What happens in a divorce?

Goodbook said:

Im sorry which wife? Number one or two?
See, thats why im confused. Which one is your wife?

As said before, if it was adultery, then of course, Jesus said divorce is permittable. And one can marry again.

Did wife number one marry the one she cheated with?

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Wife #1 Cheated & though not quickly, eventually married the man she cheated with. Wife of the present and future has been very good to me and I to her. We are very happy in our marriage. I'd go so far as to say the cheating of wife #1 was a blessing to me, because as painful as it was. . . it got me out of that marriage. Wife #1 was in no appreciable manner better than Wife #2. Wife number 2 is like straight out of Proverbs 31. . . she isn't just a better wife than most, or a better woman, she is one of the best human beings I have ever heard of & it is a privilege to witness how awesome a wife, how awesome a mother, how awesome a friend to those in need, how caring, how thoughtful. . . whoa. . . . I could go on and on. I am so blessed & it couldn't of happened if my first wife hadn't cheated. . . because I never would.

Goodbook said:

So what is divorce about then? You just cant love each other? Even though you got married and promised to? You vowed before God but you just cant do it anymore? Is that it?

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Divorce is most often about the two spouses and rarely has anything at all do do with the children (unless it's a situation where there is abuse or one spouse no longer wants the responsibility of caring for the children, as in the case with my ex). Even still, when it is about the spouses, sometimes after years and years, it's evident that they grow apart, or they want to pursue different goals, or maybe they discover they were not really a good match to begin with but married for their chemistry. There are a million reasons why people get divorced.

As well, when you think about love, people define it differently. While everyone would agree that love is always right, not everyone will agree on what that looks like in various situations. One spouse might think it is "loving" to control the finances and pay all the bills so the other spouse does not have to worry about it. But the other spouse might think that is not loving at all because they are being kept in the dark about their state of finances. This could become a source of contention - both think they are loving, but neither is experiencing the love of the other.

This is also what I mean by "irreconcilable differences" where they have tried to resolve regular issues and have been unsuccessful and it has become a painful thorn in the marriage where one or both have become resentful and/or contemptuous. This is what the Bible talks about when it refers to hardened hearts.

Married people sometimes grow apart. In the case of my marriage I realized it and tried to reestablish a connection, but he was too far gone in his own self absorption. He was going through a tough time adjusting to his health issues and I finnaly realized I didn't matter to him any more. I asked for the divorce. The hard part was the kids at first, but we've worked through that. Was it always amicable? No. Is it kinder now? Yes. Sometimes people get married too fast for the wrong reasons and stay together in misery and sulleness. That's nothing to teach your kids, they need to see a loving relationship so when its time for them to marry they'll make a good one. As for talking to anyone about it don't be awkward. Just let them mention the split. If they don't then don't bring it up yourself treat them like normal because they are probably sick to death of the speculation anyway.

Goodbook said:

Ok, but with divorce court isnt that like finding out if one party IS GUILTY? of adultery???

And thats why they need to divorce to protect the other spouse and as the one that cheated has to pay, like parenting costs or alimony? And custody of children? The children cant be with an abusive parent after all.

Thats why I dont understand why a mother or dad would split up and let the child stay with the other spouse if that spouse had been unfaithful and actually didnt want to take responisbility and be a loving parent anymore, if they cant even love their own spouse, how can they love their children??? They dont want to be with their spouse anymore, but they let their children be with them? They could be open to abuse. The new partner, like the step parent could molest their children. Ive heard of that happening...many children had step dads or mums that treated them really bad.

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With some of the comments your making I think we need to know a bit more about you. Your understanding of things is very strange.

Birth parents can also be abusive so should we just ban people from having kids? Of course not. Plenty of step parents are good to their step children. One person I used to work with has their step child living with them (at the childs request) even though she and the childs father divorced a number of years ago. Once again your coming across as very judgemental.

Goodbook said:

Can you give me an example of irreconcialable differences?

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Sure. "I'm just not cut out for marriage so I'm leaving." There is nothing you can do if one person just decides they want out. Suggesting counselling doesn't work because they have made up their mind.

I guess the bottom line is this. If you haven't been married or in a long term relationship its going to be hard for you to understand why people don't stay together sometimes. I will make this clear though I think divorce is a last resort. Could my marriage have been saved? Maybe? Do I consider myself a Christian? Yes. I've made amends to my ex for any hatefulness I had towards him in the marriage. Would I go back to him? Absolutely not we were not a good match. But we are friends now and that is what counts for our kids. Will I marry again? I don't know. All I can do is seek God's will for my life and live the way He expects me to...which means not passing judgment on anyone that finds themselves in a similar situation.

Goodbook said:

we not jewish/isrealites here.

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Many of us from the Messianic Jewish community ARE Jewish.

Mister_Al said:

You say that is not what Jesus Said. Well, then what DID Jesus say? In every scripture I found in the Bible where Jesus talks about divorce He says sexual immorality. How can you say "more than likely" he used a certain word without offering up scripture from the Bible, or other accepted source, to show what He 'could have' said.

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I did. Deut 24.1. The whole passage he was quoting from the LAW. That word "ervah" is what is in the Law concerning divorce.

Do you accept Deuteronomy as being an "accepted source?"

sisbarn70 said:

I guess the bottom line is this. If you haven't been married or in a long term relationship its going to be hard for you to understand why people don't stay together sometimes.

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On one hand that is true. OTOH, many put their theology into such a tight theoretical and legalistic stance that real life situations are irrelevant. In doing so they completly lose the compassion of the Father and trample underfoot our Lord's humanity.

IN an extreme example - a few years back I was reading one "teacher's" offering on the divorce/remarriage issue. He was of the opinion that divorce did not exist and pretty much any sexual contact equated to marriage. So he was asked about a girl who had been sexually abused. He said she was already married to the abuser and if he was a relative or already married she could never marry EVER. His scriptural backing was the story of David's daughter Tamar who was raped by her brother Amnon and lived out her life with a different brother, Absolom. Talk about making a law out of an anecdote.

Goodbook said:

How were gentiles supposed to know, since we dont even speak hebrew?

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Well maybe ask the ones that know Hebrew. Paul explained it for gentiles but that some churches/ leaders say you have to stay with abuse that's so bad that a woman got killed, they're just too proud to ask a Jewish brother what the text really says.