Walking on the edge of divorce

whew! when i read your post i kept thinking you have the enemy in your home. she committed adultery ...you good to leave. you are a good husband. find yourself a godly wife. please leave this confusing and manipulating woman alone. yes i said it. you will heal. keep praying for your God sent wife.

I think you should give conselling a try. Obviously you love her and she must still have feelings for you to offer to go. What she has done to your marriage is horrible but if she's willing to work on it, it could be saved.

I am kind of in the same situation as you except I have 26 years in mine. We are supposedly trying to work it out. Some days seem good & some seem bad. Today is bad. To me marriage is a promise to God & you should so everything possible to keep that promise. Maybe give it some time to cool down & try counseling. Just pray & leave it to God. He will work it out.

Oh man. It was painful to read that. It's not often that I read something and I just sit there almost speechless, I have to admit.

Ok. Here goes. Bear with me, I'm just going to spit stuff out here and I'm not exactly known for my finesse.

The first mistake here was that you knew exactly what you were getting into and yet you married her anyways, thinking things would change. There's no such thing as love at first sight, but there is infatuation at first sight. You were drawn together on a level you're not even aware of (unconscious communication), based on where you were at at that time (and are still at from the sounds of it). Sure, maybe she had nice hair. Maybe she had nice eyes, maybe even nice legs. Those are the things women do to compete and attract a mate. It's very much like a peacock fanning its feathers. However, the actual connection is made on an unconscious level.

You're damaged goods. I'm not sure why, but you are. Even though you were putting your best foot forward and had your mask on, the unconscious communication prevailed and you attracted in kind and holy crap did you ever attract in kind. She's as damaged as you are. The both of you are highly neurotic and I hate to say it, but that's a whole level of psychiatric help that's out of my scope.

One example of what I mean. You leave the room, she follows you to perpetuate the suffering, to engage in the argument and go running off feeling like a victim. You love it (on an unconscious level of course). Holy do you ever love it. You typed out two pages of it. Now on a conscious level you state "no I don't. I really hate it! Look how hurt and angry I am". Sigmund Freud and Edmund Bergler would have a hayday with you. There's a lot of work you need to do around that or you're going to keep attracting these types of people, marriage after marriage.

It's time to put the brakes on...now. You know what happens next? Stuff gets smashed. Someone gets hurt...or worse.

Ok. Forget these sins this and Bible this and whatever else for the immediate moment. Not that they're not important, just that it clouds the issue.

Let's start with cheating. You screwed up big time. You're supposed to be the man that she would cheat on you with. She gave you a loud and clear message with the 50 Shades of Grey reference and you totally missed it. She's saying you're not a man. In fact I read your stuff and I'm going "who exactly is the wife in this marriage?" You come across as brutally feminized which is exactly what she doesn't want, what NO woman wants.

"What about my feelings? Listen to my feelings!" What...the....heck?!?! What exactly does a man know about a woman's feelings? Absolutely nothing. I can't make heads or tails of my wife. Half the time I listen to her and I'm going "where the heck did that come from?!" If you try to understand how a woman thinks you're going to end up in an insane asylum. Seriously. See how she shops? Multiply that fifty-fold.

Oh.. and then they get out THE LIST. It's fantastic. You're like debating like a champ. Man, you've got this thing all sewn up and she's starting to look smaller and smaller. Yup, I've got this and WHAM.. Out of nowhere. Something you did five years ago. IN YOUR FACE. Check and mate.

Oh yes. Her feelings.

It's not about her feelings. She needs a woman for that, not a husband. Read the 50 Shades of Grey. Seriously (don't give me this sin crap. That's the biggest load of rubbish ever). The book is about an extremely wealthy man that knows what he wants, knows exactly who he is and is a massively successful warrior, an alpha male. Yeah, ok he's into kinky sex. Big. Deal. That's what EVERY woman wants, though societal programming and movements like women's feminism is all but destroying that (and destroying marriages left, right and center while they're at it). Women want a powerful, successful man who is in control of himself...and a little bit of meeeeeow in the bedroom doesn't hurt either. It's true. Deal with it. The book didn't change a darn thing, believe me. It's just a book. My wife read that book and didn't leave me alone for weeks. It was like "read it again! READ IT AGAIN!!".

