Unequally Yoked or Not That Serious?

[ladyches]

I have a question that I’m fairly sure I know how most would answer, but I will throw it out there anyway. I just turned 55 and have been single after a divorce for almost 20 years. Not happily so, I might add. I very much want to marry again, but it’s just not happening despite getting back into the dating scene about 7 years ago. (Went 12 years straight without a single date!) I’ve been a believer since I was 20, got married at 25 and largely worshipped alone because of my husband’s military career and an inauthentic relationship with God. And being alone since my marriage ended, I’ve worshipped and served God alone. My question is this: While the Bible teaches we’re not to be unequally yoked, what point is there in trying to find someone whose walk matches my own, at this point in my life?

I’m not in ministry and don’t anticipate being in ministry. As long as I marry someone who is ok with me serving God even if he doesn’t care to do so himself and we are compatible in other areas of our lives, would it be so terrible? Certainly, I would prefer a man whose relationship with the Lord mirrors my own or is even stronger (as I’ve been having many doubts lately), but I’ve discarded many a man who believes in God, even attends church but doesn't adhere to a biblical walk. I feel like I can worship alone as a married woman as well as a single woman. My sister has done it successfully for almost 30 years.

I’ve met a man who was once a staunch believer but has walked away from the faith. Abuse as a child, atrocities of war, the death of his fiancé – all have taken a toll. One of the things he appreciates about me is my faith, funny enough. I think I can handle the spiritual divide as we have other areas where we're compatible. He's fine with me believing as long as I don't tell him what he should believe. He'd even attend church with me if I asked, because he's the type of guy to do anything for his lady. His choice not to believe often forces me to dig deeper into my own beliefs to answer some of his questions.

If I were younger I probably wouldn't ask this question. But my life is more than half over and it's been pretty low-key until now. I don't anticipate any major things happening that it would be important to be married to a strong believer (like ministry).

Thoughts? Help me reason through this. TIA.

 

[Messy]

Pray for him and if he gets saved you can marry him but otherwise I wouldn't do it. I remarried an atheist who even said the sinner's prayer. He totally hated my worship music. Always had to put earplugs in. All the filth he saw and heard came in the house. Before we married he went to church with me and said he was very interested and going to church you should do that together. Yeah sure. When he finally left after an awful marriage I could worship God much better and I'm so glad I'm free now.

 

[keith99]

When I was attending a Church in Santa Monica (a city named for Monica, the mother of Augustine whose husband was an unbeliever BTW) I bothered to dig into the most commonly used 'unequally yolked' verses. You might want to read that chapter. Just reading it alone you might happen to notice it never mentions marriage at all, or business or even women.

Why? Because the unequally yolked it is talking about is being yolked to those who said you had to become a Jew before you could become a Christian! It is brilliant biting sarcasm, but it is also an argument that group had no answer for as it leaned heavily on their own legalism.

Those who now create a 'law' that forbids you to marry an unbeliever are their spiritual heirs. You are not bound by reams of petty regulations. Instead you have but 2 that you must hold fast. Love the Lord your God.... and love your neighbor as yourself. Would the marriage you contemplate violate either of those? You and You alone need to answer that.

You do need to examine how your husband not sharing your faith might impact your relationship. That you said he would accompany you to Church is asked, but you did not speak about any nominal conversion on his part in that gives me confidence that you will not fall into the trap of pressuring his conversion.

I would advise considering the attitudes of the Church you attend. If they take 'unequally yolked' as a law the odds are good that your possible husband would be looked down on and poorly treated in various little ways. That will wear on a relationship and in time you might well have to choose. Your Church or your husband. Note I did NOT say your God or your husband.

 

[ladyches]

When I was attending a Church in Santa Monica (a city named for Monica, the mother of Augustine whose husband was an unbeliever BTW) I bothered to dig into the most commonly used 'unequally yolked' verses. You might want to read that chapter. Just reading it alone you might happen to notice it never mentions marriage at all, or business or even women.

Why? Because the unequally yolked it is talking about is being yolked to those who said you had to become a Jew before you could become a Christian! It is brilliant biting sarcasm, but it is also an argument that group had no answer for as it leaned heavily on their own legalism.

Those who now create a 'law' that forbids you to marry an unbeliever are their spiritual heirs. You are not bound by reams of petty regulations. Instead you have but 2 that you must hold fast. Love the Lord your God.... and love your neighbor as yourself. Would the marriage you contemplate violate either of those? You and You alone need to answer that.

