confused frustrated and hurt

[kimberly king]

So my husband moved out June 5. He got his own place and furnished it and didn't want me to know where he stayed. I asked him to leave (shouldn't have) because of infidelity and lack of helping my financially and spending time with me. I can't prove the most recent infidelity but he had a lock on his phone and refused to remove it. After we've had these issues. He stopped wanting to talk about our problems. Then after the separation during one of our convo's he says he just wants peace from "all of us" (meaning women). He still came around for sex but we could never talk about us or the future or trying or anything. After trying to take the high road and numerous let downs, I just said whatever. Well for the past few days he would call and text like he cared. I think it was more because he knew I was upset he didn't show up for a family function. Well he came by yesterday morning for sex. Didn't really talk to him. But on my way to work, I find out he has a Facebook profile. He didn't accept me as a friend and nor did he tell me. I had to find out from someone else. And he says I don't believe that he can change. So know I feel like the fool and embarrassed and angry and hurt and confused. I tried to talk to him about it last night and at first he said he wasn't doing anything to me. Then he says he doesn't know what he wants. Now I have been praying a lot but honestly, I am frustrated because I prayed for him to come to the event and his heart to be brought home. I thought that I believed that he would come. But he didn't. I am feeling like my prayers are going unanswered. I am trying to wait patiently, pray, distract my mind but it's not working. I'm reading the bible too. Today I am trying to decide on a divorce or not. But I want to do the christian thing.

 

[johndoo]

Can you insist on counseling or go to a pastor to intervene?
It is difficult to continue in this relationship when his actions so clearly show a lack of commitment and selfishness.

 

[Dave-W]

But I want to do the christian thing.

The "Christian thing" is to talk to a christian counselor and your pastor. Confront him per Matt 18 on his infidelity (or have the pastor confront him).

 

[kimberly king]

Can you insist on counseling or go to a pastor to intervene?
It is difficult to continue in this relationship when his actions so clearly show a lack of commitment and selfishness.

I have several times and he refuses too. I can only pray at this point.

 

[kimberly king]

The "Christian thing" is to talk to a christian counselor and your pastor. Confront him per Matt 18 on his infidelity (or have the pastor confront him).

Thank you. He wont speak to one and he wont listen to anyone.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

...because of infidelity and lack of helping my financially and spending time with me.

I'll just ask this straight out... how was your sex life before he left? Because what hes doing sounds like what many men do when they feel they aren't getting enough "intimacy". At first they maybe look at a woman. Then they look at inappropriate content. Then they start opening profiles online to chat. Finally they go and have sex with someone.

BTW not saying what he did was right or that its your fault. Just saying so many times something lead to this. Especially considering hes at the point of hes in his own place, probably has women over and spends time and money with them.

Obviously if hes not willing to speak to anyone or listen then hes probably already justified himself in his own mind which is sad. He should be focusing on you and fixing this before you do something you may have no choice but to do. Not that I promote divorce of course.

 

[LinkH]

Are there any other factors that would make him not want to come home? Do you two argue a lot when you are together. Who are all of the women he wants peace from? Are there other women around the house that he argues with him? What you could describe could be a situation where he wants to move on, but he's still down for sex. But it could also be a situation where he doesn't want to talk about the future of the relationship because he is afraid the conversation will turn into an argument. He could be afraid talk of the future could be a break up talk, and he may be afraid and he wants to avoid or delay that.

The way you write it, it sounds like he is unfaithful and locked his phone. But we don't know hsi history. Maybe he feels like you spy on him and just wants privacy and feels offended. I thik we as posters just need to be careful not to assume.

If you are open to reconciling, just tell him you are open to reconcile. You could suggest marriage counseling and be open to suggestions he makes as to how to move forward. Do you have children?

 

[kimberly king]

I'll just ask this straight out... how was your sex life before he left? Because what hes doing sounds like what many men do when they feel they aren't getting enough "intimacy". At first they maybe look at a woman. Then they look at inappropriate content. Then they start opening profiles online to chat. Finally they go and have sex with someone.

BTW not saying what he did was right or that its your fault. Just saying so many times something lead to this. Especially considering hes at the point of hes in his own place, probably has women over and spends time and money with them.

Obviously if hes not willing to speak to anyone or listen then hes probably already justified himself in his own mind which is sad. He should be focusing on you and fixing this before you do something you may have no choice but to do. Not that I promote divorce of course.

I have tried to increase the sex life for him. But I have also explained to him that I'm tired because I work a lot, come home to be mom and then his wife. I've asked for more help so that I could be more attentive to him. He's made comments about me working so much. Which I've said that if he would help me more financially, then I wouldn't work so much for us to survive. I try to explain to him that there are reasons for so much but he never responds. I've asked again for counseling because he is not understanding anything that I say and I just don't want to throw the towel in but he is forcing me to do that. And I hate it.

