Am on *half* a subtherapeutic dose now, drifting in and out of strength

[Gottservant]

Hi there,

So I don't know if I am up to even writing this. I have been dropped to half a subtherapeutic dose and so far, I get the regular episode of mania following the medication - which no one seems to think is a problem but me - and days and days of sleepy "drifting". I don't know if you've experienced the drifting before, but it is not pleasant. You sort of know for a minute what you're on about, and then you don't care and then you start to forget about it or whinge to God about it and then you find you don't even have the strength for that, so you let it go and then a little while later you start to know what you are on about again, and the cycle repeats.

I guess I am just fighting the emergence of a long dormant apathy, that has crept in while I've been busy sleeping my life away. This might sound funny, but I am sort of wondering: has anyone been on medication so long that they've never really returned to who they were, once they've come off. That's sort of what I am worried about. I mean, I have really, really, really stressed out on the medication, suicidal, you name it, constant mania and I don't know if I have what it takes to go back to being me. I didn't even think there was anything wrong with being me, but now I've sort of given up.

And I'm sort of wondering how you find God through all this. Like He has been tired out too, right? He has listened to my complaints and now we find that the system has had enough of the both of us? We are expected to return to something we were never respected for having in the first place - a life? How do you do that? "After you, God" "Oh no, after you" - does that not seem a bit ridiculous to you? But then what can they say "oh, sorry about all that, messed you up a bit, left you with no hope, but do your best and I'm sure you'll be right as rain" You're kidding right? I mean I want to be angry, I want justice, but I just don't know if I can care enough to even say a word. Vengeance? Vengeance is the Lord's? How about annihilation of careless drug administering monsters running rampant through helpless society? I just don't feel like it. Life is way too hard for someone who's been on drugs to cope with.

I hope everyone's happy, how I've been treated is obscene. Not to leave you on a down note, I'm sure the Lord has hope for something above and beyond all this earthly misery. He doesn't tarry his coming, at least.

 

[blackribbon]

Why are they weening you off the medication?

And what do you mean by a "half of a therapeutic dose"? Is this based on "normal" dosing or your actual blood work which shows how it is functioning in your body?

Remember, most of these drugs take time to work in the body and the same goes for when they are taking them out of your body...so what you are experiencing now may not be the desired effect but rather the path to get where they are hoping to get you.

Again, do you know what the doctor's "plan" is? Does he/she want to try another medication but needs to get this one out of your system first or does he/she believe that a lower dose would be healthier for you or simply, is there too much drug in your body (that it is above therapeutic levels per lab tests) and they need to let the levels drop to therapeutic levels.

Prayers for you as you go through this foggy stage. And God never gets tired even when we do. Living in an imperfect body is difficult and when the issue is with conditions that affect how you think, it has to make it more difficult. I hope you feel better soon.