Well let me start by saying I first got saved and baptized at age 9 when I was 11 after hearing about the blasphemy of the holy ghost I was very troubled about it and would sometimes cry and not be able to sleep having the thought keep going off in my head I blaspheme the holy spirit or blasphemy of the holy spirit well eventually I was convinced that I hadnt accutually done it but it could have been what kept me from jumping deeper into a realtionship with christ.. Well after getting into drugs sex the whole 9 I ended up using an oujia board one day and was being stalked by demons I would surreneder to christ and feel instant relief but continued to use drugs, I sometimes would feel on top of the world but would be plagued with disgusting thoughts and realized I need to stop doing drugs, Well my friends dad a chritian prayed over me and I think I might have had some demons because it felt as if things left my neck and forhead, Well then he prayed for the holy ghost for me and I really felt him, he showed me some videos about your realtionship with christ which really touched my heart thanks to the holy spirit, after that day I began to read my bible everyday sometimes for hours and really fell in love with the lord and jesus, I relied on the lord for all comfort all day long because I was still being plagued by horrible thoughts, to the point were it was hard for me to do my job because I felt extremly akward around people including walking down the street going out to eat even my family etc... Sometimes I would think I finnaly got it and would be bursting with false confindence but it would quikly be shattered the second I talked to someone because I felt emmense guilt and shame and thought people could some how read my thoughts.. Well one day I ended up smoking weed..... And had a bad thought about the holy spirit... "the spirit of perversion" while watching a chritian program after someone mentioned something about the holy spirit, Im assuming it was because of the things I was dealing with and out of confusion pure stupidty and maybe even anger thought the holy spirit was causing me to go threw this or maybe I had the wrong spirit idk.. Well The next day I didnt even remmember that I had had that thought while I was high but all my previous guilt had gone away I felt a confidence I hadnt felt in years and I wanted to get out of my house " might sound like a good thing but I dont think soo" The next day I realized alot had changed and I wondered why and then I remmembered the thought I had, Mortified that I was dammed I began looking up everywhere what blasphemy of the holy spirit is its been over a month now and Ive had my ups and downs but my realitionship with god is not at all the same I used to talk to him about everything and now I hardly do, I feel like im stalking god or something... I know this all sounds crazy but man oh man Do I need help, If I could just get out of this sitution I would do everything god wanted me to do I still want to be a pasture and spread the good new I know I couldnt live with myself if I didnt but I REALLY REALLLY REALLLLY NEED HELP!!!! any advice ??
God bless
God bless
