3 weeks separated and living in silence...

[presto]

You make a lot of assumptions and are giving the dh a lot of credit without knowing him. I sincerely doubt the kids are not suffering-it goes way beyond money. Kids shouldn't even be aware of the money issues unless there needs to be some kind of explanation why a reasonable item or activity can't be accomodated and even then there shouldn't be blame directed at either parent in the presence of kids.

A man who is throwing away his marriage is not showing good thinking so it would be wise for the OP to protect herself and the kids' interest by getting some financial protection through court orders. This goes both ways since my fiance was taken to the cleaners twice by his ex-wife. It's nice if everyone adheres to the rules of fair play, but when it comes to these type of issues there are far too many true stories of dishonesty and evilness to ignore.

And assuming that the man is leaving because the op isn't doing her job as the wife is mean and presumptive. Usually there is going to be some fault on both sides, but cheating is never justified and leaving shouldn't be happening just because one isn't feeling fulfilled. Neglect and bad habits don't just happen overnight and both parties need to be adults and work on it, not run away with the stupid fantasy that the next relationship will always be magical and never need to be worked on. Gag me.

Either there are some serious underlying issues on her part that we are still unaware of or he is a complete idiot. There are alot of dumb people out there so its not impossible that he just randomly decided to act out like this but we can not dismiss the fact that there are some serious issues on her part that she is not telling us. Im sorry if it sounds mean but thats life.

 

[savitri]

underlying issues on my part???? Yes, I missed him when he left and I told him that...he never wanted to support me emotionally on that part. I became jealous when I knew he was "wandering" far from his morals and starting inappropriate relationships. The further he drifted the more jealous I got. Yes this may have pushed him to make bad decisions but seriously......he is a grown man and the choices he makes are not up to me. Other than that....I really don't know what kind of issues you are looking for me to spill. Last year is when I found out about his first affair.....I think now I handled it wrong.....I was supportive and took the "we can get through this attitude". He played along but a year later he left me anyway. Any other underlying issues are a secret to me as I have pointed out a number of times.....he will not talk....any questions I ask are answered with silence. I am not a perfect wife....no woman is....but that is no excuse for a man to walk out on his wife and kids. He is choosing to live a juvenille lifestyle and has no intention of stopping. Spouses have two choices when things get bad, stale, outdated or difficult in a relationship...to walk away or to stay and work it out. My husband took the easy way out now I am forced to live a life I didn't sign up for. You know I think every spouse whether they like to admit it or not has lustful thoughts or steps over the moral boundaries at some point in the marriage. What makes the difference is how one choses to react to those thoughts.

 

[presto]

That is really unfortunate that he is behaving like this when he had a wife at home that was willing to take care of him in every way. What often times happens is the wife turns into a prude and it pushs the husband out the door, im guessing that is not what is happening here so there is no reason for him to be acting like this.

 

[savitri]

are you trying to be "smart"?

 

[ido]

savitri - PLEASE ignore presto. It's not worth the effort to respond to him. He just likes to push buttons and get people going.

 

[savitri]

clearly....

 

[presto]

im just being real

 

[savitri]

ok presto....just keep it real with the answer to this please.....
my husband has this weekend off. He has not seen his two girls in 19 days. Instead of coming home friday night like he would ususally do he has told me he will be home Saturday morning. I asked him why not Friday night he said he has to take his trailer (where he lives while working) to the next town. He would normally just bring his trailer with him. The point of all this is he is going to drive an extra 3.5 hours just to come home Saturday instead of Friday. Please don't say oh it must be underlying issues with me.....I offered to leave Friday night so he can just spend time with the girls. Do I push the issue and ask why he would drive an extra 3.5 hours just to spend LESS time with his kids or just say nothing and let him come and go as he pleases.....

 

[ido]

my husband has this weekend off. He has not seen his two girls in 19 days. Instead of coming home friday night like he would ususally do he has told me he will be home Saturday morning. I asked him why not Friday night he said he has to take his trailer (where he lives while working) to the next town. He would normally just bring his trailer with him. The point of all this is he is going to drive an extra 3.5 hours just to come home Saturday instead of Friday. Please don't say oh it must be underlying issues with me.....I offered to leave Friday night so he can just spend time with the girls. Do I push the issue and ask why he would drive an extra 3.5 hours just to spend LESS time with his kids or just say nothing and let him come and go as he pleases.....

