Can someone explain what I did wrong here?

[Frangible]

Recently someone at my church around my age captured my attention, and I figured I should probably call her and ask her out. I spoke with her briefly a few times prior to this, probably about 20 minutes total. So I called her a few times and got a machine, and left a message. I didn't think it was a terrible one, just said I'd like to get to know her better and asked her to dinner.

Anyway, I got an email reply back politely declining, where she stated she was moving soon (which is true) and had to make decisions about her personal and social life. I replied and wished her well, and haven't spoken to her since.

So, my question is, what did I do wrong here? I'm guessing there is some comfort level issue at work because the response was via email? I'm not saying she was being dishonest in her reply, I really don't know, it's just that the method struck me as odd.


For a historical perspective, last date prior to that was about 8 months previous. Had dinner and watched movies a few times and hung out, but then I sent her an email about movies where I copy and pasted some showtimes in, which led to further conversation, me attemping to be funny, and her telling me I didn't need to impress her. I'm guessing this was a case of me not expressly communicating romantic interest up front and getting regarded as a friend instead. I told her to call me if she wanted to do something and she never did after that, so I figured that was that.


I really dislike being single, but I just have pretty bad luck in the dating game, with the common factor being me. I think I've got a lot better at socializing recently, but one other factor I think that might play into it is that I'm overweight; 6'3" 225, I think the max for normal for my height is 200.

Anyway, part of experience is learning from it, and I'm not sure I have fully done so yet, so if anyone feels like weighing in I'd appreciate hearing some other perspectives.

Thanks.

 

[JeremiahJ]

I'd try starting from a different point. Actually spend time with a girl with no romantic intentions (I've been saying this a lot lately). Build a friendship. See where that leads. Friendships built before getting into a relationship help make things last longer, and you're not going to be with someone without knowing who they are first. At the worst, you have more friends. Just because someone captures your attention doesn't mean you should ask them out. Maybe it means you should start a new friendship.

I don't think that the specifics of what you've been doing to get dates is that bad, but you do seem to be moving fast. I could be wrong on that though. I don't think replying by email is that weird. The situation might just make her uncomfortable, or she doesn't want to give you any ideas. There's nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn't worry too much about your weight, although if you're overweight it's never unhealthy to lose some of it. If you've had bad luck in the dating game, maybe you should stop playing it and find a new game. That's what I've done. Best of luck to you!

 

[nathan82]

You talked to her a few times...how'd you wind up getting her number?

Depending on your answer, that may explain why she e-mailed you instead of calling you back.

One thing I would've done differently is leaving a voice saying that you have something to tell her. That way, you catch her live and not on a machine, etc.

Preferably, asking out in person would have been the best bet.

Do you consider being overweight a challenge? If so, what steps are being taken to address that?

 

[Frangible]

I'd try starting from a different point. Actually spend time with a girl with no romantic intentions (I've been saying this a lot lately). Build a friendship. See where that leads. Friendships built before getting into a relationship help make things last longer, and you're not going to be with someone without knowing who they are first. At the worst, you have more friends. Just because someone captures your attention doesn't mean you should ask them out. Maybe it means you should start a new friendship.

Not a bad idea; I have a decent number of female acquaintances, but no true female friends.

You talked to her a few times...how'd you wind up getting her number?

Depending on your answer, that may explain why she e-mailed you instead of calling you back.

One thing I would've done differently is leaving a voice saying that you have something to tell her. That way, you catch her live and not on a machine, etc.

Preferably, asking out in person would have been the best bet.

She gave me her number from (unrelated) prior contact. I suppose she could've percieved that as being a breech of trust or something.

Do you consider being overweight a challenge? If so, what steps are being taken to address that?

No, being overweight is very easy. Losing weight, now that's a challenge I'm just doing diet, exercise, repeat forever. It's the last part I seem to have difficulty with sometimes. I've made enough long-term dietary changes such that I maintain my weight pretty well now, it just takes that extra bit of effort of self-control and regular exercise to decrease it.

 

[TriptychR]

I wouldn't worry too much that she replied to you through email. You're probably thinking into it too much. Maybe she just heard your message as she was about to get on the computer and thought it would be the best way to reach you.

