The laughter thread.

[Colin]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, then they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets...

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying
Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"








"Ees... a... Ham Bush"

 

[Colin]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

 

[brinny]

 

[seekingsolace]

 

[Colin]

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been having these encounters for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

 

[Sumwear]

 

[Michie]

Lol! Good one.

 

[Michie]

lol!

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been having these encounters for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

 

[WarriorAngel]

 

[Michie]

lol!

 

[Colin]

A Liverpudlian was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the Liverpudlian. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the Liverpudlian decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

 

[Colin]

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm, with a nice pond in the back 40 acres.

It was fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

Upon nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made some noise so the women would be aware of his presence.

When they heard the farmer, all the young ladies retreated to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

 

[Anhelyna]

Good one Colin

 

[S.ilvio]

Classic...

 

[S.ilvio]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"




Student: "Homework!"

 

[S.ilvio]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,

"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Michie]

Lol!

 

[Colin]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag yourselves out of bed , and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence . Listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DARNED PORRIDGE YET!!"

 

[Anhelyna]

I know how she feels

 

[S.ilvio]

...