I don’t know if this is the right place to ask, but I need some advice and I don’t know where else to turn. This is my first post here.
My mother-in-law and I currently have a good relationship. There have been issues in the past, where I repressed the problem for a long time, but it started causing issues in my marriage. For example, for a few years after she got divorced from my father-in-law she was calling my husband several times a week and wanting him to come help her "right away" with moving a piece of furniture or a box, etc. He had to drop what he was doing and go help her— and he would. If he didn’t, or if he tried to schedule a time to come help her the next day, she would yell and hang up on him. Another example, following her divorce, she would show up at our house unannounced 3-5 days a week. There was no call to ask if she could pop over— these were totally unannounced. Eventually, I had to talk about these feelings and concerns with my mother-in-law. She has bipolar disorder, and very easily lets her temper flare. When I brought up these issues and concerns up with her (in the kindest way I could) she took my statements and requests as a personal attack. For example, I asked her to give us a 30 minute notice before she would come by, or just call to ask first. In response, she screamed at me that she was lonely and that it was MY husband’s fault she had gotten divorced (she got divorced because my father-in-law was a cheater and a liar). Every comment that I made was taken as an attack. There have been numerous other issues, but these were the most recent. Things have been settled between us, for the most part. She respected my requests and things have been pretty smooth. Fast forward to today.
My daughter (15) was getting ready for my mother-in-law to pick her up. My MIL asked to take my daughter to dinner, and we said “yes”. My birthday and Valentine’s day are coming up, so my daughter and I were talking about that as she got ready. My daughter was talking about how I would love the birthday present she had purchased for me when my MIL had taken her out shopping last month. My daughter decided to use a gift card that she was given as a gift to buy me a birthday present. Then my daughter said this: “Grandma said that I should get an allowance every week and I shouldn’t use gift cards I am given to buy presents. I told Grandma that I don’t need an allowance. Grandma said 'That’s because your parents are brainwashing you.'” I responded with: “She used the term ‘brainwashing’?”. My daughter said “yes”. I’m not looking for advice for or against allowance for children or teens. We don’t give our daughter an allowance for reasons that don’t pertain to the advice I am seeking. Additionally, my daughter is honest; this is something I could reasonably conclude my MIL would say. I think my daughter thought I would laugh this statement off. I don’t think she realized how seriously I would take it. What I want advice on is the following:
-Should I address this statement with my mother-in-law?
-How should I address it? What should I say?
I’m angry. There have been issues in the past with my MIL bad-mouthing my husband or me in front of my daughter. There have also been past issues with parenting decisions we make. For example, she was totally against our decision to homeschool. Another example, my daughter is anxious to get her learner’s permit but my MIL is vehemently against it and saying that the roads are too dangerous and she will get in an accident.
My husband brought up an interesting point, as well. He didn’t get an allowance as a kid. Was she brainwashing him? He got a paper route to pay for the things he wanted.
My mother-in-law and I currently have a good relationship. There have been issues in the past, where I repressed the problem for a long time, but it started causing issues in my marriage. For example, for a few years after she got divorced from my father-in-law she was calling my husband several times a week and wanting him to come help her "right away" with moving a piece of furniture or a box, etc. He had to drop what he was doing and go help her— and he would. If he didn’t, or if he tried to schedule a time to come help her the next day, she would yell and hang up on him. Another example, following her divorce, she would show up at our house unannounced 3-5 days a week. There was no call to ask if she could pop over— these were totally unannounced. Eventually, I had to talk about these feelings and concerns with my mother-in-law. She has bipolar disorder, and very easily lets her temper flare. When I brought up these issues and concerns up with her (in the kindest way I could) she took my statements and requests as a personal attack. For example, I asked her to give us a 30 minute notice before she would come by, or just call to ask first. In response, she screamed at me that she was lonely and that it was MY husband’s fault she had gotten divorced (she got divorced because my father-in-law was a cheater and a liar). Every comment that I made was taken as an attack. There have been numerous other issues, but these were the most recent. Things have been settled between us, for the most part. She respected my requests and things have been pretty smooth. Fast forward to today.
My daughter (15) was getting ready for my mother-in-law to pick her up. My MIL asked to take my daughter to dinner, and we said “yes”. My birthday and Valentine’s day are coming up, so my daughter and I were talking about that as she got ready. My daughter was talking about how I would love the birthday present she had purchased for me when my MIL had taken her out shopping last month. My daughter decided to use a gift card that she was given as a gift to buy me a birthday present. Then my daughter said this: “Grandma said that I should get an allowance every week and I shouldn’t use gift cards I am given to buy presents. I told Grandma that I don’t need an allowance. Grandma said 'That’s because your parents are brainwashing you.'” I responded with: “She used the term ‘brainwashing’?”. My daughter said “yes”. I’m not looking for advice for or against allowance for children or teens. We don’t give our daughter an allowance for reasons that don’t pertain to the advice I am seeking. Additionally, my daughter is honest; this is something I could reasonably conclude my MIL would say. I think my daughter thought I would laugh this statement off. I don’t think she realized how seriously I would take it. What I want advice on is the following:
-Should I address this statement with my mother-in-law?
-How should I address it? What should I say?
I’m angry. There have been issues in the past with my MIL bad-mouthing my husband or me in front of my daughter. There have also been past issues with parenting decisions we make. For example, she was totally against our decision to homeschool. Another example, my daughter is anxious to get her learner’s permit but my MIL is vehemently against it and saying that the roads are too dangerous and she will get in an accident.
My husband brought up an interesting point, as well. He didn’t get an allowance as a kid. Was she brainwashing him? He got a paper route to pay for the things he wanted.
