Suicidal thoughts due to husband's inappropriate content addiction

[peckaboo]

Does anybody else out there struggle with this? I know I've posted in other threads about trying to understand his problem and be grateful for the fact that he's (allegedly) trying to change, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of his excuses and justifications and trying to put the blame on me. I'm tired of trying to forgive, of going to bed with someone and knowing that they're sitting in bed next to you, while you're asleep, looking at other women. I'm tired of praying for him. I'm tired of feeling rejected and inadequate. I'm tired of trying to be better, prettier, thinner, sexier. Is there anyone else out there who just doesn't even want to be here anymore, dealing with this day after day?

Added later:
Aside from this issue, he's a really good guy. He helps around the house, spends time with me when I'm lonely, and whenever we have a non-inappropriate content-related problem, he works with me in a mature and godly way to rectify it. It's only with regard to this particular problem that he just turns into a completely different person. That wasn't so bad at the beginning, but the deeper he gets into this addiction, the more often he turns into this other guy, and he just doesn't see that.

I'm scared of losing my godly and loving husband to this angry, selfish one that the inappropriate content is turning him into.

 

[hijklmnop]

I'm not there now, but was there for a long time in years previous. I know exactly how you're feeling. It's not okay! You need to detach from trying to help him with his problems and focus on the effect it's having on YOU. Can you see a counselor? I think that's extremely important. Seriously. So much changed for me when I started seeing a good counselor, a Christian who had experience with this specific issue. Is there a support group in your area you can seek out? For example, I went to Celebrate Recovery at my church and met other women there who'd BTDT and have helped me immensely by listening, understanding and advising. Plus, there's a few of us on here who definitely understand. PM me anytime if you need to talk. (hugs)

PS. One last thing: HIS problems has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you and don't listen for one second for anyone who even HINTS otherwise. It's his issue, and it has nothing to do with what you look like. I can't emphasize that enough. Believing so puts you in the bondage of striving for perfection in order to fix an issue...it's impossible and it'll never work because it's not your flaws that cause him to do this. It's HIS.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Peckaboo, I will PM you later, but for right now, know that I am praying for you, and your situation. Hugs.

 

[JaneFW]

Does anybody else out there struggle with this? I know I've posted in other threads about trying to understand his problem and be grateful for the fact that he's (allegedly) trying to change, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of his excuses and justifications and trying to put the blame on me. I'm tired of trying to forgive, of going to bed with someone and knowing that they're sitting in bed next to you, while you're asleep, looking at other women. I'm tired of praying for him. I'm tired of feeling rejected and inadequate. I'm tired of trying to be better, prettier, thinner, sexier. Is there anyone else out there who just doesn't even want to be here anymore, dealing with this day after day?

I don't struggle with suicidal thoughts, no, but definitely with not wanting to deal with my h's sexual obsession issues. Like Dreamer said, you have to find some way for to mentally and emotionally remove yourself from the equation.

BTW, if he is "making excuses and justifying and trying to put the blame on [you]" then I'm sorry to say this, but he is not trying to change. He is in denial. Change only comes after he stops being in denial. I don't want you to feel worse by hearing that, but to understand where he is at, which is still at the very beginning stages. Unfortunately, he is not going to search for change until he hits rock bottom - like any other addiction.

You can do one of several things. One of things is to NOT hurt yourself. If you believe really strongly that this is a risk, you need to seek medical assistance. I'm really serious about that. You seeking to hurt yourself will change nothing about your h's addiction. He might in fact use it as more of reason why he should continue with inappropriate content - because his wife is 'off her head' or something. You would change your own life because you would find yourself under psychiatric observation, and that could play into your future career and life in SO many ways. Also, it would definitely damage your family and others who love you. Do they deserve that? Nope. I'm not sure how I stand on the "sin" aspect, but it does suggest that you are giving up on God also.

I'm not saying these things to reprimand you Peekaboo, I just want you to see the whole picture, and there is a bigger picture outside of just you and and your h.

I know what it's like at this stage. In my case, I was having severe anxiety attacks and almost managed to drive off the road in the middle of one of them. That woke ME up that I could not allow my h's behavior to cause this level of stress and harm to ME. I owe my kids more than that, for sure, and I owe myself more too. And you owe yourself more. You DO have worth and God loves you absolutely and is with you right now, in all of your sadness.