You couldn't give it to her so she went and found it somewhere else. That doesn't make it right, but it is as much your fault as it is hers. No pity here, you screwed up big time by being a woman in a man's body.

Don't listen to all this rubbish they spew about you don't do this and you don't do that and if only you did this and if you only you jumped through this hoop, this one and this one over here everything will be so much better. Rubbish! You can lose your mind jumping through all those hoops, only to have her move them the next day and you end up exasperated and no further ahead.

Brother, get your gonads back. Stop being a........cat. Be the man YOU want to be. I don't care how many times you hit someone over the head with a Bible, it's not going to fix a darn thing if you're not in your power.

Next. Stop being a fake, a fraud. Both to yourself and to her. She's got those gonads in her purse and they're not going anywhere. She's having too much fun leading you around by the nose. Time to stop the train wreck. Train yourself to nod your head yes and say a whole lot of "yes dear". Train yourself to do a whole lot of listening and a whole lot of shutting that hole under your nose. She needs to manage the relationship but instead she's pinning her failure as a wife on your failure as a husband. Don't listen to it. As you've figured out by now, you're both failing hardcore. She's invited you into HER relationship as her guest. It's her job to be a good host. Your job is to survive and to be a good guest. It's rough out there and if you're not a powerful man with your gonads firmly strapped in she will utterly destroy you and leave you shredded on the livingroom floor while she takes half your stuff to that man she's sleeping with.

Next, train yourself to really get control of yourself. Whatever it is you do on a daily basis, train yourself to do it impeccably. If it's you taking out the garbage, you own that stuff. If it's you bringing home the money, you own that. It's time you be the rock instead of a pathetic doormat.

God. Well. Here's the thing. You cannot cocreate in someone else's sacred space without their permission. God isn't your homie. He's not going to go roughing her up and say "smarten up woman!". He's not going to sprinkle her with anti-sin dust and drown her in love potion. That's not what God does. God helps you. He brings people and experiences to you. Exactly what you need, when you need it, to teach you the lessons you need to learn to move you towards enlightenment. Sorry, no grey haired dude with a long beard and a lightning bolt is going to beat that sinner into submission. May I suggest you ask for what YOU need to do, to learn, etc.

Satan. Satan this and Satan that. Do you really think he could care less? Here's Satan, taking over the world, looking for something new today. Let me see. Iran? Check. Saudi Arabia? Check. USA? Check. Clinton? Heck yes! Check. Hmm. I'm bored. I think I'm going to go over to prayerful's place and trash his marriage. Oh boy, it's going to be a great day today!!

Seriously. Give it up. Don't give away your power. You are part of the Divine. Realize and manifest your power.

Trust. Don't listen to that nonsense above about trust and cheating. Blah blah blah. People cheat every day. They ignore their spouse to spill their guts all over Facebook. They rob their family of time and intimacy because their faces are buried in their phones. They harlot themselves to the Kardashians and whatever other idiot treat of the week shows up. Just because your wife wrapped her legs around some dude's face doesn't make it any worse than what these other judgemental clowns are doing.

Trust is an irrevocable insurance policy. If you crashed your car and your insurance company refused to pay out the claim and cancelled your insurance instead that's a pretty useless policy. That's exactly how much value your so-called "trust" has. No matter how many times she makes a claim you can never cancel it. You must always trust her, that she'll always be the woman you married. She can do whatever she wants. You have no control over what she does. You never did and you never will.

MAN UP.

Or dump the broad. Whatever. If you want to hold to the letter of the Bible, you can leave her and feel vindicated. Have you never sinned? Have you ever put a video game, a job, a dollar, a drug, a car ahead of your family? If you're perfect then fine, cast the stone. Just know that it was as much your fault as hers and if you feel good about manipulating the Bible to vindicate yourself and give yourself a back door....well...You don't have any kids. Dump her, cut her a cheque for 50% and kick her to the curb.

OR MAN UP.

prayerful378 said:

Hi Everyone,


I am currently in a marriage that is on the boarder of complete destruction.

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She wanted us to be friends during and after the divorce, I told her that a person cannot be friends with a poisonous wild viper, and all I want to do is move on without her and that I will pray for her on her next journey in life and hope she finds that special someone.

