13 yr old daughter troubles

momofthree020409 said:

I'm new - just looking for a place to find advice, support, and encouragement. My 13 yr old daughter causes a lot of anxiety for me. Currently she frequently says that I am not her mom, that she must be adopted. She has also said things like "I hate you" or that her parents are dead, etc. Usually this happens when things don't go her way, or when she is under consequences for poor choices she has made. I do my best to shrug it off, and especially not show her my hurt or frustration as I know she wants to manipulate me or hurt me. Honestly at times I wish I could ship her off to a convent and pick her up again at 20. She is highly jealous of my love, affection, and time, and gets very angry when I spend time with or show love to my other 2 kids. Her dad either ignores her or only scolds and reprimands. He is rarely engaged with the family. He is a pastor and the church has his heart and his priorities.
Anyway, my question is for other parents of teen daughters - how can I get through this stage of being under constant attack, needing a break, plugging through, trying and trying again to raise my daughter to love the Lord, and to be respectful and kind? I have read "Age of Opportunity," "Shepherding your Child's heart" and "The Power of a Praying Parent", etc., among others. What do you do when your kid says they hate you or that they must be adopted? (Btw, it does sound funny, but she was angry when she said it.)
Thanks for the input!

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"Her dad either ignores her or only scolds and reprimands. He is rarely engaged with the family. He is a pastor and the church has his heart and his priorities."

That would crush me for real. My mom is a minister and my whole entire life she has always, always, always made me know for fact that my brother & I will forever be her TOP priority in life. Our church is thriving for sure, & her role as the leader is important. We are near DC & we have a lot of folks who are very important to running the country who are longtime members. Knowing that we're still her priority & she will be there for us makes it so much easier for me to understand when she needs to give a lot of time to our church.

I think the big problem here is with your husband!!!!!! Oh my gosh I'd be hurt for real if he was my dad & had that attitude. Maybe she says stuff like "I must be adopted" cause it's hard for her to understand why he treats his flesh & blood that way.

Gonna add -
Have you asked him to try to be more involved in her life? I mean does he not understand how crushing it would be for her that he only gives her the time of day when she's done something wrong? I think there's also a pretty big risk that she's gonna end up having her faith severely damaged cause he's not setting a good example.

I don't have daughters, but I am a woman who survived adolescence with siblings and a neglectful, uninvolved father. I have two sons, ages 12 and 17, who can be very dramatic and emotional. They also have an uninvolved father, whom I'm divorced from.

The thing about your husband being uninvolved is a huge thing. If she is not getting enough love from him, and has to share you with siblings, then it feel as if her parents are dead. It will make her resentful when she is disciplined, like she does not feel loved or attended to, but if she messes up, then youre going to notice. To a kid it can feel like all that is cared about is behavior or there are these expectations without love or relationship to base it on.

Second, kids are overly dramatic. They just are. Everything is really great or it is really horrible. They also learn very quickly how to use other people's emotions. On one hand, your daughter is honestly crying out for her needs to be met, and to let you know that she is hurting by saying these extreme things. On the other hand, if these issues aren't dealt with appropriately, she could learn how to hold people emotionally hostage. Saying those words can trigger people to react in ways that will give her what she wants, which will lead to her learning manipulation skills and how to control others through their feelings.

She needs boundaries and consequences for mistakes, but she also needs love and attention in addition to that. She probably also needs counseling. Your whole family probably does. Your daughters words are a huge indicator of that. My guess is also that if your husband isn't being the father he needs to be at home, then he isn't the minister he needs to be at church either.

Butterfly99 said:

"Her dad either ignores her or only scolds and reprimands. He is rarely engaged with the family. He is a pastor and the church has his heart and his priorities."

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That pastor IMO needs to be set down immediately to get his own house in order.

The daughter is acting out due to lack of proper attention of her dad.

I agree with Jam that he is probably doing a poor job of pastoring/discipling his congregation as well.

1 Timothy 3:5 for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?

Her father should be more engaged and you will probably just have to give her time to mature. If we look back in our own lives, we can see how ignorant we were in our adolescence.

When she says she hates you, I would recommend calmly saying "that is okay because I love you very much" or "I am sorry you feel that way right now, but I still love you very much." Make sure you two have time alone for just something fun now and then. To the adopted comment, you can tell her "well, you are not adopted, we tried and planned just to have you, but did you know adopted kids are very loved too and their parents picked them out special?" or use humor to diffuse the situation "Oh honey, there is no way you can get out of THIS family that easy" with a great big, loving smile on your face.

On a side note, could one of the other kids be telling her she is adopted as a way to try to hurt her? I know my siblings constantly told me I was adopted, and that if I was ever kidnapped the kidnappers would pay our folks to take me back. Siblings can be cruel when the folks are not listening.

Emotions run very high and hot at that age, and they need to know they can safely, and over time learn to appropriately, express them. They can state how angry they are, and mom and dad will still love them regardless. Genuine rage/anger is usually fleeting at 13. It does crop up more often than we like, but it thankfully is gone fairly quickly in my experience.

Dad needs to plug back in and also make time to have fun with his daughter too. A few short years from now and she will not be around for him to spend time with her, then he will be wondering what happened.

