I am feeling full of resentment today as my almost 85 year old mother needs me more and more everyday as she has several health issues as should be expected. I take her to all of her doctor appts, do 90% of her yard work, take her back and forth to the cemetery when she wants to put flowers on my dad’s grave, have to drop everything when she has minor emergencies like not being able to figure why her tv won’t work or why a light bulb keeps blowing, etc.
I have one younger sister who lives 150 miles away and does NOTHING to be of help. She has kids ranging in age from 12 to 17 and she babysits three days a week. In her mind she’s too busy to come to town and be involved in my moms life. When my kids were younger and I worked a full time job and one of my folks had an emergency, I was expected to drop everything and be there for them. She has never had to sit in a waiting room while my dad went thru major surgeries and spent several times in the ER the last several months of his life. She’s never had to take my mom to the doc. I’ve always been the giver and she’s always been the taker. When there has been an emergency it’s been my job to let her know and give her updates. She lets five and six weeks go by between her conversations with my mom and then mom has to do the reaching out. I’m expected to call and check on my mom every day. I told my sister almost a month ago that I thought it would be nice if she start coming to town for the day once a week at least over the summer because my mom would never ask. She hasn’t come yet. Last week I suggested to my mom that she ask my sister to come to town last night so that she could take her to the doc today. My mom wouldn’t hear of that! She said sister knows nothing of her medical condition or her history with the doc. She said she’d go by herself rather than ask sister if I was going to wash my hands of it. I tried to get her to understand that sister is the one washing her hands. I asked her why she gets a pass to not take any responsibility in caring for her, since we are both her daughters. She didn’t have an answer for that.
I realize that my sister is never going to change and that I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I can change the way I relate to her. I think I’m going to mention to her one more time that I need some help and that if she can’t swing that then our relationship is going to change drastically. I won’t tell her exactly what I mean but my days of having her family over two or three times a year for holiday meals will end. I will no longer be willing to bring my mom to a halfway point so sister can see her for mother’s day or her birthday, and I don’t think I will feel obligated to keep her posted on moms medical condition. I hate admitting that I feel this way. I am very thankful to have lived so close to my folks all these years and that I can be available for my mom. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Venting over!
I have one younger sister who lives 150 miles away and does NOTHING to be of help. She has kids ranging in age from 12 to 17 and she babysits three days a week. In her mind she’s too busy to come to town and be involved in my moms life. When my kids were younger and I worked a full time job and one of my folks had an emergency, I was expected to drop everything and be there for them. She has never had to sit in a waiting room while my dad went thru major surgeries and spent several times in the ER the last several months of his life. She’s never had to take my mom to the doc. I’ve always been the giver and she’s always been the taker. When there has been an emergency it’s been my job to let her know and give her updates. She lets five and six weeks go by between her conversations with my mom and then mom has to do the reaching out. I’m expected to call and check on my mom every day. I told my sister almost a month ago that I thought it would be nice if she start coming to town for the day once a week at least over the summer because my mom would never ask. She hasn’t come yet. Last week I suggested to my mom that she ask my sister to come to town last night so that she could take her to the doc today. My mom wouldn’t hear of that! She said sister knows nothing of her medical condition or her history with the doc. She said she’d go by herself rather than ask sister if I was going to wash my hands of it. I tried to get her to understand that sister is the one washing her hands. I asked her why she gets a pass to not take any responsibility in caring for her, since we are both her daughters. She didn’t have an answer for that.
I realize that my sister is never going to change and that I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I can change the way I relate to her. I think I’m going to mention to her one more time that I need some help and that if she can’t swing that then our relationship is going to change drastically. I won’t tell her exactly what I mean but my days of having her family over two or three times a year for holiday meals will end. I will no longer be willing to bring my mom to a halfway point so sister can see her for mother’s day or her birthday, and I don’t think I will feel obligated to keep her posted on moms medical condition. I hate admitting that I feel this way. I am very thankful to have lived so close to my folks all these years and that I can be available for my mom. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Venting over!
... sigh.