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There are some major issues here, but this kind of sums it all up. She's been cheating on you, wants you to be something out of "50 Shades of Grey", asks for a divorce, and THEN says she wants to be friends?????

That's middle school stuff. Marriage is not the place where one goes to be "friend zoned". One or the both of you need some serious counseling, whether or not it saves your marriage.

Firstly I will say it is not a sin for you to divorce her. She already cheated on you. So if it comes to it you can divorce. But while it is not a sin to divorce in your situation, a divorce is never what God wanted.

Hosea had every right to divorce his wife. But instead he restored his wife.

That said both you and her have to fight for it. It cannot be all you.

I am sorry to ask but have you been giving her the sex that she had been looking for? It sounds like she is very dissatisfied with you performance in bed. I don't know exactly what this means. But it could mean 50 shades of grey, bondage type kind of sex. Maybe she wants rough and tough sex? Maybe she wants outdoor sex? Maybe she wants to play dress up? You two are married so you two should please each other in any way possible.

Another possibility is she wasn't a virgin and she is comparing your "performance" with her ex. That's the worst situation.

Did you ask her at which time did she cheated on you? Was it just a few weeks into the marriage? And was it with one of her EXs?

tough situation. I think you could maybe salvage the marriage, but I think you should live apart while doing counselling. You need to show her that you aren't messing around.

Tell her the marriage is up in the air, you easily have grounds for divorce but you are willing to work on things. However, tell her you are moving out, not to run away, but because you feel you both need time apart to identify your true feelings outside of this temporary conflict.

I guarantee she will put up a fight, but don't give in. Move out, give it at least a couple months, do counseling, check in with her every week or so, but don't get drawn back in to her drama surrounding her incredibly selfish choices.

prayerful378 said:

Hi Everyone,


I am currently in a marriage that is on the boarder of complete destruction.


Right now, I feel hurt, pain, suffering and anger at this marriage and right now, Divorce feels like a way of freedom from a mistake I may have made. I'll explain:


After dating for almost two years, I married my wife (I’m 33 and she is 25 years old, both Christians) in May 2015, for better or worse. We knew we had some problems in our relationship, but we knew we loved each other and that as long as we allow god first into our marriage, our marriage will survive anything. The first couple of weeks were great. We were living a blissful marriage, she told me how she felt, I understood I was taking care of her properly and that she was happy, thus I was happy. And we were serving god in our relationship, which I felt like I was on cloud-9. God is truly good to our family.


Perhaps I was blind to the upcoming storm that was happening. After the first couple of weeks, she suddenly started to shy away from me. She would reject my intimate touches and would walk away from conversations of "what’s going on". Her answer would be "you are not taking care of my heart". Ok, at this point, I am confused because I would ask her in detail on what can I do to help take care of her heart from my end, and she would tell me "I do not know, you will have to figure it out". I am confused, but not defeated. I decided to do some research on taking care of a women's heart. Few things that I saw that I wasn't doing, such as: doing "activities" with her that she likes to do(I hate some of the activities, but I will do them because I love her), listening without arguing because her feelings are from her heart and other things websites say that could help your marriage grow. After two weeks of trying different things, none of it worked. She either tried 5 minutes of it and just said “I don’t feel like it anymore” or just walks away.


She also has started reading these love novels like “50 shades of Grey” and other sex novels. She often compares the main character “Christian Grey” to me and asks “why can’t you be more like Christian” or “I’ll make you into a Christian Grey”. It angers me to a point that we got into a few arguments about her reading those types of books and reminded her on how those type of books is a form of sin that can “snare the mind and pulls you away from God and your loved one”. She ignored me and continued to read those types of books, always looking at me and sighing as if she is disappointed. Finally, I got to the point where I told her that that book is causing our relationship to fail, why doesn’t she read the bible instead and let that enrich her heart; we can read together if she wanted to. But her answer to that was “the books are not the problem, it only help me realize that I never was “in love” with you.” At this point, I am blown away, this women, the 2nd love of my life (God is first all the time), tells me that she was never in love with me and that she is miserable with me because she doesn’t have a “connection” with me, like those book characters have with their loved ones.