So, right now, I can only suggest what I believe that the options are:

- Separate for a time, on the understanding that he get into counseling and seek release from this addiction.

- Just outright divorce, walk away, don't go back. Game over.

- Seek counseling together, while remaining in the same house, with the understanding that he STOP using inappropriate content, and that you put a program on the computers, to which you only know the password. Hopefully he's at a job where he can't access inappropriate content. If you have smartphones or any other internet-compatible handheld devices, disable the internet. He has to be on board for this and he needs an accountability partner asap.

- Wait for him to get better in his own time.

I truly don't suggest the latter, and I don't suggest that you become his accountability partner either.

I don't honestly advocate for any of these more strongly than the others. But I agree with Dreamer about separating yourself from the despair you are feeling right now, and definitely seeking counseling and support for yourself. Don't be isolated in this. It truly does NOT help. (Spoken by one that knows.)

 

[hijklmnop]

There is so much more to your life than what you are experiencing right now. I remember when it felt like it had taken over my life and there was nothing but misery. When I was able to remove myself from being so involved in his issues, I started to really understand and feel the truth that there was so much more to life than a) him b) our marriage c) what he thought of me and how he was doing. There's who I am, there's my relationship with God, there's my kids, there's my family, there's my friends, there's my hobbies...the list got longer and longer the more healthy detachment I developed from being in the thick of his problems. HE needs to deal with his addiction. YOU need to get help and support and simply figure out what you need to do in order to start feeling better no matter WHAT he does from here on out. For me, it reached a point where I had to separate from him for a while. That is when I started to be able to breathe again. You might benefit from that...I don't know. But I do think you need to get outside support ASAP. Don't let your husband's problem hijack your happiness. God wants so much more for you than this. Honestly I think the first thing I'd suggest is: get help, and the next thing would be: don't be his accountability partner. He needs to seek help from a professional and as far as an accountability partner, IMO, it should be someone who is not being hurt by his actions (you). You're taking his bullets and have no one tending to your wounds. Let him get the help he needs on his own (he's a big boy), and focus on getting the help you need. I can't emphasize enough how much my life changed when I got some distance, help, and most importantly, turned to God like never before regarding MYSELF, not him. I was so focused on his issues for so long my prayers even revolved around him! I had become a shell of my former self. God can deal with your husband in His way and His time. But you have to let Him deal with you, to heal you and equip you with strength, courage, and unconditional peace and joy...NOW. Don't wait on your h's healing in order to experience those things.

 

[Athene]

Ultimatum time - you or the inappropriate content.

 

[Autumnleaf]

She hasn't been trying to control it, from what I have seen of her other posts. She is just weighed down from it all. She's weighed down from trying to be understanding about it, and praying for him.

Its not her cross to bear. Her role is in acceptance of what she does not have control over. Just like if she viewed inappropriate content and her husband did not. Him trying to be controlling would only backfire and cause him to build resentments. You can't control other people but you can love them and pray for them.

For those of you who think she needs to do something, please show me one place in the Bible where a woman stood up to her husband and said, 'Stop doing x or we are finished. You choose, x or me.'

You won't find it because it is not there. It is not there because its not a wife's place to stand toe to toe against her husband. Her role is that of submission if the Bible is to be believed. The other side of that is the husband answers to God, a higher authority. So the man is going to deal with this but its not his wife's job to be the cop.

God and her husband both love her. The husband would quit if he could but evidently he can't. That is the nature of addiction. Addiction is an odd and powerful tool in Satan's arsenal.

 

[McScribe]

I know exactly how it feels. In late 2010 I gave it really serious thought, just ending it all, and considered it a few times last year. Not about inappropriate contentography, other stuff related to my situation, but it can feel like it is just too much.

I have a few things I'd like to say. First of all, no matter what, don't do it. Don't give up your life because someone is not respecting you, not treating you well. Your life is worth more than that. Always find some way to share what you're going through, even if it is with a stranger online.

I fell into the trap too of thinking that if I was a better person, I would receive the love in turn that I was giving. I needed to understand that the other person didn't love me, period. It's hard because you want to be forgiving and try to be understanding, and as Christians we are supposed to. If you think about it Jesus was rejected many times--and Jesus always did good. So being rejected, being treated with a lack of concern doesn't mean that you deserve to be.

