I am fighting to get my faith back and I had to reach for a faith based organization. I am hopefully to win my battles, but it has been a long and emotionally draining five weeks. I never seem to get a straight answer from my own counselor; I get books from her on Toxic Parents and Seperating Me and Mom. I do not believe my parents made me the way I was...
History: adopted by Dad at age 6. Biological father severe physical and emotional abuser---both Mom and Bio. Father alcoholics..Mom beeb sober 22 years-doubt the other one has unless it was while inprison. He just got remarried for the fifth time and it was at a bar so I will take the guess he relapsed on his recovery.
33 year old female - married 10 together 12 1st marriage and only if I can save it. Besides dating a couple boys, I had one serious relationship started in jr. High continued till 22. He was physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. I stayed and went back over and over....I thought I loved him, I could help him...I gave my virginity to him, we were getting married, he wasn't cheating..."Best friend" was the one telling him I was cheating he would hit push and verbally attack me...she would show up the next day see the bruises, swollen eyes, and red face from crying a saying "u don't deserve that u r to good" but she would tell him another lie and it kept up, till I found out they were together....I left looked back once during my marriage left home to think and look at it, got to knock the mess out of him and then begged husband to take me back. THANK GOD he did...I have reealized though that from my husband I didn't understand he is a conflict avoider, not overly affectionate, and showed love in such a different way then parents or other people I thought were in love. So when I asked or wanted something usually that emotional by play, and it didn't happen I would get mad I would argue and then my hollering turned to criticism. Not realizing that words were more important to him than all the time, love, devotion I gave to his family his children and who ever else didn't heal the words, but I grew up with verbal confrontation btwn parents, dad always forgave mom. I didn't realize that to him it negated all that during an arguement (which he started doing back about 8 months ago) I would say - hated him, or tell him to go see his wh";-y (b/c he wasn't touching me) or he was stupid or to leave. I didn't think he loved me-i never got a response during a fight or any emotion so I would get angrier and the next fight I would use uglier words....for a long time his response was to call me potty mouth-when what I really wanted was him to hold me, assure me of his love, stop acting (in my mind) like I was 4th on his list-with his kids, job and himself the most important. But the more I pushed verbally for emotion and affection in that way I failed to see he just withdrew further and further. In august my brother n law died unexpectedly. I tried conversations with my husband bout life insurance, but I didn't realize till now he was bitter and my once no cussing, non-confrontational, I handle on my own, don't want counseling husband seen everything I said as negative and became the holler and cusser. He left on the 4th of nov and it took my dad to say yes, leslie people know you have a quick temper so we just won't say anything and others to tell me that-in the last two yrs got my little sisters kids b/c as usually leslie saves the day or defends when little sister messes up and leslie never says no, always gives and gives so we can depend on her to come in. get her or leslie will be here...etc...but I knew they loved me so I would get angry at something but not use the same words....anyway dad asked "what happened to my sweet little girl? U have so many good qualities, u give of yourself so much, but why do u get so mad at your husband over little things and say those harsh words. Has he not told u?" Yes, my husband did say before, leslie can't take those words back they hurt." But I didn't think he loved me so I could lose him in my thoughts: we didn't have sex like we did the firt 7 yrs. So he had to stop loving me is what my mind said.My mind didn't see how much love and compromise it took that wonderful man to take a wife back. If we went somewherew he always wanted so and so to go and when I asked or wanted I didn't see it happening. So what did he do for me I would think" until he was gone and my dad who I know loves me said I done what my husband said...I looked at myself and shattered....I found my love and I destroyed him!!!! I opened my eyes and heart and accepted his little flaws, and seen he would let me sleep late on wknds and get up w/niece and nephew, he would make me coffee greet me with a kiss and ask how my day was he supported me in job and praised me to people(I am being told now) yes, he is human and has flaws but looking and listening from the heart now as at the start of our marriage I realize that they are nothing to be apart for-his core character and heart are good.I am working hard on me and since I know he loves me I feel differntly inside- its hard to explain-but husband is lost emotionally---he says and this is true....he done all the compromising and all the changing, he loves me, but is angry that I didn't see before he left what I had become...he would have knots in stomach worried about my mood....he doesn't know who he is....the one everyone thought was the controller was controlled...he wants to come back home but he is unsure of himself and of me(which I understand) he came home for week of thanksgiving and things were good. We have even been intimate twice in three weeks which is a record compared to the last two yrs. I am working on me in church (b/c I know I abandoned God) up till 23 I never spoke a harsh word