 

[InTheGarden]

I don't think you necessarily did anything "wrong" in this situation, but if a guy I'd only talked to a few times at church called me up out of the blue and left a message saying he wanted to take me out to dinner to get to know me better I'd be a little freaked out by it. Remember, she probably had no idea that you were interested in her until this message came.

I think it would be better, as the other posters said, to talk to her in person and to keep it on a more casual, friendship-type level at first. For example, asking her out to coffee after a church function that you both happen to be at, or talking with her over time to find out a common interest that would suggest some sort of activity to attend together, as friends. There's plenty of time for romance to build from there if you find you are compatible with each other.

I wouldn't worry about the reply being by e-mail. Some people really are too busy to make phone calls but have a few minutes at work to send e-mails; some people may not want to use their cell phone minutes or really just are not that great at talking on the phone (I tend to be one of them, especially in awkward situations).

As for the weight issue, I think that if you get to know women as friends first, they will see your personality as more important than your weight, and it shouldn't be much of a factor. This may sound trite but in my experience it's true.

If you'd like to date, don't give up; just be patient and go slow! Good luck!

 

[Frangible]

I don't think you necessarily did anything "wrong" in this situation, but if a guy I'd only talked to a few times at church called me up out of the blue and left a message saying he wanted to take me out to dinner to get to know me better I'd be a little freaked out by it. Remember, she probably had no idea that you were interested in her until this message came.

I think it would be better, as the other posters said, to talk to her in person and to keep it on a more casual, friendship-type level at first. For example, asking her out to coffee after a church function that you both happen to be at, or talking with her over time to find out a common interest that would suggest some sort of activity to attend together, as friends. There's plenty of time for romance to build from there if you find you are compatible with each other.

I wouldn't worry about the reply being by e-mail. Some people really are too busy to make phone calls but have a few minutes at work to send e-mails; some people may not want to use their cell phone minutes or really just are not that great at talking on the phone (I tend to be one of them, especially in awkward situations).

As for the weight issue, I think that if you get to know women as friends first, they will see your personality as more important than your weight, and it shouldn't be much of a factor. This may sound trite but in my experience it's true.

If you'd like to date, don't give up; just be patient and go slow! Good luck!

Thanks, makes sense. I've heard some conflicting advice (previously) regarding the timing issue. It seems a lot of people are of the opinion that if you wait, you'll be regarded as a friend, and have more difficulty forming any sort of romantic relationship than if you had been more direct initially. Maybe it depends on the person? I'm not sure.

 

[Mskedi]

I would say that leaving a message asking her out is a bad call. I would be, depending on my relationship with the person, either freaked out or disappointed by such an action. And I would likely reply by e-mail because I would think the following conversation would be awkward.

So... next time, mid-hanging out with a person you're interested in, mention something that might be fun. If the person thinks it sounds fun, too, invite her along. There are fewer expectations involved in that.

 

[JeremiahJ]

It seems a lot of people are of the opinion that if you wait, you'll be regarded as a friend, and have more difficulty forming any sort of romantic relationship than if you had been more direct initially.

Are these people married?

 

[InTheGarden]

Thanks, makes sense. I've heard some conflicting advice (previously) regarding the timing issue. It seems a lot of people are of the opinion that if you wait, you'll be regarded as a friend, and have more difficulty forming any sort of romantic relationship than if you had been more direct initially. Maybe it depends on the person? I'm not sure.

I think the initial direct approach might work if people have a common friend to fix them up or if they just want to meet people for fun rather than get involved in a long-term/serious relationship. Otherwise I think many women (myself included) would much rather get to know someone as a friend first before getting involved romantically. If you're marriage-minded and/or not looking for just a physical relationship, the time it takes to develop a good friendship to base the dating relationship on is time well-spent!

 

[Frangible]

Well, I appreciate the perspective you've all offered here. Actually, I feel quite uncomfortable with the "direct approach" (comfort level is a two-way street), so it's good to know that assumption isn't entirely true.

 

[nathan82]

I think you hit the nail right here. I'm in a similar situation where I was rejected (I asked in-person).

