My turning point was a time when I suffered so much that I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't a yearning to die in itself, it was the suffering and confusion. I thought that I'd have to kill myself to make it stop. I have never been so broken. I just cried and hit myself because I could feel the emotional pain physically manifesting in my stomach and chest and it wouldn't stop. I prayed. I don't even remember what I prayed. Probably just help, all of it hurt too much. Only many years later I realized that I was carried. Back then I wouldn't have noticed anything.
But that turning point meant a lot, because I fully surrendered myself for the first time to God. There were absolutely no pretenses, only a broken man, "naked" in a sense. I have never in my life been so powerless and realized it. For the first time, I was absolutely nothing. Whatever love I had, whatever life or job I had, whatever decent in myself, I had lost. I could only turn to God. Fully humbled. I needed that. I was assured that there was nothing else I could turn to, because I was fundamentally broken. I was carried, and I endured, even if it took a long time. God helped me, my mother and some friends helped me. I will always remember I can turn to God.
Later, He even let me experience something...I don't know. One brother in these forums described it as "a dose of the holy spirit". Complete comfort, complete peace, all in love. I have never felt anything like that, and never have since. For a small time I felt what I thought was God, perfect love. I wanted to tell all of my close ones immediately how much I loved them. There were no worries, only love. No trouble, only peace. It's hard to describe with words, but it was perfect. It was a gift, something I want all to experience. But I can't force these things or make them happen. But what I got out of it, even now when I'm not in that moment anymore, was great. I got conviction and hope, and I got the ability to love more. My love was fearful and selfish before. Still is, at times, because I'm just a man, and weak as anyone else, but I have more love to give than I ever did. And I want to give it.
I started to read the Bible more, especially the gospels and Paul's letters. I can always, still to this day, find something new and comforting from the same things I read. I started to understand and take in the love and wisdom that is in Christ. His words have all of it, all the time. I also started to understand this: useless fear doesn't come from God. It is written that we are not given the spirit of fear. But love, especially one that doesn't seek our own benefit, that comes from God. And I have tried to be honest with Him, because I can't fool God. If something bothers me, I give it to Him in a prayer. Sometimes I ask for guidance, sometimes for something else, sometimes blessings for people. And if I don't instantly get an answer, I still leave it to God. Sometimes the answer isn't "no", it can be "wait". We need patience, because we can't test God. I can endure the doubts and harder times, because I do believe that God is love. He doesn't trick us or play games with us.
I don't know what God's plan is for me. I don't know if He even has some complicated master plan for me. And if there is a plan, it can be something very, very mundane that's easy to overlook. It could be just living my ordinary life. I'm very content in not pondering about God's plans, because how could I understand them? I'm grateful that I'm simple like this. I can say "I don't know" to many things, and still know that I can turn to God like a child.
But what I do know is this: I have plenty of chances to love every day, plenty of chances to help, plenty of chances to tell people about Christ if they want to hear it. And every time I do it, I'm more at peace, and I feel thankful. I have plenty of chances every day to say "hi" to Christ, to seek Him.
My life isn't great. I'm mostly a shut-in, and I haven't worked for about 10 years. Still, I have never loved life the way I do now. I said a prayer for you, so that you would be comforted and guided gently.
Oh and don't worry about my rants. They're always like this, too long and not very cohesive at all!
