An honest question...

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

So many books I read warn against premarital sex, cos 'when you get married, you'll forever be comparing your husband/wife with your last partner'... Of course there are many other Christian reasons these books give for waiting, but this one always comes up.

I see so many younger Christians say that they couldn't cope with marrying a non-virgin because 'they'd compare me to the ex'.

As married couples, could you please be honest and tell me if that REALLY happens? Just, I've wiped pretty much every memory I have of my past sexual relationship (and get quite agro if someone tries to bring it up), so wonder if it has REALLY happened to married couples who didn't wait...

My thoughts have been that if you're ready to marry someone, you should have all ready dealt with your past sins on your own, so that shouldn't be as much of an issue (comparisons) as some people I see make of it.

Would appreciate some real life experiences of this, and whether you did find yourself comparing it. I understand this could be too hard for some people to share openly, so if you wish to PM me with your answer, feel free!

Sasch

 

[NoneyaBiznezz]

I don't compare. I've been married for 8 years. I would have to say that the premarital sex an previous partners hasn't helped our relationship and it has probably been responsible for some early trouble in our marriage. I love my wife, I don't have to compare

I can't even imagine what it would be like to have waited till marriage to have sex. It would have to be a beautiful thing Can you imagine the intensity in that type of relationship?

 

[andiesmama]

I love my wife, I don't have to compare

Good point!! Same here (substitute husband, tho!)...we both had sexual partners before we got married, I have never compared!

 

[Astronaut]

I don't know what I think about this issue.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks,

My bf (soon to be fiance, by the way things are going) has NEVER had a problem with my sexual history (I asked him point blank if anything had him concerned, and once we talked about the abuse in my past and my 'reasons' behind having sex, he said that he never felt threatened by the fact I've been with someone else), and I've never had a MAJOR problem with his. Any problems we had were more to do with WHYS rather than the fact we had had sex before, and we dealt with the stuff that had resulted in us having premarital sex.

Thanks for showing me that I'm not THAT obscure in Christian circles, where my bf isn't concerned that he's not going to be my first, and I'm not concerned that I'm not his...



Keep the answers coming. Trying to work it out so I can share that Christian married couples in the majority DON'T compare exes to their spouses as much as some people (especially young guys I come across) think they do...

Sasch

 

[GirlieGirl]

Comparing hasn't been a factor. But getting my heart free from a past sexual partner has been. I had sex with one guy before my husband. It was a terrible convulted experience that I don't feel able to talk about except with close girlfriends. I know that my feelings for him are more intense than if we had not had sex. And I don't mean good feelings. I was so angry at him, so hurt, and enraged. It was hard to break free of that. Sometimes I still have to put it before the Lord. And it's so hard to give yourself sexually to another man when that previous experience was used in a deeply damaging way. Sex is bonding. I knew him and he knew me. I wish that bond was never established. It took a while to break even though we no longer have contact. And premarital sex with him made him cheaper in my eyes. I didn't respect him after. And I know he didn't respect or value me. Yeah, premarital sex has had its consequences in my life. Thank God I'm a Christian - there would have been no other freedom from it otherwise.

 

[Busybee]

I could be wrong, but I don't think the issue is so much that the person who had premarital sex will compare their spouse to previous partners, as it is the spouse himself/herself will always have a fear of being compared to previous partners.

The whole, am I as good as she/he was type of thing. Also when people who've had premarital sex with other people run into their former partner, there is an awkwardness that I honestly believer wouldn't be there if they'd abided by God's law. When I see an ex of my husband's out I can't help but to think about how she had his body before I did (I don't think it in an envious way or even with dislike toward the girl, but you're seeing someone who has had something so special and dear to you). I also know my husband said he'd feel the same way.

I've never compared anything my husband and I have engaged in with any one I fornicated with, however I do know that he is the best. That in my opinion is the result of our intimate encounters being looked on favorably by the Lord and we have a love that is permanent and without the fears of "well is he/she gonna dump me for someone else new".

Therefore, I'm forced to disagree that it's fear mongering. It's true, but in reverse from the way it's been stated.