You do need to examine how your husband not sharing your faith might impact your relationship. That you said he would accompany you to Church is asked, but you did not speak about any nominal conversion on his part in that gives me confidence that you will not fall into the trap of pressuring his conversion.

I would advise considering the attitudes of the Church you attend. If they take 'unequally yolked' as a law the odds are good that your possible husband would be looked down on and poorly treated in various little ways. That will wear on a relationship and in time you might well have to choose. Your Church or your husband. Note I did NOT say your God or your husband.

Just a cursory glance at that scripture, though, says "Do not be yoked with unbelievers." I would think that means in any situation whether it be a business partnership, marriage or anything else where the bond is somewhat binding. If I would marry this man, I'd not only be yoked, legally, I'd be one flesh with him.

Maybe I just answered my own question. Lol

 

[Messy]

The thing is if you just marry him you put him above God and what He says. Then there's a big chance you will backslide yourself. My mother did it. First before they married he went with her to church, then for years her faith was mocked, she didn't go to church anymore. When my brother and I converted she also came back which first gave big trouble. There were always fights. He did change because she laid her life down completely and now he's 79 and almost saved. You don't want to know what it costed her. They do have a good marriage now finally.
The stories I read from men who said it worked out well and their wife brought them to Christ were all because she took her stand and was just friends but only wanted to marry if he first converted. I tried that because I saw such a great example but in my case I fell in sin (no sex before marriage with an atheist who absolutely doesn't see the point of that?) and I fell from my faith for a year.

 

[miss-a]

For me, it's not about the law or even that particular verse. It's simply that I don't want the world and all it's ways living under my roof. And if I marry an unbeliever I take the chance of marrying the lost and dying world along with him. Jesus pulled me out of that deep dark place, and I don't want to go back. I would need the guy to fall in love with Jesus before I could fall for him.

 

[dayhiker]

ladyches, welcome to CF.
I like that Keith has said.
I really don't have any personal feelings in that regard. Since my divorce, I have no desire to remarry. I make commitments to who ever I'm in relationship with to no hurt them and to consider them in my decisions. Which I take to be loving them. That is the best I can do. An official government marriage couldn't add any more love, just some legal advantages.

 

[ladyches]

The thing is if you just marry him you put him above God and what He says. Then there's a big chance you will backslide yourself. My mother did it. First before they married he went with her to church, then for years her faith was mocked, she didn't go to church anymore. When my brother and I converted she also came back which first gave big trouble. There were always fights. He did change because she laid her life down completely and now he's 79 and almost saved. You don't want to know what it costed her. They do have a good marriage now finally.
The stories I read from men who said it worked out well and their wife brought them to Christ were all because she took her stand and was just friends but only wanted to marry if he first converted. I tried that because I saw such a great example but in my case I fell in sin (no sex before marriage with an atheist who absolutely doesn't see the point of that?) and I fell from my faith for a year.

The bolded is what I'm concerned about. I think I can handle not pressuring him and I don't need to go around preaching to him. I would just live my faith now and defend it if need be. But I'm not sure he could keep from mocking. He's asking me if I can handle a guy like him, but it's more likely he can't handle a woman like me! I think there would also be a good probability that I might fall away, only because I've been experiencing severe doubts myself lately. Which is probably why I'm entertaining the possibility of a relationship with him to begin with.

 

[quietpraiyze]

I think there would also be a good probability that I might fall away, only because I've been experiencing severe doubts myself lately. Which is probably why I'm entertaining the possibility of a relationship with him to begin with.

I was wondering why you would even entertain such a notion but you answered my question here. Your doubts are what you need to deal with. I would suggest you seek out some mature Christians and prayerfully lay your questions out before them. In terms of marriage don't you know when the enemy is seducing you? God is a good God and he's not the author of confusion. He's not going to bring someone into your life who contradicts His character and integrity.

 

[MishSill]

Yoked means bonded.

When a husband and wife marry the two become one flesh.

I went out with a non-christian guy a couple of years back and everything was about, above the waist rule, friends with benefits (he was divorced and didn't want to remarry but did want to have one partner as friend he could get intimate with).

This would have required a compromise of my faith on my part. Much as I was close to him, I had to let him go.

Non-believers are very far removed from God's holy way. He honestly thought he was being old fashioned for me. I still pray for his salvation.

