What would you do? I am the eldest of 5 siblings one of whom has special needs and my parents have been together about 35 years. All my life my dad has been abusive towards us and my mum. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I am grateful he did the bare minimum and fed us, we only had clothes because of our private foster carers. For birthdays and Christmas our gifts would come from foster carers ane friends. As for birthday parties no way, my mum would try her best and buy a few bottles of economy cola and sweets off the market stall and a cake.
From two months old I was placed in many private foster places with people my parents didn't know while they worked to earn money. To the point where some of them abused and neglected me. If it wasnt for the neighbours telling my parents to get me out of there, who knows what would have happend to me.
I was placed in another private foster place with my siblings and it was the best chance to ever see how a normal family function and love each other. I think of them as my parents they showed me so much love and care and built so many Happy memories and I am still intouch with them today though my foster dad has passed away now. At the age of about 7/8 my dad decided my mum would stop working and take us back from the foster carers without notice and to live with them. I left all my friends behind and the life I had known from about two years old.
Growing up we would regularly see and hear my dad beating her up and shouting abuse. She would always defend him if we spoke bad about him saying he is still your dad no matter what he does.
As we grew older we began to have more courage to speak up to him. Probably from about the age of 17 till now at 31, but I have lost count how many times we have tried to reason with him, write letters to him and cards about how his behaviour has affected us all and literally crying and begging for him to change, to listen and get help. Family and friends have tried and even the church pastor but nothing. My mum still stays with him. Even though we said we will help and support her.
The funny thing is that when my Aunt was in an abusive relationship with my uncle guess who ran to her aid and made sure my uncle left? Yep my mum and dad. My Aunt got a restraining order against my uncle and she got back on her feet and my Aunt realised that she was worth more than that and that she wasn't gonna live like that or let my cousins grow up in such a toxic environment. She started her own business and has been doing well ever since. My Aunt said her abuse was nothing on the scale of my mums and ours and she could not take what my dad has done to us all. So clearly my mum understands and reasons but not for herself so it seems.
My parents went to live abroad for a while in and took the youngest two with them age 15 ( who was just about to start gcses but wasn't allowed to finish them) and the 11 year old sibling with special needs, who wasn't put into school for almost two years and never seen a doctors in all the 9 years they were there. Now has gone backwards in educational,mental and social development. My mum also has health issues diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol and on going issues that both require further tests for cancer.
My dad has multiple marital affairs and my mum accepts this as the norm and part of their culture. He showers the women and their kids with money and gifts and pays for the school fees yet he complains of no money for my two siblings and or for my mum and siblings to see the doctors. Last christmas he gave them nothing for food while he went out to see one his jezebels. He controls all the money while they were here and abroad and takes all her wages. The women he is seeing and sleeping with have started threatening my mums life also.
He even began bringing prostitues into their business to make more money as he said finances were tight. Even though my mum and sisters live on the business premises. I said that was dangerous and unsafe, who does that?? Who brings that sort of clientel near their family puting them in danger of drugs and violence??
Fast forward a bit and he attempted to strangle her again for the fourth time and she calls asking for help that she is scared and wants out of the country so he can't get her, so we get her and my sibling on a plane asap back to london and set up a room in our home and try to start getting their lives back on track, arranging GP, dentist,opticians and finding specialist colleges to help my sibling with special needs (downs syndrome) and get her a statement from the council and emailing for information and support.
Now my mum is reluctant to do anything or apply for financial support if it involves mentioning my dad as she says she can't do that to him and has to protect him that she still loves him.
Now my dad is apparently doing the whole he is sorry act and my mum buys it. I messaged him to ask him to explain his behaviour and he told me it is none of my business and it is an insult to question him. But you made it partly my business by trying to kill her again and the way you brought us up. He says he is a disciplinarian and not a dictator and he is the best dad in the world.
My mum says she isn't staying here and wants to go back to him one day after he has learned his lesson and suffered, and we should forgive and forget and we should make up with my dad everybody makes mistakes and deserves another chance...
