My parents and domestic violence

Tee G · Mar 29, 2016

What would you do? I am the eldest of 5 siblings one of whom has special needs and my parents have been together about 35 years. All my life my dad has been abusive towards us and my mum. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am grateful he did the bare minimum and fed us, we only had clothes because of our private foster carers. For birthdays and Christmas our gifts would come from foster carers ane friends. As for birthday parties no way, my mum would try her best and buy a few bottles of economy cola and sweets off the market stall and a cake.

From two months old I was placed in many private foster places with people my parents didn't know while they worked to earn money. To the point where some of them abused and neglected me. If it wasnt for the neighbours telling my parents to get me out of there, who knows what would have happend to me.

I was placed in another private foster place with my siblings and it was the best chance to ever see how a normal family function and love each other. I think of them as my parents they showed me so much love and care and built so many Happy memories and I am still intouch with them today though my foster dad has passed away now. At the age of about 7/8 my dad decided my mum would stop working and take us back from the foster carers without notice and to live with them. I left all my friends behind and the life I had known from about two years old.

Growing up we would regularly see and hear my dad beating her up and shouting abuse. She would always defend him if we spoke bad about him saying he is still your dad no matter what he does.

As we grew older we began to have more courage to speak up to him. Probably from about the age of 17 till now at 31, but I have lost count how many times we have tried to reason with him, write letters to him and cards about how his behaviour has affected us all and literally crying and begging for him to change, to listen and get help. Family and friends have tried and even the church pastor but nothing. My mum still stays with him. Even though we said we will help and support her.

The funny thing is that when my Aunt was in an abusive relationship with my uncle guess who ran to her aid and made sure my uncle left? Yep my mum and dad. My Aunt got a restraining order against my uncle and she got back on her feet and my Aunt realised that she was worth more than that and that she wasn't gonna live like that or let my cousins grow up in such a toxic environment. She started her own business and has been doing well ever since. My Aunt said her abuse was nothing on the scale of my mums and ours and she could not take what my dad has done to us all. So clearly my mum understands and reasons but not for herself so it seems.

My parents went to live abroad for a while in and took the youngest two with them age 15 ( who was just about to start gcses but wasn't allowed to finish them) and the 11 year old sibling with special needs, who wasn't put into school for almost two years and never seen a doctors in all the 9 years they were there. Now has gone backwards in educational,mental and social development. My mum also has health issues diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol and on going issues that both require further tests for cancer.

My dad has multiple marital affairs and my mum accepts this as the norm and part of their culture. He showers the women and their kids with money and gifts and pays for the school fees yet he complains of no money for my two siblings and or for my mum and siblings to see the doctors. Last christmas he gave them nothing for food while he went out to see one his jezebels. He controls all the money while they were here and abroad and takes all her wages. The women he is seeing and sleeping with have started threatening my mums life also.

He even began bringing prostitues into their business to make more money as he said finances were tight. Even though my mum and sisters live on the business premises. I said that was dangerous and unsafe, who does that?? Who brings that sort of clientel near their family puting them in danger of drugs and violence??

Fast forward a bit and he attempted to strangle her again for the fourth time and she calls asking for help that she is scared and wants out of the country so he can't get her, so we get her and my sibling on a plane asap back to london and set up a room in our home and try to start getting their lives back on track, arranging GP, dentist,opticians and finding specialist colleges to help my sibling with special needs (downs syndrome) and get her a statement from the council and emailing for information and support.

Now my mum is reluctant to do anything or apply for financial support if it involves mentioning my dad as she says she can't do that to him and has to protect him that she still loves him.

Now my dad is apparently doing the whole he is sorry act and my mum buys it. I messaged him to ask him to explain his behaviour and he told me it is none of my business and it is an insult to question him. But you made it partly my business by trying to kill her again and the way you brought us up. He says he is a disciplinarian and not a dictator and he is the best dad in the world.

My mum says she isn't staying here and wants to go back to him one day after he has learned his lesson and suffered, and we should forgive and forget and we should make up with my dad everybody makes mistakes and deserves another chance...

Growing up sometimes my mum was physically abusive to my siblings, I was the mute child so got less of it, they said jump and I did. She was also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative towards us all Yes I'm sure she took out the abuse she received from my dad on us but that is still no excuse for it. Puting us down and making unkind comments. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices and words.

