advice wanted for terrible twos

[94SupraTT]

My son started early as far as terrible twos goes. He is a year and a half and throws fits with the best of them. My wife thinks I'm too easy on him. For the most part he is good however when he is bad. HE IS BAD. You can tell he is thinking up things because he will get a look in his eyes and do something he is not suppose to do. Also if he is doing something he is not supposed to do and I walk up on him he will look at me and take off running because he knows he is caught. I think his biggest issue is his is stubborn. When he wants something his way its his way or no way. He is such a smart kid. I am amazed at the things he does. Also if you stop him from doing something he gets mad at says a phrase in baby talk. Me and my wife say he is fussing us out. Its the same phrase everytime and he body language shows how mad he is. He usually also goes and hits something when he is fussing at us. Help.

 

[Momzilla]

I have a son (my second) about to enter that stage, and he sounds a lot like your son--stubborn and way too smart for his own good. The "terrible twos" can be very frustrating for both parties. One thing that has worked for us is to distinguish between temper tantrums caused by defiance and temper tantrums caused by general frustration at being 2. Our response to the first kind (with our older son) was always to behave as if the tantrum wasn't happening. If he threw a tantrum about sitting down to dinner, for example, we'd sit down to dinner, say grace, and proceed as though he wasn't yelling and stomping--we'd even direct conversation his way sometimes, to demonstrate that we were ignoring the behavior, not him.

I could go on and on, but I'll try to stick to the basics. At this age, your son is just beginning to understand the concept of "no", so realize that he's testing it out--what happens when Daddy says no and I do it anyway? He's also learning about rules--I have a vivid memory of telling my older son "don't touch X" and watching him touch everything AROUND "X" while looking straight at me--he was trying to understand the contours of the rule. Also, we try to limit the number of rules we impose, in order to lessen frustration for all of us. We stick to safety rules and a few others; everything else is negotiable. That has worked pretty well for us.

Hang in there, and remember--grandchildren are your reward for not killing your children.

 

[Evening Mist]

I try to perceive all 2 yo. temper tantrums as an expression of frustration, anger, dissapointment, or sadness. Its never been helpful for me to view it as advisarial in nature. I try to remind myself that it is not about ME, it is about his strong feelings, and the fact that he hasn't learned to deal well with them yet.

My toddlers didn't always want to be touched during these episodes, but I did always try to stay near by to comfort them. I also tried to "label" their feelings for them with words, empathizing by saying, "I hear that you feel frustrated. Its hard when you don't get what you want. It makes you angry, doesn't it? I know how hard it can feel." Eventually, my kids internalized this kind of "talk" and when they were more verbal (3.5-4 yo) they began to use words to express strong feelings instead of throwing fits. Talking to them about feelings helped to build their vocabularies so they could eventually be more constructive and appropriate in their expression of feelings. Empathizing with their feelings (without giving into demands) helped them to feel understood and generally shortened the length of the tantrum.

Whatever you do, don't give in to his demands when he tantrums. Be compassionate and understanding, but stick to your guns and don't teach him to throw fits as a way to get things. You can do both at once. You don't have to be mean or walk away.

Remind yourself that the qualities that make him a challenging 2 yo. are the same qualities that will help him to grow into maturity. Instead of calling him stubborn, call him "tenacious." He will apply himself to things that are important to him throughout his life. His willfullness will be a great strength with time and maturity.

 

[TCapp]

My middle child (son) will be two in May. He's having issues as well. I think part of it is because he has a new baby brother "stealing" Mama, but also because it's part and parcel to being two.

I'm sure he gets upset for more than one reason. But one of the reasons I can think of is that he has a big vocabulary, in terms of the words he understands. But he has a tiny vocabulary in terms of what he can say. He gets frustrated becasue he cannot make himself understood.

He also gets frustrated when he is denied something he wants (who can blame him?)