However, I was told by a lady that my approach of saying, "can I take you out on a date?" probably caused too much pressure on her...especially if she wasn't ready...which was the case.

The lady basically, suggested the same thing you suggest. Being friends, waiting it out, etc. In summary, if she's worth the wait...then it's worth waiting for...something like that hahah, it's 1 am and I've been up since 6 am the previous day.

I don't think you necessarily did anything "wrong" in this situation, but if a guy I'd only talked to a few times at church called me up out of the blue and left a message saying he wanted to take me out to dinner to get to know me better I'd be a little freaked out by it. Remember, she probably had no idea that you were interested in her until this message came.

I think it would be better, as the other posters said, to talk to her in person and to keep it on a more casual, friendship-type level at first. For example, asking her out to coffee after a church function that you both happen to be at, or talking with her over time to find out a common interest that would suggest some sort of activity to attend together, as friends. There's plenty of time for romance to build from there if you find you are compatible with each other.

I wouldn't worry about the reply being by e-mail. Some people really are too busy to make phone calls but have a few minutes at work to send e-mails; some people may not want to use their cell phone minutes or really just are not that great at talking on the phone (I tend to be one of them, especially in awkward situations).

As for the weight issue, I think that if you get to know women as friends first, they will see your personality as more important than your weight, and it shouldn't be much of a factor. This may sound trite but in my experience it's true.

If you'd like to date, don't give up; just be patient and go slow! Good luck!

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I'd try starting from a different point. Actually spend time with a girl with no romantic intentions (I've been saying this a lot lately). Build a friendship. See where that leads. Friendships built before getting into a relationship help make things last longer, and you're not going to be with someone without knowing who they are first. At the worst, you have more friends. Just because someone captures your attention doesn't mean you should ask them out. Maybe it means you should start a new friendship.

I don't think that the specifics of what you've been doing to get dates is that bad, but you do seem to be moving fast. I could be wrong on that though. I don't think replying by email is that weird. The situation might just make her uncomfortable, or she doesn't want to give you any ideas. There's nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn't worry too much about your weight, although if you're overweight it's never unhealthy to lose some of it. If you've had bad luck in the dating game, maybe you should stop playing it and find a new game. That's what I've done. Best of luck to you!

In my expereince mostly when you start something with someone with no romantic intentions it only leads to a place where there are only more non-romantic intentions. Attraction is with me from the start. A person's personailty can grow on me in a friendship scenario but looks and attractiveness are there from the start or they never will be. I wont wake up one day and think "Oh all of a sudden I think this gal is sexy!" It hasn't happened yet in my life and I can safely assume that it never will.

 

[OhhJim]

Actually, I feel quite uncomfortable with the "direct approach"

Tough. Do it anyway, because that's the way you have to do it. I feel quite uncomfortable about having to get up in the morning and earn a living, but it has to be done.

If you are intimidated by personal interaction with women (like many of the rest of us) then take steps to address that issue. Join Toastmasters, take a dance class, join a coed sports team, join a book club, etc. etc. Like Clint Eastwood taught in 'Heartbreak Ridge': Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

 

[nathan82]

I hope you'll answer my question. I've always wondered about the friend approach. I was put in a similar situation where I could've been friends with this girl I like(d).

However, I was worried about being put in the "just friends" category, which from what I have heard, can happen in a hurry. And from that point on, there would be no turning back.

So I went ahead and asked her out...obviously was rejected and maybe I talk to her here and there. I don't regret it...although at times I do second-guess myself on would we keep talking if I didn't ask her out.

So my question is this: what is the point where you become just friends? I notice you say you would rather be friends first, then see if there is anyone romantically. It can be a very tough predicament from a guy's perspective. Sure, we can tough it out...but most times, we could be toughing out a pipe dream.

I think the initial direct approach might work if people have a common friend to fix them up or if they just want to meet people for fun rather than get involved in a long-term/serious relationship. Otherwise I think many women (myself included) would much rather get to know someone as a friend first before getting involved romantically. If you're marriage-minded and/or not looking for just a physical relationship, the time it takes to develop a good friendship to base the dating relationship on is time well-spent!