I apologize for not knowing your story--I felt sick of talking about my situation so I understand if you don't want to, but if you'd like to, we're here for you.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Its not her cross to bear. Her role is in acceptance of what she does not have control over. Just like if she viewed inappropriate content and her husband did not. Him trying to be controlling would only backfire and cause him to build resentments. You can't control other people but you can love them and pray for them.

For those of you who think she needs to do something, please show me one place in the Bible where a woman stood up to her husband and said, 'Stop doing x or we are finished. You choose, x or me.'

You won't find it because it is not there. It is not there because its not a wife's place to stand toe to toe against her husband. Her role is that of submission if the Bible is to be believed. The other side of that is the husband answers to God, a higher authority. So the man is going to deal with this but its not his wife's job to be the cop.

God and her husband both love her. The husband would quit if he could but evidently he can't. That is the nature of addiction. Addiction is an odd and powerful tool in Satan's arsenal.

Everyone on here is telling her to detach as much as possible. But what you aren't seeing is that caring and being weighed down, is not even remotely the same thing as trying to control. The fact that she is hurt by the consequences of his actions, os not er controlling him, or trying to. Please seperate those things in your mind. She does need to control her thoughts about it, but just because she is hurt and weighed down, it doesn't mean that she is controlling.

This is interrupting her thread, so this is the last post I will make to you. Just please stop making assumptions.

 

[JaneFW]

Its not her cross to bear. Her role is in acceptance of what she does not have control over.

It is in fact her cross to bear, because his inappropriate content use is damaging their marriage. inappropriate content addiction is not a victimless crime. You don't accept your spouse's wrongdoing or the damage that they are doing to your marriage. Turning a blind eye to sin is a fool's game.

Just like if she viewed inappropriate content and her husband did not. Him trying to be controlling would only backfire and cause him to build resentments. You can't control other people but you can love them and pray for them.

But she doesn't view inappropriate content, he does. She's not trying to control. He has said he is giving it up. That indicates that he knows he is doing wrong. She wants him to do what he says he will do - commit to change.

If someone in your life is in addiction and you just love and pray for them and nothing else - you are enabling them.

For those of you who think she needs to do something, please show me one place in the Bible where a woman stood up to her husband and said, 'Stop doing x or we are finished. You choose, x or me.'

This is not gender specific. It has nothing to do with a woman standing up to a man. This is a spouse telling the other spouse that their sexual sin is causing damage. Male and female doesn't matter.

And he is committing adultery - just like scripture says.

You won't find it because it is not there. It is not there because its not a wife's place to stand toe to toe against her husband. Her role is that of submission if the Bible is to be believed. The other side of that is the husband answers to God, a higher authority. So the man is going to deal with this but its not his wife's job to be the cop.

You are just so wrong. So wrong on so many counts. It is up to all of us to hold our spouse's up and correct them.

God and her husband both love her. The husband would quit if he could but evidently he can't. That is the nature of addiction. Addiction is an odd and powerful tool in Satan's arsenal.

Sheer foolishness to say that he "can't" quit. Anyone that wants to quit an addiction can quit it. But first they have to stop committing the sinful activity.

I find this all deeply ironic given how many times I have seen it posted that if a woman won't have sex enough for him, the husband should threaten to quit - or actually quit - his job because why should he work if she won't put out. So a man can cause upheaval and suffering in his entire family over sex, but a wife whose husband is persistently committing sexual sin should just sit there and do nothing. Such absolute garbage.

Peckaboo, I hope that you recognize this for the hypocrisy and foolishness it is, and don't engage with it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It is in fact her cross to bear, because his inappropriate content use is damaging their marriage. inappropriate content addiction is not a victimless crime. You don't accept your spouse's wrongdoing or the damage that they are doing to your marriage. Turning a blind eye to sin is a fool's game.

Trying to make others do what you want them to is a fool's game. Try it if you don't believe me.

But she doesn't view inappropriate content, he does. She's not trying to control. He has said he is giving it up. That indicates that he knows he is doing wrong. She wants him to do what he says he will do - commit to change.

She is refusing to accept something she has no control over. There is no way to win that kind of game. What she is doing is giving someone power over her that he doesn't really have and should not have. ie 'You make me feel x because you do y.' The reality is you make yourself feel x because of what you think y means. Take ownership for yourself and stop putting your hangups on other people.

If someone in your life is in addiction and you just love and pray for them and nothing else - you are enabling them.

If you help them in their addictive behavior it is enabling them. If you love them and pray for them then you are doing what you should do and what you can do. Most people aren't wise enough to realize that.