As how to handle it, I really don't know. When my eldest was two, I was frazzled, my eyes glazed over with fatigue and frustration, and I basically withdrew. I, too, was wondering how to best handle it. I guess what I finally did was put her in bed. Isolate her. Deprive her of an audience. Let her know the that tantrum wasn't going to accomplish anything good for her. (Plus, it allows me to cool off, too). When she's done, she can come back out, and life goes on.

I don't really remember how successful it was (and is), but it is something we try, anyhow.

 

[E-beth]

My son is also almost two and he is so so SO stubborn. He gets that from his daddy. And he is smart. He gets that from me!

If I tell my son, "Don't touch X!" He will look at me and touch X. If I go to take X out of his hands, he will hold it as strong as he can and yell. Then when I get X away, he throws himself on the ground and wails, sometimes thumping his head. Granted, I only go to such extremes when X is something dangerous, like something with a jagged edge.

I am finding that re-directing works really well. Like if he is throwing a fit over not being able to carry around the cat pan scooper, I will sit on the floor next to him having his fit and will get out his special paper and markers and will begin to color. He will snap out of it in a hurry.

When he is REALLY going to town and I feel my patience getting thin, I do exactly what he is doing...mimicing him in voice and motion. That usually gets both of us laughing.

What I can't seem to handle well is when he throws his fits in public. I always feel like the worst parent for having a kid lying in a parking lot crying because I made him put down the dirty tissue he found.

 

[tonya]

PRAISE GOD I AM NOT ALONE...MY CHILD IS 21 MONTHS OLD AND WOW DOES SHE SOUND JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN MENTIONED..SHE IS SMART AND UNDERSTANDS LOTS BUT SHE IS NOT ABLE TO VERBALIZE AS MUCH AS SHE UNDERSTANDS...WHEN SHE THROWS A TANTRUM...I REDIRECT THE BEHAVIOR WHICH HELPS AT TIMES...SOMETIMES I WALK OFF AIGNORE THE BEHAVIOR AND SO SHE DOES NOT HAVE AN AUDIENCE AND A COUPLA TIMES A SWATTED HER LITTLE DIAPERED HINY WITH THE FLY SWAT...

 

[94SupraTT]

Thanks for all the good replies. It has given me more ideas on how to deal with him and cope.

 

[BeanMak]

LOL.. oh to have a 2 year old again
just keep in mind, the 16 year old is no different, only bigger.

 

[Crofter]

When your toddlers are much older you will look at children this age and realise they are very very very young.... and often the situations we take them into are very stressful and ask for so much endurance from these littleguys that they just have to throw themselves on the floor and let it all out!

Yep... distraction and not over racting... and in public... just accept that they are better at this game that we parents are! lol! THey just know the looks you get from other shopper is going to make you squirm more that their screams! lol!


One time my daughter was almost three and we were in a toy shop in the USA... it was time to leave so she started to scream! As we reached the door she screamed 'let me go... you arn't my mummy!' lol! The attendants were onto me in a rush! lol! My kid won... they wouldn't let us leave the toy shop! lol! My toddler was a pro!

lol... you have to laugh!

 

[HeatherJay]

When your toddlers are much older you will look at children this age and realise they are very very very young.... and often the situations we take them into are very stressful and ask for so much endurance from these littleguys that they just have to throw themselves on the floor and let it all out!

Yep... distraction and not over racting... and in public... just accept that they are better at this game that we parents are! lol! THey just know the looks you get from other shopper is going to make you squirm more that their screams! lol!


One time my daughter was almost three and we were in a toy shop in the USA... it was time to leave so she started to scream! As we reached the door she screamed 'let me go... you arn't my mummy!' lol! The attendants were onto me in a rush! lol! My kid won... they wouldn't let us leave the toy shop! lol! My toddler was a pro!

lol... you have to laugh!

Oh! Your poor girl! LOL, it's probably much funnier looking back on that experience than it was at the time. LOL, that's hilarious.