 

[sherri]

I hope you'll answer my question. I've always wondered about the friend approach. I was put in a similar situation where I could've been friends with this girl I like(d).

However, I was worried about being put in the "just friends" category, which from what I have heard, can happen in a hurry. And from that point on, there would be no turning back.

If a girl likes you, thats never going to happen - seriously. If you get to know her as a friend first she'll feel more comfortable letting you know if she likes you or not. If she does, she'll send you signals and if she doesn't, you gain a friend. If you suddenly just ask her out on a full-on date after two minutes of chatting at the tea and coffee stand after church, she'll probably just reject you out of an automatic reflex. To most girls, that whole approach can be a bit intimidating.

Seriously - unless you look like Brad Pitt, it's really a good idea to get to know the girl a bit first. Once she's comfortable, like someone else said, suggesting coffee or something easy and no pressure is your best bet. If she's interested, she'll mostly say yes, even if she hates coffee.

(In fact I used to hate coffee until a guy I liked bought me a cup - then I had to drink it )

 

[shinbits]

You messed up when u didn't ask her out in person. If she goes to your church, then you have no excuse not to. Unless you knew this girl really well and for a long time, any other way besides in person is a bad way to ask her out.

 

[nathan82]

Hahah, you are so right. I learned this the hard way

I talked to her a lot more than "tea and coffee after service" and shared a lot of good stuff with her about myself and the other way around. I thought the timing was just right. Maybe that's what I wanted to think in my head or something.

If a girl likes you, thats never going to happen - seriously. If you get to know her as a friend first she'll feel more comfortable letting you know if she likes you or not. If she does, she'll send you signals and if she doesn't, you gain a friend. If you suddenly just ask her out on a full-on date after two minutes of chatting at the tea and coffee stand after church, she'll probably just reject you out of an automatic reflex. To most girls, that whole approach can be a bit intimidating.

Seriously - unless you look like Brad Pitt, it's really a good idea to get to know the girl a bit first. Once she's comfortable, like someone else said, suggesting coffee or something easy and no pressure is your best bet. If she's interested, she'll mostly say yes, even if she hates coffee.

(In fact I used to hate coffee until a guy I liked bought me a cup - then I had to drink it )

 

[YouthPastor]

I'd try starting from a different point. Actually spend time with a girl with no romantic intentions (I've been saying this a lot lately). Build a friendship. See where that leads. Friendships built before getting into a relationship help make things last longer, and you're not going to be with someone without knowing who they are first. At the worst, you have more friends. Just because someone captures your attention doesn't mean you should ask them out. Maybe it means you should start a new friendship.

Totally agree. I truely recommend being freinds first - get to know people of the opposite sex as firends first - group settings etc.. It takes alot of the pressure off as well as there less need to "impress" or wear masks.

Onc eyou have friends of the opposite sex, if something sparks beweeen you and one of them, you already know each other & if it does not work out - there is a better chance you may remain friends.

 

[sunshinejennii]

Surely if you've taken the oppurtunity to get to know her, and establish a rapport, even if you do then take a slightly more direct approach and she turns you down, she'll at least explain her reasoning and you can carry on as friends. You're saying that you've got to weigh up the time between getting to know someone and becoming 'just friends' but you haven't. If she only sees you as a friend then clearly that was a relationship that wasn't meant to happen, even if you'd asked her out earlier she'd have turned you down. And if it is a worthwhile, healthy relationship then your asking will get her thinking, and she may turn round a few weeks later and say that now she's starting thinking of you as potential romantic material actually she would like to explore the possibility of you two dating.

Have a little faith, get to know her and see her as a wonderful godly women, it may make a refreshing change for her. Either she'll be attracted to you or she won't, stressing over precise timing won't change anything. Act when and in a manner in which you feel comfortable, if you mess up don't worry, if she'd worth it she'll find that endearing, and if she's not no worries, if she's any kind of decent person she'll still want you as a friend. If she doesn't even want you as a friend then thats her problem, shes missing out on an awesome guy AND she obviously isn't very good at making it clear to you that she doesn't even like you.

(sorry that's not a very coherent reply!)