Prayer Request - DH just been arrested

[peckaboo]

Hi... so, DH and I got into an argument tonight, and it got violent. I'll be clear about this from the start - we've both been violent with each other in the past. Obviously he can do more physical damage because he's bigger and stronger, but my actions still do exactly the same damage to our marriage and to our already-fragile trust.

In his defense, too, he says that when I become really agitated he worries that I'm going to hurt myself (I've self-harmed and attempted suicide in the past) and he's restraining me for my own protection. But we've talked about this a number of times and agreed that it's not ok for him to be violent with me to prevent me being violent with myself.

Tonight something in me just snapped, and I called the police. I guess I was just tired of him thinking he could win every argument by virtue of the fact that he's stronger than me. I didn't want him to get arrested; I thought they'd just give him a warning and maybe take me to a woman's shelter or something. But now they've taken him to spend the night in a cell, and to question him. I've told them I don't want to press charges and I'm not willing to go to court, but I feel horrible that he's going through this. They're going to keep him until mid-morning tomorrow, so he's going to be exhausted and have to think up some kind of excuse to tell his boss why he's late for work.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Our marriage would have recovered from what he did - he just pulled my hair and pushed me to the ground and held me there; he didn't even hit me - but I don't know if it will recover from my getting him arrested. I know that what he did was wrong, but now I don't think he'll ever trust me again.

I don't even know what to ask for prayer for, specifically. I just wish I could go to his cell and hold him, but all I can do is try to find the words to pray. If you have a few minutes, would you join me?

 

[OnlyBelieve]

Father, please place your hand on this situation. Lord we pray for your peace in this house. Lord, we pray that you minister to the DH while he away, please soften his heart that he would see the issues in a new light. father we ask you to reveal yourself to these beautiful people, and as a couple they would draw closer to you. Please give them strength and guidance, wisdom and hope. Bless them Lord. In Jesus Mighty Name amen

 

[mjmcmillan]

I don't know for sure how it works in the UK, but here in my neck of the woods (Chicago, Illinois and its suburbs) if the police respond to a domestic disturbance and it's been physically violent, somebody is going to jail. The police get too many calls where, just like in your case, one spouse calls them, then when they show up the injured party doesn't want to press charges. In some states, I think Florida is one, once the police make the arrest it no longer matters whether you want to press charges or not, the state becomes the aggrieved party and charges WILL be pressed in the name of the people of the state of (fill in the blank).

I think we (by which I mean everybody reading this) can pray for you, but in order for it to be any good the prayers must go further than merely trying to get your husband out of trouble tonight. There's a dynamic in this marriage that needs to be brought to heel, or somebody is going to get seriously hurt. The violence needs to stop now. Whatever spiritual or physical/chemical things are at work to make this violence happen must come to an end. Otherwise, we'll be reading here of your impending divorce--- if we're/you're lucky. So, to that end I pray that the violence stops tonight.

 

[mjmcmillan]

To be frank, if the right actions are not taken, it is very unlikely that it will stop tonight. It could either be much worse because he'll be crazy mad that he went to jail, or it will go away for a little while (or even a long while) -- but (without intervention) it will come back. And when it does, it will continue in a pattern that gets worse and worse over time.

My guess is that it will go away for a while and things will seem just fantastic... until the next blow up.

I think you are right. I wish I could say you were not.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

I think anger management for both of you could help. It's clear from your story that both of you have anger problems. And I think you personally should consider seeing a counselor because threatening suicide, attempting suicide, and having suicidal thoughts are things that need to be addressed.

 

[LinkH]

Hopefully he will be open to getting some kind of Christian counseling and you can both get involved in a church that can help. It really helps a lot if you pray together each night. Pray for each other. Pray for yourselves to be good at being a husband/wife. The husband can pray to be like what Ephesians 5 (and other scriptures) tells him to be like, and the wife can pray for her to be like what Ephesians 5 tells her to be like. Pray for your families. Ask each other if there is anything to forgive every night. Ask 'Is there anything that I am not doing right as a husband/wife?" Take turns (with a timer if necessary) uninterrupted, and be careful to confess whatever sins and shortcomings and offer what you will do to change going forward. Read the word together and put it into practice.

Sometimes, a time of prayer and confession together can heal up a lot of things that have been boiling under the surface for weeks.