I think you will find that the relationship will cause you to compromise your faith. Think and pray hard on this and don't let your beliefs force him into a faith that he may not be ready for just because he really wants to marry you.

Blessings
Mish

 

[blackribbon]

I don't believe this means your partner has to be at the same level of faith...or those with greater faith will never marry us. It means he has to be a believer because you can't serve two masters. Who are you going to follow when your husband wants you to do something that is outside the faith? The Bible does not tell us to submit to our husbands only in those things that I Christian...we are to allow our husbands (Christian or not) to be the head of the household. They then answer to God for their decisions...but if they don't even recognize that they are answerable to God...who do you follow?

What about the afterlife? How will you feel about knowing your husband won't be in eternity forever with you...that he might be in hell? I know I survived my husband's death by absolutely knowing I will see him again someday...I don't know how I would have survived if I thought that he was lost to me forever.

I think the "command" is one of those in place for our happiness. If you marry someone who has a different belief system, then your not likely to have as close of an intimacy as if you share the same basic belief system. That is a a pretty big place for "two NOT to be one" even if he allows you to worship in your own way.

 

[ladyches]

The thing is, what constitutes a believer? He maintains that he was a staunch believer but walked away from the faith. The funny thing is, he tries to say he doesn't believe any more that God exists, but what he's showing me by the things he says and also posts on social media is that he subconsciously DOES believe that God exists but he's angry at him because God isn't meeting his expectations of who he thinks God should be. The Bible also says God is married to the backslider.

 

[MishSill]

The thing is, what constitutes a believer? He maintains that he was a staunch believer but walked away from the faith. The funny thing is, he tries to say he doesn't believe any more that God exists, but what he's showing me by the things he says and also posts on social media is that he subconsciously DOES believe that God exists but he's angry at him because God isn't meeting his expectations of who he thinks God should be. The Bible also says God is married to the backslider.

I think the big point here to understand is that those who truly follow Christ are sanctified in his resurrective power. That means they "literally" turn away from sin. That's what being sanctified means. So if someone refuses to repent and carries on in their sin they are far removed from God's kingdom. Read 1 Corinthians 6:9 very specific about certain people who will not enter the kingdom of heaven. We are all meant to go through this sanctification process of growing in Him to become more like Him.

So if you mean by backsliding into sin that person is still married to God, I have to disagree based on the above.

No one can dictate to God who He should be. He is God and He is the same yesterday, today and forever. That is the beauty of having an unchangeable God who sets down clear guidelines for all of us on this earth to live peaceful and respectful lives.

The guy I was seeing believed God existed too and as he put it, "someday I will "have to" turn to him...".

Blessings
Mish
Mish

 

[blackribbon]

I would want someone whose life showed evidence that they were a believer and it wasn't just an intellectual belief in some far away God. Who do they trust? Self or God. That is how I'd decide who was a Christian. There are much more things to consider than "equally yoked" but that is a very basic starting point because God clearly states that is a criteria we should use. I suspect that you are trying to justify this relationship ... either because you are attracted to him or that he is better than nothing. I suspect that you are going to do what you want to do..just go in with your eyes wide open. Don't ever marry a "fixer upper". Marry a man that you can live with if this is "as good as it gets" and you are still in love with him "as is".

I lost my husband at a young age to cancer ... and it didn't make me doubt God or get angry...in fact, it probably drew me closer to God. So his history isn't an "excuse". It is probably more evidence that he wasn't a true believer but rather believed in a comfortable God of his own design. Believing that a God exists on some intellectual plane is different than recognizing that God is GOD and submitting to Him. That is a real believer.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Yes I am looking at you like that cat in your signature LOL!

 

[ladyches]

I would want someone whose life showed evidence that they were a believer and it wasn't just an intellectual belief in some far away God. Who do they trust? Self or God. That is how I'd decide who was a Christian. There are much more things to consider than "equally yoked" but that is a very basic starting point because God clearly states that is a criteria we should use. I suspect that you are trying to justify this relationship ... either because you are attracted to him or that he is better than nothing. I suspect that you are going to do what you want to do..just go in with your eyes wide open. Don't ever marry a "fixer upper". Marry a man that you can live with if this is "as good as it gets" and you are still in love with him "as is".

