Prayer Request - DH just been arrested

Status
Not open for further replies.

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
All I know from reading this stuff is that there's a HUGE amount of unhealthy things going on in this relationship... You've got the hubby insinuating that the wife is unclean and he's beset with images of her with other dudes in his mind... You've got her apparently lashing out. You've got him (over)reacting in kind.

If I were on any other board I'd have a choice acronym to follow those observations with...

First, let me say that I agree with the people here that say he should not be responding in kind. To imply that women's suffrage for equality in the workplace or society means that now they are on equal footing on physical terms with a man is just preposterous.

I'm 6'3" and pretty strongly built. My wife is 5'5" and pretty gracile. I outweigh her by about 100lbs. The sexual dimorphism in many couples is along those lines. As said by others - we (men) simply have an ability to inflict far more damage to our mates than they do to us. As a result - we have to be even more restrained in our use of force. That's not to say that a woman should be allowed to act like a violent and petulant child...but we are not to respond in kind (both for moral and pragmatic/physical reasons).

"Knocked my head against the ground a few times to make me acquiesce and come to my senses." C'mon now. That's a load of nonsense. As a man - if your wife is behaving miserably - you remove yourself from the situation.

As for her (peckaboo)...what's up with your behavior anyhow? Get a grip on yourself. What's going on in your head that makes you want to try strangling people with telephone cords and stuff?

You both are pretty young. Maybe you both need to go back home to your parents - see a therapist - maybe get yourself on some meds - and figure out where to go from there. The dynamic you've got going on now is just utterly destructive to both of you.

I have to say..this is about as PERFECT a post as I've seen on this entire thread so far..I APPLAUD your sense of LEVEL headiness..and its just SOO the 'truth' that its making me want to do this..:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:

I completely LOSE repect 100% f rthose who say..its 50/50 you want equality then i can PUNCH you throw you kick you if you hit me first ..I "get to retaliate" sounds about as hate filled and immature as anyone can be..I cant believe men who call themselves grown would even get there..and be somehow in COMPETITION with 'getting away" with hitting someone half there size its SICK..and saying well its only "fair"..

And yes Im in total agreement with what you say about Peckaboo..Peckaboo you are out of control and its not going to go away unless you seek to find some sort of peace inside of you a way to HAVE(CREATE) some peace inside of you instead of the turmoil and rage and pain thats in thier coming out makign you even WANT to physcially attack your husband (or verbally either for that matter those things said sometimes ring in our minds and hearts for YEARS to come )..

Peckaboo you are ABOVE this ..you are ..you just need to realize it..(((HUGS)))

Dallas
 
Upvote 0
R

Romanseight2005

Guest
All I know from reading this stuff is that there's a HUGE amount of unhealthy things going on in this relationship... You've got the hubby insinuating that the wife is unclean and he's beset with images of her with other dudes in his mind... You've got her apparently lashing out. You've got him (over)reacting in kind.

If I were on any other board I'd have a choice acronym to follow those observations with...

First, let me say that I agree with the people here that say he should not be responding in kind. To imply that women's suffrage for equality in the workplace or society means that now they are on equal footing on physical terms with a man is just preposterous.

I'm 6'3" and pretty strongly built. My wife is 5'5" and pretty gracile. I outweigh her by about 100lbs. The sexual dimorphism in many couples is along those lines. As said by others - we (men) simply have an ability to inflict far more damage to our mates than they do to us. As a result - we have to be even more restrained in our use of force. That's not to say that a woman should be allowed to act like a violent and petulant child...but we are not to respond in kind (both for moral and pragmatic/physical reasons).

"Knocked my head against the ground a few times to make me acquiesce and come to my senses." C'mon now. That's a load of nonsense. As a man - if your wife is behaving miserably - you remove yourself from the situation.

As for her (peckaboo)...what's up with your behavior anyhow? Get a grip on yourself. What's going on in your head that makes you want to try strangling people with telephone cords and stuff?