I'll pray for you guys.

 

[147]

With Link on this one.

I'm praying too -- this whole situation sounds eerily familiar to me.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Luther073082
To be frank, if the right actions are not taken, it is very unlikely that it will stop tonight. It could either be much worse because he'll be crazy mad that he went to jail, or it will go away for a little while (or even a long while) -- but (without intervention) it will come back. And when it does, it will continue in a pattern that gets worse and worse over time.

My guess is that it will go away for a while and things will seem just fantastic... until the next blow up.

Mrs. Luther is right on!

Because of your husband you told us that you have contemplated suicide. Now here is another violent episode and you say

“I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life.”

You are so beaten down that you will compromise yourself (see reprint below) because of your fear. You have put your life into the hands of this man that has proven to drive you to horrible thoughts. WHY?

Originally Posted by sdmsanjose
Sadly it seems that you are so afraid of losing him that you are willing to compromise. Hope I am wrong on that.
Reply by Peckaboo
No, you are right. I've never loved anyone like I love this man, that's why I married him. I don't want to lose him; I'm scared to death of losing him. Sometimes I imagine living in a marriage that's totally free of inappropriate content, but it's never him in the fantasy, because I've never been in a inappropriate content-free marriage with him, so I can't imagine what it would be like. When I imagine that marriage it's always me and a faceless man.

It is probably not your fault that you are not strong enough, do not have enough self-respect, or self-esteem to see the reality of this situation. However, it will make no difference whose fault it is you will be the one to suffer if you do not take action for YOU!

Quit trying to make your husband be something that he is not willing to do. Your husband is NOT your answer. YOU WORK ONLY ON YOU! Stop focusing on your husband and go to the one that can help you


Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

God even tells you what He expects from you so that He can help you. I have listed a few verses below that lay out the conditions

Jesus said: "If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 15:6-7

If you make the Most High your dwelling – even the LORD, who is my refuge – then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent."
Psalm 91:9-10



Peckaboo, you have a choice. You can continue to run to your husband or to God
Matthew 10

Christ Brings Division</SPAN>

34 &#8220;Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.35 For I have come to &#8216;set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law&#8217;;36 and &#8216;a man&#8217;s enemies will be those of his own household.&#8217;[e]37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Also seek Christian counseling and christian sisters

 

[MessianicMommy]

peckaboo, ya'll BOTH need help. I would highly suggest counseling - for yourself and your DH if he is willing.

I have seen it happen too many times, and any time either of you (and both of you) get violent, it's not a good situation AT ALL. It's not at all acceptable and you both need steps in place to protect each other.

 

[hijklmnop]

ITA with everything Mrs. Luther and sanjose said, and I will just echo MessianicMommy too...you need serious professional help. Stop making excuses and coddling your h. I suspect you may be codependent (I recognize it because I used to be) and need to get help for your own issues whether your h does the same or supports you in that or not. I would suggest that if he ever lays a hand on you again, not only do you send him to jail again, but you press charges and see that he comes home to a house where you're not staying anymore. This crap won't stop until you develop the confidence to enact serious consequences and take care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. And I think you need a reality check as to where this could lead if it doesn't stop right now. One move with more force than he intended (or DID intend) and you could be seriously injured or dead. Please stop focusing on your h's wellbeing...that is HIS responsibility, he is a grown man and his actions landed him right where he belongs...he SHOULD be sitting in a cell thinking about why he is there! ...and get better help for yourself...NOW. No matter what though, you will be in my prayers.

 

[JaneFW]

I will pray for you Peck.

 

[Anessa14]

praying for you both ((Peck))) and asking you to claim God's promises.
A

 

[dallasapple]

So you said that your marraige woudl have recovered from him pulling your hair and holding you to the ground..IOW YOU would have forgiven him..but NOW instead you are in fear that calling the police out of fear of him that HE will punish you IOW he wont forgive you for doing what exaclty it is you SHOULD do when you are beign man handled by him?IOW you are responsible for YOUR behavior and you are responsible for HIS behavior?YOu know what he did was wrong you say..but yet here you sit regretting that hes got any consequences of it..IOW you blame YOUR SELF that hes done smething wrong or that he will pay for it?Including the fact you fear he will punish you for the fact he has consequences?

