I'll think about telling my family. My psychologist has been encouraging me to tell them too. You're right, it does estrange me from them, keeping it a secret. It's just I've always been burdening them something so I thought maybe this one I could handle on my own. I haven't committed suicide yet, or had an attempt. You're right, I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for getting schizophrenia, but who knows, maybe it's been a chance to grow. I'm a total coward. I'm afraid of everything. I can barely get in a car and drive it, and only when I have memorized the route already. I have always had trouble with judging others and myself. I just can't stop. I don't know, maybe i started hating myself because it made me feel better about myself. I'm not really sure anymore. I know I'm not supposed to hate, but it just seems like the hate is always there, someway and somehow. I know I really used to hate my mom, but I finally over years and after she changed got over it.
Hate is easy, and it comes quickly. It's easy to hold on to it, because for people who suffer, it's something they know. Many of them do hate themselves. I still sometimes do, I just know to pray and/or read the comforting words of Christ and let it go, give it away. I won't let it control myself anymore. But I know how it feels. It's "reliable". I used to find comfort in that. For example: many who have been bullied, start to have themselves. They feel like they're on the "right side" doing so, more safe, and it can feel comforting. But it's always a lie, and easy to swallow. Hate starts to demand. It always starts to demand hurt. Love forgives, shows grace and mercy, comforts and grows.
I'm a coward too. If I have to drive in a city, I become a nerve wreck. So I don't do it. I'm afraid of confronting strangers. I'm afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid of plenty of things. But I'm not a coward for not killing myself years ago. I was resilient, even though back then I would've laughed at that statement. I was carried, even if I didn't know it. I'm also not a coward for not acting on the stupidest impulses to hurt myself of others.
God didn't punish me with my illness, He helped me. I cried on my knees like a dead man, praying. And I thought He didn't hear me. Now I know He did.
God didn't punish my late aunt with her condition, she was severely handicapped through her whole life. It's just the way it was. I don't know why. DNA, bad luck. Not a punishment.
We got a savior, not a punisher or a mindless torturer. None of us can stand otherwise. He gave Himself for us, and He knows all of us, all the time. That is perfect love. We just have to accept it. And if we don't have the faith to accept or understand it, we pray for it. Like the tax collector in the temple. He didn't even know how to pray, he was ashamed, but he still asked for mercy. And Christ loved him. It's the heart that counts, where our treasure is. Not what we can do.
Our actions leave a lot to be desired. If we could achieve all the wisdoms and loves of God, we wouldn't have needed Christ in the first place. So God decided to give us His only Son, and give His love and grace freely. None of us are better than the other. I am not better than you. All of us get that love, undeserved, in grace. That is perfect love. We find it hard to understand, because we don't love like that. God is love. Perfect love.
I've embraced my weaknesses over the past years. I know I'm weak. Pitiful, in many cases. And I can live with it now. I'm stronger because of it. Life can now throw the things that broke me in the first place at my face, even double the amount, and I will stand. I feel more free than ever. I can also love better now. Because I have finally started to believe God's love. And I didn't do anything, God did. He taught me, slowly, gently. I had many doubts, still do, but that love always comes around to take them away.
I didn't do anything. I just endured. Sometimes we just have to endure. And in the process, we learn to be patient. Suffering does that. Much like courage - there is no courage where there isn't fear. We also learn to surrender ourselves in a good way to God. No traps, no catches. It is good to put our faith and trust in Him. Because I know He will stand forever in truth and love, whereas I am nothing and I only stubmle. And I don't even say that like I hate myself.
Praying for comfort and love to come your way. In time. Hang on in there.