What Does the Bible Say About Dating While Separated?

[livin4christ9203]

Hi, it's been about a year and 2 months since my divorce. About the original question... do you think it's ok to date other people while you are married? Probably not! If you're divorce isn't final, you are still married!! That does not make it ok. You definitely need to wait until it is really final. The Bible is clear on what it is to date someone else while you are married.. it's adultery.. whether it's physical or just of the heart. You are married!! Also, while there is any chance for reconciliation... you don't want anything to stand in the way of that.

But even once it is final, it takes time to heal. I tried dating shortly after my divorce was final. I ended up finding out I wasn't as ready as I though. I dated a few guys.. but found it was just rebound.. trying to fill the void and put a bandaid on the pain.. instead of dealing with it and getting through it. So, I quit.. and about 8 months after my divorce I met this great guy... and we got serious fast.. I was certain I was ready.. I was doing great. No regrets, etc.. Feeling good.. confident in myself. We dated about 3 months... but eventually that fun/exciting stuff wore off.. and my insecurities started rushing back in... and while he made some mistakes as well.. I found out I really wasn't ready and still had work to do. I was close to that turning point but not quite... I found out the hard way. Ended up with my heart broken.

I then finally took the advice of everyone and got some counseling and even started a divorce recovery at my church... It was the best thing I ever did, and it helped me get through the insecurities.. and finish the healing process.. I'm still not perfect.. and will probably have some insecurities for awhile.. however I know how to handle them better.

One thing a lot of people don't want to hear is that it takes about 1 year of healing for every 4 years you are married... a lot of people use the excuse that everyones different... but a divorce is like a death....it takes healing. The divorce rate of someone who remarried within the first year after divorce is like 90% We all need time to get to where we are happy with ourselves. You need to wait til you are happy and satisfied with yourself being alone... ok with it, before trying to bring someone else into it. That may take less time or more time... it just depends on you. After my break up a few months ago.. I decided to start putting my focus more on God.. and becoming happy with myself.. and I am finally to that point.. I'm ok with being single.

I am so happy for the divorce recovery and I recommend anyone going through a divorce or separation to see if you can find a church around you doing it! It definitely helps you to see God's view on divorce... pretty much every aspect of it. But I'd be happy to talk to anyone about it.. and share what I have learned. I started it late, but I've enjoyed it so much... most of the people in my group are a little behind me... with their divorces not even final yet, so I've been able to help quite a bit.

But I can tell you that with time, it does get better! And God will give us the strength to get through it, if we let Him!

 

[overit]

I'm curious ..how long did your divorce take from separation till the divorce was final.
I did divorcecare also, it was great-but there isn't a one theory fits alls, maybe a one theory fits most, but definately not all. Too many components-how the marriage was-what brought the divorce, how long the marriage was, how long has the grief period been-many commence this YEARS before the divorce if said and done, etc., are their children, ages.

 

[livin4christ9203]

oh I agree with you... cause I believe my grieving started a year before the divorce was even started.. after he had his first affair... but it still takes some time from when it's final to heal. But that year before, is why I did as well as I did.. once i realized I still needed time, it didn't take long at all.. and I'm glad I took that time now!!

And as far as dating before it's final... that would be wrong, because technically you are still married.. regardless of the situation.

 

[romans324]

