Hello, this self-introduction boils down to the question: How are you supposed to live joyfully in Christ when you don’t like other people? (The long version of the question follows.)
I was baptized two years ago after about twenty years of searching and sinning. Since then I've had some ups and downs, including being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Not the kind of bipolar diagnosis that you get when you tell your doctor you're depressed, but the kind of that comes after an arrest and before an involuntary stay in a behavioral health center. I mention that because it’s relevant to the question I’m working up to.
As far as Christian sanctification goes, I’m finding that a lot of my difficulty seems to be due to the fact of my personality that I don’t like being around people that much. The presence of other people, especially crowds, makes me anxious and irritable, and small talk causes me a lot of stress. I plaster on a smile and suffer through it and breathe a sigh of relief (and sometimes mutter a curse) when they go away. In actual dialogue with others I tend be formal and polite because I’ve learned to disguise my intense desire to flee. As far as something like after-service fellowship goes, I’d rather scrub toilets.
I hasten to add that I’m not completely dysfunctional, and I have no malice toward others and no violent thoughts. I hold down two jobs and I’m a loving, but imperfect, husband and father. When I’m inside my own house my anxiety goes down, and my generalized anti-social inclinations don’t apply to my wife and kids. By the grace of God we are a loving and supportive family. As far as everyone else, I want the best for everybody, and to be left alone.
The hard part is I know something is wrong with me. I know you’re not supposed to be anxious around other people. I know you’re supposed to enjoy chatting with others. I know you have be able to talk to other people to get ahead in work and life. Being intensely anxious in social situations is not a good thing, and I want desperately not to feel this. It’s exhausting.
I believe my problem is a problem of the heart, but I recognize the complexity of the matter and I will say that I’ve been medicated and I’ve been in therapy, and they’ve both done jack squat. Youtube videos on confidence and assertiveness and all that stuff can provide some tactical pointers, but they do nothing to address the underlying issue.
I’ve prayed about this many times. It seems that in reply God skeptically poses the question, “You really want to love your neighbor as yourself?” And my answer is: “No, no I don’t. That sounds like communism.”
I’ve got other problems too but that’s enough for my self-introduction. Thanks for reading.
I was baptized two years ago after about twenty years of searching and sinning. Since then I've had some ups and downs, including being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Not the kind of bipolar diagnosis that you get when you tell your doctor you're depressed, but the kind of that comes after an arrest and before an involuntary stay in a behavioral health center. I mention that because it’s relevant to the question I’m working up to.
As far as Christian sanctification goes, I’m finding that a lot of my difficulty seems to be due to the fact of my personality that I don’t like being around people that much. The presence of other people, especially crowds, makes me anxious and irritable, and small talk causes me a lot of stress. I plaster on a smile and suffer through it and breathe a sigh of relief (and sometimes mutter a curse) when they go away. In actual dialogue with others I tend be formal and polite because I’ve learned to disguise my intense desire to flee. As far as something like after-service fellowship goes, I’d rather scrub toilets.
I hasten to add that I’m not completely dysfunctional, and I have no malice toward others and no violent thoughts. I hold down two jobs and I’m a loving, but imperfect, husband and father. When I’m inside my own house my anxiety goes down, and my generalized anti-social inclinations don’t apply to my wife and kids. By the grace of God we are a loving and supportive family. As far as everyone else, I want the best for everybody, and to be left alone.
The hard part is I know something is wrong with me. I know you’re not supposed to be anxious around other people. I know you’re supposed to enjoy chatting with others. I know you have be able to talk to other people to get ahead in work and life. Being intensely anxious in social situations is not a good thing, and I want desperately not to feel this. It’s exhausting.
I believe my problem is a problem of the heart, but I recognize the complexity of the matter and I will say that I’ve been medicated and I’ve been in therapy, and they’ve both done jack squat. Youtube videos on confidence and assertiveness and all that stuff can provide some tactical pointers, but they do nothing to address the underlying issue.
I’ve prayed about this many times. It seems that in reply God skeptically poses the question, “You really want to love your neighbor as yourself?” And my answer is: “No, no I don’t. That sounds like communism.”
I’ve got other problems too but that’s enough for my self-introduction. Thanks for reading.