The man has shown no remorse and doesn't accept that his behaviour is wrong and hurtful towards others. Saying every relationship has it's hiccups??? Yes he is right to a point but not violence and abuse that is just abnormal behaviour. She says he is not himself and it must be vodooor black magic making him act like this, that when they met he was so kind and would do everything for her... Yes part of the act I suppose.

The same lines she has been quoting for years.

I am so drained from listening to it all. My husband and I have two kids 3 years old and 18months and the oldest has picked up on things he has heard in passing or when my mum is shouting down the phone about it to my sister or a relative.

I can't keep going on like this. My kids have been out of routine since they have been here, but my mum has no where else to go and they don't speak to any other family here as they have fallen out with pretty much everyone.

We are reluctant to just give her money because in the past my dad has got hold of it and spent it on the jezebels he sleeps with and wasted it on business plans that never work, of course he never listens to anybody and he knows best.

I have read and read about abuse and violence and why women stay but for the life of me and growing up in that household I still don't and probably never will understand why they stay and why they allow their kids just as my mum did to grow up in that environment thinking that it is better for the kids???

What to be in a war zone everyday?? Trying to jump in the middle of your parents when it gets physical and then being attacked and abused yourself? I am tired of trying to protect her it's been like this my whole life. I am tired of trying to be the mediator.

My dad refuses to listen, get help or change and my mum refuses to believe he is really that bad. We are the criminals, because I have distanced myself from communication with him and if he texts me I reply if I wish to in my own time out of politness and in my two siblings case they have both decided to cut him out of their life. My mum just doesn't get it and keeps telling them to make up with him, because no matter what he does he is still your dad. More like just a sperm donor.

She says she was waiting for us to grow up and staying for us, as though it was our fault for her staying? What is her reason now?

People say that women who have been abused don't know how to think straight and reason? I don't buy it in my mums case anyway. She is perfectly capable of reasoning and is still continuing to do so.

After three decades and some I don't think there is any hope. I can't just be spending money on plane tickets if she decides to go back and then when things go badly again which I am sure they will unless he changes, she can't expect us to just send her a plane ticket again to come back and forth.

Part of me blames my mum for some of the choices she made. Not everyone will like that but think if it was you growing up in that environment or your own kids, would you allow somebody to abuse them and then contribute to that abuse too?

Even the fact that she went back to an undeveloped country knowing the health care is not as good there and that my sibling with downs syndrome wouldnt get the same support and help they would had they stayed here in London.

I have been in hospital for a week with sudden severe pains out of the blue about a week after they arrived and after a ct scan, x ray, ultrasound and a colonoscopy the consultant couldnt find anything andy friends think it was just sudden stress. I have a husband and two kids to be there for and look after and make a peaceful and loving home.

My dad says he will come to London soon and I said he is not welcome to stay with us and my mum was giving me dagger eyes and made it clear she wasnt happy with that.

He is violent and wicked and unwilling to get help I will not put my children at risk if he decides that he is suddenly going to flip and fly off the handle into one of his fits of red rage and uncontrolable anger.

This is my home and I will make the decisions now. I am even dealing with her trying to tell me how to parent the kids and what to do and not do and what is good and not etc. I have told her that I thank her for her advice but I don't need it and neither did I ask for it.

My dad has never given a sincere apology or my mum for that matter for their choices and decisions. I have chosen to forgive them both, which may sound weird because the bitterness or hatred only kills me and eats me up inside and affects my relationship with my kids and my husband.

But the ongoing drama and her not wanting our help even though we have given it to her and are trying to sort out a new life for her here is frustrating and sad to see, and emotionally I am fed up.

I have tried my best to do what I can but I can't continue to just be a doormat and breath and live this toxic life over and over again, and sit and wait till when my mum finally decides she wants to leave again and hop on a plane at our expense to come and stay disrupting our lives and my kids and be her confidant. Sigh!

My parents say they are believers. My dad actually preaches in his church and used to preach on and off while we were growing up.

What does honor thy mother and Father look like practically in a situation like this?

kmrichard7 · Mar 30, 2016

My father and mother are both addicts. My father was so abusive that he literally intentionally put my life at risk for fun on more than one occassion as a child.
So naturally like you, I struggled with "honoring" my mother and father. Especially when I finally decided to stand up to my mom and she tried throwing it in my face "I thought you were working on your relationship with God. What about honoring your mother?"
The way I see it is this verse right here:
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."
— Matthew 18:10

And this one:
People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
— Mark 10:13-16

And this one:
Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
— Psalm 127:3-5

Scripture clearly states that children are innocent. Scripture clearly states that as parents we have certain rules we must follow

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Titus 2:7
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity,

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

1 Peter 5:3
Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

The bold I find especially helpful. You can honor your parents by following God. That's all. Follow the word of God and you honor your parents the best way. Your relationship with them does not determine your honor. Your character does. Their character speaks for themselves, yours speaks for yourself. Honor them by following the command of God. Their obligations as parents are between them and God. Pray for them that they see their shortcommings and find a way to God as you do.