Love, Heather

 

[BeanMak]

Crofter, you have said a VERY profound sentence!

When your toddlers are much older you will look at children this age and realise they are very very very young

When I was in the middle of 2's, or 5's etc I always expected sooooo much out of them. Moms out there, I have a virtual hug for all of you. A wise woman told me that kids grow up because of or in spite of you. I know you all try your best. The best advice I can offer, is remember who is the grown-up, and keep a sense of humor.

 

[Evening Mist]

That is a profound and *true* sentiment. I remember having such HIGH expectations of my first child, probably connected to so many anxieties about how he would turn out. But then with my 2nd child, I had a better concept of the fact that the difficult phases *do* pass. I've been able to be so much more relaxed with him.

 

[Sonifo]

I am a mother of 4 and I have had my fair share of fits.

A child doesn't know how to show his/her feelings at that age so they do what they know best and that is throw a fit so everyone knows he/she is mad. We need to help them express themselves in a respectful manor. That is hard to do.


Make sure they know you mean business. If you tell them not to do something and they do it again, they should be punished. Not a spanken but set on a special chair that is used only for time out. If they get up, you need to be stern and have them sit back down. It will take awhile the first couple of times, but if you let them get up they will have won and will keep doing it. Don't let them win!!! Have them sit there for 1 minute and as they get older the time goes up. The best way to time it is have a timer right there so they can see when the time is up. When it is time to get up, set them down on your lap and talk with them. Tell them why they had to sit in the chair and if they do it again they will have to sit again.

This really works if you don't give in and let them win.

I have a 2 year old right now that is a little stinker, but she is just expressing her feelings. I am helping her express her feelings in a more respectful manor to her siblings. She is doing pretty good, but has her moments and knows that when she is out of line she is in big trouble and immediatly says sorry.

Hope this helps.

 

[Sonifo]

LOL.. oh to have a 2 year old again
just keep in mind, the 16 year old is no different, only bigger.

Ain't this the truth. LOL

 

[Jinnapiban]

Wow 94SupraTT, you have received some awesome advice!!!

I wanted to add couple of thoughts....

consistency (which is really hard) and distraction are what worked best for me. I became a single mom when my girls were 1 & 3... it was a good thing I was too stupid to know what I was in for! We did alot of singing & playing after I got home from work.... then I collapsed! Get plenty of rest!!!!

Changing the subject or their focus works wonders.... and preserves your sanity. Also the advice about remembering just how little they are is very important... they are not against you personally, they are just trying to push all the boundaries to find out how things are. Believe me, from my own experience as a child, they want boundaries. Boundaries make children feel secure and loved.

God bless & remember, this too shall pass!

 

[94SupraTT]

I am a mother of 4 and I have had my fair share of fits.

A child doesn't know how to show his/her feelings at that age so they do what they know best and that is throw a fit so everyone knows he/she is mad. We need to help them express themselves in a respectful manor. That is hard to do.


Make sure they know you mean business. If you tell them not to do something and they do it again, they should be punished. Not a spanken but set on a special chair that is used only for time out. If they get up, you need to be stern and have them sit back down. It will take awhile the first couple of times, but if you let them get up they will have won and will keep doing it. Don't let them win!!! Have them sit there for 1 minute and as they get older the time goes up. The best way to time it is have a timer right there so they can see when the time is up. When it is time to get up, set them down on your lap and talk with them. Tell them why they had to sit in the chair and if they do it again they will have to sit again.

This really works if you don't give in and let them win.

I have a 2 year old right now that is a little stinker, but she is just expressing her feelings. I am helping her express her feelings in a more respectful manor to her siblings. She is doing pretty good, but has her moments and knows that when she is out of line she is in big trouble and immediatly says sorry.

Hope this helps.

Time out in a chair sounds like a good idea however my son will get up and/or throw a fit in the chair. I have been putting him in his room with the gate up for a few minutes sometimes when he throws fits. When he calms down he seems to behave better.

