20 years in the wilderness

[paintedgoldfish]

20 years ago I was a Christian and decided to run away from God as fast as I could.
I have been homeless,
I had lost my children,
I was the victim of domestic violence
I spat on God in every way I knew how.

Illness on top of illness, from thyroid to Manic depression. I have ended up taking 20 different meds each morning and evening. And yet, even then my symptoms have only been mildly reduced.

I have been living far below the poverty line making nine thousand dollars a year on disability. My son knows that he can't have those high school memories in the form of a year book or a letterman jacket. He knows we can't afford it.

I have been angery and distrustful of God and of religion.

I came back to God two days ago.
It is hard to even say the words, "I believe in God" , I have been an Atheist all these years. I have cursed God at every chance that came and meant it with all my heart.
I am trying to take in and to adjust to my new way of thinking. I have to face all those people who know of my hatred and confess my new heart.
I still don't know about tomorrow, I only know that something is different. something inside me is different.

 

[Merlin Athrawes]

Hi pgf and welcome. I'm glad that you were able to return to God and I'm certain He is too. Your story is very moving, and I suspect many people can identify at least in part with it. I am concerned abou two things: 1) Are you in a church where the people actually empathize with what you have gone through? "No" church imo is better than untrustworthy churches, but if you can find a trustworthy church it can be of immense help as you try to rebuild your life. 2) Is there a particular thing or things that drove you away from God in the first place? Often when trauma happens in our lives we ask why God didn't stop it and that sometimes alienates us from God. Again, welcome. I'm not a regular here anymore but I'll be glad to help you as best as I can.

 

[paintedgoldfish]

I am not in a church but the people close to me who are believers are working on that issue for me.
I do have a big issue in that I am in a loving Gay relationship and I have no plans on changing that aspect of my life. I know that some churches are more open then others and my Partner is asking to go to church with me. I will never hurt her as it will destroy her spirit. I need to find a church where judjment is withheld.

 

[AlexBP]

Hi paintedgoldfish. What a moving story you have to tell; thank you for sharing. I was raised in an atheist household and I rejected God and hated Christianity for many years. Eventually, when I was at the end of my rope, Jesus found me and brought me into His embrace. Ever since then I've understood the three parables in chapter 15 of Luke.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

1 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. 2 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

The Parable of the Lost Coin

8 “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins[a] and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ 31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Lastly I would suggest trying your local Episcopal Church if you are still searching for a welcoming church family; I know that many gay and lesbian Christians have found a home there. Good luck! I will be praying for you.

 

[paintedgoldfish]

Thank you very much your post was very kind. I just told my partner last night about my decision to come back to God and she wants to come to church with me.

 

[rayodeluz]

Thank you very much your post was very kind. I just told my partner last night about my decision to come back to God and she wants to come to church with me.

It sounds like a Metropolitan Community Church would be a good option for you. Also, many United Church of Christ congregations would be a good choice. And welcome to the boards.

 

[lismore]

Hi paintedgoldfish

Welcome!

Thanks for sharing your story, it took a lot of courage and was very moving.

I would repeat some of the advice above. If you can find a stable church with loving people who love the Lord then it would be good for you!

From the bible passages shared above you can see that God is happy to have you back too.

P.S I also like your eagle avatar

 

[lismore]

Hi paintedgoldfish. What a moving story you have to tell; thank you for sharing. I was raised in an atheist household and I rejected God and hated Christianity for many years. Eventually, when I was at the end of my rope, Jesus found me and brought me into His embrace. Ever since then I've understood the three parables in chapter 15 of Luke.

They are some of my favorite passages in the bible. Thanks for sharing

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

Welcome back, pgf!

Here's a song for you:

YouTube - Tenth Avenue North - You Are More

 

[paintedgoldfish]

I love the songs Izdaari, thank you for them.

 

[Evenstar253]

I also would recommend checking out the UCC I'm straight but feel strongly about LGBT issues and would not want to be part of a church where certain people are excluded.

