Hyphenated last names

[98cwitr]

Hoping to get both male and female perspectives, but I will say I am more of a traditionalist and spoke to my now wife about this well before I popped the question, but why do people do hyphenated last names?

I was always taught, being from the South I guess, that the woman would take her husband's last name and then move her last name to be her middle name. My wife on the other hand legally kept her full name and just added my last name to the end of hers, but officially, on paper at least, her last name is not hyphenated and was changed to mine. Just curious about people's thought process around this.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I can't speak for everyone but a lot of the women I know who have hyphenated last names are hardcore feminists who believe it's sexist to have to take their husband's last name.

 

[98cwitr]

Yeah I kinda got that vibe from some of them...others don't seem to be really militant about it though. I mean...they got their name from a man...seems a little hypocritical if that's their reasoning.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I can understand if the guy's last name is something awful, like Stinkhoffer or Butts or something along those lines. Those tend to be the minority, though.

 

[MiniEmu]

I've always been taught it's up to the couple. If Miss Smith wants to become Mrs Jones, she becomes Mrs Jones. If she wants to me Mrs Smith-Jones, it's that. If she wants to me Mrs Smith who is married to Mr Jones, then that's just dandy.

The reasons are probably rather diverse. Personally I take the view that a family name, one you've grown up with, can be hard to let go of. My family is small, there are not many of us with our surname and we're all related to each other (be it by blood or marriage). Part of me really wanted to keep my surname, hyphenate it, because it was important to my father. But one of our pre-marital discussions showed it was more important for my OH that I effectively join his family, than it was to my father that I kept my family name. So I become Mrs Jones.

I do know a few professionals who retained their maiden names, rather than taking on their husbands surname, because it just made professional sense. Unofficially, at church and the like, they're known as Mrs Jones, but at work it's Ms Smith.

 

[ValleyGal]

A woman taking a man's name is a cultural expectation, not a biblical mandate. Some cultures practiced (and may still) matriarchy, and the expectation was the husband would take the wife's last name. Western culture is moving towards women keeping their maiden names or hyphenating. If they have children, they can choose whose name the child will have, or they can combine their last names to make one name.

Personally, I retained the name on my birth records, and will sometimes hyphenate for social identification. I did this because I have a son and did not want him to feel left out because his name would have been different had I changed my name. I am also a professional, and my degree/work is in my birth name.

A name means a lot, and can reflect the core of a person's identity. That identity should be with their family, so however parents want to name their children to form a family identity, great! Then when the child grows up, it is up to them how to merge their own identity with their spouse to create their own family, and so on. I think we are moving away from the cultural expectation that women's identity is in the man of the family. Women are quite capable of being whole people in and of themselves, and are no longer culturally reliant on the male identity.

Call me a hard-core feminist, but I firmly believe women have the right to choose.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I can't speak for everyone but a lot of the women I know who have hyphenated last names are hardcore feminists who believe it's sexist to have to take their husband's last name.

Exactly. I rarely see anyone keep their last birth last name or even hyphenate it. Its only become a bit more done because the more modern day feminists see it as men being controlling by having their wife use their last name. Mind you I've never seen any paper or man say "You must take my name so I can have dominance over you!". Its just always been what is traditionally done. Why change what isn't broke? A name means identity yes, but we shouldn't get so self absorbed with our last name. Its not like God cares what your last name in life is. Life is temporal, as are last names.

I have only seen one or two christian woman hyphenate their name. They were young modern day hardcore feminists. But the real reason they did it because they had been married once before. And because of their husbands abuse (or whatever the case was), they feel they don't want to take on anymore last names because they are still carrying bitterness from that past man to their current husband. Which is dangerous to do. If you have an ex then leave your ex in the past and the emotions that came with it. Marry and do the default of taking your new husbands name. Don't make him feel like hes not good enough for you to take his name. That would just be insulting. At last to me it would be. To me it would be like asking for a prenup. In this case your saying "I love you, but in the back of my mind in case things don't work out, I still want my last name to be hyphenated with yours."

This is why I feel the new age feminist is not only destroying the things, but ruining alot of marriages. Then again its just another thing the devil uses to keep christianity falling apart. Just look at what happens when someone makes a topic about "Should my husband be head of the house?". War breaks out. Granted I am more fore the fact husband and wife are equals in marriage anyways. If it makes you feel better then hyphenate your name, its not a sin nor the end of the world, just a bit rude though. In the end why change what isn't broke?

 

[ValleyGal]

Its only become a bit more done because the more modern day feminists see it as men being controlling by having their wife use their last name.

You can keep telling yourself that's who and why we choose not to take our husbands' last name, but you are believing a lie. Men being controlling has nothing to do with it. Let me ask you this: would you be willing to take your wife's last name instead of her taking yours? Why not? Traditions? There is nothing in the Bible saying a woman must take her husband's last name, so why is it such a big deal to some men that she does? Is it maybe because those men do want to be controlling and assert their "higher" position in the family and the name issue is a symbol of that hierarchy and they cover it up by accusing women of not wanting men to be controlling? Instead of making such accusations, you might want to try asking us "hard-core feminists" the real reasons.

