I don’t know why I’m writing this, I just need to tell…..someone.
My life sucks. I have health issues, “IBS” but that just means the doctors don’t know what wrong with my stomach, its a catch all. I get violent stomach pains sometimes, low in my stomach, accompanied by having to go to the bathroom. Nausea and fatigue as well. I can’t hardly leave my house, I spend most days at home. I’m unable to work, go to school, or socialize in person (at least in any sort of consistent matter). Today I had a bad attack, I don’t get these 2 often anymore, use to get them on almost a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. Its so painful. Its probably the most pain Ive ever felt, or close enough.
It passes that point where you think “this sucks, it hurts” to you no longer can think coherently. You don’t think anything, its just pain, I would say mind numbing except there is nothing numb about it. It throws your body into such a heightened state, your stomach lurches, now your queasy, now you are bent over, you can’t really see, but you don’t care, you don’t realize that till later. You know nothing but pain, and you don’t know how long it last, a few minutes, and hour, you can’t really tell, all the while your body is freaking out, anything could happen, shakes, cold sweats, you have to be careful not to hyperventilate from gasping for air(the last thing you need is to get dizzy), why your gasping you don’t know its just a reflex. Now your exhausted, still in pain but the worst has past and your probably in shock, your mind is numb, you can’t think straight. You finish up, wash your hands, bump into a lot of stuff on the way out the door cause your to tired to keep from bumping into stuff. Then, you can’t even crash, cause now your queasy/in pain still and the only thing that helps that is walking around, so you pace your house, tired, in a kinda mental haze, until 30 minutes to an hour or so later you manage to crash in front of your computer, at which point for some reason you now notice yourself tearing up, you don’t know why, its over, you should be happy, hopefully it won’t happen again for at least a month, it wasn’t as bad as some of them, it probably will only take a few days to recover, though your “normal” is still homebound and queasy all the time. Won’t be able to eat much food today, but thats ok, you need to lose a few pounds anyway, and its not like you can workout.
No one gets it, because you look healthy most of the time, you don’t want to complain to everyone around you about it, your family gets enough of that, so the FEW times you manage to get out you put on the face, and its not a lie, your happy to be out, or talk with someone, so no one really understands, and there is no point in trying to make them. They know your going through stuff, and no matter how well you explain it they just won’t get it. So you just let it slide, let them think what they will, its not your problem.
Your bored now. You pretty much have tapped out netflix and without a job you can’t buy many new video games and your to tired to write music, or skateboard, or practice and instrument. You love singing/screaming and your good at it but nasuea makes it hard to practice. You think, eventually it will get better, right? It has to, but for 5 years its gotten worse and worse until last year where your dropped out of college cause you can’t even do it from home. all you do is waste you life, and somehow manage to hold it together emotionally, but for how long? Another year, 2. You start to wonder if you will even make it to 30 years old, or if you will just drop dead one day from exhaustion or something else the doctors can’t figure out.
but do you know the worst part? The loneliness, the being stuck surrounded only by your family, talking ot MAYBE 3-4 other people total over the course of a week. It sucks.
I don’t know why I’m writting this, other than my life sucks and I just need to vent :/
My life sucks. I have health issues, “IBS” but that just means the doctors don’t know what wrong with my stomach, its a catch all. I get violent stomach pains sometimes, low in my stomach, accompanied by having to go to the bathroom. Nausea and fatigue as well. I can’t hardly leave my house, I spend most days at home. I’m unable to work, go to school, or socialize in person (at least in any sort of consistent matter). Today I had a bad attack, I don’t get these 2 often anymore, use to get them on almost a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. Its so painful. Its probably the most pain Ive ever felt, or close enough.
It passes that point where you think “this sucks, it hurts” to you no longer can think coherently. You don’t think anything, its just pain, I would say mind numbing except there is nothing numb about it. It throws your body into such a heightened state, your stomach lurches, now your queasy, now you are bent over, you can’t really see, but you don’t care, you don’t realize that till later. You know nothing but pain, and you don’t know how long it last, a few minutes, and hour, you can’t really tell, all the while your body is freaking out, anything could happen, shakes, cold sweats, you have to be careful not to hyperventilate from gasping for air(the last thing you need is to get dizzy), why your gasping you don’t know its just a reflex. Now your exhausted, still in pain but the worst has past and your probably in shock, your mind is numb, you can’t think straight. You finish up, wash your hands, bump into a lot of stuff on the way out the door cause your to tired to keep from bumping into stuff. Then, you can’t even crash, cause now your queasy/in pain still and the only thing that helps that is walking around, so you pace your house, tired, in a kinda mental haze, until 30 minutes to an hour or so later you manage to crash in front of your computer, at which point for some reason you now notice yourself tearing up, you don’t know why, its over, you should be happy, hopefully it won’t happen again for at least a month, it wasn’t as bad as some of them, it probably will only take a few days to recover, though your “normal” is still homebound and queasy all the time. Won’t be able to eat much food today, but thats ok, you need to lose a few pounds anyway, and its not like you can workout.
No one gets it, because you look healthy most of the time, you don’t want to complain to everyone around you about it, your family gets enough of that, so the FEW times you manage to get out you put on the face, and its not a lie, your happy to be out, or talk with someone, so no one really understands, and there is no point in trying to make them. They know your going through stuff, and no matter how well you explain it they just won’t get it. So you just let it slide, let them think what they will, its not your problem.
Your bored now. You pretty much have tapped out netflix and without a job you can’t buy many new video games and your to tired to write music, or skateboard, or practice and instrument. You love singing/screaming and your good at it but nasuea makes it hard to practice. You think, eventually it will get better, right? It has to, but for 5 years its gotten worse and worse until last year where your dropped out of college cause you can’t even do it from home. all you do is waste you life, and somehow manage to hold it together emotionally, but for how long? Another year, 2. You start to wonder if you will even make it to 30 years old, or if you will just drop dead one day from exhaustion or something else the doctors can’t figure out.
but do you know the worst part? The loneliness, the being stuck surrounded only by your family, talking ot MAYBE 3-4 other people total over the course of a week. It sucks.
I don’t know why I’m writting this, other than my life sucks and I just need to vent :/