You both are pretty young. Maybe you both need to go back home to your parents - see a therapist - maybe get yourself on some meds - and figure out where to go from there. The dynamic you've got going on now is just utterly destructive to both of you.


I fully agree with this!:thumbsup:

Personally I do not think that a man SHOULD have to exercise MORE self control, in that someone with a weaker physique, usually the woman, should control herself and not do things that would make him feel the need to retaliate, and personally, I don't think women should just get away with that. However, even if she does, he really does have the capacity to do more damage and as such, really has no excuse for acting out physically on is wife.
 
Upvote 0

UK Fred

Newbie
Dec 4, 2011
130
9
✟15,306.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Retaliation by EITHER sex has no place in a marriage, regardless of gender.

Agreed

However, bigger, stronger men have a responsibility to control themselves for necessity's sake in a violent situation, just as a parent has a responsibility to not haul off and punch their kid in the face even if their kid "did it first." Every human being in the world has a responsibility legally and morally to be able to control themselves and react only with necessary force in a situation where self-defense is needed. Your argument that because women have gained more equality in society and in the workplace they should expect a punch back in the face from a man twice her size holds no water in any court of law. There are way too many alternatives to equal retaliation from a person with far more physical capabilities than the one who provoked them.

I amn not saying it is right: I am saying that it is what happens in life. It is the behaviour of women that is the problem that leads retaliation, and the problem is not legal, it is 'silly little girls' who think they are capable of taking on fully grown men, and when they don't take a telling to get out of their face unless it is a physical telling. There is enough evidence of women bragging about assaulting men on the internet too, if you want to look for it, for example on Dalrock's blog. But when young women keep getting told there is nothing a man can do that they cannot do just as well as a man, they forget about physiological differences if they ever knew that there were any. The feminazis tell them there are no differences at all. Women have lost self-control but they expect men to keep it after they have been on the receiving end of what they have provoked.<staff edit> I have seen some of this myself in my local city centre in the UK.


And yes, Boundaries is an excellent book and I highly recommend it!!! :thumbsup:

Glad you approve. It ought to be compulsory reading before marriage for both men and women.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Upvote 0

peckaboo

Newbie
Jul 11, 2011
394
33
England
✟8,184.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Thanks again for your prayers and for sharing your thoughts. I was at home for about 4 hours today but DH never came back - I don't think that's a cause for concern; it was a (rare!) sunny day, he might have just been outside making the most of the sunshine. So I sent him an email just covering the practical things I'd done at home - paid our parking ticket and that sort of thing - and reiterating that I believe that God can fully restore our relationship if we're willing to let him. I'm trying to keep our contact at the moment purely to the practical / logistics because I think a request for space should be respected as far as possible. Even when I went to talk about retracting the allegations I was only hoping to establish who had advised him to confess and where they were to support the retraction, not to get into any big emotional discussion about the marriage long-term.

To briefly answer some of your questions/comments, Dallas, yes, we do drink, but it's just a small glass of wine with dinner, or sometimes he has an ale. We don't "go out drinking". If we go to the pub, he'll have maybe two ales and I'll have a glass of wine, then it's soft drinks.

LuthersWife, I don't recall why I was trying to strangle him with the phone cord. Now that I try to remember it, I think actually I was trying to strangle myself. But whoever was getting strangled there are definitely times when I've been violent towards him, thrown a glass or something, or hit him in the face, even if not on that particular occasion. And I do believe that the violence inflicted by a woman on a man does just as much damage - maybe not physically, but in terms of disrespecting him or making him feel worthless or something.

EZoolander, I *really* wish that we could go back to our parents, or even just sit down and talk with them and get their advice, or for that matter ANY other married Christian couple. But we don't know any older Christian couples well enough to talk to them like that. And his parents live / work in Pakistan, and mine have recently moved to Canada. All our siblings also live abroad, apart from his younger sister and my younger brother, neither of whom are married or in a position, really, for us to stay with them (though I am currently at my brother's). We could skype with our parents but it's not quite the same. My parents are wonderfully supportive but are having their own in-law problems at the moment over in Canada so I don't want to pile one more thing on them.