Mind you I've never seen any paper or man say "You must take my name so I can have dominance over you!". Its just always been what is traditionally done.

Nor is it written anywhere that "Women must take their husbands' name" for any reason at all. So why do it? Again, tradition? Progress is made in every other area of civilization and no one complains. Progress is made for women and there's public outcry from the men it affects.

Why change what isn't broke?

It IS "broke". Otherwise there would not be a shift away from taking the husband's name.

A name means identity yes, but we shouldn't get so self absorbed with our last name.

So why do some men seem so put off by women keeping their own last name? It is obviously more important for men that women change their name than it is for women. So why are women still expected to change it?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Sounds like your trying to rationalize the extremist feminist view. And saying its progress is just another reason to try and justify something that theres nothing wrong with. Its just part of the devils plan to create as much chaos as he can in order to split a splinted society up even more. Its working well. Eventually men and women will each keep their own name despite being married. Maybe even keep their "single/independent" lifestyle (while being married) since being married goes against their freedom.

 

[mina]

I think it's a silly thing to be mad over. I'm pretty traditional and from the South, but I didn't change my name for a long time after I was married. It was mainly because of my profession and the name I was known by in my career, but eventually I did legally change my name to my husband's. I was already socially using his last name. He really didn't care either way. He knows I love him and that I will continue to no matter what my last name happens to be. I felt loved on having his support for whatever I chose to do. I chose him in marriage and in life and that is evidenced by my actions each and every day; not soley by my last name. A rose by any other name will smell as sweet.

 

[Verve]

I'm from the Northeast and am wondering why it matters?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet….

 

[ValleyGal]

Sounds like your trying to rationalize the extremist feminist view. And saying its progress is just another reason to try and justify something that theres nothing wrong with. Its just part of the devils plan to create as much chaos as he can in order to split a splinted society up even more. Its working well. Eventually men and women will each keep their own name despite being married. Maybe even keep their "single/independent" lifestyle (while being married) since being married goes against their freedom.

I'm not extremist feminist, although I am a feminist in that I believe in equal social rights for women, including in marriage. I'm not trying to rationalize anything. Seriously. Study the topic and you will find there is nowhere in law or in the Bible stating women must take the man's name.

Suggesting equal rights for women is the "devil's plan" is blasphemy, and you are treading on thin ice, imo, since Jesus was the first feminist in that he liberated women from under their husband's thumb. It is God's plan that women are equal to men, not the devil's. I recommend you study this before going around making claims women do certain things for certain "feminist" reasons.

I think you should seriously consider taking your wife's last name rather than her taking yours. See how well you talk your way out of that one. I'd like to know why you wouldn't do it.

 

[Avniel]

If I lived in a country where men took the woman's last name I would do it no problem, it's just a name, I mean in a society where the cultural norm is the reserve she'd probably feel like I were disrespecting her family name.

I don't know my wife took my last name but I would understand her keeping her last name for professional reasons.

 

[Odetta]

Y'all need to google Spanish naming customs. Or the Asian customs, where the wife customarily does NOT take her husband's name. Or the Scandinavian old custom of basing a last name after the father's given name (up until 1901). If only to prove the point that there are many different naming traditions on this planet, and the one where the new wife chooses to hyphenate her last name with her husband's is just one of many. And it's not a character issue.

 

[JackRT]

Y'all need to google Spanish naming customs. Or the Asian customs, where the wife customarily does NOT take her husband's name. Or the Scandinavian old custom of basing a last name after the father's given name (up until 1901). If only to prove the point that there are many different naming traditions on this planet, and the one where the new wife chooses to hyphenate her last name with her husband's is just one of many. And it's not a character issue.

Naming customs are interesting. In Scandinavia a father named Gutorm Peterson could have a son named Richard Gutormson and a daughter named Lorna Gutormdottir. Actually I know all three of them. the great scientist Marie Curie was Polish and was born Marie Sklodowska. Had she been male her last name would have been Sklodowski.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'm not extremist feminist, although I am a feminist in that I believe in equal social rights for women, including in marriage. I'm not trying to rationalize anything. Seriously. Study the topic and you will find there is nowhere in law or in the Bible stating women must take the man's name.

Well your right, its not in the bible. I'm just saying why change what people do already in america?

Suggesting equal rights for women is the "devil's plan" is blasphemy, and you are treading on thin ice, imo, since Jesus was the first feminist in that he liberated women from under their husband's thumb. It is God's plan that women are equal to men, not the devil's. I recommend you study this before going around making claims women do certain things for certain "feminist" reasons.

Twisting words much. Where did I say equal rights was the devils plan? I said the devils plan is to split up people (men and women) by bringing up silly issues and turning into a big deal.