This is not gender specific. It has nothing to do with a woman standing up to a man. This is a spouse telling the other spouse that their sexual sin is causing damage. Male and female doesn't matter.

It does matter if you go by how the Bible suggests things are by design. If its that bad the men in their family should confront the husband about it.

And he is committing adultery - just like scripture says.

inappropriate content is not even in scripture. People who get mad at people who use inappropriate content are judging someone else for a 'sin' that scripture doesn't even recognize. I'm sure there is a name for people who do that but I'm not sure what it is.

You are just so wrong. So wrong on so many counts. It is up to all of us to hold our spouse's up and correct them.

Wrong on which count according to which scripture? I, and everyone else, know I'm not very PC but when it comes to the Bible I think I'm pretty on target most of the time. I am eager to be corrected when I am wrong, so please correct me with scriptures that you believe disagree with my position(s). You would be doing me a favor if you do this.

Sheer foolishness to say that he "can't" quit. Anyone that wants to quit an addiction can quit it. But first they have to stop committing the sinful activity.

Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It can be quit but it involves more than just throwing the last cigarette out the window.

I find this all deeply ironic given how many times I have seen it posted that if a woman won't have sex enough for him, the husband should threaten to quit - or actually quit - his job because why should he work if she won't put out. So a man can cause upheaval and suffering in his entire family over sex, but a wife whose husband is persistently committing sexual sin should just sit there and do nothing. Such absolute garbage.

Some people have problems with the differences God assigned to men and women. I don't expect such people to understand or even want to try to understand things related to those differences. I do expect myself to be patient and tolerant towards such people though.

Peckaboo, I hope that you recognize this for the hypocrisy and foolishness it is, and don't engage with it.

Peckaboo, I see you and I see where your husband is. Be patient and loving and pray for him. Practice acceptance. What he does does not mean he doesn't love you. It just means he is stuck and needs God's help to get out of it. It would be like if you were trying to lose weight and your husband kept trying to 'help' you by calling it gluttony and buying you diet books and telling his friends how disappointed he is in you. Then maybe he would also blame himself... Would it help? Probably not. Love, tolerance and acceptance. I assume you don't have a weight problem, that was just an example.

 

[peckaboo]

Autumnleaf, I actually do agree with some of what you're saying, up to a point, and I appreciate your input. There are a lot of situations where a person's anger/fear can be dissipated when they realise that it's actually their beliefs about the situation that are determining their feelings, not the situation itself. However, in this situation, we had talked about inappropriate content use prior to getting married, and had both agreed that it had no place in a Christian marriage. So whether or not you believe that inappropriate content is wrong per se, he's violating a promise that he made to me. He also keeps telling me that he'll stop, and then doesn't. That's lying, and it's wrong.

Having said that, I realise that I'm responsible for the thoughts that I choose to dwell on, and if I were to attempt suicide, that wouldn't be his fault, and I would make that clear in any correspondence I left for him.

I know that men have different sexual needs. And I work hard to satisfy those. I look after myself, I'm in good shape, I initiate both sex and oral sex, I wear nice underwear, I send him flirty texts every so often, if I'm away on a business trip (as I am at the moment) I send him a nudey picture of myself or of us together or write him a graphic letter telling him what I want to do when I get back. So don't blame this on the inherent differences in a man's and a woman's sex drive. His sexual needs are being met.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Here is the KJV of Acts 5

Acts 5:1-11
But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,

... 2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.

3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?

4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.

5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.

7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.

8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.

9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.

10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.

11 And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things.
KJV

This is the word for privy:
suneido
suneido (soon-i'-do); from NT:4862 and NT:1492; to see completely; used (like its primary) only in two past tenses, respectively meaning to understand or become aware, and to be conscious or (clandestinely) informed of:

KJV - consider, know, be privy, be ware of.

This means that it was not instigated by Sapphira. Her husband did this, but she was totally aware of it, and didn't stop him, so she was held accountable, even to the point of death.

 

[peckaboo]

It is in fact her cross to bear, because his inappropriate content use is damaging their marriage. inappropriate content addiction is not a victimless crime. You don't accept your spouse's wrongdoing or the damage that they are doing to your marriage. Turning a blind eye to sin is a fool's game.

