I'm sick, I look and act healthy but I'm sick, unable to leave my house, physically ill, not mentally, PHYSICALLY ill. Doctors have been able to do nothing more than make my symptoms a little more dull, but still to much to get out and about. I can't work and live dependent on my parents.
Obviously this is taking a pretty serious toll on me because I'm in my early 20's and there doesn't seem to be a chance of anything changing anytime soon. School online isn't feasible at the moment (long story) and so I'm basically twiddling my thumbs all day.
The most painful part of this, by FAR, is the loneliness. Yes I have my family but I have no one my age who I see on a regular basis. I have a few friends I keep in touch with, but the lead busy lives and I don't blame them for the fact we don't get together much anymore especially since I can't really leave my home (at least not often and without a LOT of effort).
The worst part though, is (for lack of a better term) romantic loneliness. Ive never had a girlfriend, been on a date or 2 but nothing came of it and that was back when I could still work and at least pretend to be somewhat of a functioning human. I've never been especially good with women. In fact Ive been downright horrible most of my life. Ive never had that type of close companionship or anyone care for me in that way.
The loneliness eats at me, every single day, I can't avoid it, I can try to drown it out with anything I can imagine. Music, video games, learning, bible study,prayer, worship. All of it fundamentally fails to give me any meaningful relief from this torment,and yes, I refer to it as torment because it is VERY painful.
This desires leads me to make many mistakes, lots of lust. Which in several occasions has caused some fundamentally innocent flirting with women who I had befriended online (and I should stress that I know they are women, and that we have generally had 2-5 months of consistent communication) into something very very not innocent, and at times shameful.
I reach out, in a pathetic attempt for a moment or relief from this never ending pain, this desire for female companionship and love. most of the time these sins happen because I'm so beaten down that I just want a moment of respite, and in the moment all I can think about is how I want to have relief, not because I want personal pleasure (Though thats certainly a part of it), but relief from my pain. In the process I make a mockery of myself and my faith, as most of these friends know how strongly I believe in God and want to please him, but in those moments, I make myself out to be a hypocrite and slander the name of God with my actions, bringing about self loathing and hatred from my actions. Ultimately my actions don't bring me relief, the bring me a moment of relief and then weeks of guilt, of doubting my salvation, doubting my call in life, doubting I could ever do anything for the lord. My actions leave me empty inside, quenching the holy spirit, and thus drawing his power out of my life for a time.
I don't know what to do, its been weeks since Ive been out of my house, and months since Ive made it to a Sunday morning service ,I try to keep in touch with one of the leaders in my church, but Ive been unable to meet with him lately (he is an associate pastor and works another job as well, the only time he has available to meet is his lunch break most of the time, which I'm unable to do because its very far from my house).
This loneliness, its eating me alive. I have no way to meet women, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. I'm 22 and can't work, I'm effectively a cripple. I have nothing to offer other than love, which while it sounds nice, is unrealistic. I can't leave my house with any sort of consistancy, I can't take her on dates, and she can't come over here cause I still live with my parents. Its unrealistic. My church doens't have many people my age and the ones that are there are mostly married anyway. But I'm not leaving my church.
I'm defeated, I'm tired of making mistakes but I make them anyway, I know the right thing to do yet I don't do it, and I hate myself for it. I'm not sucidal, not in the slightest, though why I'm not is your guess as good as mine. Ive not been happy in quite a while, and Ive been suffering alone for quite a bit longer.
Obviously this is taking a pretty serious toll on me because I'm in my early 20's and there doesn't seem to be a chance of anything changing anytime soon. School online isn't feasible at the moment (long story) and so I'm basically twiddling my thumbs all day.
The most painful part of this, by FAR, is the loneliness. Yes I have my family but I have no one my age who I see on a regular basis. I have a few friends I keep in touch with, but the lead busy lives and I don't blame them for the fact we don't get together much anymore especially since I can't really leave my home (at least not often and without a LOT of effort).
The worst part though, is (for lack of a better term) romantic loneliness. Ive never had a girlfriend, been on a date or 2 but nothing came of it and that was back when I could still work and at least pretend to be somewhat of a functioning human. I've never been especially good with women. In fact Ive been downright horrible most of my life. Ive never had that type of close companionship or anyone care for me in that way.
The loneliness eats at me, every single day, I can't avoid it, I can try to drown it out with anything I can imagine. Music, video games, learning, bible study,prayer, worship. All of it fundamentally fails to give me any meaningful relief from this torment,and yes, I refer to it as torment because it is VERY painful.
This desires leads me to make many mistakes, lots of lust. Which in several occasions has caused some fundamentally innocent flirting with women who I had befriended online (and I should stress that I know they are women, and that we have generally had 2-5 months of consistent communication) into something very very not innocent, and at times shameful.
I reach out, in a pathetic attempt for a moment or relief from this never ending pain, this desire for female companionship and love. most of the time these sins happen because I'm so beaten down that I just want a moment of respite, and in the moment all I can think about is how I want to have relief, not because I want personal pleasure (Though thats certainly a part of it), but relief from my pain. In the process I make a mockery of myself and my faith, as most of these friends know how strongly I believe in God and want to please him, but in those moments, I make myself out to be a hypocrite and slander the name of God with my actions, bringing about self loathing and hatred from my actions. Ultimately my actions don't bring me relief, the bring me a moment of relief and then weeks of guilt, of doubting my salvation, doubting my call in life, doubting I could ever do anything for the lord. My actions leave me empty inside, quenching the holy spirit, and thus drawing his power out of my life for a time.
I don't know what to do, its been weeks since Ive been out of my house, and months since Ive made it to a Sunday morning service ,I try to keep in touch with one of the leaders in my church, but Ive been unable to meet with him lately (he is an associate pastor and works another job as well, the only time he has available to meet is his lunch break most of the time, which I'm unable to do because its very far from my house).
This loneliness, its eating me alive. I have no way to meet women, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. I'm 22 and can't work, I'm effectively a cripple. I have nothing to offer other than love, which while it sounds nice, is unrealistic. I can't leave my house with any sort of consistancy, I can't take her on dates, and she can't come over here cause I still live with my parents. Its unrealistic. My church doens't have many people my age and the ones that are there are mostly married anyway. But I'm not leaving my church.
I'm defeated, I'm tired of making mistakes but I make them anyway, I know the right thing to do yet I don't do it, and I hate myself for it. I'm not sucidal, not in the slightest, though why I'm not is your guess as good as mine. Ive not been happy in quite a while, and Ive been suffering alone for quite a bit longer.
