advice wanted for terrible twos

[MominTX]

My 2 year old just started throwing fits right after his second birthday...he was the sweetest boy before then and all of a sudden he started throwing these aweful tantrums. Well I'm almost afraid we're making it worse. My husband doesn't tolerate whining, crying or screaming....I on the other hand am very patient and can put up with it because we also have a 4 month old and if I'm in the middle of feeding her...I don't have time to go discipline my son immediately when my husband isn't around. My husband tells me I have to be firm with my son, but I feel like he's almost too harsh and so when it comes to being firm with him, I am firm but my son figures Daddy is much worse so he can throw the fit with me no matter what I do. Now I do believe in spanking, but the spanking too often may make it worse don't you think? My husband spanks him about 6 times in a row(at least) when he's fussing. When I catch him fussing, I try to calm him down first and when that doesn't work, I scold him and if he carries on then I spank him. But if I spank him, that sometimes makes him madder, because I don't do it as hard as my husband I guess. Should there be a limit to the spankings and are we making it worse?

 

[Evening Mist]

My 2 year old just started throwing fits right after his second birthday...he was the sweetest boy before then and all of a sudden he started throwing these aweful tantrums. Well I'm almost afraid we're making it worse. My husband doesn't tolerate whining, crying or screaming....I on the other hand am very patient and can put up with it because we also have a 4 month old and if I'm in the middle of feeding her...I don't have time to go discipline my son immediately when my husband isn't around. My husband tells me I have to be firm with my son, but I feel like he's almost too harsh and so when it comes to being firm with him, I am firm but my son figures Daddy is much worse so he can throw the fit with me no matter what I do. Now I do believe in spanking, but the spanking too often may make it worse don't you think? My husband spanks him about 6 times in a row(at least) when he's fussing. When I catch him fussing, I try to calm him down first and when that doesn't work, I scold him and if he carries on then I spank him. But if I spank him, that sometimes makes him madder, because I don't do it as hard as my husband I guess. Should there be a limit to the spankings and are we making it worse?

A temper tantrum is an expression of anger. The goal should be to coach our children to express anger in appropriate and constructive ways. The goal should be to help them replace the tantrum with words. That way they still have a way to express the anger they feel. I have problems with spanking on many levels, but in the case of a tantrum, my biggest problem is that it fuels the anger that is causing the tantrum in the first place. A 2 yo. child who tantrums is a child who cannot communicate effectively -- and that is frustrating for him in and of itself. Add to that a spanking, and the frustration and anger can only escalate. Eventually, you might be able to stop the tantruming, however -- all the anger will be mulitplied by the increased frustration and turned inward, because he has learned no real way to express it. How will this affect his feelings about himself and about life?

Its much better to teach a child to stop screaming and "use words." I sit down with my 3 yo, hold him, and ask him to "tell me the problem with words." I can't always fix the problem, but I can listen and show that I understand. This helps enormously!

 

[E-beth]

I agree with the use of words, but my son still only speaks in object words: ball, eye, yeah, cookie,etc. My son throws his tantrums when he is not getting what he wants, period. So the choice is to give it to him or put up with the screaming. Mostly I try to re-direct, but when he wants to play with the cigarette butt in the parking lot no matter what I say, a struggle is gonna ensue. I can say "You can't play with that...it's yuck." and he will know exactly what I mean, but he is gonna let me know he wants it anyway. He is demanding and headstrong, and I want him to be happy and independent. I want to break his bad habit but not his spirit.