Hello everyone,
My story my be a little bit more complexed but I have asked this same issue and have had mutiple reponses and stuff. My wife had an affair in January 2007 we went to consueling but things seemed to not work well becasue I flet like I ha to do everything and she refused to help but wanted the marriage to work, without her working on her end. That entire year was very rocky, plus her brother passed away and also she became pregenant in around April of 2007. (I wished it didn't happen but what happens happens) There were many problems with that too. By JAnuary of 2008 I broke my ankle and the baby was born and we really driffted apart. I needed her help w/o me wokring and not being able to walk but she was always harsh to me. Eventually by MArch I found out she was seeing an ex bf and also looking for an apartment. Then in MAy she slapped a PFA on me took all 3 kids and fled the house. Going to her dad's and step mom ( who I later found out encouraged her to leave me). The last 8 months were rocky but I got primary custody of my oldest daughter. I lost the house and also my car but have been able to get another for the time being. The economy doesn't help the sitiuation any so I am living with my parents. It we are in the process of a no fault divorce just takes a while to process. She left me with all the bills and junk which puts me into a postion of having to declare bankruptcy. Now it seems like we still fight because she is irresponsible in taking care of the kids. I want to get to the point and end the conversation but she wants to just play games and bring friends into it as well. I have been able to make calls to my oyungest daughter and talk breifly to her mom about the baby (who is almost 12 months) but that's it. As far as us goes she had her chances and didn't want it. I can't trust her at all, her family tries thier hardest to get involved, and she lies about me all the time. That being said....I have since been going out but don't really know if it is dating? Seems more like developing a friendship with someone which I really enjoy. Is that really wrong? I sometimes do get confused with where the line is drawn. I know once the divorce decree is in my hands things will be smoother but as far as the grieving it seems like since January of 2007 and finding out about what she did then is where it started for me to realize it was over. I thought we could work it out but realized now I was only fooling myself and she really wasn't repentive. We have been married for 8yrs. ANyway any thoughts?

 

[livin4christ9203]

I personally think it's wrong, I'm sure others will have different opinions.. but it's because you are giving your time and everything to another woman... and if you are spending time with them... that is a perfect opportunity for temptation to sneak in... and to me as long as you are married, you shouldn't be doing that. Of course you can have friends of the opposite sex, but probably shouldn't have one on one relationships with them.. I do think however in your case.. by the time a divorce is final... you will have gone through most of the grieving and healing process and will probably be ready sooner than some. Although only you can really know when you are ready. You just have to be careful because we tend to want to fill that void instead of giving it time to heal, and then it just causes disaster.. and rebound.. because you weren't really ready. We really have to try hard to focus on what God would want us to do, and do you think he would really want you even "talking" to other women while you are still married? It's tough to know where to draw the line. I was guilty of it, but it just caused a lot of heart ache in the end.

I've also had a lot of friends and people around me tell me that the 2nd year after the divorce is worse than the first. I don't know how true this is for all... but I was surprised to hear that! I'm just beginning the 2nd year... although I started my grieving about a year before the divorce.. which really puts me in the 3rd year.

But anyway, just be extremely careful!! I will keep you in my prayers!!

 

[ido]

oh I agree with you... cause I believe my grieving started a year before the divorce was even started.. after he had his first affair... but it still takes some time from when it's final to heal. But that year before, is why I did as well as I did.. once i realized I still needed time, it didn't take long at all.. and I'm glad I took that time now!!

And as far as dating before it's final... that would be wrong, because technically you are still married.. regardless of the situation.

This is similar to what I experienced. I remember having moments as much as 6 months before I left where I felt like my house was no longer my home and I could feel myself detaching from my ex b/c he had already emotionally checked out on me when he started having affairs. I had a conversation with a good friend who is a pastor in November 2005 and he told me that the marriage was already over (b/c of my ex-husband's refusal to counsel and end his affair), I just needed to decide when enough was enough. That limit came for me in late January 2006. The night that I left, I never looked back. My divorce was final in August 2006 and I waited a full year after that to start dating again. I'm really glad I took the time to heal (and agree that dating while separated is sinful b/c a person is still technically married) and get to know myself again. It's made me a stronger person and a better mom to my kids, IMO.

 

[ulu]

Horrid sounding situation. I've not been married, so I may not be qualified to speak, but anyway...

I don't see a problem with going out on a friendly basis with women. Better than sitting home thinking about the pain of infidelity.

 

[ido]

Horrid sounding situation. I've not been married, so I may not be qualified to speak, but anyway...

I don't see a problem with going out on a friendly basis with women. Better than sitting home thinking about the pain of infidelity.

There is a danger in trying to distract yourself from the pain of separation/divorce. If you avoid it by keeping company with members of the opposite sex, you are less likely to work through the stages of grief b/c you will start to use that person as an emotional crutch. (I'm saying "you" in the general sense - not directing this at you). It is far better, IMO, to surround yourself with family and friends of the same sex while going through the process. There will be plenty of time for opposite sex friendships later on.

JMHO

 

[romans324]

That can be hard considering my family isn't really there for me and my stb ex drove all my friends out of my life. So where do I have to turn? Just wondering.

