Insecurity

[Undeserving.d]

Hi! I'm a 30-something mother of 4 and I've been married for 13 years. I came into this marriage with insecurities, low self esteem and a low level of self worth. No person is to blame and that is something I must work out within myself.
Early in our marriage, my husband had issues with inappropriate contentography and keeping it secret from me. He's had issues with staring at women in lustful ways. I voiced my concerns and pray about it constantly. From my knowledge he has not viewed that trash in several years. I continue to pray. However, the wandering eye has not ceased. I worry that a lustful seed will flourish into something more. Of course, my inner issues have not improved; rather opposite.
I lost 50lbs thinking that would satisfy my husbands desires. I don't deny him sexually. But I still feel unworthy, disgusting and undeserving. These feelings never go away. Sometimes these feelings become dark thoughts, but my kids are what keep me from acting on those thoughts.
Conversations with my husband about these issues usually end with the blame on me. I know I have issues to sort out, but I wish I had someone to support me through it all.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just someone to listen, but I needed to write because I have no one else.

 

[tall73]

Hi! I'm a 30-something mother of 4 and I've been married for 13 years. I came into this marriage with insecurities, low self esteem and a low level of self worth. No person is to blame and that is something I must work out within myself.
Early in our marriage, my husband had issues with inappropriate contentography and keeping it secret from me. He's had issues with staring at women in lustful ways. I voiced my concerns and pray about it constantly. From my knowledge he has not viewed that trash in several years. I continue to pray. However, the wandering eye has not ceased. I worry that a lustful seed will flourish into something more. Of course, my inner issues have not improved; rather opposite.
I lost 50lbs thinking that would satisfy my husbands desires. I don't deny him sexually. But I still feel unworthy, disgusting and undeserving. These feelings never go away. Sometimes these feelings become dark thoughts, but my kids are what keep me from acting on those thoughts.
Conversations with my husband about these issues usually end with the blame on me. I know I have issues to sort out, but I wish I had someone to support me through it all.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just someone to listen, but I needed to write because I have no one else.

When you say conversations with your husband end up with blame on you...he blames you for his looking at women? Or for the self esteem concerns?

He is to blame for looking at women.
He is also to blame for not being considerate of you.

As to the self-esteem issue, that is understandable given his past actions. However, what does he say about you? Does he say he finds you attractive? If so I would believe him. He needs to cease his behavior that is sinful, regardless of your feelings about it one way or the other.

Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Having said that, it reflects on his willingness to cause you pain by not stopping it, but it may not reflect on your attractiveness at all. Men are capable of being attracted to various women. Otherwise they would not be tempted to look at all the women they encounter in the first place. So he may find you very attractive. And he also finds the next woman very attractive, etc. But his willingness to look at all the "next" attractive woman is a sin against God's will and against you.

Also as to losing 50 pounds to satisfy his desires, his desires are based on lust and a past of inappropriate contentography does not help that. inappropriate contentography is all about novel images. He could look at 50 pictures of "perfect" looking women and be bored of them and want something new. It is not an issue of your attractiveness. If you wish to lose weight for health reasons (assuming that you are not underweight), that is commendable.

If these conversations come up again, assuming he is a Christian, cite this verse and let him know that it is sinful and hurts you when this happens, and you want it to stop.

Finally, your self-worth is not dependent on any person. Jesus loved you enough to die for your sins and call you to be a part of His family. You may not feel you have worth, but the King of the Universe put such value on you that He sent His Son to die in your place so that you could be with Him.

It is hard to have that perspective sometimes, but that is more real than the "real-world" comparisons we sometimes make.

 

[Undeserving.d]

When you say conversations with your husband end up with blame on you...he blames you for his looking at women? Or for the self esteem concerns?

He is to blame for looking at women.
He is also to blame for not being considerate of you.

As to the self-esteem issue, that is understandable given his past actions. However, what does he say about you? Does he say he finds you attractive? If so I would believe him. He needs to cease his behavior that is sinful, regardless of your feelings about it one way or the other.

Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Having said that, it reflects on his willingness to cause you pain by not stopping it, but it may not reflect on your attractiveness at all. Men are capable of being attracted to various women. Otherwise they would not be tempted to look at all the women they encounter in the first place. So he may find you very attractive. And he also finds the next woman very attractive, etc. But his willingness to look at all the "next" attractive woman is a sin against God's will and against you.

