[PERMANENTLY CLOSED] I am an 18 yr old Christian and this much older man really likes me -?

AngelhairFlowingthere said:

I just think that he misinterpreted my acts of kindness as something they were not... it has happened before... otherwise why are these men at church doing these things? I am quiet and shy, it's not like I throw myself at anyone.
So I think I know why it happened and to be more assertive next time.
Thanks guys!

Click to expand...

You have a sensitive spirit and what you are experiencing may be spiritual discernment which tends to sense things or gets a bad gut feeling when they are exposed to something scary, morally wrong, or against the Spirit of God which resides within them.
Being spiritually sensitive/discerning means being able to sense when an untrustworthy person is around, or even sense a spirit of darkness or sin in another. It's something to treasure and acknowledge.

1 Corinthians 12 tells us that God distributes His gifts to the whole body so that all things are supplied. This may be your gift. For every gift there is a temptation to sin which in this case is the temptation to judge or misjudge others. Otoh spiritually sensitive people can nurture and compassionately empathize with the hurting and needy.

The point of discernment is for the purpose of prayer and can develope into a mighty intersessory ministry. Discernment, once developed, easily recognizes the Word of God also and what is not. This gift is also meant to warn the rest of us who are often times oblivious and lacking discernment. Keep in mind that not everyone has the same sensitivites as you do.

Develope good habits, set wise boundaries and protect the purity of mind. The more you are in the Word and not exposed to worldly philosophies or sins as being acceptable, the more you will notice that your convictions are formed by Scripture.

So that meek and gentile spirit is really a blessing and gift, not something that needs to be changed but needs to develope. God bless.

You have issues with setting boundaries. The only reason why he is acting that way is because you allow it. You even give him encouragement by hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. You need to tell him that you are sorry if you gave him any inclination of attraction but that you are uncomfortable with his subtle advances. Regardless, you need to stop letting him be all over you if that is not what you want. Only you can fix this problem so tell him next time because church shouldn't be a place to worry about old men and their physical advances.

bia said:

You have issues with setting boundaries. The only reason why he is acting that way is because you allow it. You even give him encouragement by hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. You need to tell him that you are sorry if you gave him any inclination of attraction but that you are uncomfortable with his subtle advances. Regardless, you need to stop letting him be all over you if that is not what you want. Only you can fix this problem so tell him next time because church shouldn't be a place to worry about old men and their physical advances.

Click to expand...

This.

Snip:

Catherineanne said:

No, this is a variant of victim blaming, and simply won't do.

When older men groom girls and young women they don't start by committing indecent acts. They start with a smile one week, a smile and a hello the next week, a smile, a hello and a touch on the arm the next.

For weeks and weeks the behaviour is so close to normal that the only person who feels that something is wrong is the target, but when she tries to work out why she can't find any single action that is inappropriate. It is the pattern of repeated targettings, building slowly into something else that is the problem. And along the way no single thing that is quite out of order, but a whole pattern that certainly is, so that the response to any challenge can be that the young woman is imagining it, or oversensitive or, worst of all, she started it/wanted it/encouraged it. If any of those responses arise then you can guarantee you have a man grooming a woman for abuse. In contrast a genuinely innocent but perhaps over-touchy man will be mortified when challenged; he will apologise through the priest and then not go near the young person again. If he comes near the young person again, even to apologise, this is out of order.

This grooming only works with young people who are not experienced enough to realise what is happening, or what their own reaction ought to be. How can they possibly know how to deal with a creep until they meet one? Schools won't teach this stuff; it has to be experienced for ourselves.

Click to expand...

Yeah I had a guy at my job do this to me, a customer. I felt odd about this person after a little while of his coming around to our store because he would always find me. It wasn't anything I could really put my finger on, which does make it hard to complain to supervisors or anyone that something is off. I still talked about it to my managers, but again it is so subtle what these creeps do that I didn't even realize it myself at first. Then it did escalate a bit (him inviting me to his house, ME a MARRIED WOMAN!) and boy I sure put a stop to it. Next time he came in, no nice talking, no nothing, basically very clearly giving the "get away and stay away from me" message. Acted very cold and dismissive. It sure did work!! I admit I've never dealt with a creeper like this before (previously have only had one-liner creepy comments and such, but a one time thing). This was gradual and repeatedly at my job. These creeps know just what they are doing. You have worded it so well what I couldn't quite put into words.

To the OP, don't worry about his feelings, he is clearly a creeper who has done this before, and clearly he is not concerned about YOUR feelings. I am glad you are getting help for this. Do not feel even remotely bad about giving the cold shoulder, he deserves it. You need to worry about keeping yourself safe in situations like this.

