widows and divorcees

so you have to weigh each person as to whether or not they have earned and deserve your compassion. people who are divorced generally do not meet the qualifications. it is important to know who is to blame.

Yes, a divorced parent or widowed parent has a lot on their plate, and they might need help. But I don't feel like that automatically makes them as an entire group more needy, or more likely to put burdens on others. Most of the divorced parents I know seem to do just fine after they adjust.

I think if you continually find yourself being taken advantage of, then you should work on setting personal boundaries. The saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's fine to be nice and do favors, especially for people who might actually be more in need of them. But at some point, you have to draw a line when you start getting the feeling that you're being taken advantage of or that the favor wouldn't be returned. It's ok to ask for compensation for babysitting. Or you be strategic and help them help themselves.

I see, you care too much.

sounds like another group of people who don't pass the test for your compassion.

I'm catching on. Anyone who wears a badge of shame, a stigma, is undeserving and unworthy of your love. Maybe if we lived in another time people would be branded with a big letter A, for adultery, so we all know not to be kind to them.

Goodbook said:

I know this is a singles forum but some of us may be widows or divorcees and so have been married.

But as we are all singles, I want to discuss different aspects of singleness.
For example, I have friends/church sisters who are divorcees and others that are widows.

I was thinking how to relate to them, as even though I'm single, I don't have children for example. I get annoyed sometimes that, widows and divorcees can be quite needy.
And sometimes these needs are legitimate and other times its not a need but more like a complaint that I can't do anything about.

Thinking on this widows have my sympathy because their spouse has died and thus they are solo parent.
But often divorcees or separated couple say they are solo parent even when they aren't - eg they are co-parenting with their ex. I don't think they have a right to complain or place burdens on other people when they made wrong choices or lack forgiveness to their partner.

What do you think? What does the Bible say?

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How have your friends been needy? I'm honestly asking. In my experience widows and divorcees have been very strong and independent after losing their spouse, so I'm curious how your experience differs.

It can definitely be challenging to socialize with a divorced/widowed friend if they have kids to take care of, usually because they're trying to fit back into 'single' life yet they still have to be in 'parent mode'. It's a bit of an odd juxtaposition. My advice would be try to give them a little bit of extra grace since they're kind of figuring out how to raise their kids as the only adult in the household - and that's what divorcees usually mean by "single parent". In some cases the other parent isn't in the picture at all, but even if they are they still aren't around the kids all the time, so it feels like the person is raising them alone.

In both cases, I think it's important to be compassionate and gracious. It's not your responsibility to be there for them all the time or anything, hopefully they realize that too, but in those times when you do hang out with them, treat them as well as you would treat anybody else. Unfortunately, some Christians treat them like lepers, which is pretty messed up.

Regardless if they're parents or not, experiencing a divorce or the death of a spouse is devastating. Being divorced can feel like the spouse has died because your life suddenly transitions from being with that person constantly to them suddenly being gone.

Weak people will be weak and needy with or without a divorce or widowhood. Strong people will be quiet and won't be asking for your help. Maybe you just attract weak people. It would be more admirable if you offered help to people you see need help instead of waiting until they become desperate enough to beg for it. Kind of like watching a person drown as a spectator.

So help those who don't ask for your help, but don't help those who ask for help. Sounds like Jesus, don't help the weak and needy.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

Do what they need to do > get strong in the Lord so problems can't get power over you.

"No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier." (2 Timothy 2:4)

Do not allow anyone to tangle you in their stuff. But do what you can to help the person . . . at least so you can spend time with each other . . . so you can show the person your example of how to be and relate.

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

There are people who do not know how to love; so these can fail in marriage, then not know how to share with you. So, become their example >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

You are not required to control them and know what to do with them, but make sure you do what God has you d.

I'm old enough so the ladies I'm around have grown children.
The parents today have been called hover parents because they watch ever move their kids make and plan ever activity.
I let my kids find a lot of their own activities. So I'm not sympathetic to how much extra work modern parents put on themselves.

That being said I'd be glad to help as any single parents does need some help.
I'd not accept any condemnation for them asking or expecting me to do more than I can do. If I could do something for them and blow them off than I'd accept
responcibility.

My sister is married but takes the role of (nearly) a solo parent because her hubby works all day long and most days longer because he has his own business. I try to help out when and where I can.

redblue22 said:

So help those who don't ask for your help, but don't help those who ask for help. Sounds like Jesus, don't help the weak and needy.

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No, I said help people when you see a need and don't wait until they are desperate enough to ask for help. If I see someone who is starting to struggle in the deep end of life, I don't usually wait until they are actually drowning before I offer to assist them.

Goodbook said:

yes, well I'm not their mother, so, they can't expect me to be that for them.

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How do you know that's what they want from you though?

Goodbook said:

There seems to be an epidemic of divorced immigrants in this country, like, they will think its a good idea to marry and leave their homeland to start a new life here, and then the husband will leave them marooned here with a child, no other family members, to survive on their own.

I don't know why people do that. Or think they can. We have govt support in place to look after widows it was originally meant for them, as they are genuine solo, but for those that just had children and the dad ran off, well, they do have a benefit as well on top of it regardless of wether they share custody or not, thats why people don't marry, to get the DPB, domestic purposes benefit and claim the father is unknown.

then because they are getting financial support, the dads then don't think they need to support their own children. Its a mess. If I want to say anything its that, FLEE FORNICATION. Your life will be a mess, I know because often I am picking up the pieces. Even if you marry, often I find the people that have problems are the ones who fornicated before marriage. Then they married in haste, and boy, do they repent at leisure.

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Well I can't speak to any of that, I've never heard of it before.