Growing up sometimes my mum was physically abusive to my siblings, I was the mute child so got less of it, they said jump and I did. She was also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative towards us all Yes I'm sure she took out the abuse she received from my dad on us but that is still no excuse for it. Puting us down and making unkind comments. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices and words.
The man has shown no remorse and doesn't accept that his behaviour is wrong and hurtful towards others. Saying every relationship has it's hiccups??? Yes he is right to a point but not violence and abuse that is just abnormal behaviour. She says he is not himself and it must be vodooor black magic making him act like this, that when they met he was so kind and would do everything for her... Yes part of the act I suppose.
The same lines she has been quoting for years.
I am so drained from listening to it all. My husband and I have two kids 3 years old and 18months and the oldest has picked up on things he has heard in passing or when my mum is shouting down the phone about it to my sister or a relative.
I can't keep going on like this. My kids have been out of routine since they have been here, but my mum has no where else to go and they don't speak to any other family here as they have fallen out with pretty much everyone.
We are reluctant to just give her money because in the past my dad has got hold of it and spent it on the jezebels he sleeps with and wasted it on business plans that never work, of course he never listens to anybody and he knows best.
I have read and read about abuse and violence and why women stay but for the life of me and growing up in that household I still don't and probably never will understand why they stay and why they allow their kids just as my mum did to grow up in that environment thinking that it is better for the kids???
What to be in a war zone everyday?? Trying to jump in the middle of your parents when it gets physical and then being attacked and abused yourself? I am tired of trying to protect her it's been like this my whole life. I am tired of trying to be the mediator.
My dad refuses to listen, get help or change and my mum refuses to believe he is really that bad. We are the criminals, because I have distanced myself from communication with him and if he texts me I reply if I wish to in my own time out of politness and in my two siblings case they have both decided to cut him out of their life. My mum just doesn't get it and keeps telling them to make up with him, because no matter what he does he is still your dad. More like just a sperm donor.
She says she was waiting for us to grow up and staying for us, as though it was our fault for her staying? What is her reason now?
People say that women who have been abused don't know how to think straight and reason? I don't buy it in my mums case anyway. She is perfectly capable of reasoning and is still continuing to do so.
After three decades and some I don't think there is any hope. I can't just be spending money on plane tickets if she decides to go back and then when things go badly again which I am sure they will unless he changes, she can't expect us to just send her a plane ticket again to come back and forth.
Part of me blames my mum for some of the choices she made. Not everyone will like that but think if it was you growing up in that environment or your own kids, would you allow somebody to abuse them and then contribute to that abuse too?
Even the fact that she went back to an undeveloped country knowing the health care is not as good there and that my sibling with downs syndrome wouldnt get the same support and help they would had they stayed here in London.
I have been in hospital for a week with sudden severe pains out of the blue about a week after they arrived and after a ct scan, x ray, ultrasound and a colonoscopy the consultant couldnt find anything andy friends think it was just sudden stress. I have a husband and two kids to be there for and look after and make a peaceful and loving home.
My dad says he will come to London soon and I said he is not welcome to stay with us and my mum was giving me dagger eyes and made it clear she wasnt happy with that.
He is violent and wicked and unwilling to get help I will not put my children at risk if he decides that he is suddenly going to flip and fly off the handle into one of his fits of red rage and uncontrolable anger.
This is my home and I will make the decisions now. I am even dealing with her trying to tell me how to parent the kids and what to do and not do and what is good and not etc. I have told her that I thank her for her advice but I don't need it and neither did I ask for it.
My dad has never given a sincere apology or my mum for that matter for their choices and decisions. I have chosen to forgive them both, which may sound weird because the bitterness or hatred only kills me and eats me up inside and affects my relationship with my kids and my husband.
But the ongoing drama and her not wanting our help even though we have given it to her and are trying to sort out a new life for her here is frustrating and sad to see, and emotionally I am fed up.
I have tried my best to do what I can but I can't continue to just be a doormat and breath and live this toxic life over and over again, and sit and wait till when my mum finally decides she wants to leave again and hop on a plane at our expense to come and stay disrupting our lives and my kids and be her confidant. Sigh!