Thank you to everyone who said something along these lines. Part of our problem is that he doesn't really see it as any of my business. I looked at inappropriate content once, and told him about it, but he said that didn't hurt him so he doesn't understand why his inappropriate content use should hurt me. He says it's his problem and he can fix it himself without my help, without any outside intervention, and without reading any kind of book or doing any kind of bible study with me on the topic. I don't think he really believes that what he's doing is damaging our marriage, or if he does, he thinks the damage is being caused by my 'irrational' response to it, rather than be his behaviour itself.

If someone in your life is in addiction and you just love and pray for them and nothing else - you are enabling them.

Something that I really struggle with is not knowing what the right response is. I don't want to get so angry that I push him away and he never confides in me again, but I don't want to condone what he's doing, either. I do believe that he wants to stop, and I think some of his justifying and excusing is just a knee-jerk reaction to being put on the spot. But I don't know how to create an atmosphere that makes it easy for him to change. I just don't know, biblically, what I'm supposed to do in this situation.

I'm not there now, but was there for a long time in years previous. I know exactly how you're feeling. It's not okay! You need to detach from trying to help him with his problems and focus on the effect it's having on YOU. Can you see a counselor?

I meet with the chaplain at work (I work for a Christian organisation) every 2 weeks. Next time was supposed to be our last meeting, but I might ask him to help me with this. The problem is that we agreed early on in our marriage that I wouldn't confide in any great depth to a man about any marital or sexual problems we were having. (And that DH wouldn't confide in a woman.) So I feel like I'm betraying DH's confidence by doing that.

So, right now, I can only suggest what I believe that the options are:

- Separate for a time, on the understanding that he get into counseling and seek release from this addiction.

- Just outright divorce, walk away, don't go back. Game over.

- Seek counseling together, while remaining in the same house, with the understanding that he STOP using inappropriate content, and that you put a program on the computers, to which you only know the password. Hopefully he's at a job where he can't access inappropriate content. If you have smartphones or any other internet-compatible handheld devices, disable the internet. He has to be on board for this and he needs an accountability partner asap.

- Wait for him to get better in his own time.

I'm not willing to divorce him over this. I also don't think (yet) that it warrants divorce. We're only just in our second year of marriage. If it went on for years and years I probably would. I know all too well the nature of addiction, and how it gets worse and worse and you need more and more and stronger and stronger stuff. Even in the last few months I see how his inappropriate content use is increasing in quantity, if not in quality. As far as I know he's not into anything too too weird yet. If it went on for a long time and got to the point where he was using it every day, or even every other day, or it was interfering with our sex life, or if we had kids and there was a chance of them being exposed to it, then I would definitely consider divorce. But at the moment it'sn ot an option.

I think he wouldn't react well to the idea of a trial separation. That also gets into the territory of making his secrets public, and I don't know if I have the right to do that. I'd have to explain at least to our immediate families why I was choosing to live separately, and I'm frightened that that would destroy his trust in me completely and I'd never get him back.

He's not willing to seek counselling. He won't even read a book with me in the privacy of our home. We did have a program on his desktop that filtered the results, but a) he's computer-savvy enough to get around those things, and b) he has a netbook and a smartphone that he uses instead. He's not going to be willing to disable the internet on either of those; he LOVES his smartphone.

He tells me he'll fix it himself in his own time. I feel like the only option I have is to sit and wait for that, while slowly feeling less and less loved and appreciated. He doesn't understand that we became one flesh, and when he does something that defiles his flesh, I feel dirty too.

We'll have a period where he's "sober", as it were, and I'll start to trust him and sex will start becoming enjoyable again, but then he goes back to it and it's all undone. I'm just tired of trusting someone who keeps hurting me.

 

[mkgal1]

Peckaboo......have you shared with your counselor that you've had thoughts of harming yourself?

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote of Peakaboo
I'm not willing to divorce him over this. I also don't think (yet) that it warrants divorce. We're only just in our second year of marriage. If it went on for years and years I probably would. I know all too well the nature of addiction, and how it gets worse and worse and you need more and more and stronger and stronger stuff. Even in the last few months I see how his inappropriate content use is increasing in quantity, if not in quality. As far as I know he's not into anything too too weird yet. If it went on for a long time and got to the point where he was using it every day, or even every other day, or it was interfering with our sex life, or if we had kids and there was a chance of them being exposed to it, then I would definitely consider divorce. But at the moment it'sn ot an option.