AngelhairFlowingthere said:

Have you read my other comments? Kissing and hugging on the cheek is tradition in my church, and I thought he was lonely and needed some friendly affection in a daughterly way. However it changed to kisses on the neck etc and I was too intimidated because I felt like I was imagining things or I was judging him wrong. My spirit is sensitive, and I often get sucked in by wanting to comfort the lonely and sad. I made a misjudgment.

Click to expand...

The problem started when you didn't tell him to stop as soon as he crossed your boundaries for friendly or "daughterly" affection and that's why it hasn't stopped. You assumed he needed affection but on what basis? Because he looked lonely? We can look many thing to someone but it is established on the contingency based upon our projected needs/desires. You wanting to comfort others is the reason you saw a "comfort need" in that man and when he responded to your affection you saw it as something pure and he saw it as something other than your intent. You need to gain the confidence to tell him to stop or it will continue to progress. If you truly have the need to comfort others, begin with yourself.

bia said:

The problem started when you didn't tell him to stop as soon as he crossed your boundaries for friendly or "daughterly" affection and that's why it hasn't stopped. You assumed he needed affection but on what basis? Because he looked lonely? We can look many thing to someone but it is established on the contingency based upon our projected needs/desires. You wanting to comfort others is the reason you saw a "comfort need" in that man and when he responded to your affection you saw it as something pure and he saw it as something other than your intent. You need to gain the confidence to tell him to stop or it will continue to progress. If you truly have the need to comfort others, begin with yourself.

Click to expand...

This.

We need to remember, she is 18. She is young, she is bound to make mistakes in life. Are you saying that you did not make mistakes when you were her age. Stop making her out to be the perpetrator in this. We need to remember that she came to us for advice and some here are making this guy out to be the victim. She came to us asking how to make it stop. Some have offered all kinds of good advice, lets offer her the support she needs. Making this young lady out to be the perpetrator in this is just plain wrong. While maybe a little naïve and maybe this church needs to get its priorities in order about what is appropriate and not appropriate, we cannot condemn her for the actions of this man and other men in this church. I remember a time and many churches are still this way, men and women have prayer together but when it comes to Bible Study men and women are separated. Also many churches greet each other with a simple hand shake and nothing more, including that of the kids because this way they also learn what is acceptable in the church.

This attitude that I speak of has even carried through to the home life. I will hug my Mom, but will only shake hands with my Dad, brother, sister, their kids and spouses. I will only shake hands with any of my wife's relatives, it drives them nuts but it is what we do and how we were raised. My mother-in-law doesn't agree and it took her many years to get used to it, but it is the way it is in our family. My wife will only hug her Mom and shake hands with the rest of her relatives and mine now because she now understands why we do things this way and she too agrees why we don't hug people as it could cause improper touching, whether by accident or on purpose. It protects us and our children in our homes and in public.

in the Bible it says its not good for a man to touch a woman.
He should only do this if she is his wife.
And this is in the NT not OT.

In our youth program we have been teaching our kids proper etiquette when it comes to proper manners in public, to introducing each other to other couples, to where a man should walk when walking on a sidewalk with a woman, to properly opening a door, to a proper greeting, and the list goes on. The reason we are doing this is because we have seen so many kids not being taught these things in the home, whether it be because Mom or Dad themselves don't know them or they themselves have forgotten them or maybe because the schools are no longer teaching this type of information.

Lets discuss this last one for a moment, a man should only shake a woman's hand (or young lady) providing she has extended hers first. If there is no extension, then everything is to be kept verbal...no physical contact. If the person is elderly or has arthritis, then never give a firm handshake, only give as much pressure as they are giving or keep it to verbal communication only. You never want to cause the elderly or a person with arthritis any type of pain.

So we are trying to re-introduce what has been, in a lot of ways, lost or forgotten. These kids are our future, if we don't teach them etiquette who will.

This may seem off topic, but when you look at what is going on in the OP church, she describes it as being the normal thing to do. I wanted to show that it may be normal in that church, but it is not normal in all churches and in fact I would hazard a guess and say very few churches are like that. When we see what we are teaching our kids about etiquette, it is showing them what is appropriate and not appropriate as we also show them a bad example at the same time of inappropriate behavior and ask them how many of them have acted or done this. This gives them the chance to change their ways. You would be surprised how many parents have commented over the past year how much their kids have changed for the better from what they have learned about good behavior and what is expected in public. Mom and Dad are no longer having to remind them constantly, please don't embarrass me in this place.

Now you may be saying, but that is not the case here. But think about it, if people were taught in that church the way we are teaching in ours for example what is expected then this whole thing might not have happened. Sure, it still could have because you have this young lady with a kind and gentle spirit here and things can be taken the wrong way by mistake. But this guy is 50+ years old and should know way better than this by now what is appropriate behavior and what is not.