I think you should seriously consider taking your wife's last name rather than her taking yours. See how well you talk your way out of that one. I'd like to know why you wouldn't do it.

So basically your just redirecting the question. So I guess the question is why are you so offended by taking a mans last name? Unless you feel men are "better" or something then theres no reason to worry about the last name being changed as a woman. My wife? Shes not like "Well I can't take your last name because men are oppressive!", before we got married she said she would take my last name because its what most people do. So nothing to do with me being oppressive or her being forced to. Though technically because she came to america her middle name is actually her original last name. I picked it like that. So see I don't mind the change. I'm just stating women can be upset about something that should not be a big deal. When we see God He will not be saying "I am glad you fought to make sure women can keep their last name, that was very important to do with your time on earth!"

 

[ValleyGal]

Well your right, its not in the bible. I'm just saying why change what people do already in america?

Why change it? Because there are a lot of American women who don't want to change their names, that's why. And that is reason enough.

Twisting words much. Where did I say equal rights was the devils plan? I said the devils plan is to split up people (men and women) by bringing up silly issues and turning into a big deal.

You said "Sounds like your trying to rationalize the extremist feminist view. And saying its progress is just another reason to try and justify something that theres nothing wrong with. Its just part of the devils plan to create as much chaos as he can in order to split a splinted society up even more. Its working well." From that, I read that extremist feminist views are "just part of the devil's plan." Either that or you are saying progress is part of the devil's plan, but if that were true, you would not be making use of modern technology. Also, if this were such a "silly issue", you would not have made such derogatory comments about women's right to choose to keep their own names rather than take their husband's. If it's such a "silly issue" why even have an opinion, and just let women make the choice for themselves without having to call them things like "extremist feminists."

So basically your just redirecting the question. So I guess the question is why are you so offended by taking a mans last name? Unless you feel men are "better" or something then theres no reason to worry about the last name being changed as a woman. My wife? Shes not like "Well I can't take your last name because men are oppressive!", before we got married she said she would take my last name because its what most people do. So nothing to do with me being oppressive or her being forced to. Though technically because she came to america her middle name is actually her original last name. I picked it like that. So see I don't mind the change. I'm just stating women can be upset about something that should not be a big deal. When we see God He will not be saying "I am glad you fought to make sure women can keep their last name, that was very important to do with your time on earth!"

I'm not redirecting any question. I originally asked this question and you have not answered. Tell me, why wouldn't you take your wife's last name if she asked you to?

Why am I offended? Because of the derogatory things said about women who choose their own last name rather than choose to change it. Seriously, who are you men to suggest the reasons why women make the choices they do, and then insist that it's for your imposed reasons rather than the truth of our own reasons? That is false accusations, it is believing lies, and it is making really inappropriate sweeping judgements about what women think - and those judgements are wrong, so from my perspective, it is being falsely accused of a really lousy belief that you have of women rather than of the truth. That's why I'm offended.

My wife? Shes not like "Well I can't take your last name because men are oppressive!", before we got married she said she would take my last name because its what most people do. So nothing to do with me being oppressive or her being forced to.

Seriously? Wow. I do not know of ONE woman who has ever said they can't take a husband's name because "men are oppressive." Not one. So for you to even suggest that is one of the reasons women don't take men's name is exactly the false accusation you are making. And yes, when I stand before God and account for my stuff, I will be absolutely proud to say that I advocate for women's rights - the right to choose her own last name without being accused of believing men to be oppressive.

 

[Joyful Mama]

I believe it's up to the couple. It doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that women should take their husband's last name. If women want to take their husband's last time, it's fine. If they want to keep their maiden name, it's fine. If they want to hyphenate, it's fine. If the husband wants to change HIS name, it's fine. Like a PP said the reasons for name changes can be very diverse so I really think it depends on the individuals involved and it's important that we don't judge people based on their decision, or accuse people of being "hardcore feminists" etc.

 

[Dave-W]

It doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that women should take their husband's last name.

That is because "last names" as we know them were not used at that time. So you cannot use the bible to either support or condemn the practice.

It all boils down to custom and tradition. And those customs and traditions vary from culture to culture. The idea of a wife taking her husband's last name is a western European tradition. In other cultures the wife keeps her "maiden" name. They may claim it is a Christian tradition but that is really not true.

It has seemed to me (personal observation) that the hyphenated last name is more popular in England than the US.

 

[JackRT]

That is because "last names" as we know them were not used at that time. So you cannot use the bible to either support or condemn the practice.

It all boils down to custom and tradition. And those customs and traditions vary from culture to culture. The idea of a wife taking her husband's last name is a western European tradition. In other cultures the wife keeps her "maiden" name. They may claim it is a Christian tradition but that is really not true.

It has seemed to me (personal observation) that the hyphenated last name is more popular in England than the US.

Much of what is claimed to be "Christian" is actually nothing more than societal norms which differ throughout the world.