Confused...

[Bear007]

Hi, I'm new here. I figured it's time I stop keeping everything bottled up and actually reach out and share what I'm going through with people. It's nearly impossible to honestly share with friends or church members because I don't want them to judge my husband. And quite frankly, I don't want to anger my husband by sharing our struggles. I got married within the last year and, to say the least, it's been hard. I'm exhausted and my daily feeling range from depressed to wanting to give up and leave. I'll start with my personal struggles

I have some issues with anxiety and depression. I've had them for quite some time now. I believed them to be under control and submitted to God when I got married. However, marriage issues have reopened that anxious chapter in my life. I'm back to not sleeping, waking up with panic attacks, and needing anxiety medication frequently. It wouldn't be fair to blame my husband for this as it was already and underlying issues. As I've told my husband, I believe a stronger woman would be able to be successfully and happily married to him. However, I'm just not that strong...

While my husband is a very successful and charming man, he suffers from some serious anger issues. He's only physically hit me once or twice and it wasn't hard. The majority of our issues are verbal. I've been called just about every name in the book I can think of. When he's angry, he will purposely say the most hurtful thing he can think of. For example, my father hasn't been around since I was younger. One of my husbands favorite insults is, "no wonder your father doesn't love you." I'm very academically accomplished, so another of my husband's favorite insults is "I'm pretty sure you're actually mentally handicapped." These are just a few examples of the things I have said to me on a weekly basis. They are usually triggered by things like forgetting to bring my phone somewhere, not cooking dinner the correct way, asking too many questions. My husband says he just doesn't tolerate my general "incompetence" well.

He's also terrifying to be around during these episodes. His responses range from throwing things to trying to crash the car into the car in front of us. I don't think he'd actually do it, I think they are just scare tactics.

Oh and we've got lust issues being dealt with as well. He hasn't physically cheated on me...well, he's done other things, he just hasn't actually had sex with anyone yet. He also likes to message women and have inappropriate conversations with them. I've seen proof of a few of these either because the woman tried to reach out to me, or because the woman threatened to and my husband decided to come clean before she could. Granted, the conversations I've seen haven't been explicitly sexual, they've just been flirty. Still... the idea of my husband telling another woman how attracted he is to her and how much he wants her makes me sick to my stomach. He freaks out if I even glance at his phone while he is messaging. He says he is sick of my complaining and suspicion.

I don't know what to do anymore. My heart is so broken and my personality has been completely destroyed. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Any attempt to confront him about this just leads to him lecturing about how I refuse to submit to him and to God. He says I show no fruit of the Spirit and that I'm a crazy person. He's said that he thinks I need to be institutionalized. Sometimes I start to believe him... I'm losing myself and I'm not sure how to hold on for much longer, much less forever.

On a positive note, I'm trying to focus more on work and friends. I read something the other day that said it was possible to be a joyful person even if you're in a miserable marriage. I hope that's true. I firmly believe that the God we worship is capable of healing me. I just can't always remember that during these incidents.

 

[sdmsanjose]

You need to take action! Trying to tell you what exact actions to take is very difficult as we only get one side of the story. However, according to your post your husband is going to destroy the marriage if he has not already. His attitude and actions must change immediately or you will become a door mat and not good for yourself or anyone else.

Your long term history of depression and anxiety makes it mandatory that you need professional help and all other types of help. No Godly man would do to you what you have stated your husband does to you. It adds insult to injury that he tries to use God as his manipulator; what a disgusting man!

Get help, make a plan, and take action to save you from complete destruction. God never intended for a man to destroy his wife.

 

[mkgal1]

My heart is so broken and my personality has been completely destroyed. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Any attempt to confront him about this just leads to him lecturing about how I refuse to submit to him and to God. He says I show no fruit of the Spirit and that I'm a crazy person.

My heart truly goes out to you (and things have gotten to this point in such a short period of time).

While this forum doesn't allow us to advocate for divorce.....I do believe it's fair (and permissible) for me to suggest that you safely remove yourself from your husband's presence as it's destroying you. It's not a matter of you needing to be "a stronger woman". Only a jaded and shut down person can be in that sort of environment without being affected as you've been (and a person like that is incapable of loving).