 

[kimberly king]

Are there any other factors that would make him not want to come home? Do you two argue a lot when you are together. Who are all of the women he wants peace from? Are there other women around the house that he argues with him? What you could describe could be a situation where he wants to move on, but he's still down for sex. But it could also be a situation where he doesn't want to talk about the future of the relationship because he is afraid the conversation will turn into an argument. He could be afraid talk of the future could be a break up talk, and he may be afraid and he wants to avoid or delay that.

The way you write it, it sounds like he is unfaithful and locked his phone. But we don't know hsi history. Maybe he feels like you spy on him and just wants privacy and feels offended. I thik we as posters just need to be careful not to assume.

If you are open to reconciling, just tell him you are open to reconcile. You could suggest marriage counseling and be open to suggestions he makes as to how to move forward. Do you have children?

He has a history of locking the phones and being unfaithful. I've tried my hardest to not argue with him. For instance when bills need to be paid. I try not to say anything when he doesn't give me money or enough. But it gets frustrating. Earlier this year, when he was laid off for 2 weeks, he chose to go to Florida for a week. When he came back he only had $400 towards bills. When it was brought up again, he asked me what was our 17 year old daughter doing to help with bills along with my 20 year old who just moved home and is trying to buy a car so he can leave mines alone. After reconciling once before, he kept his phone unlocked. I really didnt bother with it until his actions started to change. And low and behold it would be in the phone. So when he locks his phone, it's pretty much confirmation that he is doing his dirt again. He always says that I am arguing but I will repeat myself and specifically say I am asking a question not arguing. This morning, I made a comment that I know there is something deep down that is causing the infidelity and selfishness and that is the only reason why I am willing to work on it. He's response to it was that I was chastising him. I said I did not chastise. I said I love you enough to work through it. Why he hears me chastising him I don't know. I clearly said I am willing to work on it.

Can you insist on counseling or go to a pastor to intervene?
It is difficult to continue in this relationship when his actions so clearly show a lack of commitment and selfishness.

He refuses counseling or anything else. He doesn't want anyone in his business.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Hmm yeah seems like hes doesn't seem to understand. Hard enough when you work let alone be a wife and a mom at the same time. Does he do anything around the house? Or is that why he wants you to work less so you can do more for him? He should be thankful you work. Though in todays world it seems alot of couples both work just to afford anything, even more so when kids are involved. Sounds very stubborn and stuck in his ways.

 

[kimberly king]

Hmm yeah seems like hes doesn't seem to understand. Hard enough when you work let alone be a wife and a mom at the same time. Does he do anything around the house? Or is that why he wants you to work less so you can do more for him? He should be thankful you work. Though in todays world it seems alot of couples both work just to afford anything, even more so when kids are involved. Sounds very stubborn and stuck in his ways.

He is very stuck in his ways. He really doesn't. If he gets some kind of urge he may clean our room. Once months ago, I woke up and he cleaned the house. But not since. I make more money than him, and he already brings that up. But I also take care of our kids extracurricular activities. Outside of the $4-600, he would give me a month, he doesn't do anything more. I stopped asking him because I didn't want to stress him. I hate to even ask for gas money. But the fact that he acted like it was a struggle to give me that but then he goes and gets his own place and pays more then that is what baffles me.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Technology is such a burden on today's christian. So easy to fall into so many sins. When people lock their phones from their spouse it a sign for sure that something is going on. Sad to hear hes had a history of it. I will say when I was a teen I was asked to contribute money to the house. I didn't work alot but I would sell things, help people...etc and give some of it to my parents since technically water, electricity...etc isn't free.

When it comes to him not wanting anyone to know his buisness you should remind him God knows his buisness, even his buisness he keeps to himself only on his phone. So he can avoid people knowing all he wants but in the end he still has to stand before God and answer for "his buisness". Better to fix his buisness while hes on this earth! Especially when it comes to a marriage. If you two split he will answer for that too.

Have you tried telling him "If you lock your phone then I will lock mine too!". Granted probably not the best thing to say but maybe he would understand what its like to not be allowed into your world. I also wonder what he would do if you quit (since he wants more time with you and all). I wonder if he realizes that he would have to work two jobs. Again he should be thankful. You could try telling him "If you truly think I am the problem here then lets go to counseling. This way they can tell me what I did wrong since I am at fault right? You have nothing to lose. If you love me, trust me and respect our marriage then you will go!". I know that probably won't do anything for him but it seems your options are becoming limited now.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

He is very stuck in his ways. He really doesn't. If he gets some kind of urge he may clean our room. Once months ago, I woke up and he cleaned the house. But not since. I make more money than him, and he already brings that up. But I also take care of our kids extracurricular activities. Outside of the $4-600, he would give me a month, he doesn't do anything more. I stopped asking him because I didn't want to stress him. I hate to even ask for gas money. But the fact that he acted like it was a struggle to give me that but then he goes and gets his own place and pays more then that is what baffles me.

