who want something different than you have to offer, something that you have to stretch yourself to give. Instead of changing yourself altogether much, you could look for the type of woman who recognizes what your strengths are.

 

[someonestupid]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I decided to pick up a few books on how to talk to the opposite sex. According to the general consensus, from what I've read, I've been making multiple common mistakes for years. I guess once you understand human evolutionary behavioral traits you can better assess the culture and what you need to do to adapt to today's world.

With that said, there seems to be too many variables/different scenarios and steps involved in hooking up. I guess I'll have to radically change my mindset in order to get where I want to be.

Since I'm not attracted to the same sex, and I don't believe a life of celibacy is an option, there will have to subtle changes in my attitude and general outlook on life.

 

[ghendricks63]

Educating yourself is a great way to tackle any problem. Sounds like you may have had a breakthrough.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

I actually kissed a female for the first time the other night. I think she could tell that I was inexperienced, reserved, nervous, not confident, and quite pathetic.

Do not assume that the women you kiss know that you are a virgin. After I was divorced at 30 I started dating. I dated divorced men who obviously were not virgins. Honestly, some were reserved, nervous and lacking confidence when they kissed me. That isn't pathetic. That is situational. Anytime a person who is genuinely interested in a relationship -- versus a casual encounter -- becomes involved with someone new they will be nervous. Wait for a women who loves you and you may learn together.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

"I have tried the online dating thing. I actually met someone about 5 hours away from where I lived. She invited me to her place after 2 years of correspondence."

If you are dating online, date local women. After three emails, progress to the phone and setup a coffee date. Seriously. You need to meet people "for real". Talking online isn't the same. You can't know someone's behaviour from their words. Meet lots of women. Practice makes perfect.

Counselling might help. Its worth a try. Most importantly, though, love who you are. Women love men who are lovable and that starts with loving yourself. God loves you. Why don't you love you?