to anyone and then the one who least desered the rage got it. I tore him down. I know now that early attempts were to get him to share his emotions, not just day activities, but the more he didn't the less loved I felt so more words would fly and he would detach more and I would verbally slay more????? How do I help him get back himself? To not doubt himself like he is? To not erect that wall? I believe after my "love" before my marriage hurt me so that is what I done and my DEAR HUSBAND paid the price....I don't want that for him...I promise who I became for 6 or 7 yrs is not who I am, dad is right I constantly do and sacrifice for others and have done and giving to husband and his grown daughters and we all love each other. I have slipped in 4 weeks once and said 1 curse word but other than that I am making progress---except my other half is gone---all of a sudden an extremely young girl at work texting him at all hours of the night (he don't respond to most), he stopped wearing his ring, somedays he calls and will say I love u --- some days he won't --- I am so used to forgiviing that I hold no grudge, I accept those I care for as is - if they are not good then I choose other friends, but I don't hold flaws and mistakes against someone. and if I care enough keep that person in my life, but I have caused the one person I love most in the world a detrimental amount of pain and he only sees me a couple days a week although we talk everyday, but will only talk bout us if he feels like it...he says he loves me and is trying to move in positive direction with me---I am still living in camper aren't I leslie he says---look at that I am not looking forward without you, but who am i---i don't even know anymore??? he sends and ask for intimate pictures and sunday our time together was like it was in the early days, but he says " I give what I can when I can to u." There is noone else understand that it is how we relate to each other and I have to much FEAR and doubt right now that in a month two or ten it will go back and I am never leaving home again I need to be positive I work on it every night u know I have had 1 buddy over in three weeks...help me help him. I pray for him to get his esteem back.... Husband 43 2nd marriage 2 daughters - his 18 yo honor student - his baby angel just gave birth to grandson.No matter what I say he takes it as a control tone or says I am trying to manipulate him. I know I have always had a good heart...I got lost in the Battle for my mind and stopped using my heart. I pray daily for my husband and for Gods will to be done, but I can't stop myself from trying to reach out. I know what hurt does and I hate the fact that I hurt the one person God intended me to be with the most and I can't reach him. Sometimes it feels as if the devil is physically hurting me, he is trying to get me to stop my praise and worship-yet at times I feel so lost; its those moments where I am battling it out that I lose all my energy and just want to lay on the floor and cry. Whew lots of typing but thanks for listening. God Bless
History: adopted by Dad at age 6. Biological father severe physical and emotional abuser---both Mom and Bio. Father alcoholics..Mom beeb sober 22 years-doubt the other one has unless it was while inprison. He just got remarried for the fifth time and it was at a bar so I will take the guess he relapsed on his recovery.
33 year old female - married 10 together 12 1st marriage and only if I can save it. Besides dating a couple boys, I had one serious relationship started in jr. High continued till 22. He was physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. I stayed and went back over and over....I thought I loved him, I could help him...I gave my virginity to him, we were getting married, he wasn't cheating..."Best friend" was the one telling him I was cheating he would hit push and verbally attack me...she would show up the next day see the bruises, swollen eyes, and red face from crying a saying "u don't deserve that u r to good" but she would tell him another lie and it kept up, till I found out they were together....I left looked back once during my marriage left home to think and look at it, got to knock the mess out of him and then begged husband to take me back. THANK GOD he did...I have reealized though that from my husband I didn't understand he is a conflict avoider, not overly affectionate, and showed love in such a different way then parents or other people I thought were in love. So when I asked or wanted something usually that emotional by play, and it didn't happen I would get mad I would argue and then my hollering turned to criticism. Not realizing that words were more important to him than all the time, love, devotion I gave to his family his children and who ever else didn't heal the words, but I grew up with verbal confrontation btwn parents, dad always forgave mom. I didn't realize that to him it negated all that during an arguement (which he started doing back about 8 months ago) I would say - hated him, or tell him to go see his wh";-y (b/c he wasn't touching me) or he was stupid or to leave. I didn't think he loved me-i never got a response during a fight or any emotion so I would get angrier and the next fight I would use uglier words....for a long time his response was to call me potty mouth-when what I really wanted was him to hold me, assure me of his love, stop acting (in my mind) like I was 4th on his list-with his kids, job and himself the most important. But the more I pushed verbally for emotion and affection in that way I failed to see he just withdrew further and further. In august my brother n law died unexpectedly. I tried conversations with my husband bout life insurance, but I didn't realize till now he was bitter and my once no cussing, non-confrontational, I