Appropriate or not?

[hygienemom]

So tell me if this is appropriate or not
My significant other is on his way to borrow something from his friend but this friend is not at home but his wife will be.
He and i have had issues with him going there alone (not the first time) and her being there alone.
When i met him, he used to sit and have coffee with her without her husband there. He really liked her (was in a horrible relationship at the time) saying she was so nice and friendly. When i met him i told him i didn't think that was appropriate for them to be alone together. He said he always wanted to meet someone like her and said i was like her - friendly, down-to-earth, etc.
I have been in her company a few times and she is far from friendly to me. She will leave the room with another friend of hers...leaving me sit there by myself. He saw that and felt that was awful. I think she feels i have come between her and my man...they don't have coffee anymore.
I don't think he should go there without her husband there. I have voiced my opinion but he says i'm being silly and that he loves me...but why go without her husband there?

 

[Busybee]

I'm pretty old fashioned in my views of this and personally don't think it's appropriate. It could eventually lead to people on the outside viewing there as being something going on and putting that rumor in the streets.

Have you asked him to let you go with him? If so what was his response to that. If he doesn't have any problem with you accompanying him to go to her house while her husband is gone, then I wouldn't be that concerned. I would certainly go with him if he doesn't mind, if he does mind...well at that point I'd wonder what was going on.

He said he always wanted to meet someone like her and said i was like her - friendly, down-to-earth, etc.

I won't lie though, that statement I quoted gives me a bit of concern in that it seems he wanted someone like her, instead his concern should be comparing personalities to that of Christ (a Christian woman).

It seems that he'll be willing to compromise with you though since he's stopped having coffee with her, so that's a good thing, but if she's exhibiting jealous tendencies at all then it may be best if they discontinue the alone sessions. She's a married woman and she definitely shouldn't get jealous over someone she's not married too lol.

 

[Redguard]

Maybe you can go get it for him.

 

[Singin4Him]

I agree, it is wrong of him to be doing this and he should have more respect for the fact that she is married and more respect for you as well. However, you knew he felt this ok when you met and started dating him so why did you begin a relationship with him when you disagreed with something as big of a deal as that?

I don't mean to be harsh but most affairs start as innocent friendships. If I were you I would be less concerned that he may spend time alone with this woman but that he feels it is ok to do so with ANY married woman. Don't stay with him in hopes to change him, if he thinks is ok and you see no sign of him changing that opinion you should move on.

 

[mamaneenie]

Ah, if he doesn't go inside and waits outside for her to get it and leaves straight away, technically there is no problem with it.

I am more concerned about him saying that he wanted to find someone exactly like her. Is that supposed to be a compliment? That is what I would be more concerned about than anything.

It is good that he isn't having coffees with her anymore.

My husband and I try to keep a policy where we don't spend any time alone with someone of the opposite sex, married or single. It doesn't leave any room for stumbling or forming inappropriate connections. Also it doesn't leave any room for other people to see what is going on and form their own ideas from it.

 

[Redguard]

Yeah... for him to say that he liked her... and that you're just like her... that's a slap in the face.

 

[heartnsoul]

Personally speaking, I don't see anything wrong with a man and woman conversing together so long as it is just a "plutonic" relationship and it's nothing more than that.

However given the situation you described and what your boyfriend has expressed already about her, then I think it would be totally inappropriate for him to go there with her alone. That's just asking for trouble and temptation. Relationships are based on trust and nurturing each other's spirit. You may need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a calm, heart-to-heart talk with him about what your feelings are about it. Speak the truth in love. If your boyfriend truly loves and cares for you, then he will be receptive to your needs and feelings. If he becomes hostile, angry and argumentative, then you may want to think about discontinuing the relationship.

I wish you luck and I hope positive things come out of your communication with him.

 

[Jill Ann]

I have had to deal with a VERY similar situation concerning my H and his best friend's wife. It has taken a couple of years and a lot of frustration and hurt feelings along the way, but I think we finally have reached an understanding about what boundaries seem appropriate concerning contact/interaction.

When I started dating my H he was constantly hanging around and going out with his friend and friend's wife....they were quite the Three-some. It was to the point where if his friend went out of town, my H and the wife would still do stuff together (they went to a concert together when his friend was out of town and they loved to "joke" about what a GREAT time they had and that it was the BEST concert they'd ever been to) I never could appreciate the humor of them joking around about their "date". I could give you a million examples of why I felt so extremely uncomfortable about the whole situation, including the time my H (we had just been dating a short while at the time) looked at me and told me that his friend's wife was the coolest girl he knew. Yeah, talk about a slap in the face!

Some of the the agreements we have reached: When he calls over there it is to talk to his FRIEND, not the wife. He only goes over there if his friend is there, there's no reason to be alone with the wife. When he sees the wife, he will no longer indulge in big hugs with her.

I completely agree with you that your H has NO REASON to put himself in the situation of being alone with this woman....the fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be reason enough for your husband to respect your wishes. Shouldn't that be first and foremost?????

 

[Henaynei]

just getting my feet wet around here - y'all give some solid consul!

 

[Silent Enigma]

I'll put in my vote as "inappropriate"

 

[Emma!]

I'll put in my vote as "inappropriate"

me too!

 

[hygienemom]

Here is an update...He did go over to his friends house but the guys father was there as well as lots of kids so they two could not be alone...it was a quick exchange. God does answer prayer in His way!

He knew this was bothering me and he did make it a quick stop and then was back with me in no time.

Thank you for your comments and understanding.

Lisa

 

[Silent Enigma]

Ah, good.

 

[Yitzchak]

Red flags go up , as far as I am concerned. Not meaning that your signifigant other is neccesarially cheating. But since you brought it up that you were uncomfortable and were ignored , that is not a good sign. You may be able to trust him but you probably can't trust him "with her" because the way you described her interactions with you sounds like her intentions are not right.

My wife read your post and said her women's intuition says watch out for this woman !!

 

[Redguard]

Take extra caution if this woman lives in Manitoba. You know what they say about Manitoba women...

 

[heartnsoul]

Here is an update...He did go over to his friends house but the guys father was there as well as lots of kids so they two could not be alone...it was a quick exchange. God does answer prayer in His way!

He knew this was bothering me and he did make it a quick stop and then was back with me in no time.

Thank you for your comments and understanding.

Lisa

Great news! Glad things worked out for you. I pray that you continue to keep the communication lines open with your husband and speak the truth in love. God bless you!

 

[mamaneenie]

That's good that it was sorted out. I would still keep an eye on him and make sure he understands why you are uncomfortable and listens to you. (it does sound like he will though)

 

[hollymarie1122]

I needed to add my 2 cents, it is glad that they weren't alone but what about next time? He needs to understand WHY you feel this way and either agree to not see her alone or you need someone that will understand and help you with your feelings (as not doing something that makes you uncomfertable!

 

[Melbelle]

I think its inappropriate for him to be alone with another woman that he use to have feelings for expecially. I don't think I would want my husband to be alone with another woman even if he had feeling or not for her.

 

[hygienemom]

Take extra caution if this woman lives in Manitoba. You know what they say about Manitoba women...

Ha Ha Ha and then there are those guys from TO