 

[Jenna]

Ah, yes, let me step up and be the 'bad guy'. lol

I have compaired my husband to my ex, though I am apt to keep that particular tidbit well within the privacy of my own grey matter. I think that a huge contributing factor to that was simply that I became sexually active with my husband very quickly after an absolutely awful breakup. So, I think that we started off on the wrong foot, being that I was mourning the death of a relationship that myself and others had thought was moving toward marriage. I had still been "in love" with my ex when he cast me off for a prettier girl, and I went more than a little... nutty. So, my husband and I started out on a rocky road simply because I was not ready for another relationship, and was quite honestly finding solace in a very good friend. You see, he loved me long before I was smart enough to open my eyes and see what was before me.

So, I think that if a person has time to distance themselves from the person or people that they have had sex with and have no standing feelings of affection, it probably wouldn't be a problem with comparisons. Some people are not that removed or that forgetful when it comes to people that they have loved in times past though. I would definitely not say that it is someone's way of scaring young Christians into submission. That just seems ridiculous to me. Just because some people don't get burned by their sexual histories, it doesn't mean that it works out that way for all of us.

I have never confided in my husband about any of the things that had crossed through my mind early on in our relationship. However, that did not stop him from worrying. I can't tell you how many times he worried that he wasn't "enough" in a variety of ways. The more stressed he got, the harder it was for us to have that intimacy. The harder the intimacy was to find, the less sex we had.....and things started getting real nasty. No matter how supportive I was about our bedroom relationship, it was a constant battle to quiet that voice in his head that said that he wasn't good enough and would never get to have the "firsts" with me. That lead to a deep sense of depression and failure. That worked into deviant behavior and into inappropriate contentography. Everything snowballed until sex was more of a monster in our relationship than a blessing. Yeah, all because he was afraid that in my mind, he couldn't measure up to a guy who had obviously held my heart and body in thrall. We loved each other so much that it was tearing us apart, as odd as that sounds.

Yes, comparisons can happen. It doesn't always have to be a conscious thing. It doesn't mean that the current guy is being thought of as less. However, sometimes different is just as bad, when a person suspects that when you close your eyes, you can still see someone else in your most intimate circumstances. So, no, this isn't some kind of tale that you read to younsters to keep them from fornicating, all the while crossing your fingers behind your back. Some folks may not get burned, but others aren't always so lucky. As for my personal experience, if I had it to do over again, I would rather have erred on the side of caution.

 

[InTheFlame]

Ummm... I have compared hubby with others... but it's more than sex... how to explain...

Sex outside of marriage was sex.

Sex inside of marriage is sex... and love... and tenderness... and belonging... and care... and procreation... and NO WORRY.

I compare and I am gobsmacked... blown away by God's grace and love and design...

 

[awen]

I see so many younger Christians say that they couldn't cope with marrying a non-virgin because 'they'd compare me to the ex'.

Sascha,

If I could offer one piece of advice to you, it'd be this:

Don't ever let anyone influence the way that you feel about marriage, unless it's positive! Humans are, generally, ignorant and stupid (I speak from personal experience and self-observation ) and like to spout opinions that are either entirely unjustified, or tainted by experience.

Rather, let's look at things this way (and some of us stupid, ignorant humans do ):

"The two will join together and become one flesh..."

That's all you need to know. I noticed you posted on that, too. The thing is, it isn't man and woman that make themselves one flesh, it's Christ. Your relationship with your husband (when you get there) won't be determined by young Christians with opinions, or by stupid humans, or even by incredibly intelligent humans who write books on the subject...

it will be determined by your commitment to Christ, and to each other... and what God has united, let no man seperate!

 

[charligirl]

I could be wrong, but I don't think the issue is so much that the person who had premarital sex will compare their spouse to previous partners, as it is the spouse himself/herself will always have a fear of being compared to previous partners.

Absolutely!

 

[Green Orchid]

I could be wrong, but I don't think the issue is so much that the person who had premarital sex will compare their spouse to previous partners, as it is the spouse himself/herself will always have a fear of being compared to previous partners.

I think that's very true. My dh and I didn't have sex with anyone before we were married, but he went pretty far with other girls anyway.
As far as I know, he never compared me with these girls.
But I had the fear that he would (I was quite a purist - kissing and more was a BIG deal to me!)
That was all before we were married though.
When we got married, I didn't think about it anymore, cuz I'm the only one he ever went "all the way" with!

