Okay, here is my story. I came from a poor, dysfunctional family, never really had the option of dating (no money, no car). When I finally did find a girl when I was in my early-to-mid 20's, she was like me, from a poor, dysfunctional family, but the differences ended there. She had been sexually abused (horribly raped repeatedly) during her childhood. She had blocked most of it out of her memory, and though she thought she could marry and have a normal life, the day we married she changed. She went from this girl everyone else thought was so sweet, into a hateful you-know-what in private. All her years of abuse and pent up rage became directed at me. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I could not live that way. I was at a total loss. I was not allowed to touch her, and she refused even casual hugs (which she had allowed publicly before). I was living with a girl who hated me more than anyone alive. (And yes, I knew that she was not to blame, and the fault was some other man's, yet I was the target of her hatred, and I was paying for his sin debt - a debt I could not bear.) I got her to go to counselling at the church we went to. The associate pastor who had done sexual abuse counselling for about 20 years said she was the worst case he had ever come across. Another counselor said pretty much the same thing - no hope. To make a long story short, I remember the day God told me to get out of the marriage, just to save my own life. (One or both of us were likely to kill or be killed by the other if things went on much longer. I had come to hate being around her, and I would not turn my back on her at times for fear of what she might do. I had seen the rage in her eyes while she was holding a kitchen knife once, and that was enough.)
Anyway, after I divorced her I went through a much-needed time of healing. But I was now considered 'tainted' by the church I went to - even though one of the pastors there told me that I had endured much more than any of the pastors there would have ever put up with. To me when you got married, it was like opening a Christmas present, you didn't know exactly what you would get, but it was suppose to be something special. In my case, however, it was like opening the box and finding out that your present had been completely smashed by someone else, and then on top of that, everyone else around you who had opened a nice present told you that you had to keep your worthless present and could not trade it in, even though it was totally dysfunctional and useless. All this coming from people who had not a clue what I was living through.
Anyway, I say all this to say that this experience changed me in ways few will ever understand. Though I wanted to have a wife (a true wife), I knew that I needed time to heal. And I reset my bar for marriage; I no longer wanted a pretty girl like the first one, I just asked God to send me someone who didn't hate me. That was my only request of God, "God I do not want to be hated". (A lot of people really need to think about what I just said.) If she loved me, that was the main thing, she did not have to be a beauty queen. And you know, God eventually gave me the most beautiful (to me) loving wife that I could have ever hoped for. So set your bar on a woman who loves you and whom you can love - and who loves God like you do. A lot of other things, like beauty or wealth will not matter in the long run.
As a note: I do pray occasionally for this girl from 30+ years ago. She had more problems than either of us could deal with, and I have asked God to have a special level of grace for her - and not so much for the jerk who did things to her. There is more to the story, but I will stop here. Just be patient, and when you are not looking, God will answer.