 

[lucaspa]

I need to find a church where judjment is withheld.

There are several United Methodist and Episcopalian congregations that will not only accept you, but welcome you. Officially UMC congregations must not judge (there is a resolution from the General Assembly welcoming gays and trashing sexism), but I in honesty I suspect there are a few individual congregations (particularly in the Bible Belt) who might.

 

[lucaspa]

I came back to God two days ago.
... I am trying to take in and to adjust to my new way of thinking. .... I I only know that something is different. something inside me is different.

Out of curiosity, what is different? What happened to change your mind?

 

[paintedgoldfish]

Lucaspa

Thank you for the information.

As far as what is different... I can only say that my thinking has changed in a very rapid and unexpected way. I have been so very angery at God and took every opportunity to let people know it. I could not see any kindess in Him nor could I forgive Him for my life and my illness.
When I first turned away from God I attempted to do anything and everything that I could think of that would make Him mad and send me to Hell, where I was sure I would be happier.
I have been in a deep depression that has lasted many months and in my attempt to yell at God some more, I ended up meeting a couple of Christians on line that were willing to talk to me and who could see beyond my anger. They have been unlike any of my pre conceptions of Christians and I have never felt judged or put down by them. I really saw something in them that I hadn't truely seen in others, compassion and empathy have been their only attitude towards me.
I have been feeling that something inside of me was changing. I have found a willingness to listen in a way that I hadn't in a long time. The other night, one of my new friends prayed with me to accept God back into my life.
At first I could not believe that I had actually prayed, that I had turned towards God and asked for forgiveness and for His help. I think I am still processing my new thoughts and my new heart. It feels surreal. But I do feel different, maybe it is the thought of having hope for the first time in so many years. I don't know.
My thought processess are different and I don't feel as much anger as I did just a few short days ago.
I have just begun on a new journey and I don't know where it will lead me, but I know it is a new path and I am willing to let God lead me on it. What is different is that I feel different.
It is actually a little scary. I have spent years building walls that are now being taken down. I feel a little exposed, but I am willing to see what will come of it.

 

[lucaspa]

They have been unlike any of my pre conceptions of Christians and I have never felt judged or put down by them. I really saw something in them that I hadn't truely seen in others, compassion and empathy have been their only attitude towards me. ...

My thought processess are different and I don't feel as much anger as I did just a few short days ago.

So you aren't blaming God anymore for all the bad things that happened in your life?

Let me suggest that the Christians have been behaving like God does. God is not directly responsible for what happened to you. He's not directly responsible for your illness, or your poverty, or any of that. It's not His job to make everything nicey-nice for us.

Instead, God has always been there waiting to provide what comfort, support, strength, and advice He could. But you have been so busy blaming Him for everything you couldn't let Him do what He does.

I have just begun on a new journey and I don't know where it will lead me, but I know it is a new path and I am willing to let God lead me on it.

I am interested: how do you think God is going to accomplish this "leading"? Is He going to write messages in the sky? Come with a booming voice like thunder? What?

I have spent years building walls that are now being taken down. I feel a little exposed, but I am willing to see what will come of it.

How many of those walls is your girlfriend helping to tear down?

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I love the songs Izdaari, thank you for them.

Glad you like it! That's one of my favorite Christian bands. Here's two more by them:

YouTube - By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North (Full Song & Lyrics)

YouTube - Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North - w/lyrics

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I think you might like this too. It's not a song, but a short talk about the nature of our relationship with God. I find it pretty moving.

YouTube - Rain - Rob Bell

 

[paintedgoldfish]

Thank you so much. I am having such a hard time, your videos are like little gifts.

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

Good, glad I could help!

Now, let's change it up a little, not a different message, but a different style:

YouTube - Lecrae (Praying For You)

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

And now, Kirk Franklin... with penguins!

YouTube - Stomp Lyrics w/ Happy Feet Clips