Dave-W · Mar 31, 2016

kmrichard7 said:
So naturally like you, I struggled with "honoring" my mother and father. Especially when I finally decided to stand up to my mom and she tried throwing it in my face "I thought you were working on your relationship with God. What about honoring your mother?"

If you read the gospels closely, and also examine rabbinic writings from the first and 2nd centuries, you will find that the understanding of "honor father and mother" was understood to mean adult children give them support in their retirement years, and NOT going along with every thing they say or do. It was understood specifically as monetary support:

Mark 7.10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, is to be put to death’; 11 but you say, ‘If a man says to his father or his mother, whatever I have that would help you is Corban (that is to say, given to God),’ 12 you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or his mother;

akmom · Mar 31, 2016

Children are commanded to obey their parents, and children and adults both are commanded to honor their parents. But adults aren't commanded to obey them. In fact, they are commanded to leave their parents, and cleave to their spouse. As an adult, you are supposed to be independent from your parents. You aren't obligated to cater to them, and in your case it does not sound like they have much wisdom worth emulating.

I think you are confused about what honor means. Honor means to show respect. You can show respect to anyone, and it doesn't involve doing whatever they ask. It means showing kindness, treating them like they matter, not humiliating them. Those are just examples. Showing honor, I think, is more about your attitude than actions. I certainly don't think that verse is commanding you make foolish choices because the people who happen to be your parents are choosing a pattern of poor behaviors.

HannahT · Apr 7, 2016

Tee G-

My mother's parents were similar to what you wrote. My parents moved us 1,000 miles away, and kept a distance for us that way. My mother had already realized that her mother wasn't going anywhere, and the church sadly enabled that relationship..abusive as it was. He would hit both of them. The church knew, and would remind her of his authority - now days its 'headship' - whatever that is, and how she should submit to him. My grandmother lived that hook, line and sinker. The damage that man did to her - and my mother - didn't matter. The marriage did, and of course their 'roles' within it.

I find what people don't realize is the effect it has on the children. Mother was always emotionally distant even though she loved my father - and he loved her. I could count on one hand how many times I saw them (my parents) fight or get TRULY angry with each other. Mother was distance with everyone. The domestic violence and the enabling from others damaged her. She had a really hard time getting to close.

Even to my grandfather's dying days the church backed him up, and his authority within the home. Sadly, to his detriment and to my grandmother's as well. You see he died of Alzheimer's. Mother tried to get the state to remove him from the home at that stage, because he was a danger to himself first and foremost. At the time? She was told she had to do that. I didn't know about the DV at the time, but some of her comments come back to me now. She told me, "I can't. He will hit me!" I figured it was the disease, because some patients do get violent.

She had the church leaders trick him into a car ride to a Alzheimer's home (for his safety and that of my grandmothers), but he figured it out and refused to get out of the car. We were told we had to respect his position in the household. My grandmother's safety was once again throw to the side. The disease progressed, and the church ignored them because he was to much trouble at this point. The police would bring him home when he took walks and got lost. He almost burned the house down. She called the church again, because he was going to kill them. The church threatened the state if anything happened to them? They would pay dearly - yes they had that much power. They finally removed him, but he died within a week. My grandmother was in bad shape as well, and we took her home with us...and got her a place with individual care she needed. She also was stricken with Alzheimer's shortly afterwards. The sad part? Those were her brightest days. She was no longer chained to an abusive man, and she was actually allowed to love life. It was heart breaking and awesome at the same time. I mean she blossomed. She passed a number of years later.

My brother and I finally had a couple of pieces that we put together over their relationship, and mother one day finally admitted to me the violence, abuse, and trauma of her childhood. So many things made sense to us then.

