So, life sucks, right now. And it has for a while.
I'm in college, away from my family. I realize now that I'm super duper not straight. I'm always sad, and beating myself up, and just not functionally at the capacity God wanted me to.
And the worst thing is, I can't ask God for help. I know He might if I let Him, but I just feel so...ungracious everytime I do so. I know that prayer without faith is just sorta nagging God, instead of legitimately asking for it. And my faith is so dead, and it has been forever. Like, who am I to ask God to save my from temptation when I openly expose myself to it? I don't know.
Some people say I'm not even really Christian at this point, because I don't trust Him. And I'm worried about that. Everyone says homosexuals can't get to Heaven (me), everyone says people who have mental illness can't get to Heaven (me), everyone says people who commit suicide can't get to Heaven (statistically speaking, that'll probably be me too), and some people even say feminine guys or masculine girls can't get to Heaven (feminine guy, right here, what's up?). So....yeah, I'm living in fear that even though I love God (that I know is true. I cling and cry and beg and plead for Him to love me back), that I may not be "saved enough" to go to Heaven...and...and it's hard to trust God when you fear He'll throw you into the fire even if you gave everything you have, your future, your dreams, your everything, to Him.
Really scared, really lost, really tired, and really in need of someone who will just...listen. (Of course God listens, but it sometimes is hard to remember that He pays attention too)
Thanks for reading. Loves