handle on my own, don't want counseling husband seen everything I said as negative and became the holler and cusser. He left on the 4th of nov and it took my dad to say yes, leslie people know you have a quick temper so we just won't say anything and others to tell me that-in the last two yrs got my little sisters kids b/c as usually leslie saves the day or defends when little sister messes up and leslie never says no, always gives and gives so we can depend on her to come in. get her or leslie will be here...etc...but I knew they loved me so I would get angry at something but not use the same words....anyway dad asked "what happened to my sweet little girl? U have so many good qualities, u give of yourself so much, but why do u get so mad at your husband over little things and say those harsh words. Has he not told u?" Yes, my husband did say before, leslie can't take those words back they hurt." But I didn't think he loved me so I could lose him in my thoughts: we didn't have sex like we did the firt 7 yrs. So he had to stop loving me is what my mind said.My mind didn't see how much love and compromise it took that wonderful man to take a wife back. If we went somewherew he always wanted so and so to go and when I asked or wanted I didn't see it happening. So what did he do for me I would think" until he was gone and my dad who I know loves me said I done what my husband said...I looked at myself and shattered....I found my love and I destroyed him!!!! I opened my eyes and heart and accepted his little flaws, and seen he would let me sleep late on wknds and get up w/niece and nephew, he would make me coffee greet me with a kiss and ask how my day was he supported me in job and praised me to people(I am being told now) yes, he is human and has flaws but looking and listening from the heart now as at the start of our marriage I realize that they are nothing to be apart for-his core character and heart are good.I am working hard on me and since I know he loves me I feel differntly inside- its hard to explain-but husband is lost emotionally---he says and this is true....he done all the compromising and all the changing, he loves me, but is angry that I didn't see before he left what I had become...he would have knots in stomach worried about my mood....he doesn't know who he is....the one everyone thought was the controller was controlled...he wants to come back home but he is unsure of himself and of me(which I understand) he came home for week of thanksgiving and things were good. We have even been intimate twice in three weeks which is a record compared to the last two yrs. I am working on me in church (b/c I know I abandoned God) up till 23 I never spoke a harsh word to anyone and then the one who least desered the rage got it. I tore him down. I know now that early attempts were to get him to share his emotions, not just day activities, but the more he didn't the less loved I felt so more words would fly and he would detach more and I would verbally slay more????? How do I help him get back himself? To not doubt himself like he is? To not erect that wall? I believe after my "love" before my marriage hurt me so that is what I done and my DEAR HUSBAND paid the price....I don't want that for him...I promise who I became for 6 or 7 yrs is not who I am, dad is right I constantly do and sacrifice for others and have done and giving to husband and his grown daughters and we all love each other. I have slipped in 4 weeks once and said 1 curse word but other than that I am making progress---except my other half is gone---all of a sudden an extremely young girl at work texting him at all hours of the night (he don't respond to most), he stopped wearing his ring, somedays he calls and will say I love u --- some days he won't --- I am so used to forgiviing that I hold no grudge, I accept those I care for as is - if they are not good then I choose other friends, but I don't hold flaws and mistakes against someone. and if I care enough keep that person in my life, but I have caused the one person I love most in the world a detrimental amount of pain and he only sees me a couple days a week although we talk everyday, but will only talk bout us if he feels like it...he says he loves me and is trying to move in positive direction with me---I am still living in camper aren't I leslie he says---look at that I am not looking forward without you, but who am i---i don't even know anymore??? he sends and ask for intimate pictures and sunday our time together was like it was in the early days, but he says " I give what I can when I can to u." There is noone else understand that it is how we relate to each other and I have to much FEAR and doubt right now that in a month two or ten it will go back and I am never leaving home again I need to be positive I work on it every night u know I have had 1 buddy over in three weeks...help me help him. I pray for him to get his esteem back.... Husband 43 2nd marriage 2 daughters - his 18 yo honor student - his baby angel just gave birth to grandson.No matter what I say he takes it as a control tone or says I am trying to manipulate him. I know I have always had a good heart...I got lost in the Battle for my mind and stopped using my heart. I pray daily for my husband and for Gods will to be done, but I can't stop myself from trying to reach out. I know what hurt does and I hate the fact that I hurt the one person God intended me to be with the most and I can't reach him. Sometimes it feels as if the devil is physically hurting me, he is trying to get me to stop my praise and worship-yet at times I feel so lost; its those moments where I am battling it out that I lose all my energy and just want to lay on the floor and cry. Whew lots of typing but thanks for listening. God Bless
lbclvsrjc,Welcome.
