Christian and atheist interaction in response to tragedy

[Rebecca12]

I am an atheist. My sister is a born again Christian. She has no family other than her siblings. She was in a terrible accident and will likely suffer from the injuries for the rest of his life. I respect the fact that religion is important in her life.

Many of her friends have friended me on Facebook and I have accepted their friendship. I post updates on my sister's condition. They often post prayers and the like in response. That is fine. But some have started posting on my page long and somewhat tedious prayers and other religious ramblings. They also come to the hospital and want me to pray with them. Some even tried to grab my hand to join me in their prayer. I have handled it by removing posts from my wall--it stays out there in the FB universe somewhere. If they want me to pray with them in the hospital I may ignore them and stand quietly while they pray. I try to avoid attempts to grab my hand (which must be the thing to do in their group) by keeping some physical distance. I sometimes leave the room and say that I will give them some privacy. This is not about me. It is about their relationship and love for my sister. But I don't want to pretend I am not what I am. I see no good reason to share my own personal views on religion. I do however find the constant pushing at me of their brand of religion rather presumptive.

So Christians and nonChristians, do you think I am handling this properly?

And, do you think it is appropriate to push people who are total strangers to you to pray with you, much less try to grab their hand?

 

[DaisyDay]

It's not appropriate; in fact, it's fairly obnoxious, but they mean well and that's important. I think you're handling this with great grace and charity by not making this about you.

 

[Oafman]

Sounds like you're handling this in a very dignified and civilised manner.

I hope your sister makes a good recovery

 

[Galatea]

They probably assume you are a Christian as well and that is why they wish to pray with you. Just be patient with them. Thank you for allowing them to pray for your sister.

 

[archer75]

It sounds to me like you are handling this pretty well. If they can't take the hint, that's on them. OR if they do take the hint, it's on them to say explicitly "we'd like to pray with you for your sister" outside the hospital room and allow you to respond however you respond.

The repeated hand-grabbing is uncool. People (religious or not) know that not everyone behaves as their in-group behaves. You don't pour a near-stranger a shot without asking whether she'd like a shot. Certainly not more than once.

I admire how you aren't making it about you. If it continues, you are well within your rights to say in private "I don't pray and I don't want to disrespect your faith or my sister by pretending to pray for her" (or whatever you care to say).

 

[Look Up]

As an evangelical myself (a former atheist), who might therefore view your participation in prayer as to your benefit, nonetheless joining in prayer to which one objects or in which one sees no value (either one) would seem inadvisable and counterproductive. For that matter, I would not affirm all matters in all the prayers of my fellow Christians. My gut reaction, in other words, is that it seems hard to find fault with your behavior noted in the OP, but your behavior as related seems rather commendable.

I also wonder what the perceptions and intents are of those who "grab your hand" or the like for prayer. Do they assume you are of like religious persuasion to your suffering sister? Do they feel you would welcome being corralled into prayer, that they are helping you by overcoming your natural reticence with strangers?

Or do they seek their own consolation by the hospital bedside in part by including you? Or do the "long" or "rambling" prayers on Facebook represent the respective authors' expressions of grief ... or intellectual wrestling with tragedy?

Whether contextual clues give you any answers to such questions, possibly the questions themselves may be of moderate help. Question otherwise arises how long your patience will be tested, and whether you will choose to be more public with your preferences and convictions, say with a few who prove more persistent mourners or well-meaning "helpers." I sympathize with the awkwardness of your circumstances.

 

[vinsight4u]

deleted

 

[Jack of Spades]

Sounds to me like you're handling this great. Kudos.

If you decide to tell them, just be aware that not all believers respect other peoples wishes to not get involved. There is a risk that after you tell that, they still keep pushing with some agenda. Some might even make a point of trying to get you involved.

Just a warning, as it can happen. I hope it goes well.

 

[Rebecca12]

Thanks for the reinforcement. It is more awkward than anything.

I also wonder what the perceptions and intents are of those who "grab your hand" or the like for prayer. Do they assume you are of like religious persuasion to your suffering sister? Do they feel you would welcome being corralled into prayer, that they are helping you by overcoming your natural reticence with strangers?

I appreciate your thoughts where they might be coming from.

One characteristic of mine is a lack of reticence with strangers. I am a much older sister, I am very assertive and I think that is for the most part readily apparent after a short period of time even to strangers. I see no reason not to believe their hearts are in the right place and they are suffering too. Where I bristle a bit is when FB friends of mine (not my sister's friends) who know I am an atheist, tell me how they are praying for me. Maybe that is just their way of expressing their sincere concern and beliefs but it certainly shows a lack of concern about what might resonate with me.

 

[archer75]

It's hard to know what's going on with people. There are a million insincere "Christians" and a million sincere and kind atheists. It's lucky here (despite the awfulness of the situation) that you think their hearts are in the right place.

People on FB seem to be quickly forgetting that not everyone in the world is in their secret group (Christian, their particular denomination, atheist, liberal, conservative).

Also, some Christians act like non-Christians are "like that" by accident and just need a little help.

If you want advice from a stranger, I say focus on your sister and be glad she has sincere friends as well as a sincere sister.

 

[Strathos]

If you find the prayers they write to be long and tedious, why just not read them?

 

[Larniavc]

I am an atheist. My sister is a born again Christian. She has no family other than her siblings. She was in a terrible accident and will likely suffer from the injuries for the rest of his life. I respect the fact that religion is important in her life.