Ah so many men don't like when their wife makes more. I think its a macho thing sadly. Feeling like as a man hes "less then" since the wife makes more. He does realize without you neither of you could afford to pay the bills right? Including things like his phone. I do understand when you don't get alot of money, you don't want to give it up. But thats life. Nothing is free and we work very hard just to pay bills to stay alive and well. Especially when your a family.

Yeah it goes to show his true feelings since he pays more where hes at now then when with you. I wonder if he just is past the point of "I'm talking to someone else" and now just having them live with him on the side instead. Like he uses his money to wine and dine this other person instead. Again thats just an assumption. Hopefully a wrong one. What are his views on divorce? Certainly seems like hes ok with it.

 

[ValleyGal]

He is unfaithful and you are still having sex with him? Stop it! Do not have sex with him, and have yourself tested for any and all STD's. Tell him that you will not have sex with him because he is choosing to put you and other women at risk. Do not agree by consent, to share your husband with other women.

 

[kimberly king]

Ah so many men don't like when their wife makes more. I think its a macho thing sadly. Feeling like as a man hes "less then" since the wife makes more. He does realize without you neither of you could afford to pay the bills right? Including things like his phone. I do understand when you don't get alot of money, you don't want to give it up. But thats life. Nothing is free and we work very hard just to pay bills to stay alive and well. Especially when your a family.

Yeah it goes to show his true feelings since he pays more where hes at now then when with you. I wonder if he just is past the point of "I'm talking to someone else" and now just having them live with him on the side instead. Like he uses his money to wine and dine this other person instead. Again thats just an assumption. Hopefully a wrong one. What are his views on divorce? Certainly seems like hes ok with it.

I don't think that he's ok with divorce since his parents are still married. He hasn't rushed to get one besides saying that he doesn't know what he wants. At times he will keep things separated and then other times we are doing things together as if nothing changed. I'm really confused. I've felt like he's had issues about my pay before but I've also tried to help him increase his but he doesn't do anything about it. His friend wanted to get him on with his company making almost twice what he makes. I did his resume and he did nothing about it. He wants his own business and I am doing the paperwork but he has to do the leg work. But what confuses me is that he wont be pro active and ask what does he need to do or how can he help or what can we do. Then he will throw it up in my face when he hasn't gotten something taken care of.

 

[kimberly king]

And I have been praying that he is not entertaining anyone else. He says he isn't but I continue to pray on it.

 

[kimberly king]

You have been to very bad phase, I can see that, but communication gap is the main problem and emotional attachment is missing here, so you both should try some relationship therapy exercise by some Couples therapist , even on Skype they can solve your problem easily.

The problem is getting him to understand that is whats needed right now. In the mean time he doesn't even know if he wants the marriage anymore.

 

[chapmic]

The problem is getting him to understand that is whats needed right now. In the mean time he doesn't even know if he wants the marriage anymore.

I think you have to cut off communication with him until he makes a decision. It's going to be hard, but he has to come to decision that he wants to be with you before you can move forward together. He doesn't know what he is missing because right now he can see you and be with you anytime he wants. It is like that saying "you don't know what you got till its gone". Once he sees the change in the relationship he will be able to see more clearly what he wants. I will be praying for you both and hoping that there will be reconciliation for your marriage. God bless!

 

[kimberly king]

I think you have to cut off communication with him until he makes a decision. It's going to be hard, but he has to come to decision that he wants to be with you before you can move forward together. He doesn't know what he is missing because right now he can see you and be with you anytime he wants. It is like that saying "you don't know what you got till its gone". Once he sees the change in the relationship he will be able to see more clearly what he wants. I will be praying for you both and hoping that there will be reconciliation for your marriage. God bless!

Thank you and God Bless you too. He sees the change in my behavior I think. But I've noticed that he will call more just to chat. I entertain it just a little. But I don't call if it doesn't have to do with the kids. I barely respond to texts.

 

[chapmic]

Thank you and God Bless you too. He sees the change in my behavior I think. But I've noticed that he will call more just to chat. I entertain it just a little. But I don't call if it doesn't have to do with the kids. I barely respond to texts.

Ok that sounds good! Yes, its good to have communication when the kids are involved. Hopefully, he will make his decision real soon then. God bless!