 

[Blessed75]

My son started early as far as terrible twos goes. He is a year and a half and throws fits with the best of them. My wife thinks I'm too easy on him. For the most part he is good however when he is bad. HE IS BAD. You can tell he is thinking up things because he will get a look in his eyes and do something he is not suppose to do. Also if he is doing something he is not supposed to do and I walk up on him he will look at me and take off running because he knows he is caught. I think his biggest issue is his is stubborn. When he wants something his way its his way or no way. He is such a smart kid. I am amazed at the things he does. Also if you stop him from doing something he gets mad at says a phrase in baby talk. Me and my wife say he is fussing us out. Its the same phrase everytime and he body language shows how mad he is. He usually also goes and hits something when he is fussing at us. Help.

Man, do I feel for you - know you're not alone. I have a two year old and a 6 month old. My son who is two started at about that age as well - oh, he's just gettin' warmed up! My son LOVES to test me. I'm firm with him - but my husband is more easy going. We have had LOTS of discussions b/c imo - both parents have to be CONSISTENT so the litte stinker KNOWS he can't get away with it. As far as the tantrums go, I let him throw them, as long as he's know throwing things at people or hitting me etc. I want him to know it's okay to express how he feels. I just let him know I know he's torked and then I ignore. With my son, the tantrum doesn't last as long if I ignore b/c he doesn't have an audience. Anyway, God Bless you b/c I know what you're going through. Hang in there hon

 

[94SupraTT]

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I've been trying time out more and I think it has helped. Honestly I really need to be more consistent. Its so hard though. Anyways here are some pics of my lil one.

Him in action....

 

[Naveh Vine]

I have three sons. They are 5, 3 and 2. My 3 and 2 year olds are really giving me a difficult time. Both of them are very defiant and scream and fight over toys, make terrible messes and break and destroy things just about all day. Their screaming is so loud and shrill it makes me cry just to hear it day in and day out. They wake up from 5:45 to 6:30am everyday, so the stressful routine starts very early.

I’m also having a hard time dealing with their potty training issues. My three year old has no desire to get potty trained. He’ll walk around in a soaked diaper and could care less. The thing is, he’s so big, and his diapers are so hard to change. He looks like a five year old (He even weighs more than my five year old). He’s busting out of the largest diapers. If he’s not potty trained soon, we’ll have to buy depends for him! My two year old doesn’t like diapers anymore, but he won’t use the potty either. Instead, he constantly takes his diapers off and does his business all over the carpets. He won’t stop doing this, no matter how much I make him sit on the potty.

The only thing that keeps me going through this very stressful time is my five year old. There was a time when he was a terror. He has finally become a little gentleman.

 

[94SupraTT]

I have three sons. They are 5, 3 and 2. My 3 and 2 year olds are really giving me a difficult time. Both of them are very defiant and scream and fight over toys, make terrible messes and break and destroy things just about all day. Their screaming is so loud and shrill it makes me cry just to hear it day in and day out. They wake up from 5:45 to 6:30am everyday, so the stressful routine starts very early.

I’m also having a hard time dealing with their potty training issues. My three year old has no desire to get potty trained. He’ll walk around in a soaked diaper and could care less. The thing is, he’s so big, and his diapers are so hard to change. He looks like a five year old (He even weighs more than my five year old). He’s busting out of the largest diapers. If he’s not potty trained soon, we’ll have to buy depends for him! My two year old doesn’t like diapers anymore, but he won’t use the potty either. Instead, he constantly takes his diapers off and does his business all over the carpets. He won’t stop doing this, no matter how much I make him sit on the potty.

The only thing that keeps me going through this very stressful time is my five year old. There was a time when he was a terror. He has finally become a little gentleman.

Wow. Mine likes to take his diaper off but thats about it. I think he likes to be free.