God and friends:
Today is not a good day. I am exhausted. Slept poorly. Spent less time on work than I should have.
Lately my spouse has gotten in to more of doing something than she has been. I can don nothing right. Do I realize how much in poverty we are (today). Last night, with her picking me up, telling me I don't communicate with her because I didn't tell her my vehicle was not done yet, and why could I not have said so? (new starter). We spend time on that and she starts driving home. Our daughter was with a friend. "It would have been nice had you asked me out for pizza." But we had talked about the car first, and then she was already on her way home! I said lets go, and she said "It isn't worth it any more." We weren't home yet.
Some nights recently I cannot do anything at all - if I bring something up I am either wrong, or how come it took me so long to bring it up? What about dinner? "Whatever you want", acting not hungry at all and so disappointed about everything.
Talked about going to church, as she usually isn't up for it on Sunday but also says that we should. It is all up to me. What church does she want to try? "See, you never listen to me. What church do you think?" Named the wrong one first. No, she doesn't want to go there because I have been talking about it and trying to force a decision on her, so she will never go to that one. She names the right one, which was the other that I was going to suggest, not that she believed that.
It is my fault that I am not home at night because I am trying to make more money when most people are able to work a standard day and then spend time at home with loved ones. I am abandoning her. I am abandoning our daughter. But I also keep us in poverty here in this small town. I am totally without any answers. I frustrate her because I say nothing, but I would make her angry and frustrated by saying ANYTHING, to which she would surely say she had heard it before and if she hears the same thing one more time she is kicking me out because there has to be something else.
I wake up so many mornings wanting to die before getting out of bed. I wake up asking God for cancer. But I also, occasionally, wonder what it would be like if she died, instead. Not by ANYTHING I say or do...just hypothetical. But I would feel so guilty for having wondered...if it actually happened.
I told her once that she hated me. She broke down, how could I say such a thing, cried for three days at how awful I was to her. How could I love her and say that when it was so obviously not true.
I rarely complaint about her. I rarely bring her into my prayers asking for changes or what else I can do. but I am really at my wit's end. And sometimes I am gone longer at night because I am just afraid of how bad it will be when I am home - especially if my daughter is not home. She says I never laugh with her, and rarely talk to her. Duh. I know why. Every conversation about anything significant is a mine field waiting for the wrong step.
I rarely say this stuff. This probably isn't the right place for it. But I pray and pray with the rest of you, Dear Lord and prayer partners, help me find a way through the depression, the lack of success that is partly created by that depression, and find some way to make her proud of me. When she is proud of me, sometimes it lasts for a day or part of one, sometimes an hour, sometimes it is only a minute or a few seconds before she is off on something else.
Thank you for any help, God.