 

[Katydid]

OK my take on this, considering my husband was married before is this. He didn't compare me to anyone else and I didn't compare him to anyone else, BUT....

When we first married I constantly wondered, did he touch her like this, did he kiss her like this, did he whisper these things to her. It took a while for me to get over that. For him, he flat out asked me, did you ever do this to anyone, did you ever try this. It became his goal to be my "first" , well, anything. So I do see problems with it. We both wish we would have waited. That is just my take on it.

 

[Busybee]

When we first married I constantly wondered, did he touch her like this, did he kiss her like this, did he whisper these things to her. It took a while for me to get over that

Exactly the same thoughts that have gone through my mind and I'm pretty sure even my own husband's. I'd have loved for us both to have been virgins when we married. The Lord has forgiven us both and we've moved on though (with the help of the Lord)

 

[faith renewal]

I can't imagine how awful it would be to have two virgins bumbling around trying to figure out the logistics of sex, whats good and whats not, and whats going on in general, on their wedding night. All I can think about is my first times when I had sex and how awkward it was.

My husband and I were both virgins when we came to each other. I didn't find it physically akward at all. I didn't feel like I needed to know what I was doing, because I knew we would learn together. We had to talk about things, what we liked and didn't, and we still do. The only thing that made it less than perfect was that we weren't married yet, which brought guilt and shame.

 

[pupose driven]

sometimes people have sex before marriage and they think they are in love.once a couple gets married they are joined as one flesh and God becomes a part of the relationship.sex with a spouse should be different in that it also has a spiritual meaning.

 

[GirlieGirl]

We focused a lot on the emotional damage that pre-marital sex causes. But I think God had a lot of very sensible other reasons for his instruction to us:

1) Disease. Hopping from bed to bed has lots of physical consequences. And even just once with an infected person can leave you in a world of hurt.
2) Sex makes babies outside of secure, legally recognized family units. That's a pretty good reason right there. Deny yourself so that you don't harm future offspring by starting them off in a broken home.
3) You cheapen the act by treating it carelessly. Sex is supposed to be exclusive between two people not a free for all.

4) And the best reason: Simply because He said so. Can't pick and choose from his commands. Even if you don't understand it, don't see the reason for it, you are called to obey because you love him and you know that his ways are good.

 

[jaimegerise]

Interesting topic...

I have to say this. My husband and I (been married almost 2 years) both had several partners before coming together. I can't speak for him, but I know for me, I have never compared him sexual to guys in my past...BUT, I have compared him as far as personality, the way he treated me, etc. I can only assume he's done the same with me.

But no, whether or not I had sex prior to being married to him had no bearing on our relationship and what I thought of him.

 

[Busybee]

We focused a lot on the emotional damage that pre-marital sex causes. But I think God had a lot of very sensible other reasons for his instruction to us:

1) Disease. Hopping from bed to bed has lots of physical consequences. And even just once with an infected person can leave you in a world of hurt.
2) Sex makes babies outside of secure, legally recognized family units. That's a pretty good reason right there. Deny yourself so that you don't harm future offspring by starting them off in a broken home.
3) You cheapen the act by treating it carelessly. Sex is supposed to be exclusive between two people not a free for all.

4) And the best reason: Simply because He said so. Can't pick and choose from his commands. Even if you don't understand it, don't see the reason for it, you are called to obey because you love him and you know that his ways are good.

All I can say is to all of that Girl.

 

[kingzjewel]

how about not necessarily comparing...what about flashbacks? what about those little pictures that tend to come into your mind when you arent really thinking about anything in particular and something reminds you of something else from before and you get flashed? i have had that happen plenty and so has my husband. its something i pray away from me, but i never compare. i would rather have not known a man so i didnt have flashes of the past. even still, i was a born again virgin, and i still fumbled around when we were together on our wedding night. he was a born again virgin. he fumbled around. he wished he hadnt had sex before marriage, too...for various reasons. comparing in general relationship? now thats a different story, not me so much as him, but it still happened...led to near breakups. we have been married 3 years and im sure we would have had more happy times if we hadnt been so culled up in past junk...even if we thought we got rid of it...there are some hurts that never go away and others that will surface where you never thought you had them.