I’ll explain, she believes in a connection is formed on first sight, one that if you truly love that person, nothing can break them. Like a fairytale, when the prince meets the princess and they immediately fall in love and they have the bond that cannot be broken. He would jump mountains, and kill dragons for her, and she felt the same for him.


For a moment, my mind went blank. I felt like “What in the world did I just hear”. Out of the whole conversation, not one word of “God” slipped from her mouth. After that we had a fight and I had to walk away from her. I knew then, God was calling for me to step away and commune with him. I spent a few days reading about marriage restoration and how to be a good husband and how to strengthen your marriage. During this time, my wife was asking me to divorce her and let us both move on, because she made a mistake in marrying me and that she no longer loves me anymore. But I stood on and said “No, god will heal this marriage if we put him first, that connection will happen I will fight for our marriage.” For four weeks, I knew I was in the fight of my life, Satan was trying to break us apart but I wasn’t going to have none of that. I started going back to the gym (God’s temple needs to be “Cleansed”), prayed twice more every day and tried to listen to her feelings (without interrupting her and consoling her without criticizing her) and try to bring her back into God’s word on forming the “connection” she needs for this marriage to work. Took her out to new places to be alone and intimate with her because her complaint is that she “wants” to see different things. During all this time, she is constantly bombarding me with “I don’t love you anymore” or “Let’s get a divorce”. Even during those weeks, I caught her texting another guy (I snooped on her phone). I was furious, and wanted to confront her about this, but I kept it quiet and prayed that she isn’t doing anything that could compromise this relationship. I prayed for strength every day to fight off Satan’s attack against my heart and mind during all this time. For the first three weeks, I thought I was seeing a change from, she said to me “I like seeing these changes in you, it’s inspiring me to do better myself”, we were starting to get more intimate with each other and she was opening herself a bit to me every day. I felt a Joy that I have never had before because god was answering my prayer, and it makes me stronger and closer that I was before to God. But then it fell apart yesterday.


When we were eating breakfast, she wanted to play a word game. She asks me a question, and I would answer. But she asked me a weird question, and I wanted to know about the question, and she got frustrated that I didn’t answer the way she wanted to be answered. She then stood up and said “I can’t put of this sham anymore, I tried to love and care for you but I don’t love you anymore, let me go so I can find the person that can love me the way I want to be loved.” That was the straw that broke the camel back, we got into a huge fight and I left the apartment to cool down. After hours of praying and thinking, I decided that she is not my wife anymore and I need to let her go so I can find my “REAL” wife out there. I came home,(she was in bed watching television), grabbed my phone charger and some pillows to sleep in the other bedroom we have. This is when she confessed to me that she has been cheating on me with another guy. Luckily, I was prepared for this and told her “I Know” and left the room holding my anger back. She followed me to the other bedroom and we blew up in a huge argument and fight. I told her “I lost all respect, trust and now broken love with her and I want to move on without her in my life”. She wanted us to be friends during and after the divorce, I told her that a person cannot be friends with a poisonous wild viper, and all I want to do is move on without her and that I will pray for her on her next journey in life and hope she finds that special someone. This triggered another fight which I begged her to leave the room so I can commune with God because I am vulnerable right now. She then asked me “Do you love me?” I said yes I do, she said she wants marriage counselling and that if it doesn’t work out, we can divorce then.


At this moment, I am truly broken and I need restoration right now. Currently one half of me is saying “get a lawyer and grab the divorce papers, your only 70 days into your marriage”, another side is saying “Just hold on, Help could be right around the corner.” I don’t know what to do right now. I am seriously broken and I don’t think I can recover this marriage at all.

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Obviously try counseling. It really angers me when I see people suggest, "You have the right to divorce so go ahead!" Brother, marriage is not about your rights, but your obedience, and example of Christ. You showing grace to her is the best and most God honoring choice. Try counseling, and see what happens. Let God heal both of you, and your marriage. Do you know how much I would give for my wife to finally agree to go to counseling with me? She had an emotional affair, is still weighing her desire for this man, and justifies her desiring separation because of theological arguments we've had for years. I'm in a place where my faith is being refined each day (which I thank God for), while my wife has one foot out the door and hasn't told me truthfully what she wants to do yet. GO to counseling. Save your marriage. Be like Christ.