 

[livin4christ9203]

find a Christian friend or mentor... a pastor, counselor, or even just friends of the same sex... make new friends. I'm sure you could find male friends here who would be happy to talk with you... or even post here to us... we don't mind helping... but having one on one relationships with people of the opposite sex... is opening up all those doors to temptation.. which could lead you to commit adultery... and you can say it won't happen, but when you are dealing with so much emotionally, and haven't had time to heal, it's like she said, they become an emotional crutch.. and it ends up in the end being a rebound relationship. I promise you, you can get through it without that.. You have an awesome God who loves you and will give you the strength you need each day... it's hard, but you can do it... and never forget, when you can't talk to anyone else, you can ALWAYS talk to God!!!

 

[ido]

That can be hard considering my family isn't really there for me and my stb ex drove all my friends out of my life. So where do I have to turn? Just wondering.

find a Christian friend or mentor... a pastor, counselor, or even just friends of the same sex... make new friends. I'm sure you could find male friends here who would be happy to talk with you... or even post here to us... we don't mind helping... but having one on one relationships with people of the opposite sex... is opening up all those doors to temptation.. which could lead you to commit adultery... and you can say it won't happen, but when you are dealing with so much emotionally, and haven't had time to heal, it's like she said, they become an emotional crutch.. and it ends up in the end being a rebound relationship. I promise you, you can get through it without that.. You have an awesome God who loves you and will give you the strength you need each day... it's hard, but you can do it... and never forget, when you can't talk to anyone else, you can ALWAYS talk to God!!!

What she said. And as has been mentioned previously - find a divorce recovery group or a singles ministry at a church to join. Specifically the divorce recovery would be good for finding support through the divorce. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[overit]

I don't know-I guess I have a different perspective honestly-don't see a problem with opposite sex friends-I had plenty-and a rebound (which he was aware of) not every relationship you have is meant to be when you're a complete, whole, healthy happy person ready for remarriage. Sometimes recently divorced people want some companionship, good times and feel excited again. I don't see a problem with it honestly. As long as neither of you are getting into things too serious and she realizes that separated/recently divorced guy/girl can be all over the place and will not be ready emotionally to give back what they normally could in a relationship, it's good.

Some people aren't really into anything too serious but enjoy dating, the friendship, spending time w/eachother-again I had a few friends-while waiting for my divorce that took 1yr 8 months ... and I wouldn't trade those times for anything. And I'm sorry-but having been checked out of my marriage 2 YEARS before I was able to get him to LEAVE...I still spent about 6 months with no dating. That's already 2 1/2 yrs of grieving/healing....I would have laughed at anyone who told me to wait another years plus to even date. Sorry! Not to mention I never even had a partner all those years I was married.

I agreed I needed to do this alone and heal-and that I did..I'm still single 5 yrs later.

iWith these friends it was known it wasn't heading anywhere, but it was great for me. I spent plenty of time alone, single, healing, grieving, they weren't a crutch in any emotional way, believe me. I still fought my fights ALONE. For months, years even. But the time spent w/them going out, having laughs, being affectionate-were awesome, and they are all STILL great friends today.

Guys also tend to react differently-I've seen that it's harder for most guys to stay single-and that's how they 'seem' to work through grief quicker-with companionship-yes we all need to heal, but all do it differently, different times and different methods.

As for "it's a sin" ...well see...in Biblical times, a divorce was a written certificate served from the guy to the woman-no court, lawyers, waiting time, etc....it was given and it was done and people could go on w/their lives the next day if they wanted. So to assimilate that with todays divorces which can take YEARS...IMO it's completely unrelated-and unfair to expect people to not even have opposite sex friends or non-serious dating while waiting. But that's just me. And I truly don't believe it's a sin.

 

[ido]

overit - no one is directly disputing your opinions on the matter. We're simply sharing ours, too. Just b/c yours are different don't make them wrong or right - and the same goes for ours. If you didn't have the convictions we have, then that was your choice. I don't think anyone here is trying to tell you that you did things the wrong way, so please don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself - b/c that's not the case.

 

[overit]

Oh I know..I'm just presenting my opinion on the subject not countering the others by the way. Sometimes I think you take every post of mine that way flnt...not trying to get "touchy" but i wonder why so many times you respond to me this way, honestly. I hope you know I admire you girl-and consider you a friend.