My parents say they are believers. My dad actually preaches in his church and used to preach on and off while we were growing up.
What does honor thy mother and Father look like practically in a situation like this?
From two months old I was placed in many private foster places with people my parents didn't know while they worked to earn money. To the point where some of them abused and neglected me. If it wasnt for the neighbours telling my parents to get me out of there, who knows what would have happend to me.
I was placed in another private foster place with my siblings and it was the best chance to ever see how a normal family function and love each other. I think of them as my parents they showed me so much love and care and built so many Happy memories and I am still intouch with them today though my foster dad has passed away now. At the age of about 7/8 my dad decided my mum would stop working and take us back from the foster carers without notice and to live with them. I left all my friends behind and the life I had known from about two years old.
Growing up we would regularly see and hear my dad beating her up and shouting abuse. She would always defend him if we spoke bad about him saying he is still your dad no matter what he does.
As we grew older we began to have more courage to speak up to him. Probably from about the age of 17 till now at 31, but I have lost count how many times we have tried to reason with him, write letters to him and cards about how his behaviour has affected us all and literally crying and begging for him to change, to listen and get help. Family and friends have tried and even the church pastor but nothing. My mum still stays with him. Even though we said we will help and support her.
The funny thing is that when my Aunt was in an abusive relationship with my uncle guess who ran to her aid and made sure my uncle left? Yep my mum and dad. My Aunt got a restraining order against my uncle and she got back on her feet and my Aunt realised that she was worth more than that and that she wasn't gonna live like that or let my cousins grow up in such a toxic environment. She started her own business and has been doing well ever since. My Aunt said her abuse was nothing on the scale of my mums and ours and she could not take what my dad has done to us all. So clearly my mum understands and reasons but not for herself so it seems.
My parents went to live abroad for a while in and took the youngest two with them age 15 ( who was just about to start gcses but wasn't allowed to finish them) and the 11 year old sibling with special needs, who wasn't put into school for almost two years and never seen a doctors in all the 9 years they were there. Now has gone backwards in educational,mental and social development. My mum also has health issues diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol and on going issues that both require further tests for cancer.
My dad has multiple marital affairs and my mum accepts this as the norm and part of their culture. He showers the women and their kids with money and gifts and pays for the school fees yet he complains of no money for my two siblings and or for my mum and siblings to see the doctors. Last christmas he gave them nothing for food while he went out to see one his jezebels. He controls all the money while they were here and abroad and takes all her wages. The women he is seeing and sleeping with have started threatening my mums life also.
He even began bringing prostitues into their business to make more money as he said finances were tight. Even though my mum and sisters live on the business premises. I said that was dangerous and unsafe, who does that?? Who brings that sort of clientel near their family puting them in danger of drugs and violence??
Fast forward a bit and he attempted to strangle her again for the fourth time and she calls asking for help that she is scared and wants out of the country so he can't get her, so we get her and my sibling on a plane asap back to london and set up a room in our home and try to start getting their lives back on track, arranging GP, dentist,opticians and finding specialist colleges to help my sibling with special needs (downs syndrome) and get her a statement from the council and emailing for information and support.
Now my mum is reluctant to do anything or apply for financial support if it involves mentioning my dad as she says she can't do that to him and has to protect him that she still loves him.
Now my dad is apparently doing the whole he is sorry act and my mum buys it. I messaged him to ask him to explain his behaviour and he told me it is none of my business and it is an insult to question him. But you made it partly my business by trying to kill her again and the way you brought us up. He says he is a disciplinarian and not a dictator and he is the best dad in the world.
My mum says she isn't staying here and wants to go back to him one day after he has learned his lesson and suffered, and we should forgive and forget and we should make up with my dad everybody makes mistakes and deserves another chance...
Growing up sometimes my mum was physically abusive to my siblings, I was the mute child so got less of it, they said jump and I did. She was also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative towards us all Yes I'm sure she took out the abuse she received from my dad on us but that is still no excuse for it. Puting us down and making unkind comments. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices and words.