Also as to losing 50 pounds to satisfy his desires, his desires are based on lust and a past of inappropriate contentography does not help that. inappropriate contentography is all about novel images. He could look at 50 pictures of "perfect" looking women and be bored of them and want something new. It is not an issue of your attractiveness. If you wish to lose weight for health reasons (assuming that you are not underweight), that is commendable.

If these conversations come up again, assuming he is a Christian, cite this verse and let him know that it is sinful and hurts you when this happens, and you want it to stop.

Finally, your self-worth is not dependent on any person. Jesus loved you enough to die for your sins and call you to be a part of His family. You may not feel you have worth, but the King of the Universe put such value on you that He sent His Son to die in your place so that you could be with Him.

It is hard to have that perspective sometimes, but that is more real than the "real-world" comparisons we sometimes make.

He blames my insecurities when I notice him staring. That it's my problem. Usually he denies it. At times he says he doesn't realize he's doing it.

He is Christian. We're active in church. We do daily devotional with our kids and just the two of us before bed. He always reminds our kids to repent of their sins. Even those we aren't sure we made. It's as though he thinks he can continue the same sin, but repent on it later and be okay in God's eyes.

I lost the weight because I thought it's what he wanted. That he would find me more desirable than others. He has always said he finds me attractive, but I find it hard to believe because of his sinful behavior.

Thank you for such kind words. It is hard. I just need to continuously remind myself that God loves me!

 

[tall73]

He blames my insecurities when I notice him staring. That it's my problem. Usually he denies it. At times he says he doesn't realize he's doing it.

So essentially he is saying he was not actually looking at them in that way?

Does he stare off at things besides women often? Probably not I would guess, but I don't know him.

He is Christian. We're active in church. We do daily devotional with our kids and just the two of us before bed. He always reminds our kids to repent of their sins. Even those we aren't sure we made. It's as though he thinks he can continue the same sin, but repent on it later and be okay in God's eyes.

I lost the weight because I thought it's what he wanted. That he would find me more desirable than others. He has always said he finds me attractive, but I find it hard to believe because of his sinful behavior.

Attempting to make yourself more desirable than others is a losing battle. Someone dead set on lust is not going to think of it in those terms.

He needs to change his behavior to only focus on you, and then you will be plenty attractive, as was intended. And he will have the peace of mind that there is no guilt in the legitimate intimacy between husband and wife, as there is in inappropriate contentography and wandering eyes. If he is comparing you to others, he is already on the wrong track. And if you are comparing you to others, you are playing into that thinking.

 

[Undeserving.d]

So essentially he is saying he was not actually looking at them in that way?

Does he stare off at things besides women often? Probably not I would guess, but I don't know him.



Attempting to make yourself more desirable than others is a losing battle. Someone dead set on lust is not going to think of it in those terms.

He needs to change his behavior to only focus on you, and then you will be plenty attractive, as was intended. And he will have the piece of mind that there is no guilt in the legitimate intimacy between husband and wife, as there is in inappropriate contentography and wandering eyes. If he is comparing you to others, he is already on the wrong track. And if you are comparing you to others, you are playing into that thinking.

I never thought of it that way. That makes sense. I guess, in a way I'm condoning the behavior... I'm trying to transform myself into what he wants. It's ultimately a waste of time.

He says he doesn't look with a lustful heart. Defining lust as wanting something from them. But that he doesn't just finds the woman is attractive.

 

[tall73]

I never thought of it that way. That makes sense. I guess, in a way I'm condoning the behavior... I'm trying to transform myself into what he wants. It's ultimately a waste of time.

He says he doesn't look with a lustful heart. Defining lust as wanting something from them. But that he doesn't just finds the woman is attractive.

Finding them attractive is a natural response of the body. Deciding to take some time to look at them is a choice of the mind.

He needs to stop making that choice.

 

[DZoolander]

I'm not trying to be a pain in the butt...but I always wonder about things when I read posts like this.

What exactly is it that he does? Like say hypothetically you were in a restaurant with your husband and a really hot waitress was serving you.

Clearly it's polite to look at your server as you talk to them.

Does he do more than that? Would he stare at her after she walked away? Is it more of a glance, or more of a prolonged oggling? What does he do?

 

[tall73]

I'm not trying to be a pain in the butt...but I always wonder about things when I read posts like this.

