14yr Old Daughter Rebelling

[Swimma26]

Hello all,

My friend's step-daughter has been a real challenge for him and it all culminated in something pretty bad last night. She has been caught in the past sexting with other boys and she has gained the attention of some older boys because she is more developed for her age. In the past she has had her phone and internet privileges taken away from her.

Last night she was caught sexting again and when my friend went through her phone he found out earlier in the evening she had snuck an 18yr old HS senior into the house and had sex in the basement. He is contacting the boy's parents as well as taking away her internet and phone for good. They are also moving her bedroom to the room adjacent his and his wife's and removing the door to prevent anyone from being able to sneak around into the room.

All that is well and good but it doesn't help with the root of the problem which is she feels she can just do this sort of stuff and it's normal and there is no value to the acts she is performing.

He confided in me as I have a strong Christian background and really value sexuality as a gift you give to someone you truly love. I'm not sure how to help him with instilling such values to his step-daughter. They aren't a highly religious family so I'm not sure church and church group may work like it did for me.

What can I do and what advice can I give to help them in their time of need. I feel it is a key moment where if they don't progress down the right path that things will go from bad to worse and they may lose their daughter.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

What kind of morals do they want her to model? What kind of morals has she seen in her home? If there aren't absolute morals then it is just a rule or opinion they are asking her to adhere to.

I agree with taking away her internet and safeguarding her by moving her bedroom closer, but what happens when she is 18? Why is it important to them that she doesn't have sex? If they don't believe or obey God, they can't expect her to either. She should obey the rules of the house or have consequences, but kids don't like hypocrisy. If they can't explain why it is wrong, they have a difficult road. If you can use this line of thinking as a witnessing tool to them, I pray you will.

If things get real bad they may want to think about moving her to an all girl school or a boarding school until she gets some common sense.

 

[bigvman]

This is hard but I agree with the response above. If your friend is not live a life based on Jesus it's not going to work trying to impose rules on to a child, especially a step-daughter.

A friend of mine has been going through a very similar scenario with a step-daughter, and he's a very active church member. He has found that when he has burnt his bridges things haven't worked out too well. If he had his time again he would have been more forgiving and less judgemental. Now that his step-daughter is nearly 18 the realationship is pretty rickety.

A great example in scripture is the Father's response to the prodigal son. He let him go, but welcomed him back with open arms.

 

[BasedTonyEver]

Tell her to make sure to have safe sex if she's going to do it. You can't control your child's sex life even though you think you can, the best you can do is educate her to the facts and let her make her own decisions and live with the consequences.

To this day I don't understand people's hangup about sex, rumor has it we all have a natural urge do it but if someone is underage they are considered as "bad". Using the Bible as evidence will not convince a hormonally charged teenager to not have sex, sorry but that just won't work in 2013.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Tell her to make sure to have safe sex if she's going to do it. You can't control your child's sex life even though you think you can, the best you can do is educate her to the facts and let her make her own decisions and live with the consequences.

To this day I don't understand people's hangup about sex, rumor has it we all have a natural urge do it but if someone is underage they are considered as "bad". Using the Bible as evidence will not convince a hormonally charged teenager to not have sex, sorry but that just won't work in 2013.

I don't expect you to understand this, but people who have truly taken Jesus as their Savior and turned from their sin do in fact want to be obedient to God and that includes staying abstinent outside of marriage. It's not about having a hang up about sex, it's about trusting in God.

 

[akmom]

I have no experience with parenting teens yet, so take this for what it is. But it seems that teens who are involved in wholesome activities are less inclined to indulge in base pleasures. It is what I noticed with my own family and peers back in our adolescent days, and there is some research supporting extracurricular activities' positive effect on student grades and behavior.

Perhaps it is time to get her involved in a sport or a youth program. It doesn't have to be church. If there is a wholesome group with a charismatic adult leader, who can pique kids' interests, then she might very well benefit from the positive peer pressure and opportunities. I wouldn't worry too much about finding that perfect fit in terms of a hobby. People are too quick to rule things out. Sometimes you just have to stick with something before you start to take a genuine interest.