Hi all, newcomer here.
bottom line - I have a problem with inappropriate content and masturbation.
This will be a long post, and I apologise in advance. I know someone has started a Male Accountability thread, and I've read through a lot of other threads concerning the same topic, but I strongly feel I need to start my own thread to tell my full story so others can relate, and also as a place of accountability where I can post my progress in the future. *Deep breath* here goes.
I am male, 21, raised as a Christian, and have been struggling with inappropriate content since I was 11. What I'm about to reveal I have never told anyone because a) I can't bear the thought of hurting my parents by telling them and b) I have never built up enough trust with my pastor to talk about this (will go into more detail about this soon). Even as I write this, I'm struggling with the temptation to delete every word and run away and forget I ever came here to open up at all.
It started when my brother first introduced me to masturbation when I was 10. Not knowing much about sex when I was that young, I quickly discovered how good it felt (although if memory serves, at that time I found the practice strange and didn't do it frequently). About a year later i stumbled across inappropriate content for the first time. It appeared as a pop-up page as I was searching through Google for something completed unrelated. I remember being shocked and a little repulsed, and not wholly comprehending what I was seeing. I immediately shut it down, but it wasn't until later that day when my thoughts wandered back to those images and I realised that I was getting turned on. I was around 11.
After that point I don't recall exactly how I began linking masturbation with inappropriate contentography, but I do remember that about a week after that first encounter, I deliberately went back and tried searching for that pop-up browser. Can't say if I found it, but I eventually started using inappropriate content to get off. Even though at that age I still didn't fully know what sex symbolised, I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong. But once I was hooked, I was hooked. It's as terrifying as any drug there ever was.
I was raised in the same Christian school throughout my adolescent and later teenage years, and it was in that Christian environment that I learned nearly all of my friends also viewed inappropriate contentography and masturbated habitually. I should have been horrified, and perhaps even sad, but instead I used that information to assuage my guilt that what I was doing was 'normal' and a 'natural phase' of being a teenager. I am ashamed to admit that in the years soon after I lost any sense of guilt or remorse associated with using inappropriate contentography to pleasure myself and even started lying to myself that it was 'good' and 'healthy' to touch often according to the numerous medical sites I visited. It didn't help that I also happened to discover that pretty much all my friends at my youth group at church (including my youth leader) also viewed inappropriate contentography (we were playing a game of I've-never-ever and the question was raised).
It wasn't any better after I graduated and went to college/university and started working. In fact, it got worse. In university, I found everyone was extremely liberal with their sexual expression, including their orientation, promiscuity, and kinks. At work, colleagues openly talked about strip clubs, group sex, and their inappropriate content collections.
One thing I am ashamed to reveal but am compelled to, is that although my usage of X-rated material started out with fairly 'regular' content, over the past 10 years (as the novelty of what I was watching began to wear off) I started searching for newer and newer types of material that would excite me. This quickly escalated into some of the most hardcore, degrading, and taboo content out there. I won't go into specifics for the sake of not triggering others struggling with the same problem, but suffice it to say I've watched an equal amount of all kinds of gender pairings and just about all the filthiest acts humans can perform on each other you can imagine. I am sitting at my computer typing this now, and I am not proud of any it. At all. In fact I am disgusted with myself because I know I could never feel a romantic attraction for any gender except females, and would never do any of these things I've seen in real life.
Several years ago it got to the point where I was using inappropriate content and masturbating several times a day, every single day. As much as I'd tried to shrug off my guilt, God amazingly refused to let my conscience be wholly destroyed, and once again showed me how deeply I was entrenched in sin. Around the same time (as a separate event in my life) I began to discover that the church I had been attending for many years had slowly but surely adopted a 'celebrity' culture where people were becoming pastors for the financial and social rewards, and socialising rather than Jesus was the main reason my friends attended service. It didn't sit right with me or my family, and we ended up leaving. This was the reason I've never felt close enough to my pastor to share with him my struggles. Currently, I've moved out of home now and am looking for a new church to attend. In the meantime, I pray and do my devotions daily.