What exactly is it that he does? Like say hypothetically you were in a restaurant with your husband and a really hot waitress was serving you.

Clearly it's polite to look at your server as you talk to them.

Does he do more than that? Would he stare at her after she walked away? Is it more of a glance, or more of a prolonged oggling? What does he do?

There is a chance that it is just a glance. Per her report the husband thinks she is being insecure.

But so far her description was that he is looking, she calls him on it, and he says it is not lust, just appreciation of beauty.

Usually a glance does not involve taking time to appreciate beauty. And usually someone who was just glancing wouldn't come up with the excuse of appreciating beauty, they would just say "what do you mean, I just glanced at her for a second." Or "well of course I looked at her, she was taking my food order", etc.

As the reported words of the husband were trying to pass it off as something similar to an art gallery, I think it may not be just a glance. But there is nothing wrong with getting more information about the behavior.

 

[Undeserving.d]

I'm not trying to be a pain in the butt...but I always wonder about things when I read posts like this.

What exactly is it that he does? Like say hypothetically you were in a restaurant with your husband and a really hot waitress was serving you.

Clearly it's polite to look at your server as you talk to them.

Does he do more than that? Would he stare at her after she walked away? Is it more of a glance, or more of a prolonged oggling? What does he do?

I know to most this is petty, but this has been an issue for 13+ years. I feel disrespected when he does it. There is no consideration for how it makes me feel. These insecurities I have only deepen each time he sees a beautiful woman. Maybe he just settled with me. Maybe I'm not enough.

Yes, it is more than glances. It's stares. His eyes will follow as the woman walks passes. Or he will turn completely to have a look. He admits he stares, but that it's not lustful. Still, doesn't help me feel any better about myself.

 

[johndoo]

Have you talked to a doctor or therapist about treatment for depression?
Please get appropriate care for yourself.

 

[tall73]

I know to most this is petty, but this has been an issue for 13+ years. I feel disrespected when he does it. There is no consideration for how it makes me feel. These insecurities I have only deepen each time he sees a beautiful woman. Maybe he just settled with me. Maybe I'm not enough.

Yes, it is more than glances. It's stares. His eyes will follow as the woman walks passes. Or he will turn completely to have a look. He admits he stares, but that it's not lustful. Still, doesn't help me feel any better about myself.

Ask him if his "non-lustful" appreciation of "art" is worth having a miserable spouse.

 

[tall73]

I know to most this is petty, but this has been an issue for 13+ years. .

It is not petty. And he was not trying to dismiss it. There are legitimate cases where it is not that he is really staring, but the wife is over-analyzing. They are rare. Usually a woman can tell pretty easily what is going on. And if he admits staring, that is not even a question anymore.

 

[DZoolander]

There's no such thing as "I can't help it". As a guy - I learned eye control quite a long time ago (for different reasons though). I found that in dating, girls didn't like it if you checked out other women and it was chalked up as a "good thing" if you didn't. So, I learned how to control my gaze. Later, it became sort of second nature.

If he's actually staring, tell him to knock it off. You don't like it, and other people are creeped out by it (most likely).

 

[Scott Schatzan]

Hello , I wanted to chime in I hope you dont mind.
Being a husband for few years myself I have had plenty of practice messing up. And in doing so I have learned some hard lessons.
And I can also tell you that my wife is a saint who not only had to deal with a disrespectful husband at one time but she loved me when I was unlovable. I made her feel the same way and she prayed for me. I was lost and she went to God and did not quit. I felt dead inside how could this beautiful woman love me.
When we were younger we may have argued and resented things that put walls between us. But this was different. Now I was looking at a woman who genuinely was showing me forgiveness and grace when there was none. I deserved nothing. And yet she had faith that god has a bigger plan. And she was right because dead as I was inside, I remember the day she came to me and said I just cant take it and I could feel the holy spirit telling me what I had to do. It may sound crazy but that moment I was aware of how important my wife and marriage are to God. And I repented and let go of our past fogave myself for failing my wife. I was different. I felt different and I am committed to God and my marriage. My is cherished today and I do respect her very much. Not perfect but I am a man. I put God first now and pray with my wife. I believe my wife saved from myself. And she brought me back to God by faith. She is my hero. Anyone willing to set aside there feelings and fight for there marriage when hope is lost can turn to Jesus and have victory.
The hope, joy and gratitude restored. I will pray for you and your husband. I believe you can overcome this.