Would it make a difference to know his reasons for waiting until Saturday morning? Especially if the reason includes one of his younger female companions? It would only hurt you and it wouldn't be something you could/should tell your girls. Know what I mean?

If they ask why their dad isn't coming home Friday night, be honest and tell them you don't know. Your role now is to shield them from their father's behavior as much as possible without making excuses for him. If they are upset that he isn't coming home Friday night, make it a special night - like a movie and popcorn night with pillows and blankets on the floor. It won't make up for their dad's absence, but it will provide them with the love and attention of their mom (I'm sure you give them plenty already - but extra never hurts!) and hopefully take their mind off of their dad's absence a bit.

Hang in there - you can get through this.

 

[savitri]

I agree with you it just hurts so much to be continually lied to, cheated on and used. I get so frustrated with the fact I have to pick up the pieces with the girls because he is so busy living a life without them. I pray and pray for the hurt to stop and it won't.....I just feel like I am missing something God is trying to show me and at the moment I can't stop crying.....

My husband is off for a month over Christmas....my girls are 5 and 3 they will be see no love and affection between him and I .....how do I shield them from that when we will all be in the same house....

 

[savitri]

p.s what is a recovery team moderator?

 

[ido]

I understand your pain and frustration all too well. You are the only one who can decide how long you will tolerate the cheating/lying/absenteeism. I dealt with cheating/lying/abusiveness and finally reached a point where I realized I was doing more harm than good to myself and my sons by trying to hold together a marriage that my ex simply did not care about saving. It was a painful realization, but a few things got me through it:

-Support of family and friends
-Prayer (and specifically meditating on Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.")
-Daily email devotionals from DivorceCare (www.divorcecare.org) - they have local support groups, too.
-Focusing on not getting stuck in the crossroads. In other words, I accepted that a life-changing event was taking place even if I did not want it and prayed that God would move me forward and guide me to where He wanted me to be instead of letting me get stuck in the grief and healing process.

It wasn't easy - and I honestly still deal with my ex-husband's shennanigans on a regular basis b/c of how he treats our boys and the abusive nonsense he still spews at me. But, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

As for my boys, I tell them the truth in love. I try to shield them from their dad's selfishness and insensitivity as much as possible...and trust me, I have plenty of stories of excuses he has made about his absence, lack of provision, or excuses about why he doesn't do things for them (which is always my fault). I just do my best to show them I love them and that I will be a constant presence in their life and when they look back, they'll remember Mom being the one to be there for them. To me, that's what matters. What kind of father their dad chooses to be is totally up to him, even if he wants to "blame" me for his downfalls. They will eventually see through his lies on their own - it's up to them to figure that relationship out...but it's up to me to be there to help pick up the pieces and move them forward when he lets them down or disappoints them.

****

Recovery team moderator - I am a volunteer staff member (moderator) here on CF and the area of the board that I cover is the Recovery forum.

 

[CentexMom]

Has anyone else went through this silence stage???

I have savitri. My husband is scheduled to move out on 12/1. Right now it's just silence with a few sporadic texting wars every couple of days (about the only way we can communicate any more).

For me, the silence simply says, "We're done. We've tried everything. There's nothing more we can say except who gets the CD collection and bedroom furniture. It will be a long three weeks here. But I'm looking forward to the painfully awkward silence going away after he moves out.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I agree with you it just hurts so much to be continually lied to, cheated on and used. I get so frustrated with the fact I have to pick up the pieces with the girls because he is so busy living a life without them. I pray and pray for the hurt to stop and it won't.....I just feel like I am missing something God is trying to show me and at the moment I can't stop crying.....

My husband is off for a month over Christmas....my girls are 5 and 3 they will be see no love and affection between him and I .....how do I shield them from that when we will all be in the same house....

Be nice to him and schedule time out for you to go with friends. Have a life for yourself and enjoy it, as much as you can. Love your children and be nice to him but don't let him touch you.

For him to want you you have to have a life of your own other than waiting on what he does and asking about his life. Its like how guys are told to romance their wives when their wives get prudish. Women have to seduce their men when men lose interest. You don't have to go to the extremes Cleopatra did to seduce Caesar but I'm sure there are some clothing/make up choices you can make. Do things like not be home when he gets home etc... Build a mystery.