About 2 years ago from now I had a major personal and spiritual crisis. Something unrelated to my sexual struggles happened to me that gave me deep depression, and as a result I was forced to REALLY examine ALL aspects of my relationship with God. I am a sinner in many, many ways, done many things that I despise, but my struggle with inappropriate contentography is undoubtedly the largest obstacle preventing me from being close to God. Today, I am still battling with the cause of the crisis from 2 years ago, but I have long since emerged knowing with full certainty where I want to be in my relationship with Christ. I no longer view my addiction as a manifestation of normal behaviour, nor do I try to justify it. I have a problem. I have confessed before the Lord, and I know with absolute certainty that I want to stop, but I need help.
At first I thought I could kick it on my own. I tried. During my crisis period I stopped masturbating and viewing inappropriate content cold turkey. I lasted for six months, then I caved. I thought I could get away with just one time... but that quickly spiraled out of control again. Since then, the past year has been one long, unending war. I have gone weeks at a time without succumbing, but then the temptation becomes too great and I spend the next fortnight going wild. It has been two days since my last 'reset'.
So that's it. That's my story. inappropriate contentography has not only consumed an entire half of my life, but has also stunted my relationship with the opposite sex. I know many atheist girls have no problem with their boyfriends using inappropriate content, but I know that's not what Christ wants for me, and I only want to date a fellow Christian. However I believe my guilt and remorse has subconsciously prevented me from encouraging any signs of interest from girls with whom I share a mutual attraction, because I can't help thinking that a man who has seen the things I have, and done the things I've done, is simply not good enough for them. I find I don't want to experience their hurt and rejection when they learn of my past, so i simply avoid relationships instead. It wouldn't surprise you to know that I've never had a girlfriend.
I want to change. I want to change so badly it hurts, and sometimes is all I can think about. It's not even for the sake of future relationships. I've given serious thought to the idea of being single for the rest of my life, and although it seems lonely, I believe I can bear it. I just know that after coming out from depression (and still sinking into it sometimes!) I am aware for the first time what my faith really means to me, and that I want to be a better man, period. I am working hard to change many of my other faults too; e.g. pride, impatience, etc. Jesus has told me he has forgiven all of my sins, but I'm fully conscious it doesn't come without effort on my part. No matter how many times I 'reset' and then fall again, I am determined to pick myself up and conquer this. So to everyone who has made it this far through my long-winded post, thank you for taking the time to read my story. This battle is mine to fight, but I am here, humbly, asking for your support.
bottom line - I have a problem with inappropriate content and masturbation.
This will be a long post, and I apologise in advance. I know someone has started a Male Accountability thread, and I've read through a lot of other threads concerning the same topic, but I strongly feel I need to start my own thread to tell my full story so others can relate, and also as a place of accountability where I can post my progress in the future. *Deep breath* here goes.
I am male, 21, raised as a Christian, and have been struggling with inappropriate content since I was 11. What I'm about to reveal I have never told anyone because a) I can't bear the thought of hurting my parents by telling them and b) I have never built up enough trust with my pastor to talk about this (will go into more detail about this soon). Even as I write this, I'm struggling with the temptation to delete every word and run away and forget I ever came here to open up at all.
It started when my brother first introduced me to masturbation when I was 10. Not knowing much about sex when I was that young, I quickly discovered how good it felt (although if memory serves, at that time I found the practice strange and didn't do it frequently). About a year later i stumbled across inappropriate content for the first time. It appeared as a pop-up page as I was searching through Google for something completed unrelated. I remember being shocked and a little repulsed, and not wholly comprehending what I was seeing. I immediately shut it down, but it wasn't until later that day when my thoughts wandered back to those images and I realised that I was getting turned on. I was around 11.
After that point I don't recall exactly how I began linking masturbation with inappropriate contentography, but I do remember that about a week after that first encounter, I deliberately went back and tried searching for that pop-up browser. Can't say if I found it, but I eventually started using inappropriate content to get off. Even though at that age I still didn't fully know what sex symbolised, I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong. But once I was hooked, I was hooked. It's as terrifying as any drug there ever was.
I was raised in the same Christian school throughout my adolescent and later teenage years, and it was in that Christian environment that I learned nearly all of my friends also viewed inappropriate contentography and masturbated habitually. I should have been horrified, and perhaps even sad, but instead I used that information to assuage my guilt that what I was doing was 'normal' and a 'natural phase' of being a teenager. I am ashamed to admit that in the years soon after I lost any sense of guilt or remorse associated with using inappropriate contentography to pleasure myself and even started lying to myself that it was 'good' and 'healthy' to touch often according to the numerous medical sites I visited. It didn't help that I also happened to discover that pretty much all my friends at my youth group at church (including my youth leader) also viewed inappropriate contentography (we were playing a game of I've-never-ever and the question was raised).