 

[Undeserving.d]

Ask him if his "non-lustful" appreciation of "art" is worth having a miserable spouse.

It seems as if it is. I really appreciate your constant replies. It helps knowing I came talk to someone about this. I've never had anyone to talk to about it. I've always bottled it up and put a smile on my face. Thank you!

If he's actually staring, tell him to knock it off. You don't like it, and other people are creeped out by it (most likely).

If only it were that easy. This has been a constant. There are times when I don't notice at all and it isn't an issue. But that is few and far between.

Hello , I wanted to chime in I hope you dont mind.
Being a husband for few years myself I have had plenty of practice messing up. And in doing so I have learned some hard lessons.
And I can also tell you that my wife is a saint who not only had to deal with a disrespectful husband at one time but she loved me when I was unlovable. I made her feel the same way and she prayed for me. I was lost and she went to God and did not quit. I felt dead inside how could this beautiful woman love me.
When we were younger we may have argued and resented things that put walls between us. But this was different. Now I was looking at a woman who genuinely was showing me forgiveness and grace when there was none. I deserved nothing. And yet she had faith that god has a bigger plan. And she was right because dead as I was inside, I remember the day she came to me and said I just cant take it and I could feel the holy spirit telling me what I had to do. It may sound crazy but that moment I was aware of how important my wife and marriage are to God. And I repented and let go of our past fogave myself for failing my wife. I was different. I felt different and I am committed to God and my marriage. My is cherished today and I do respect her very much. Not perfect but I am a man. I put God first now and pray with my wife. I believe my wife saved from myself. And she brought me back to God by faith. She is my hero. Anyone willing to set aside there feelings and fight for there marriage when hope is lost can turn to Jesus and have victory.
The hope, joy and gratitude restored. I will pray for you and your husband. I believe you can overcome this.

Thank you! Your reply was very encouraging. If my husband was even ever remorseful, I would be happy. I only pray that my husband will see as you did and truly come to God and understand I was given to him for a reason. That is all I can do is pray. I know God will answer soon enough.

 

[tall73]

There may be a few things you could try if he is not repentant. But first, have you specifically read to him the above passage before? I would try that first. Sometimes the Scriptures themselves bring conviction, the words of Christ.

Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I would read it to him and make it clear this is not some little thing but a sin against God and against you.

If that doesn't work, you could consider:

a. Indicate that you will be involving the pastor of your church as this is a spiritual issue.

b. If you have a smartphone record him the next time you see him staring. Play it back for him and ask what it looks like.

By the way, does he have any history of threats or violence towards you? Some may react poorly to any of the above.

Are you sure he has quit the inappropriate content?

Is there any indication he is seeking sex outside the marriage?

 

[faith33]

I don't have any advice and don't know what to say. I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you I feel for you.

I will say a prayer for your situation.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

It seems as if it is. I really appreciate your constant replies. It helps knowing I came talk to someone about this. I've never had anyone to talk to about it. I've always bottled it up and put a smile on my face. Thank you!



If only it were that easy. This has been a constant. There are times when I don't notice at all and it isn't an issue. But that is few and far between.



Thank you! Your reply was very encouraging. If my husband was even ever remorseful, I would be happy. I only pray that my husband will see as you did and truly come to God and understand I was given to him for a reason. That is all I can do is pray. I know God will answer soon enough.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

View attachment 179845

 

[Edo]

I just wanted to add a few things to the discussion.

You said you have had self worth and self esteem issues before your marriage. Do those issues stem from anything?

Nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, nothing wrong with trying to please your husband. Love yourself enough though to want to do that for yourself. In esphians 5 29 it says for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherish it just as Christ does the church. Love yourself for who you are, a beautiful God fearing women. Try to see yourself as Christ does, and if he loves you the way you are then you should too, and do should your husband.

Remember you serve a god that loves you more than anyone here can. In Galatians 2 20 it says that we were crucified with Christ and that he now lives within us. That is where your self worth and self esteem should come from, Christ. You are a beautiful creation from God, believe that.

The staring is wrong, if you have a daughter and the next time the discussion comes up, maybe ask him how he would feel if someone looked at his daughter the way he looks at other women. Would he want her to be looked at as object of lust rather than a child of God?