At the moment I'm trying to take your advice and just concentrate on looking after myself, building up my relationship with God, and praying for wisdom. It's hard when you love someone, though, not to worry about how they're doing. He doesn't have any Christian friends, so he's not getting any of this encouragement that I'm getting. Am trying to reign in my control freak tendencies, pray that God will take care of him and fill his needs, and trust that He will.
 
Upvote 0

UK Fred

Newbie
Dec 4, 2011
130
9
✟15,306.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Oh, and thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look it up.

There are a whole series of them, Peckaboo, including "Boundaries in Marriage", "Boundaires for Teens", "Boundaries with Kids", "Boundaries in Dating" but the general "Boundaries" is probably the best, with the widest application in all areas of your life.

There is also a bokk by, I think, John Townsend, called "Safe People" that might be worth your reading after you have read "Boundaries"
 
Upvote 0

Luther073082

κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον
Apr 1, 2007
19,202
840
41
New Carlisle, IN
✟31,326.00
Faith
Lutheran
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Somehow with the dynamic of this marriage, I'm not sure books are what needs to happen.

I think the two of you need to be seperate and at least one of you, if not both of you need to see anger management professionals and a marriage councilor while living seperately, with the hope that you two can eventually become stable enough to get back together.

There is a problem that either one of you decides to solve your problems with violence. It's one thing to be in a verbal fight with your spouse. Its another thing if that fight pushes you to do something violent. There are some serious anger/control issues.

The phone cord thing is just scary. I don't care if you where wrapping it around his neck or your neck, you've got issues, big issues and you need professional help. I'm not against you getting closer to God and all of that, but this isn't something you can resolve on your own. So please please get help.

And get away from eachother.

Also in terms of his arrest you need to tell the police that the violence was mutual. Your change of story on who's neck you where wrapping the phone cord around seems rather convient. Really the fact is you are participating in this violence if not instigating it, and letting him take the blame for it, something that will appear perminatly on his record.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Also in terms of his arrest you need to tell the police that the violence was mutual. Your change of story on who's neck you where wrapping the phone cord around seems rather convient. Really the fact is you are participating in this violence if not instigating it, and letting him take the blame for it, something that will appear perminatly on his record.

right..great idea..if she goes to the police and says she assaulted him "first" and his story is the same..what they will do is ARREST her and charge her..Not let him go and arrest her isntead or let him out either..both of them will be charged with domestic assault..the police do NOT care if she "instigated" or provoked him.

If he hasnt already confessed she can say she made the whole thing up ..then she will be charged with filing a false police report..

Dallas
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

peckaboo

Newbie
Jul 11, 2011
394
33
England
✟8,184.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I did tell the police right from the start that the violence was mutual and that I often instigated it. They said it doesn't make a difference.

He did already confess, but he said to me that that was largely because he was told by the detective interviewing him that it would be easiest for him to just go with it, and that if he confessed it wouldn't have to go to court. If they have a recording of him being told that maybe it will make his confession count for less..?

I asked a lawyer friend about retracting the allegation and saying I'd made the whole thing up. He said if they believe me and don't decide that DH has put pressure on me to do that, I'll get charged either with wasting police time (which gets you an £80 fine and a short stint in jail) or perverting the course of justice (which can get you anything up to a life sentence).

In some ways I don't care if I get arrested or get a police record, which I think I will if I go in and retract the allegation. I've been in trouble my whole life so it's not a new, terrifying thing for me to have to face punishment. And I was brought up that if you make your bed you'd better be ready to lie in it. So if I go to jail I can accept that that's the consequence of my actions - that's the one thing in this whole situation that I actually feel pretty calm about; the possibility of going to jail. He's never been in trouble, not at school, not with his parents, not ever, so it was extra-traumatic for him.
 
