Loveless

Lovethisjourney · May 29, 2015

Before I was saved, I was a monster. I can't tell you how terrible I was. To say I drank heavily would be a gross understatement. I also used drugs (marijuana, cocaine, meth) and lied to everyone in my life about everything (everything!) for as long as I can remember.

I overthink things, I am obsessive and full of self-condemnation. If I heard someone talking to someone else the way I talk to myself, I would be appalled. I also hurt myself. I started cutting myself when I was 11 years old. I don't cut myself anymore, but I do slap myself often. I hate myself. I also have several suicide attempts in my history. I was life flighted from my home town because of one.

God saved me about a year ago. I've been clean and sober for this year, but I'm finding I struggle with so much other stuff. I've been a hateful, angry, delusional hypocrite and now that I'm saved, I still deal with a lot of that. I judge people and lie to myself. I just need some help, and I feel like I'm drowning.

I want to be right with God. I want to be obedient. I want to be used of God. I want to love Him. I want to receive His love. I don't know how. I feel like I'm a waste of His grace.

I haven't posted on here in awhile, but thank you for reading and if you would pray for me, I would be very grateful.

suzeequeue · May 29, 2015

sweetie, you are a dear and much loved child of the King... He's still working on you (and the rest of us). love in Christ.

:prayer:

RitaKay · May 29, 2015

Continue to daily focus on the Lord and feed your spirit-man with the good things of life, such as good thoughts, kindnesses unto others, reading and or doing edifying to yourself. The more you focus on Him, in time, the negative things that you struggle with will begin to not be fore-most in your life and will take a shelf. Just some thoughts of mine. At any rate, thank you for sharing. God does love you. We all are in process of becoming renewed through Him. :angel:

servant of Merciful Love · May 29, 2015

Welcome to CF :wave:

Thank you for sharing your journey ~ the Lord has begun a great work in you :oldthumbsup:

I pray your time here is blessed ~ HE will lead the way :pray:

Fortran · May 29, 2015

Praying for you.

suzeequeue · May 29, 2015

continued prayers, dear one :prayer:

rockytopva · May 30, 2015

Praying for deliverance and a spiritual anointing in the name of Jesus.

Also taking these needs before the Lord in the 4AM BBNRadio.org Family Altar Program

Pink Spider · May 30, 2015

Continuing to Pray!
May the Lord bless you!

LoricaLady · May 30, 2015

When people turn their lives over to Messiah they don't get (as far as I've ever seen anyway) all fixed up in one big burst of light. The great news is that your conscience is alive and well. You hate your sins! You want to be free! You want to be an overcomer and you can certainly do that, step by step, through turning things over step by step, humble and heart felt prayer by humble and heart felt prayer to Messiah. "The battle is" His, as the Bible tells us.

I know from my own struggles with sin that if one fights and makes all kinds of resolutions and plans to overcome them, there might be success for a day or maybe even a week, then...failure. But when we don't try, when we give up, when we truly, truly, from the heart, turn it over to Messiah, we get freedom.

Again, this doesn't generally happen all at once. When the Israelites were told to go into the Promised Land they were also told that "little by little" Abba would drive out the giants before them. We have giants of different kinds. No doubt the giants could have been wiped out fast, say with a plague or something. But I personally think Abba wanted them to hang around for awhile because in that way the Israelites wouldn't get cocky, but would have to keep prayerfully turning to Him, with realism about how much they needed Him, with progress made, therefore, in getting closer and closer to Him.

Praying for patience and persistence in prayer, and a spirit of submitting it all to the One Who came to set you free.

Lovethisjourney · May 30, 2015

Thank you all so much.

God has delivered me from so much, but the day to day grind of life is so hard for me. I have been self-medicating and numbing myself for so long that I have no coping skills and no way to deal with anything.

I am trying to turn things over to Him, I'm trying to forgive, and own up to everything I used to do, and everything I used to be, but (sorry for the caps) I DON'T KNOW HOW TO.

Thank you all again.

servant of Merciful Love · May 30, 2015

You'll get there...one day at a time with His Love and grace :oldthumbsup:

We must learn to trust more in His Mercy than in our weakness :angel:

suzeequeue · May 30, 2015

lifting you in prayer to our blessed Lord Jesus :prayer:

friend, i don't know if it will help you or not, or perhaps you already listen, but i started listening to Christian radio in the late 1980s... it truly is a blessing, helps to keep one focused, and i have learned much more about the Bible, even though i had already been studying it for many years when i started listening. just a thought.

a couple of members here at CF recommend the BBN, and i have listened and enjoy it very much. i'm listening to it right now

. the other one i listen to is called BOTT radio network. both of these can be listened to on-line. they are not contemporary Christian music stations, but preachers and talk radio... very edifying. God's continued blessings on you dear.

Lovethisjourney · May 31, 2015

Hey there. I wanted to update you all on how things are going. I was able to do some very hard things yesterday that I'd been putting off because of fear. I came clean to some people that I lied to about a lot of things in the past and a huge burden has lifted off of me. I feel peaceful, and so grateful to have been enabled by God to choose Him and His will for my life over my fear. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

tturt · Jun 1, 2015

LoveThisjourney, you know as believers we can rely on G_d and His Word. You could think on this Scripture:

Jesus said - "I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me."

Based on this John 17:23 Scripture, Patricia King = We all know that the Father loves His son. You know, He loves Jesus so perfectly. As the Lord loves Him – that’s how much He loves you. You might think He can’t because I can’t be perfect like Jesus. God doesn’t love Jesus because He’s perfect, He loves Jesus because Jesus is His son. That’s why God loves Jesus and He loves you the same way. He loves you the same way He loves Jesus because you are His child. The Father Himself loves you”

Lovethisjourney · Jun 2, 2015

Thank you. That is good to know but hard to remember at times

Goodbook · Jun 2, 2015

Perfect love casts out fear.
Praying for you.

Lily76_ · Jun 3, 2015

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

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