You will NEVER SUCCEED trying to take on what HE does wrong onto your own back with how horrible YOU are too..Thats too much blame for anyone ..except for Christ who took on ALL of our sins..YOU are NOT Jesus Christ.YOu are a human being YES Peckaboo we all know you are a sinner too see that TOO..he is a seperate person who IS responsible for HIS behavior ..Drawing the line with physical abuse and calling the police and your husband beign made to face that hes violent when he has Im sure what he percieves as justification is exaclty what he needs..to BE RESPONSIBLE for his behavior..hes in jail right now where he belongs..and you still blame yourslef for it..even if its in the sense you must continue to remind yourself how horrible you are..its really really sad that you have taken to SUCH an extreme "Im a sinner too" seems like trying to somehow take responsiblility for HIM as well..

And yes in the future you need to bare in mind..911...is NOT 911 I love my husband but can you come and have a talk with him and find some sort of counseling for him because hes getting a little violent with me..The police are there to try and prevent first then ARREST people who committ crimes so they can later go before a judge to explain themsleves and if foudn guilty pay a debt to society for the crimes they committed..they arent marriage counseling they don't CARE if he 'needs help" they care about stopping and then PUNISHINING criminals..People who committ crimes and get caught go to jail not marragie couseling..

Dallas

 

[Sailor_A]

I feel terrible for your husband and you right now. I'm praying for you. I really do not have any advice to give as I've never experienced anything like that before.

 

[Athene]

Ah ha the old ''I'm restraining you for your own good'' defence. Pulling your hair and pushing you to the ground is not restraining you, that is physical assault, this was your husband showing you that he is bigger and stronger then you and that he is not afraid of you, and that he can hurt you if he wants to. Your husband is abusive towards you, you were right to call the police.

Please please please call Woman's Aid on 0808 2000 247, do it tonight before he comes home.

 

[dallasapple]

Ah ha the old ''I'm restraining you for your own good'' defence. Pulling your hair and pushing you to the ground is not restraining you, that is physical assault, this was your husband showing you that he is bigger and stronger then you and that he is not afraid of you, and that he can hurt you if he wants to. Your husband is abusive towards you, you were right to call the police.

Please please please call Woman's Aid on 0808 2000 247, do it tonight before he comes home.

Exactly..Oh my shes going to hurt herself..let me stop her by beating her up?

Pecaboo..if your husband was really seriously concerned you were going to hurt your self seriously the right thing for him to do would be have YOU committed to a mental health fascility to find out whats going on with you and get you some help..And im sorry ..he would also entrench himself in whatever help he needed to get to stop torturing you with his inappropriate content use..

Snatching you by the hair and pinning you down is man handeling and as Athene has pointed out hes posturing to let you know loud and clear you are helpless agaisnt him which as you see you are but for calling in men and women with GUNS to get it under control..If the one that is so concerned over your safety is the same one YOU need PROTECTION from you have gone and flipped it upside down..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

I guess I was just tired of him thinking he could win every argument by virtue of the fact that he's stronger than me.

There's something seriously wrong if that's how conflicts are handled. Conflicts *should* be truly resolved.....with both spouses being in agreement with the resolution. That takes TWO people to agree with that as the end goal, however.

 

[UK Fred]

Hi... so, DH and I got into an argument tonight, and it got violent. I'll be clear about this from the start - we've both been violent with each other in the past. Obviously he can do more physical damage because he's bigger and stronger, but my actions still do exactly the same damage to our marriage and to our already-fragile trust.

Quite frankly you sound like you want to find some get out of jail free card for what you both have been doing to each other, and do not regret the actions that you have used. Get relationship and anger management counselling and quick. Grow up and realise that men are stronger than women. If you are behaving like this, and he is behaving like this, then you ought not to be married. Why not separate and both go through counselling, and only have supervised time together until you can both prove to yourselves and each other that you can be left together safely unsuprervised.

In his defense, too, he says that when I become really agitated he worries that I'm going to hurt myself (I've self-harmed and attempted suicide in the past) and he's restraining me for my own protection. But we've talked about this a number of times and agreed that it's not ok for him to be violent with me to prevent me being violent with myself.

Get yourself some help. Quick.