You sound like a nice mom, Mayzoo. My mom would say the same stuff you've suggested. Kids will say stuff they don't mean sometimes. It's good for the parent to be the one to stay calm & to have some grace about it.

momofthree020409 said:

I'm new - just looking for a place to find advice, support, and encouragement. My 13 yr old daughter causes a lot of anxiety for me. Currently she frequently says that I am not her mom, that she must be adopted. She has also said things like "I hate you" or that her parents are dead, etc. Usually this happens when things don't go her way, or when she is under consequences for poor choices she has made. I do my best to shrug it off, and especially not show her my hurt or frustration as I know she wants to manipulate me or hurt me. Honestly at times I wish I could ship her off to a convent and pick her up again at 20. She is highly jealous of my love, affection, and time, and gets very angry when I spend time with or show love to my other 2 kids. Her dad either ignores her or only scolds and reprimands. He is rarely engaged with the family. He is a pastor and the church has his heart and his priorities.
Anyway, my question is for other parents of teen daughters - how can I get through this stage of being under constant attack, needing a break, plugging through, trying and trying again to raise my daughter to love the Lord, and to be respectful and kind? I have read "Age of Opportunity," "Shepherding your Child's heart" and "The Power of a Praying Parent", etc., among others. What do you do when your kid says they hate you or that they must be adopted? (Btw, it does sound funny, but she was angry when she said it.)
Thanks for the input!

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I feel for you. I am a mom of 4 daughters with 2 of them being teenagers. It seems to me that she is lashing out for some reason. Maybe she wants her dads time and attention. This behavior can also happen if the child is spoiled and not used to the word No. When they here this word its hard for them to accept it because they are so used to getting what they want. I think you and your husband should spend more time with her. Let her know that you love her but also correct her when she is not doing what she is supposed to be doing. Try to sit her down and talk to her with no judgement, let her vent and say what she feels without her disrespecting you. If you would like can elaborate on why you think she is so angry....

Teenage girls need their dads. He anger may have some roots in his absence from his family. maybe you both could read the chapter on "spiritual adultery" by John Sanford in his book 'Why Good People Mess Up'.

John
NZ

The most important thing to remember is that she is not trying to hurt or manipulate you, she is trying to communicate very serious pain that she feels inside. I remember saying the exact same things to my parents when I was that age. I've seen so many teen clients who've demonstrated the exact same behavior and it is always linked to some internal torment, abuse or trauma. Whatever your daughter is dealing with - and it sounds like you've already explained what's wrong - she is suffering. Teenagers don't try to hurt their parents. Teenagers don't want to feel suffused with anger, misery and loathsomeness. If a child is acting out in this way, something is seriously wrong and it isn't about hurting you.

You've said that your daughter receives no positive attention from her father whatsoever. What a horrible experience to be going through! Rejection by one's parent is one of the most brutal and lasting traumas a child can suffer, and remains a constant source of pain throughout adulthood. You've identified at least one cause of the problem, my suggestion is to try to fix it as soon as possible. Your daughter needs her father. She needs her dad to step up and show her unconditional love, immediately. He needs to provide her with his time as well as affection, appreciation and validation. She needs the same from you. It might be hard to love someone who is acting this way. Remember, your daughter is suffering and this is her desperate plea for relief. Give her your acceptance, support and love. Let her know that you understand that her rage and frustration stem from a very real problem, and that you'll stand by her no matter what. I would also suggest seeking mental health counselling, preferably with a younger female psychologist that your daughter will be comfortable with. I would strongly recommend she be meeting with someone a few times a week to work through this problem. There may be other issues she will disclose as well, such as abuse incidents or bullying. I'd really encourage you to seek family counselling as well, and your husband will need to make an effort to participate, but your daughter should also have a separate psychologist that she works with independently.

Everything you're dealing with will continue and probably worsen unless real action is taken to resolve the issue. Despite the fantasy of shipping her off, she will not return to you at twenty a happy and well adjusted adult if this isn't fixed. More likely, there will be a future of alcoholism, drug addiction, promiscuity, rape, domestic violence, prostitution, self-mutilation or even suicide for her. Teens struggling with deep emotional wounds often turn to substances like alcohol, street drugs and prescription medication to numb their feelings, which can develop into serious addition. Girls without supportive fathers are very likely to turn to boys and men, typically much older men, for the love they never got from dad. This places them in real danger of early sexual experience, sexual exploitation and violent partnerships, as well as teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted illnesses. These are real risks for a thirteen year old with absentee father wounds.

It's natural to want to teach your daughter about Christ, but God is meant to be our Heavenly father. How can we understand that concept of a loving Father who cares for us if the only father we've ever experienced ignores us or treats us with contempt? Your daughter may be resistant to the message of God because she feels nothing but pain and absence when she thinks of a father.

I would suggest you and your husband both prioritize prayer for your daughter and pray for her healing every day. Reach out to God to help lead your daughter in the right direction, and to lead your entire family where He wants you to go.

Right now, your daughter feels terrible about herself and terrible about the rest of the world. She probably sees herself as unlovable because your husband has shown she isn't worthy of his love. Show her that she is loveable and that God loves her. Read her passages from the Bible that reflect forgiveness, redemption and love. Teach her about the God who knew her before she was even conceived, who formed her in His image and who sent his Son to die for her. Encourage her to pray and spill her heart out to God, to give Him the pain and ask for healing, to turn to Him with her questions and doubts. I wouldn't recommend the hard line, hell fire and brimstone approach right now. If you want to talk to her about the damage sin causes and why sin is wrong, ask her to give you examples rather than point out her sins at this time. She doesn't need more reason to feel you and your husband think she's bad. Instead, teach her about redemption and healing in Christ. The best thing you can do for her is to show her Christ's love. Let it shine through patiently even when she's at her worst.