Upvote 0

Conservativation

Well-Known Member
Jun 18, 2009
11,163
416
✟13,552.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
right..great idea..if she goes to the police and says she assaulted him "first" and his story is the same..what they will do is ARREST her and charge her..Not let him go and arrest her isntead or let him out either..both of them will be charged with domestic assault..the police do NOT care if she "instigated" or provoked him.

If he hasnt already confessed she can say she made the whole thing up ..then she will be charged with filing a false police report..

Dallas


oh, and if its the truth, then the truth is told.....maybe a small thing but anyway
 
Upvote 0

mjmcmillan

Well-Known Member
Sep 27, 2009
2,555
896
69
Out there. Thataway.
✟5,089.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Private
Politics
US-Others
The phone cord thing is just scary. I don't care if you where wrapping it around his neck or your neck, you've got issues, big issues and you need professional help. I'm not against you getting closer to God and all of that, but this isn't something you can resolve on your own. So please please get help.

Phone cords??? Wrapping around the neck???? Hey, I'm all in favor of both of them getting closer to God. I just want them to wait until the appointed time to do it in person, face to face.

Edit: I just read Peckaboo's last post before Con's post above this one. Hoooo, boy. I think I'm going to hide. Engaging cloaking device.
 
Upvote 0

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
oh, and if its the truth, then the truth is told.....maybe a small thing but anyway

right the truth is they are BOTH guilty of assault they BOTH shoudl be in jail (if her account here is completley accurate)..if thats goign to make thier life eaier then go for it..all I can say is you cant unring a bell..the reality is they will be married with kids 10 years form now and both of them with a criminal record instead of one..she said she already told the truth anyway..

So the truth was told Cons..you should relax..maybe the police saw something that we havent seen..

Dallas
 
Upvote 0

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
If they have a recording of him being told that maybe it will make his confession count for less..?

NOPE...they are allowed to say whatever want including ball faced lies to get a confession ..thats all they want..and then thats all she wrote..

If you want to help him at all...do NOT write anything down and sign it..and stop talking to the detectives..their goal is to charge him..and convict him period..thats it..even with that they will supeana you as a witness..if you try to refuse you will be charged with comtmpt and treated as a "hostile witness"..

Dallas
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Luther073082

κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον
Apr 1, 2007
19,202
840
41
New Carlisle, IN
✟31,326.00
Faith
Lutheran
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I did tell the police right from the start that the violence was mutual and that I often instigated it. They said it doesn't make a difference.

He did already confess, but he said to me that that was largely because he was told by the detective interviewing him that it would be easiest for him to just go with it, and that if he confessed it wouldn't have to go to court. If they have a recording of him being told that maybe it will make his confession count for less..?

I asked a lawyer friend about retracting the allegation and saying I'd made the whole thing up. He said if they believe me and don't decide that DH has put pressure on me to do that, I'll get charged either with wasting police time (which gets you an £80 fine and a short stint in jail) or perverting the course of justice (which can get you anything up to a life sentence).

In some ways I don't care if I get arrested or get a police record, which I think I will if I go in and retract the allegation. I've been in trouble my whole life so it's not a new, terrifying thing for me to have to face punishment. And I was brought up that if you make your bed you'd better be ready to lie in it. So if I go to jail I can accept that that's the consequence of my actions - that's the one thing in this whole situation that I actually feel pretty calm about; the possibility of going to jail. He's never been in trouble, not at school, not with his parents, not ever, so it was extra-traumatic for him.

Well maybe you should step up, at least do so in court if he gets a trial. Fact is you shouldn't be letting him take the blame over something like this.
 
Upvote 0

Niffer

So...that just happened.
Aug 1, 2008
3,105
384
37
Ontario
✟20,246.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
CA-Conservatives
The entire relationship is volatile.
NONE of us have all the details, or know what happened except Peck and her husband.
So "who assulted who" no longer matters.
Maybe she does deserve to be in jail with her husband for assualt, but she called the police first.
He also had the ability to call them if he felt threatened.