I would suggest that you get in contact with an abuse hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/ ) in order to prepare a plan.....but be very careful about the privacy of that. I have to warn you that when a woman tries to get distance from a person like this is when she's in the most danger. I'm praying for you (and not in a trite brush off kind of way. I truly am concerned for you).

 

[Bear007]

I just wanted to say thank you to both of you for your responses and prayers. There are no words to describe how much hearing your responses means to me. I don't have many opportunities to open up about this. In fact, this is probably the first time I've been 100% honest about what is going on in our marriage. The fact that my confession has been so openly and lovingly received is so encouraging. I'm beginning to believe that this isn't what God wants for me and I think that is a good first step. I'm terrified of leaving. I worry that in five years I will realize I made a huge mistake and should have stayed. I also worry that if I leave he will do his best to destroy my life. I just ask that you both pray for me that God will give me the strength to do whatever it is he wants me to do next.

 

[Aino]

I'll pray for you that you'll be able to do the right desicion. I agree with what's been said here. It's not God's will for you - or anyone else either - to have to live that way. I'm sure that in five years, no matter what happens, you will not want to see him eveer again. You'll just see it even more clearly that it was just wrong how you've been treated and that he's not the man for you.

 

[akmom]

What you describe really does sound like abuse. Normal couples do argue, but it is not normal to want to hurt someone's feelings. A normal argument would be, "You are so difficult to get along with when you [do specific thing]." A sadistic statement would be, "Your dad doesn't love you either." The first one expresses how he feels and what he wishes you would change. The second one has no purpose except to make you sad, and isn't looking for any solutions.

Threatening to drive recklessly is also abuse. Did you know that raising a weapon at someone, even if you don't actually use it, is considered assault in many states? It is punished the same way, because the justice system realizes that threatening violence achieves the same thing as using violence. (In Alaska it's fourth-degree assault.) Just because you don't think he will do it doesn't mean it doesn't count. He just threatened to commit a violent crime, possibly endangering others. It is not a weakened mental state if you get worried... it's common sense.

Invoking the Bible verse about submissive wives is manipulative. Those verses were not put in the Bible as some kind of trump card husbands can use to mistreat their wives and not have consequences. This is obvious if you read further, where it says that husbands should love their wives more than themselves. It even goes so far as to make the comparison of husbands loving their wives to Christ loving the church and sacrificing his life for it. If your husband is not showing you love and self-sacrifice, then that verse is not important to him. And it doesn't mean what he is pretending it means.

I do think it's tempting sometimes to say hurtful things when you are angry. I catch myself doing this to my children in the morning rush of getting ready. Just today I called them "completely unhelpful," when in fact they did do a lot of helpful things, just not enough. They both packed their own lunches while I made their breakfasts, but I totally forgot about that when the oldest one forgot her backpack and I had to turn around and get it - thus making us late. I let their "general incompetence" overwhelm me, and later on it made me sad, because being late this morning was not a good reason to ruin my kids' morale. In fact, I suspect that might negatively impact their learning more than missing the first few minutes of class because we ran late. But I was just so flustered when she forgot her backpack that I was tempted to say that hurtful and mostly untrue thing. BUT it is not my kids' fault for not being perfect and quick this morning; it is my fault for not controlling my temper. Just like it is not your fault that your husband has anger issues; it is his responsibility to control himself. I feel particularly bad because there is nothing my kids can do when I have that shortcoming. They are just kids. But you as an adult do not have to tolerate it. You can hold your husband accountable for his behavior.

 

[blessedwife318]

Oh my, you are in my prayers. If there is a women's shelter in your town please go there. He has no right to hit you. No matter what his excuse is he has no right. It is not your fault. Let me repeat It Is Not Your Fault. Do not believe that lie. I grew up in an abusive home and made the decision long ago that the day a man ever hit me would be the last day I would be with him. If this is how he is treating you in the first years of marriage it will only get worse as the years go by. Please get help.

 

[mkgal1]

Praying for you, Bear. May you allow God to direct your steps and give you the courage and wisdom you need.