She was only able to get so close, and now that I look back on things? As intelligent as she was when she was wrong about something? She would put on this Southern Belle act (what friend's called it) - or as I called it at the time the dumb blonde act - pretending she didn't understand the conversation as her way to escape it. People don't realize that growing up with domestic violence being 'wrong' about something goes way beyond what most people are capable of understanding. You pay big time. Your always on guard, and walking on eggshells. She wasn't really capable of admitting things due to the trauma she grew up with. It's sad, but it makes loads of sense to me now. If they had help at the time? She would have handled that aspect of life better. It wasn't there - help - at that point in history.

People talk about the victims - normally the adults - of these types of relationships. Culture at times will fight over the gender part of it - who gets abused more. How adults take advantage of this to get OUT of the relationship, or take advantage of things. Refuse to acknowledge the damage of certain aspects of relationships if they don't involve hitting. Take their word of the spouse about how the abusive parent is a GOOD parent, but how that can really be? The 'good' parent abuses their spouse? It's mind boggling to me. Then you have all these pros and cons to leaving or staying within a marriage with domestic violence.

No one stops to think about the damage it does to children's lives. It does true damage too. THEY are the FORGOTTEN!! I guess they can't wrap that up as tidy under the 'roles' part of the marriage. Children can escape in their life's when they grow up where as many feel the spouse can't. Sadly, by that time much damage is already done to the children. The walking wounded never are taken into account.

Mother was afraid of help Tee, because help in her day made things worse. Things are much better today, although the dynamics of domestic violence are still as confusing, hurtful, and just all over the map. You sound like you are doing a good job at boundaries, but maybe a bit of backup with an advocate that specializes in domestic violence would be a good suggestion for you. Just someone you can pick up the phone and talk too. Call a DV line and ask them about that! Goodness knows you aren't the ONLY one dealing with this!

My grandfather visited, but I have a feeling that my parents and he had a strong agreement. If my brother and I ever witnessed anything? His visits were done forever. My father backed that up, and my grandfather never liked him for that...along with other boundaries he felt were HIS fault. The reasons for the boundaries don't matter - they never do with abusers.

Abusers have a mindset that is truly hard to explain to people, and also because people outside the dynamic try to find reasons to justify it away. You know the ones! Two to tango, what did you do to make him so mad, is he having a bad day, etc. People have tons of excuses for abusive people, and sadly that gives them zero incentive to change. Why should they? They have build in backup 100%! Sure there are a few here and there that won't but the majority? No problem! 98% backup is still pretty good.

My grandfather never did anything HUGE around us, but we did know something was up with them. We loved them, and they loved us...and as children we just went along with it. I was adult before reality was shown to me. I was mad at him for years too, but finally came to peace with it. In a way I can understand WHY they hid it from us, but its strange in others ways. My parents were very upfront about most aspects of life. In many ways I see him - my grandfather - as the true victim in this whole mess. Someone that no one wanted to really help, and someone that wouldn't take help if they did. Always angry and violence was needed...what a sad, sad life. Everyone else were treated as after thoughts, but of course were still victims as well. The whole dynamic is sickening.

You have your own family to worry about now. Allow them to live their's, and keep a healthy distance. Find someone to talk to that understand the dynamics...and please continue to heal. I truly think if my mother wasn't SO afraid of that she would have been better off. Don't allow your parents to manipulate you back into their dynamics. If your mother is ever ready? She will find her way out, and once she stays out for a while and you KNOW she is good and serious? You can think of small ways to help...otherwise just stay out of it.

You don't want them to stay during visits? That's on them, and they don't have to like it. They will be forced to respect though. Good enough for right now.

akmom · Apr 8, 2016

HannahT said:
Mother was afraid of help Tee, because help in her day made things worse. Things are much better today, although the dynamics of domestic violence are still as confusing, hurtful, and just all over the map.

Hannah T, what exactly can society do? Domestic violence is a tough problem to tackle. You can offer anger management and therapy to abusers, but most would not be willing to participate. You can offer shelters for women and children, but that is a very temporary solution; few people want to live in a shelter for long, if at all. So they tend to go back home (to the abuser), or find cheap housing if they are lucky (which tends to be in poor neighborhoods with their own set of problems), or they rebound to yet another partner (which erodes stability for the kids and may put them at different risks). What do you think it would take to intercept the dynamics of domestic violence, as a society?

HannahT · Apr 8, 2016

Domestic violence isn't an anger problem akmom. It's a tool they use, and not the core issue. It's actually much more complicated than that. Yes, it is HARD to deal with...but we can't ignore it or make excuses not to either. It would be nice if people were educated enough on this issue to realize anger management doesn't help. That's just the part they see - the rage. It's just one tool.