What we do know is that they both need serious outside help.

I don't believe there is an "innocent party" here - so to get into an argument over who is less-guilty is pointless, much less spend the time typing out another gender-war.

Peace,
-Niffer
 
Upvote 0

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
She has a constitutional right not to testify against her husband. Its as simple as her choosing to invoke that right. Nothing they can do.

This is untrue..I was supeaned under threat of contempt of court to tesify to a closed jury(the GRAND jury looking to indict him becasue I woudlnt WRITE anything down or cooperate) AGAINST my husband for a felony against ME that I did not want to go forward with..including they can use ANY statments she has made already ESPECIALLY written (in a sense she has ALREADY tesified agaisnt him by doing that ..that is EVIDENCE agaisnt him IN COURT from HER) and charge her with pejury if she lies under oath...

The fact she committed a crime too is NOT part of HIS guilt or innocence..THEY do not care Luther..do you get that?I have BEEN though this over some SERIOUS charges that would have made my husband a convicted FELON(not a misdemeanor 2nd degree FELONY that they loweered from 1st) that woudl have possibly landed him 15 years in PRISON..

I KNOW what Im TALKING about and dont YOU ever accuse ME ever again about not caring about whats RIGHT or the truth..

Dallas
 
Upvote 0

peckaboo

Newbie
Jul 11, 2011
394
33
England
✟8,184.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Well maybe you should step up, at least do so in court if he gets a trial. Fact is you shouldn't be letting him take the blame over something like this.

He doesn't get a trial because he confessed. So he's already at home; in the eyes of the police it's done and dusted and the case has already been closed. I thought that if I refused to press charges they wouldn't press them on my behalf. I don't want him to take the blame for it; I just don't know how to undo what I've already done.

I am willing to go back to the police and retract the allegation even if it means that I go to jail for having made the allegation in the first place. For me to go to jail for domestic violence, DH would have to press charges. If he does that, I'm more than willing to confess - heck, I've already tried to confess. But I can't make them lock me up for that if they don't want to. I've already told the police that I've been violent with him, and they said, in these exact words, "doesn't matter, doesn't make a difference". He has to make an allegation for anything I accuse myself of to count.

I'm doing everything I can do to make sure he doesn't have to take the blame for this incident. But the fact is that violence is present in our marriage on both sides. No, I don't always instigate it. Often I do. Sometimes he does. I would like, and I've always wanted this and asked DH for this from about 3 months into our marriage, for us BOTH to get some help. I've never tried to "get away with" what I'm doing. But I'm not allowed to involve anyone else in the marriage. I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about what's going on, or what we're both doing to each other. Calling the police was the first time I'd ever involved anyone else, and I realise I picked the wrong people to involve.

Maybe I am like a small child trying to play an adult game, and probably we shouldn't have gotten married when we clearly can't deal with it. But we're here now and making a real pig's ear of it, and I know I'm doing it all wrong, but I don't know how to do it better and until know, as long as I've been living at home with DH, I've never been able to ask anyone except for anonymously, online.

I don't care about who's more right and who's more wrong. I'll take the blame for any or all of it if it makes things better. I just want us to be working on the marriage instead of tearing each other apart.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

dallasapple

Well-Known Member
Aug 13, 2006
9,845
1,169
✟13,920.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
He also had the ability to call them if he felt threatened

Yes he can as well as he can DEFEND himself agaisnt her and she CAN NOT.A womnn does not have the OPTION of overpowering the man..not in the long run hand to hand combat shes DEAD..this is the PHYSICAL fact and that is why the differnce in how a man is treated verses a woman..anyone who wants to play the 'but shes violent too card" will be luaghed out of the prosecuters office and their is a reson for that..Ezoolander exlpained it quite truthfully and eloquently..

Its not "equal' becasue its NOT EQUAL..

Dallas
 
Upvote 0
Status
Not open for further replies.