I think he wouldn't react well to the idea of a trial separation. That also gets into the territory of making his secrets public, and I don't know if I have the right to do that. I'd have to explain at least to our immediate families why I was choosing to live separately, and I'm frightened that that would destroy his trust in me completely and I'd never get him back.

He's not willing to seek counselling. He won't even read a book with me in the privacy of our home. We did have a program on his desktop that filtered the results, but a) he's computer-savvy enough to get around those things, and b) he has a netbook and a smartphone that he uses instead. He's not going to be willing to disable the internet on either of those; he LOVES his smartphone.

He tells me he'll fix it himself in his own time. I feel like the only option I have is to sit and wait for that, while slowly feeling less and less loved and appreciated. He doesn't understand that we became one flesh, and when he does something that defiles his flesh, I feel dirty too.

We'll have a period where he's "sober", as it were, and I'll start to trust him and sex will start becoming enjoyable again, but then he goes back to it and it's all undone. I'm just tired of trusting someone who keeps hurting me.

Peakaboo

First you need to think about YOU right now. God wants you to think about you, He does not want His daughter destroyed by the actions of a man that is not showing the kind of love and respect that God instructs man to do.


You said
"I think he wouldn't react well to the idea of a trial separation. That also gets into the territory of making his secrets public, and I don't know if I have the right to do that. I'd have to explain at least to our immediate families why I was choosing to live separately, and I'm frightened that that would destroy his trust in me completely and I'd never get him back."

His secret is him violating what God instructs a man to do. Not only do you have a right but it may be your duty in the realm of promoting accountability. You husband is destroying or has destroyed your trust in him. You can tell your husband that what you are going to do if he does not show IMMEDATE real repentance that can be verified by you under your criteria then take action. That way you would not be breaking any trust. Your obligation for doing what is right for God and you is more important than keeping his secret violation of God’s teachings.

Sadly it seems that you are so afraid of losing him that you are willing to compromise. Hope I am wrong on that.

Peakaboo, I am not coming down on you it is just that I have been through a few addictions with very close family members and I have made the mistakes that seem you are heading towards.


As I have said, you need to concentrate on YOU; that is build yourself up in mind, body, and spirit and quit wasting your time thinking and doing things that you think will be your responsibility to fix him. You have already really proved that you are trying to help your situation by doing all those things you said about providing sex for your husband. As you have seen that is not doing it. Any man that wants his sexual needs to be fulfilled by his wife would be more than satisfied with what you have offered.

Instead of thinking about ending it all have you thought that maybe this terrible experience can work for your good (Romans 8:28) ? This experience can work to where you take this opportunity to build your spiritual relations with God. You may not get to the point where you can totally have all your emotions met by God, I know that the man-woman relationship is one that meets certain needs, but you can have such a better life than you do now by turning to God and having Him as your number one. This horrible experience that you are having can be the greatest spiritual building time of your life. If that occurs you will have much more security and confidence than you can with any man or woman.

You sound like a woman that many men would really appreciate but remember that man is fickle and you need a rock right now. God is the only rock that can and will ALWAYS produce for your good.

I just viewed a message by Charles Stanley (In touch ministries) and the title of that message was “His Promise to Provide “ In that message Dr. Stanley explains how to get His Promise to Provide. I found an outline of that message on the internet and have provide a link below if you are interested. I think that you can get DR. Stanley’s videos at IN Touch Ministries.


http://www.intouch.org/resources/sermon-outlines/content/topic/his_promise_to_provide_sermon_outline



Stan

 

[JaneFW]

Very good post Stan. Very good to hear this from a man.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Autumnleaf, I actually do agree with some of what you're saying, up to a point, and I appreciate your input. There are a lot of situations where a person's anger/fear can be dissipated when they realise that it's actually their beliefs about the situation that are determining their feelings, not the situation itself. However, in this situation, we had talked about inappropriate content use prior to getting married, and had both agreed that it had no place in a Christian marriage. So whether or not you believe that inappropriate content is wrong per se, he's violating a promise that he made to me. He also keeps telling me that he'll stop, and then doesn't. That's lying, and it's wrong.

Having said that, I realise that I'm responsible for the thoughts that I choose to dwell on, and if I were to attempt suicide, that wouldn't be his fault, and I would make that clear in any correspondence I left for him.