It wasn't any better after I graduated and went to college/university and started working. In fact, it got worse. In university, I found everyone was extremely liberal with their sexual expression, including their orientation, promiscuity, and kinks. At work, colleagues openly talked about strip clubs, group sex, and their inappropriate content collections.
One thing I am ashamed to reveal but am compelled to, is that although my usage of X-rated material started out with fairly 'regular' content, over the past 10 years (as the novelty of what I was watching began to wear off) I started searching for newer and newer types of material that would excite me. This quickly escalated into some of the most hardcore, degrading, and taboo content out there. I won't go into specifics for the sake of not triggering others struggling with the same problem, but suffice it to say I've watched an equal amount of all kinds of gender pairings and just about all the filthiest acts humans can perform on each other you can imagine. I am sitting at my computer typing this now, and I am not proud of any it. At all. In fact I am disgusted with myself because I know I could never feel a romantic attraction for any gender except females, and would never do any of these things I've seen in real life.
Several years ago it got to the point where I was using inappropriate content and masturbating several times a day, every single day. As much as I'd tried to shrug off my guilt, God amazingly refused to let my conscience be wholly destroyed, and once again showed me how deeply I was entrenched in sin. Around the same time (as a separate event in my life) I began to discover that the church I had been attending for many years had slowly but surely adopted a 'celebrity' culture where people were becoming pastors for the financial and social rewards, and socialising rather than Jesus was the main reason my friends attended service. It didn't sit right with me or my family, and we ended up leaving. This was the reason I've never felt close enough to my pastor to share with him my struggles. Currently, I've moved out of home now and am looking for a new church to attend. In the meantime, I pray and do my devotions daily.
About 2 years ago from now I had a major personal and spiritual crisis. Something unrelated to my sexual struggles happened to me that gave me deep depression, and as a result I was forced to REALLY examine ALL aspects of my relationship with God. I am a sinner in many, many ways, done many things that I despise, but my struggle with inappropriate contentography is undoubtedly the largest obstacle preventing me from being close to God. Today, I am still battling with the cause of the crisis from 2 years ago, but I have long since emerged knowing with full certainty where I want to be in my relationship with Christ. I no longer view my addiction as a manifestation of normal behaviour, nor do I try to justify it. I have a problem. I have confessed before the Lord, and I know with absolute certainty that I want to stop, but I need help.
At first I thought I could kick it on my own. I tried. During my crisis period I stopped masturbating and viewing inappropriate content cold turkey. I lasted for six months, then I caved. I thought I could get away with just one time... but that quickly spiraled out of control again. Since then, the past year has been one long, unending war. I have gone weeks at a time without succumbing, but then the temptation becomes too great and I spend the next fortnight going wild. It has been two days since my last 'reset'.
So that's it. That's my story. inappropriate contentography has not only consumed an entire half of my life, but has also stunted my relationship with the opposite sex. I know many atheist girls have no problem with their boyfriends using inappropriate content, but I know that's not what Christ wants for me, and I only want to date a fellow Christian. However I believe my guilt and remorse has subconsciously prevented me from encouraging any signs of interest from girls with whom I share a mutual attraction, because I can't help thinking that a man who has seen the things I have, and done the things I've done, is simply not good enough for them. I find I don't want to experience their hurt and rejection when they learn of my past, so i simply avoid relationships instead. It wouldn't surprise you to know that I've never had a girlfriend.
I want to change. I want to change so badly it hurts, and sometimes is all I can think about. It's not even for the sake of future relationships. I've given serious thought to the idea of being single for the rest of my life, and although it seems lonely, I believe I can bear it. I just know that after coming out from depression (and still sinking into it sometimes!) I am aware for the first time what my faith really means to me, and that I want to be a better man, period. I am working hard to change many of my other faults too; e.g. pride, impatience, etc. Jesus has told me he has forgiven all of my sins, but I'm fully conscious it doesn't come without effort on my part. No matter how many times I 'reset' and then fall again, I am determined to pick myself up and conquer this. So to everyone who has made it this far through my long-winded post, thank you for taking the time to read my story. This battle is mine to fight, but I am here, humbly, asking for your support.