Tonight something in me just snapped, and I called the police. I guess I was just tired of him thinking he could win every argument by virtue of the fact that he's stronger than me. I didn't want him to get arrested; I thought they'd just give him a warning and maybe take me to a woman's shelter or something. But now they've taken him to spend the night in a cell, and to question him. I've told them I don't want to press charges and I'm not willing to go to court, but I feel horrible that he's going through this. They're going to keep him until mid-morning tomorrow, so he's going to be exhausted and have to think up some kind of excuse to tell his boss why he's late for work.

Sounds like you are behaving like a little child playing the games according to adult rules and you are astounded to find that there is no "do over" allowed. Watch "The Big BangTheory" and you'll see what I mean. How are you going to feel about being charged with wasting police time? Because, if you are not prepared to press charges for assault, that is exactly what should happen to you.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Our marriage would have recovered from what he did - he just pulled my hair and pushed me to the ground and held me there; he didn't even hit me - but I don't know if it will recover from my getting him arrested. I know that what he did was wrong, but now I don't think he'll ever trust me again.

You could be right, but then again maybe the biggest mistake in your life was to get married when you are not emotionally adult enough to deal with the conflicts that marriage inevitably brings to a life. Ask yourself how you need to change to for him to be able to trust you again, and then make the changes.

I don't even know what to ask for prayer for, specifically. I just wish I could go to his cell and hold him, but all I can do is try to find the words to pray. If you have a few minutes, would you join me?

I will pray that you use this experience to gain the maturity you both need to learn to cope with the conflict that comes with marriage in a responsible manner and that you both learn in step with each other. I will also pray that you both become more differentiated - see David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage if you do not understand what I am talking about - so that you will be able to accept that you are two separate individuals who have chosen to go through life's journey together. And finally, I will pray that you both learn about boundaries so that you you can head off the problems at the pass before they become disasters like the one you have posted.

I know you will think that I am being harsh, but believe me, when one of my friends woke up in the middle of the night to find his wife holding a carving knife to his throat, cutting edge making contact with skin, he did what he could to get her to get help. When she would not get help, he got help, in the form of an injunction to keep her away from him and they are now divorced. I can see this situation developing every time I hear about domestic violence. What I have suggested will cause you hurt. It will bring healing, not harm. Too often, the easy road is the road that leads to destruction.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Quite frankly you sound like you want to find some get out of jail free card for what you both have been doing to each other, and do not regret the actions that you have used. Get relationship and anger management counselling and quick. Grow up and realise that men are stronger than women. If you are behaving like this, and he is behaving like this, then you ought not to be married. Why not separate and both go through counselling, and only have supervised time together until you can both prove to yourselves and each other that you can be left together safely unsuprervised.



Get yourself some help. Quick.



Sounds like you are behaving like a little child playing the games according to adult rules and you are astounded to find that there is no "do over" allowed. Watch "The Big BangTheory" and you'll see what I mean. How are you going to feel about being charged with wasting police time? Because, if you are not prepared to press charges for assault, that is exactly what should happen to you.



You could be right, but then again maybe the biggest mistake in your life was to get married when you are not emotionally adult enough to deal with the conflicts that marriage inevitably brings to a life. Ask yourself how you need to change to for him to be able to trust you again, and then make the changes.



I will pray that you use this experience to gain the maturity you both need to learn to cope with the conflict that comes with marriage in a responsible manner and that you both learn in step with each other. I will also pray that you both become more differentiated - see David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage if you do not understand what I am talking about - so that you will be able to accept that you are two separate individuals who have chosen to go through life's journey together. And finally, I will pray that you both learn about boundaries so that you you can head off the problems at the pass before they become disasters like the one you have posted.

I know you will think that I am being harsh, but believe me, when one of my friends woke up in the middle of the night to find his wife holding a carving knife to his throat, cutting edge making contact with skin, he did what he could to get her to get help. When she would not get help, he got help, in the form of an injunction to keep her away from him and they are now divorced. I can see this situation developing every time I hear about domestic violence. What I have suggested will cause you hurt. It will bring healing, not harm. Too often, the easy road is the road that leads to destruction.

This board doesn't have a "Like" button. So, we'll have to do it the old fashioned way.

 

[Athene]

no further posts from peckaboo - hope you're doing ok.