The man has shown no remorse and doesn't accept that his behaviour is wrong and hurtful towards others. Saying every relationship has it's hiccups??? Yes he is right to a point but not violence and abuse that is just abnormal behaviour. She says he is not himself and it must be vodooor black magic making him act like this, that when they met he was so kind and would do everything for her... Yes part of the act I suppose.
The same lines she has been quoting for years.
I am so drained from listening to it all. My husband and I have two kids 3 years old and 18months and the oldest has picked up on things he has heard in passing or when my mum is shouting down the phone about it to my sister or a relative.
I can't keep going on like this. My kids have been out of routine since they have been here, but my mum has no where else to go and they don't speak to any other family here as they have fallen out with pretty much everyone.
We are reluctant to just give her money because in the past my dad has got hold of it and spent it on the jezebels he sleeps with and wasted it on business plans that never work, of course he never listens to anybody and he knows best.
I have read and read about abuse and violence and why women stay but for the life of me and growing up in that household I still don't and probably never will understand why they stay and why they allow their kids just as my mum did to grow up in that environment thinking that it is better for the kids???
What to be in a war zone everyday?? Trying to jump in the middle of your parents when it gets physical and then being attacked and abused yourself? I am tired of trying to protect her it's been like this my whole life. I am tired of trying to be the mediator.
My dad refuses to listen, get help or change and my mum refuses to believe he is really that bad. We are the criminals, because I have distanced myself from communication with him and if he texts me I reply if I wish to in my own time out of politness and in my two siblings case they have both decided to cut him out of their life. My mum just doesn't get it and keeps telling them to make up with him, because no matter what he does he is still your dad. More like just a sperm donor.
She says she was waiting for us to grow up and staying for us, as though it was our fault for her staying? What is her reason now?
People say that women who have been abused don't know how to think straight and reason? I don't buy it in my mums case anyway. She is perfectly capable of reasoning and is still continuing to do so.
After three decades and some I don't think there is any hope. I can't just be spending money on plane tickets if she decides to go back and then when things go badly again which I am sure they will unless he changes, she can't expect us to just send her a plane ticket again to come back and forth.
Part of me blames my mum for some of the choices she made. Not everyone will like that but think if it was you growing up in that environment or your own kids, would you allow somebody to abuse them and then contribute to that abuse too?
Even the fact that she went back to an undeveloped country knowing the health care is not as good there and that my sibling with downs syndrome wouldnt get the same support and help they would had they stayed here in London.
I have been in hospital for a week with sudden severe pains out of the blue about a week after they arrived and after a ct scan, x ray, ultrasound and a colonoscopy the consultant couldnt find anything andy friends think it was just sudden stress. I have a husband and two kids to be there for and look after and make a peaceful and loving home.
My dad says he will come to London soon and I said he is not welcome to stay with us and my mum was giving me dagger eyes and made it clear she wasnt happy with that.
He is violent and wicked and unwilling to get help I will not put my children at risk if he decides that he is suddenly going to flip and fly off the handle into one of his fits of red rage and uncontrolable anger.
This is my home and I will make the decisions now. I am even dealing with her trying to tell me how to parent the kids and what to do and not do and what is good and not etc. I have told her that I thank her for her advice but I don't need it and neither did I ask for it.
My dad has never given a sincere apology or my mum for that matter for their choices and decisions. I have chosen to forgive them both, which may sound weird because the bitterness or hatred only kills me and eats me up inside and affects my relationship with my kids and my husband.
But the ongoing drama and her not wanting our help even though we have given it to her and are trying to sort out a new life for her here is frustrating and sad to see, and emotionally I am fed up.
I have tried my best to do what I can but I can't continue to just be a doormat and breath and live this toxic life over and over again, and sit and wait till when my mum finally decides she wants to leave again and hop on a plane at our expense to come and stay disrupting our lives and my kids and be her confidant. Sigh!
My parents say they are believers. My dad actually preaches in his church and used to preach on and off while we were growing up.
What does honor thy mother and Father look like practically in a situation like this?