I know that men have different sexual needs. And I work hard to satisfy those. I look after myself, I'm in good shape, I initiate both sex and oral sex, I wear nice underwear, I send him flirty texts every so often, if I'm away on a business trip (as I am at the moment) I send him a nudey picture of myself or of us together or write him a graphic letter telling him what I want to do when I get back. So don't blame this on the inherent differences in a man's and a woman's sex drive. His sexual needs are being met.

He lied to you which is bad. Did he lie because he wanted to hurt you or to spare hurting you? Does it matter?

I don't think this has to do with sexual needs. I think it has to do with addiction.

An addiction is a behavior that is compulsive that people don't have much if any control over. Its something he has to accept and deal with if he wants to stop it. If he is there for you when you want him and he isn't cheating on you, well, it could be much worse. So he isn't perfect. You don't have to like it but you don't have to over react to it in a destructive way either.

Don't kill yourself over him or any situation. You are more than your circumstances. Sylvester Stallone was suicidal before he made it big in Rocky. There is always the promise of a new day.

 

[hijklmnop]

Awesome post Stan, great advice!

Peckaboo, I don't think you have any good reason to feel like you shouldn't go to a male counselor, but if that is what's stopping you at the moment then find a female one. Just find somebody with experience in this area that you can talk to. Your emotions are a normal and common response to your husband's behaviours. It's not okay that you keep blundering on like this, though; you NEED to get out of this rut and start feeling better, and trust me, you can...I say that as the wife of a h whose addiction started as inappropriate content and escalated over the years to much, much more than that.

I kept my h's secrets for many years too and I now know the difference between respecting someone's privacy/being trustworthy and enabling someone. What you are doing for your h by keeping his secrets as he requests is enabling him. I like Stan's advice. Let the guy know he has to quit or you'll do whatever it takes to hold him accountable. He can't think that you will just bear his burdens while he "fixes himself in his own time..." while to heck with the consequences he's inflicting upon you. That's insanely selfish! He needs to know that he is hurting you so badly that you're not going to take it anymore! That you love him so much that you won't sit idly by while he pollutes his mind and ruins his marriage. If you lose him in the process...trust me....you'll only be saving yourself and your potential future children many, many more years of the same heartache, only it will escalate as his behaviours do. (BTDT) Don't wait. Act now. Standing up to him and what he's told you you must do for him up to this point takes courage, but refusing to keep harmful, dirty secrets is doing nothing but hurting you and enabling him to continue on in sin as though there will be no consequences. He has you in an emotional chokehold and you need to break your way out of it.

 

[peckaboo]

I really appreciate the advice I've been getting here. It's incredibly helpful to hear from others in the same situation, and to get a couple men's perspective on things also.

First you need to think about YOU right now. God wants you to think about you, He does not want His daughter destroyed by the actions of a man that is not showing the kind of love and respect that God instructs man to do.

It wouldn't have occured to me to concentrate on building myself up or be nice to myself in this situation - I just feel so wretched over the whole thing. But I guess you (and a number of others who have said a similar thing) are right - God does want me to be taking care of myself. I'm reminded of the verse that says "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".

Sadly it seems that you are so afraid of losing him that you are willing to compromise. Hope I am wrong on that.

No, you are right. I've never loved anyone like I love this man, that's why I married him. I don't want to lose him; I'm scared to death of losing him. Sometimes I imagine living in a marriage that's totally free of inappropriate content, but it's never him in the fantasy, because I've never been in a inappropriate content-free marriage with him, so I can't imagine what it would be like. When I imagine that marriage it's always me and a faceless man.

Today I told him that I'm not going to accept this in our marriage, in the same way that there were some behaviours I exhibited early on in our marriage that he wasn't going to stand for. I got months and months of counselling to break those habits, and I can say with full confidence that I'm not going to return to them. I told him that it has to stop, it's not ok if it only happens when he's lonely, or when I'm sick and can't put out, or if it's only once a month, or once every 6 months. It has to stop. But he told me that might never happen. In some ways that was worse than any isolated occasion where he'd used inappropriate content. Now I think of our marriage, which only 16 months ago I was so excited about and looking forward to, and I just feel dread at the prospect of years and years and years of heartbreak and betrayal, over and over again. I don't want to live like that, but I don't want to live without him, either.

dreamer1982, how did your husband respond when you told him you weren't standing for it anymore?

I didn't go into any specific details with DH about what action I would take if he didn't stop, because he was so adamant that he could fix it by himself and was pretty unimpressed that I even had an opinion on the matter. But I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of it and I'll have plenty more opportunities to expand on that...