Many of her friends have friended me on Facebook and I have accepted their friendship. I post updates on my sister's condition. They often post prayers and the like in response. That is fine. But some have started posting on my page long and somewhat tedious prayers and other religious ramblings. They also come to the hospital and want me to pray with them. Some even tried to grab my hand to join me in their prayer. I have handled it by removing posts from my wall--it stays out there in the FB universe somewhere. If they want me to pray with them in the hospital I may ignore them and stand quietly while they pray. I try to avoid attempts to grab my hand (which must be the thing to do in their group) by keeping some physical distance. I sometimes leave the room and say that I will give them some privacy. This is not about me. It is about their relationship and love for my sister. But I don't want to pretend I am not what I am. I see no good reason to share my own personal views on religion. I do however find the constant pushing at me of their brand of religion rather presumptive.

So Christians and nonChristians, do you think I am handling this properly?

And, do you think it is appropriate to push people who are total strangers to you to pray with you, much less try to grab their hand?

Seems like you're handling it fine.

When my nan died some of her nieces and nephews came up and said they were praying for me.

You just smile politely and let them be.

The hand grabbing is a bit much (if you ask me) but as long as you can have protected time with your sis it'll be fine.

The carrying on of religious people is a mystery to me but they mean well.

 

[JackRT]

So Christians and nonChristians, do you think I am handling this properly?

You certainly are.

And, do you think it is appropriate to push people who are total strangers to you to pray with you, much less try to grab their hand?

Although I recognize their good intentions, that is not appropriate.

My best wishes are with you and your sister.

 

[Rebecca12]

If you find the prayers they write to be long and tedious, why just not read them?

I don't mind them in response to posts about my sister's condition. However, when they are posted on my timeline separate and apart from discussions of my sister it may give the impression that I approve of what they are saying or that I belong to their "club." It also clutters up my page and detracts from what I want to say on my page. I certainly am not about to skip reading what someone decides to post on my FB page, on my timeline.

 

[JackRT]

A scientist that I worked with was a Hindu from Guiana in South America. His brother was a televangelist in the area. When his aged mother was on her deathbed the brother made her last few days and hours an absolute misery trying to convert her. My friend arrived too late for his mother. The brother would not let any of the family near the body. In the end they tricked the brother away, stole the body and gave it a proper Hindu burial. I don't think that he has spoken to his brother since. BTW, I can say in all sincerity that this Hindu man is the most Christlike person that I have ever met.

 

[archer75]

In the end they tricked the brother away, stole the body and gave it a proper Hindu burial. I don't think that he has spoken to his brother since. BTW, I can say in all sincerity that this Hindu man is the most Christlike person that I have ever met.

I am no expert, but some of the people I have known from that part of the world (who are not Christians, even culturally), sticking a lot or a little to practices and traditions that just look "Hindu" to me (i.e. -- I don't know a lot about them) have been as you describe -- somehow remarkably spiritually and personally mature, humble, and joyful.

I don't know what's going on with this, but I'd bet a dollar I have something to learn from those people. Do we have any Hindu people on CF?

 

[possibletarian]

Hi Rebecca
It's always hard isn't it when faced with the 'God Gang' (my affectionate name for my believing friends, of which I have many).

In the same circumstances I think I would Tell them that I am non believer, but that I'm aware my sister would enjoy the prayers and would find them comforting, I would thank them for their genuine concern and explain that I feel uncomfortable taking part.

If they offer to pray for me I would consider that okay so long as they are aware I am agnostic and thank them that they are taking the time to do so.

Grace I think is important, and what is important to my sister, would of course be important to me. I hope your sister recovers soon.

Andy

 

[Rebecca12]

I am no expert, but some of the people I have known from that part of the world (who are not Christians, even culturally), sticking a lot or a little to practices and traditions that just look "Hindu" to me (i.e. -- I don't know a lot about them) have been as you describe -- somehow remarkably spiritually and personally mature, humble, and joyful.

I don't know what's going on with this, but I'd bet a dollar I have something to learn from those people. Do we have any Hindu people on CF?

Interestingly, my spouse is Hindu.

Hi Rebecca
It's always hard isn't it when faced with the 'God Gang' (my affectionate name for my believing friends, of which I have many).

In the same circumstances I think I would Tell them that I am non believer, but that I'm aware my sister would enjoy the prayers and would find them comforting, I would thank them for their genuine concern and explain that I feel uncomfortable taking part.

If they offer to pray for me I would consider that okay so long as they are aware I am agnostic and thank them that they are taking the time to do so.

Grace I think is important, and what is important to my sister, would of course be important to me. I hope your sister recovers soon.

Andy

My sister has improved somewhat but is likely headed to a nursing home before a group home because of a variety of physical as well as cognitive issues. She was a locally popular Christian singer before her accident and she has no recollection of that. I played a CD of her singing today and she recognized that it was her singing and that she recorded it. She did not remember who the others were on the CD. She mentioned nothing about the fact that it was Christian music. She really no longer talks about being a Christian and it really doesn't seem to interest her when people come to pray with her. Instead, she will talk about the distant past and she make up stories about the present to make sense of the world.

 

[durangodawood]

....They also come to the hospital and want me to pray with them. Some even tried to grab my hand to join me in their prayer.....

If the prayers are really just for your sisters well being, I would join hands and bow my head and let them pray out of respect for their good-will intentions, and to share in expressing those intentions. (And I am NOT a Christian.)

But thats what I would do, and I dont presume others would or should feel the same way.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

You handle it just fine. Better then I can say for alot of non-believers who get nasty about it in such situations. If they keep reaching for your hand just tell them nicely "I appreciate you all and what you do, its nothing personal but if you could please not reach for my hand when you pray I'd appreciate it. I'm not a christian but I respect what your doing even if I don't agree/understand!".

I can see why some people would do it, in hopes you would join hands and maybe ask questions about God and they could get you interested in the Lord. BUT... at the same time reaching for your hand over and over and over should not be done. As christians we should not make you feel like you want to put up a wall because we are pressuring you.