I lost my husband at a young age to cancer ... and it didn't make me doubt God or get angry...in fact, it probably drew me closer to God. So his history isn't an "excuse". It is probably more evidence that he wasn't a true believer but rather believed in a comfortable God of his own design. Believing that a God exists on some intellectual plane is different than recognizing that God is GOD and submitting to Him. That is a real believer.

I'm actually not in a relationship with him, but we've spoken at length, and yes, I'm attracted to him. I've waited for almost 20 years for that great, godly man and I'm not convinced he exists in my world. As I said, I've served God alone and with an unbelieving spouse. I'm not saying this guy is better than nothing - I'm not that desperate. But I've dismissed many guys who weren't that great, dedicated, godly man. I'm to the point that, at 55, I can live with continuing to serve God on my own. Maybe not with this guy. I can embrace his lack of faith easier than he can embrace my choice to believe. Would I prefer that man whose faith mirrors my own? Of course. But I have no confidence he will ever show up in my life.

(As for his history, there was much more there than losing his fiancé. He's seen some terrible things (classified) and was also abused as a child. His faith in a benevolent God has been taxed to his limit. I understand his pain. I've felt similar doubt and unbelief.)

 

[blackribbon]

I don't know if you realize this but you are saying "he is better than nothing" because it looks like God isn't going to provide "better". It is your choice. You really don't mind knowing that the man you love enough to marry won't be going to heaven after he dies and that death will be the actual end of your relationship? (if not this man, any man since you are saying his lack of faith in God is okay with you).

 

[ladyches]

I don't know if you realize this but you are saying "he is better than nothing" because it looks like God isn't going to provide "better". It is your choice. You really don't mind knowing that the man you love enough to marry won't be going to heaven after he dies and that death will be the actual end of your relationship? (if not this man, any man since you are saying his lack of faith in God is okay with you).

Interesting interpretation. I guess it does sound like that. As for him not going to heaven, that's between God and him. He said he was a staunch believer at one point. Is he backslidden or has he lost his salvation? I guess it depends on what school of thought you subscribe to. I don't believe someone who's made a genuine conversion can lose his salvation. He may attain heaven by the skin of his teeth, but he'll be there. HIs problem, in a nutshell, is that he's deeply angry at an omnipotent God because God wasn't omnipotent in the way he thought he should be. I don't know that that necessarily negates his salvation.

 

[Servant68]

Much wisdom has been dispensed in this thread... Looks like I found some good folks to spend some internet time with...

I can understand your friend's pain; I've gone through some pretty crappy life experiences that caused me to have some terse conversations with God. Sounds like your friend was raised to believe in God as the Fairy of Good Things, and when he found out that there is A LOT of bad things that happen to good people in this evil world, that he held God responsible for not preventing them.

He needs to seek competent, professional Christian guidance, ASAP.

I once doubted my faith because my wife of 20 years said that a REAL Christian wouldn't be tempted by inappropriate contentography, or drink, or lose his temper, etc, etc.

When she refused marriage counseling, I sought out a Christian therapist on my own. I explained to him my wife's observations and told him I was really concerned that I wasn't a Christian. He told me, "Travis, if you didn't love the Lord and weren't a Christian, then you wouldn't worry that you weren't a Christian..."

Those words changed my life...

I spent $50 for an hour of true Christian counseling that affirmed my belief in God and

 

[Servant68]

Sorry for the odd end to that post, but I just had a pretty profound physical experience... I started to experience some very intense internal pain in the middle of my post. Gut wrenching pain in my chest and upper abdominal area. I thought I was possibly having a heart attack... I could barely stand the pain and rushed to the first aid kit for aspirin and grabbed my phone to call 911. It was scary. I was praying to God for help and healing. I stumbled around the house in intense pain for about ten minutes clutching my phone and chest while praying before it finally started to subside. I don't know what it was, but I feel better now. It seems it was an intense gastronomical attack of some sort. Very scary. Never experienced that sort of thing before...

No idea what it means or how it pertains to my reply to your post...

So, to finish my original thoughts...

Strongly encourage your friend to seek some spiritual guidance. His turning away and anger towards God is completely understandable. He needs to talk to someone professionally trained and educated in Christian counseling to face his doubts and ultimate turning away.

If he truly cares for you and that spark of faith is still present, then he will speak with someone. He is in your life, now. You can choose to either try and help him find his faith again, or choose another path.

It's a dangerous and enticing crossroads you find yourself at... Approach it from a spiritual and Biblical perspective; find the love of Christ within your heart and follow the path it leads you on.