 

[CentexMom]

As for my boys, I tell them the truth in love. I try to shield them from their dad's selfishness and insensitivity as much as possible...and trust me, I have plenty of stories of excuses he has made about his absence, lack of provision, or excuses about why he doesn't do things for them (which is always my fault). I just do my best to show them I love them and that I will be a constant presence in their life and when they look back, they'll remember Mom being the one to be there for them. To me, that's what matters. What kind of father their dad chooses to be is totally up to him, even if he wants to "blame" me for his downfalls. They will eventually see through his lies on their own - it's up to them to figure that relationship out...but it's up to me to be there to help pick up the pieces and move them forward when he lets them down or disappoints them.

Great advice flnativegrl. It's clear God has given you much grace and wisdom in your circumstances and is using you to light the way for others who have similar struggles. Thank you for sharing how God has grown you through a very painful situation.

 

[savitri]

He came home on Saturday and agreed to come trick or treating with the girls. Long story short, one of my friends husbands (who knows the situation) gave my husband the cold shoulder. I was upset by it as I did not think it was appropriate. Then I went into my friends house to get a coffee for both of us....when I came out, he was gone. He was angry that he got the cold shoulder from one of my friends and then he was left standing outside alone. I had to finish the rest of the evening by myself with two little girls saying...where is my daddy??? I came home and he was here angry at me. I explained I was waiting to get him a coffee and did not intentionally leave him outside. I can not make any excuses for the friend that gave him the cold shoulder....I wish that did not happen. However, my husband was far from his friendly self either. my husband literally left the three of us standing in the dark. After we got home, he left to drive 3 hours back to his work....he did not even say goodbye to our 3 year old. He says he left because he feels he does not belong here ......I am so confused as this is what he wanted....to not be here....for the last year he has pointed out to me that we have separate lives and for me to stop trying to be apart of his life at work.....and for me to get my own life......This was the first weekend he saw that I to have a life, and friends that support me.....he got upset and angry he left a day earlier than he had to.....I am so upset, hurt, guilty, angry....I try to believe God had a hand in all that transpired but it ended up so terribly......sigh....

 

[ido]

God does have a hand on your situation, savitri. But, unfortunately, that doesn't mean that your husband is following God's will. I'm sorry that Halloween was such a frustrating experience for you and the girls. Your husband reacted poorly and the girls are the ones that suffer b/c of it. It's a shame that he cannot see that.

Still praying for you. Please try to let go of the guilt.

 

[JohnDB]

This thread caught my eye...

It is the roar of the silence that is deafening at times. I hated it always with a passion when I was single. I hated Sunday afternoons the worst. That was usually the day I tried to get an afternoon nap...and my son and ex wife would make some attempt at being quiet in order for me to get one. But I could always hear them anyway.

Then when I was single and it wasn't my weekend with my son...I hated the real silence that existed and couldn't sleep for it. I loved the weekends with my son. Only a couple of times would either of us doze off on a sunday afternoon over the years. The other watching carefully and attentively over the other one. Goofy I know...it is just what is.

I tell my current wife about her snoring...she whines about the time I was sick and coughing. She doesn't really understand that I don't care about her snores...they aren't loud at all...they really are just sleep sounds. I won't tell her that I secrectly love hearing them...they silence that roar of silence here and I love the quiet.

 

[Autumnleaf]

'Why did you have to be a heart breaker, when I was being what you want me to be...'

 

[savitri]

so.......since my last post the silence has been broken to some degree. He picked afight two weeks ago about how I wasn't trying anymore and why should he bother if I don't try. I pointed out to him that he discarded me and didn't want me in his life. My withdrawal was simply me trying to deal with the fact my husband didn't want me anymore. Since that fight he has been trying to be my friend.

I told him two days ago that I did not take our separation in September lightly and asked what his plans were for us. He responded that his plan is to be friends first, then figure the rest out. Knowing my husband...this is his way of still being able to come home at his leisure and not have the "husband" responsiblities. For the past 4 weekends he has not worked but only come home when convenient for him....he has chosen to stay at his place when he could have been here When I question him on why he is not coming home, he just says he has stuff to do. Do I think there is someone else? not really.... I believe more he would rather just sit alone than have to come home and feel stress.

Any advice on how to handle this? If I say I can't be his friend....our communication is done again. Being friends with him makes me feel like he has gotten off the hook in some way...... I really don't know.....comments PLEASE..