Yes, the road is hard once they leave. There are hills and valleys to go through, but encouraging them stay? Which is worse? Most men and women I have spoken to say their struggles are much better than what they dealt with in the past. It kind of tells you how bad it is. They normally want to kick themselves for taking so long. That's not to say you don't have those that stick it out or return as you mentioned. They are broken people, and one day they may make that decision for themselves....and how they are worth it. We will never fix all of the relationship dynamics of this world - or people.

Certain parties do go back at times. That's why you have to wait and see if this time is the time they want to do this for themselves, and if they are strong enough to fight the manipulation - and their own codependency to stay out. What amazes me at times is how bad things really are, and how much they don't see it. When certain things happen to them - they will see it as normal...when it is the opposite. It's not easy to allow them to wake up and smell the reality at times. Its baby steps, but at least some steps have started.

One family was told for years that without the abuser they would be homeless, living under a bush, and eating bugs. They were so sleazy that no one would help them, listen to them, because they couldn't stand their presence. The abuser broke them down so badly they actually believed it. I realize that doesn't sound awful to many, and there is more to their story...yet this statement it seemed to me was the breaking point line that the abuser used that finally didn't work anymore after a while.

People had to been talking them into keeping the peace, and sticking it out for so long...they felt helpless, and felt there was no where to go. That's when they started to reach out slowing outside their circle, and things started to turn around in their minds. Then came the day when being homeless, living under a bush, and eating bugs was better than living with the abuser. It wasn't easy, but they did escape. They are offered counseling, and advocates to help them in court. They struggle to survive, but its a much better struggle than living in fear.

I have gentleman I worked with for years, and he has custody of the kids. Yes, it doesn't just happen to women. They struggled for years afterwards in many ways, but now he has one child left at home...and the other two have decent, successful lifes. Mom comes and goes in their lifes, and normally leaves when the chaos she creates gets to heated for her. He just started to date someone seriously, and it looks like possible marriage material. She does not have abusive tendencies. He and the kids had support and counseling, but YES the hard work was on their shoulder's.

Another young mother escaped 15 years ago with her two boys. She finished her trade school this year, and her two boys are in college. They struggled for everything, and he created as much chaos as he could. One boy will graduate this year, and the other will within another year. She has never dated this whole time, and they have all been in and out counseling this entire time. She had junky jobs, and they lived with a small apartment with next to nothing. Now she works at a hospital, and her sons will have careers. They are finally climbing that ladder in life, and the Dad? His life is currently falling apart once again, and of course due to no fault of his own. He still blames them for everything...after 15 years.

I have another lady a little older than me, and her husband almost killed her more than once. She would escape, and he and her family (yes, her family) would work on her to return. Sounds like she didn't have much of a childhood, and married worse. She was one of those that left and went back...yep. She finally after 30 years left for good, and yes she struggles. She currently works at Walmart, and its hard. I remember when an old neighbor seeked her out. The couple saw what was happening, and pretended they didn't see anything for years. The wife got sick, and on her death bed asked her husband to find her...and apologize for their denial. I'm not sure what they could have done, but they didn't want to find out either. No doubt they were scared - who can blame them there. It meant the world to her that he sought her out, and validated her past. It motivated her to continue, and he offered her help...but she wants to do this on her own. She will too.

Yet, if we all we want to do is get negative nellie on this subject, and pretend the examples you gave are all we have as an alternative? We also need to stop complaining about the violence in the world, and the criminals that create ugliness too. No doubt they saw plenty growing up, and staying was the only option...besides they get the message they can't do any better. They just go back, or get involved with another loser and really mess things up anyway. Sadly, that negates the many that don't. This circumstance isn't the only stereotype, and only seems to be very popular within media circles.

It only takes one to break the cycle for a family. Mother was the break for our family. Dad supported her, loved her, etc. Dad came from a broken home in a time in which if Dad abandon the family? You are shunned from society. Mother had some friends, but many were afraid to get to close due to her father's reputation. In a way she was shunned too. Those things were family matters at that time in history, and thankfully we have come further than that today.

Heck, even when I was growing up DV wasn't illegal. I remember one family a couple of blocks away, and it was bad! My folks and maybe one other family helped them where they were allowed. At the time I felt my parents were doing their Christian duty towards a family in need and in crisis. Since finding out about mom's history...lol my theory as expanded a bit more with that! I remember no one wanted to talk about that family, and everyone pretended they didn't exist. There was no shelters then. My brother said a couple of kids are on facebook now, and have a decent life....others have continued the cycle of abuse.