 

[ido]

I didn't think you were countering them. I just took your last post like you felt you needed to justify b/c your opinion was different from the last few posted - that's how it comes across - and I was trying to encourage you and let you know that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone on here. I think sometimes any of us who have been through divorce - especially one that involved abuse - can feel like we're under the constant scrutiny of others for the choices we made/make...and I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling that way.

 

[overit]

I didn't think you were countering them. I just took your last post like you felt you needed to justify b/c your opinion was different from the last few posted - that's how it comes across - and I was trying to encourage you and let you know that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone on here. I think sometimes any of us who have been through divorce - especially one that involved abuse - can feel like we're under the constant scrutiny of others for the choices we made/make...and I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling that way.

Thanks flnt-I get it now-

 

[rppearso]

As I am going through my divorce I have noticed that there is alot of scruteny especially in church, people you thought were your friends now sing a different tune especially if you are dating during the process. No one told me I could not go to church anymore but I feel like im not welcome so I can see why people feel that way sometimes. I have found when it comes to sex people go off the deep end with there condemnation, I could be smoking pot and getting drunk and people would be like oh you should work on not doing that and be there for you but if you have a GF and are sleeping with them people can be very harsh I dont get it

I didn't think you were countering them. I just took your last post like you felt you needed to justify b/c your opinion was different from the last few posted - that's how it comes across - and I was trying to encourage you and let you know that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone on here. I think sometimes any of us who have been through divorce - especially one that involved abuse - can feel like we're under the constant scrutiny of others for the choices we made/make...and I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling that way.

 

[romans324]

I had issues with my last church. I didn't do anything but yet I always felt like I was the one that broke the marriage. Some churches are just not understanding and a little lie can ruin the whole truth. I tried counseling with the pastor there but eventually I seem to become more of an annocance. Right now I am in a new church and counseling with a new pastor that has been extemley supportive of me getting this divorce. What can I really do? I mean she lives/shares an apartment with her bf? It seems like divorce is the best thing.

 

[iambren]

find a Christian friend or mentor... a pastor, counselor, or even just friends of the same sex... make new friends. I'm sure you could find male friends here who would be happy to talk with you... or even post here to us... we don't mind helping... but having one on one relationships with people of the opposite sex... is opening up all those doors to temptation.. which could lead you to commit adultery... and you can say it won't happen, but when you are dealing with so much emotionally, and haven't had time to heal, it's like she said, they become an emotional crutch.. and it ends up in the end being a rebound relationship. I promise you, you can get through it without that.. You have an awesome God who loves you and will give you the strength you need each day... it's hard, but you can do it... and never forget, when you can't talk to anyone else, you can ALWAYS talk to God!!!

Thank you for the kind words from experience. I'm so glad I found this thread in the midst of what I'm going through... and the confusion I am having.
We divorced July '08, Christians,parents of 2, 15 years married, did ministry together. In the first year she began to be sexually untouchable. On the few times I was adamant we conceived. Emotionally she has withdrawn over the years,wouldn't kiss,allow touching, surface talk. I have felt very lonely with the rejection, yet I still love her. She won't deal with her fear of intimacy and seems bound. She's faithful,claims to love me,and is a good mother. We are each other's best advocates.
So I tried settle it with a divorce. I've grieved some, distanced a little, but last night I had sex with a lady friend...and I don't feel so good. I guess I want to kill the love in my soul, but I can't deny the love that's there(it seems holy and good), yet God has brought no answer to make it work. So my insides are fragmented. Counseling only revealed her denial but I DO love her but can't rid myself of her. I dispair.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

As I am going through my divorce I have noticed that there is alot of scruteny especially in church, people you thought were your friends now sing a different tune especially if you are dating during the process. No one told me I could not go to church anymore but I feel like im not welcome so I can see why people feel that way sometimes. I have found when it comes to sex people go off the deep end with there condemnation, I could be smoking pot and getting drunk and people would be like oh you should work on not doing that and be there for you but if you have a GF and are sleeping with them people can be very harsh I dont get it

I guess it depends on what church you go to. At my church you would be told that all of the behavior you listed is wrong. If the church leadership found out, you would be counseled a few times and if you persisted you would be asked not to come back until you were ready to repent.