Is Marriage Supposed to Be Hard?

How we talk about marriage matters.​

Giving marriage advice is a dangerous affair. It’s impossible to speak of such an intimate relationship without implicitly betraying some of your own marriage’s inner life. And it’s especially dangerous for the young spouse, as it’s entirely possible time will prove his advice misguided should his marriage turn sour in later years.

This was probably what more gray-headed couples had in mind when my wife, newly married, would say, “Marriage is so easy!” Some would smile and gently shake their heads, viewing this as the babble of a girl fresh in love.

But after some years of trials and tribulations, my wife is a little more gray-headed herself (don’t tell her I said that). And she still says marriage is a lot easier than she was led to believe.

Of course, marriage isn’t always easy. My wife has suffered through sicknesses, fights, and insomnia. She doesn’t mean we walk on sunshine. She means that marriage isn’t supposed to be hard—and the times that it is should be viewed more as an aberration than a norm.

How we talk about marriage matters. Marriage rates in our country keep plummeting, and we do them no favors if we paint matrimony as a lifetime of rubbing against a cheese grater.

Many spouses would balk at the idea that marriage isn’t supposed to be hard. But let’s think about the definition of that word. Sometimes when we say something is hard, we just mean it requires work, as all close relationships do. Sweat isn’t always pleasant, and sometimes taking out the trash for your wife really is difficult. But it’s a misnomer to say “marriage is hard” just for this. Though certain particular tasks of love can be tiring, that shouldn’t imply that the overall work of going on dates, chasing romance, and staying in love makes for a life of tedium and toil.

Other people just mean that married life is hard. They know that those optimistic lovers at the altar are likely imagining sunshine and rainbows for the rest of their days together. But every couple that steps out of the church as Mr. and Mrs. is entering a world of possible sickness, injury, financial strain, and death (see 2 Tim. 3:12ff). Even parenthood—the happier side of their future—will bring trials big and small. Yet it would be a mistake to say that marriage is hard. Life is hard—whether married life, friendship life, or perpetual bachelor life.

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