We can't intercept DV necessarily. We can stop minimizing the effects on society, and on the individuals within that dynamic. We can't tackle violence within this world if we can't even address the violence that starts at home. Most won't know what to do, but on the other hand...they don't go the point of finding out either. Each family is different, and custom made. There is no blanket scene on how to work with them. Most of it will be ugly, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you stopped the cycle for the next generation? We will start to lesson violence in our world. Yes, it is overwhelming but we have to start somewhere.

Kids of these families may not have violence in their homes like they did growing up, but they do struggle with normal human interactions at times. You were never around 'normal' human interactions. You catch on to some here and there, but you are at a disadvantage. Your family can still manipulate you, coerce you, etc. Those are very powerful mental tools, and allowing them someone to reach out to when you realize you are struggling with it? One of the best tools in societies arsenal. Validation is very powerful. The controlling ways within this dynamic is very confusing, and you dont' want the person to feel helpless.

Just a crazy example of another family! After the kids were on their own, and his interaction for chaos was less? The X husband actually filed for JOINT custody of the DOG! The silly court system actually gave the man visitation rights...OF A DOG! It gave him the excuse to come by, and check on her - among other things. She gave the dog to a farmer I think it was, and announced the dog got lost...and never returned. Visitation ended, but now he is seeking out other means via stalking. Yes, they are currently working on that. This is a professional, extremely successful man - and he doesn't like the fact she found ways of supporting herself, and has her own life. She gave him almost everything just to get out. Sadly, he plays his game for the audience (friends, etc) that he is the cat's meow...and just wants her to give him another chance. I'm not sure if he is just that good as a con man, or they just like being blind. I mean WHO in their right mind files for custody of a DOG after so many years...after the divorce? That's just batty.

Her struggle will continue, but she also has support and validation. She won when she got her own life - that's what she says. To her abuser 'winning' was everything, but to me her comment made sense. It may not be case of winning or losing in reality, but I have no problem with her looking at it like that. She has good reason.

Oncoming support - heck even a help line. Acknowledging and not minimizing the effects on the family - and our society as a whole. Most of the shelter's funding is private, although they do get funding from government too. They make that go a long way, and don't have resources to do everything needed. In our area the shelters also deal with individuals that are sexual assault victims, incest, molestation, etc. So, they are doing double duty. I would bet many of the perps are victims of DV too - along with sexual assault victims themselves. Not to minimize their crimes, but it is a reality.

We can't tackle violence in our society if we can't acknowledge the beginning roots - the family. Some will refuse the help, but the ones that will take it? They need the support, validation, and hope. They are more than willing to shoulder the struggle if they are indeed ready. I'm thankful we aren't as ignorant as we were when my mother was a child, but we do have a ways to go despite that.

akmom · Apr 10, 2016

Yeah. Domestic violence is bad. So back to my question, what can we as a society do about it? That would be effective, I mean?

Dave-W · Apr 11, 2016

Tee G said:
What does honor thy mother and Father look like practically in a situation like this?

Honoring would be confronting sinful behavior with biblical truth. Matt 18.15-18

Husbands are to treat wives the way Christ treats the church.

HannahT · Apr 17, 2016

akmom said:
Yeah. Domestic violence is bad. So back to my question, what can we as a society do about it? That would be effective, I mean?

I answered you. You may wish to re read what was said.

akmom · May 2, 2016

You wrote a giant essay about every incident of domestic violence you ever encountered. You think if I trudge through all that again I'll find the answer to my question? I already saw that you threw in the token "support, validation and hope" at the end. Was that what I was supposed to find? Because that's not actually an answer. It's vague and lacks any specific ideas.

So here is an example of a solution. "Build more shelters." "Wave signs at intersections that say 'Choose Respect.'" "Offer relationship classes in high schools." "Teach martial arts to battered women." See? Then you offer research and maybe even anecdotes on why certain techniques work or don't work. And we can discuss them.

Search

Search

My parents and domestic violence

Tee G

New Member

More options

kmrichard7

Active Member

More options

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

More options

akmom

Newbie

More options

HannahT

Newbie

More options

akmom

Newbie

More options

HannahT

Newbie

More options

akmom

Newbie

More options

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

More options

HannahT

Newbie

More options

akmom

Newbie

More options

Similar threads