Marrying an Unbeliever

Megbot said:

Hey there,

My name is Megan and I need major help. I want to warn that there are touchy details included here but I wanna get right to it, nonetheless.

I've been in a serious, committed relationship with a non Christian man for 3 years now. It's been a great relationship and he's amazingly sweet and loving to me and deeply cares for me. In fact, he has an engagement ring for me and we've both been so excited to marry, talking about wedding plans.

But as a follower of Christ, I know I'm not supposed to "mix unequally." Honestly, the difference in our beliefs never bothered me that much until I woke up this morning and started giving God the kind of thought and attention He deserves at all times.
But anyway, my boyfriend is SO attached to me and quite frankly, relies on me for happiness. He's a wonderful person to be in love with but he has dark personal issues, including self-harm. To put it lightly, he's a danger to himself, and considering the fact that he seems to DEPEND on me for good well-being, I'm up against a wall.
I could change my entire life for God in a snap if I didn't feel so pressured by this.

So basically, I want to repent of my sins entirely and live purely as a Christian, but I also don't want to be responsible for literally destroying someone's life. I know that I need to choose God, but I don't know how to approach this. I feel so stupid for letting the relationship go THIS far before changing my heart.

Anyone that understands, please help. This is such a delicate situation and I don't know what to do.

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You are never responsible for the decisions of others. Get out now. Listen to God, not your emotions.

Megbot said:

But as a follower of Christ, I know I'm not supposed to "mix unequally." ...
To put it lightly, he's a danger to himself, and considering the fact that he seems to DEPEND on me for good well-being, ...
I could change my entire life for God in a snap if I didn't feel so pressured by this.

So basically, I want to repent of my sins entirely and live purely as a Christian, but I also don't want to be responsible for literally destroying someone's life. I know that I need to choose God, but I don't know how to approach this. ...

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Before I make one hard to take scriptural reference I want to tell you that I married outside the faith, a jack mormon, and paid a price for it, but God was merciful. I'll leave it there. But, nothing of the unauthentic responsibility you are predicting.

JustHisKid is on the mark. If you can do as you say and change your life for God in a snap, do it. Now.

Look up 1 Cor 6:16. The realities of relationships in God's eyes are that serious.
Among other points God makes in Mal 3:15 He emphasizes that He wants "Godly children". Is this possible in this current relationship - the erroneous concept of missionary dating aside.

This is really only a place for introductions, not advice. I would suggest starting a thread in the christian advice area.
Welcome to the forum

I married outside the faith---DO NOT DO IT!!--When you stand before God, what will you say--I had to marry Him against your wishes because he was going to kill himself?? You do not save anyone--Christ does. This is nothing short of blackmail!! It is control, it is a form of bullying. Don't fall for it. My husband threatened it a few times---my response may not sound very Christian, but he never said it again---I said---"Let me know if you need some help!"-- and walked away.
I had a dialysis patient who regularly threatened too commit suicide, he just didn't want to live on dialysis, and he controlled his wife with this, I finally had enough after watching her cry-and sat down with him and explained just how easy it is for a dialysis patient to kill themselves (several have done it and they all know how easy it is, I wasn't telling him anything he didn't know)--he stared at me, didn't say a word, and never mentioned it again. His wife said she wished she had said it years ago. Of course, it could be argued that if they had done anything I would be feeling differently---perhaps. I just didn't feel they meant it.

Welcome to CF!
I think more support will come to you over at Christian Advice....I will sent our Chaplains there too!
Praying for you for a heart of peace. God's direction will come!

Megbot said:

Hey there,

My name is Megan and I need major help. I want to warn that there are touchy details included here but I wanna get right to it, nonetheless.

I've been in a serious, committed relationship with a non Christian man for 3 years now. It's been a great relationship and he's amazingly sweet and loving to me and deeply cares for me. In fact, he has an engagement ring for me and we've both been so excited to marry, talking about wedding plans.

But as a follower of Christ, I know I'm not supposed to "mix unequally." Honestly, the difference in our beliefs never bothered me that much until I woke up this morning and started giving God the kind of thought and attention He deserves at all times.
But anyway, my boyfriend is SO attached to me and quite frankly, relies on me for happiness. He's a wonderful person to be in love with but he has dark personal issues, including self-harm. To put it lightly, he's a danger to himself, and considering the fact that he seems to DEPEND on me for good well-being, I'm up against a wall.
I could change my entire life for God in a snap if I didn't feel so pressured by this.

So basically, I want to repent of my sins entirely and live purely as a Christian, but I also don't want to be responsible for literally destroying someone's life. I know that I need to choose God, but I don't know how to approach this. I feel so stupid for letting the relationship go THIS far before changing my heart.

Anyone that understands, please help. This is such a delicate situation and I don't know what to do.

Click to expand...

I agree with those who recommended getting out of the relationship, and I have the position of speaking from experience. My ex was extremely dependent on me, emotionally unstable, and suicidal. I was a roller coaster of emotions trying to deal with this and make it work because he loved me, and I didn't want to hurt him. Ultimately, I realized it wasn't healthy for either of us. Supporting his self destructive attitudes by continuing the relationship was harming myself and not helping him. Not long after I broke it off with him, God put a Christian man in my life, and I've never been happier. I hope my ex is doing well, and I pray for him, but I cut off contact. That was the best thing for both of us.

I would strongly encourage you to not marry this person and to discontinue the relationship. You know this is the right thing to do. Be gracious, truthful and firm in communication to him.. You can not rescue him. You might notify people that know him of your decision so they can be alert to his situation. Pray for him and trust him to God.

Learn from this and keep Jesus in the center of future relationships.

You are welcome to ask further questions at AAC
http://www.christianforums.com/forums/ask-a-chaplain-about-spiritual-problem-or-question.792/

Grace and Peace
Chaplain Steve

Meagan, I appreciate your situation because I was there once myself. I was with a terrific woman who was loving, nurturing, kind, worked hard, and was great with my son. I was absolutely head over heels for this woman. In my mind she was the total package. We were together almost a year when I proposed and i thought things would always stay the same. The problem is that she was not a christian. She took a bit of an interest in it to please me and would often go to church with me. I prayed to God about our engagement and he made it clear that the answer was NO. I married her anyway thinking that since we were so happy together that she would eventually become a Christian and things would work themselves out. I WAS SO WRONG!!! A married couple who is spiritually unequaled do not work well together. Instead of there being a unified oneness, it ends up being more like a game of tug of war where you are constantly pulling against each other.

Almost immediately after we got married she started refusing to do "christian things" with me. She stopped going to church and started balking at the bible studies we were doing together. As our children began to grow, I began to teach them about Christ and God. She would go behind my back and try to unhinge what I taught them because according to her "It doesn't really matter" She would tell them to just pray to anything. She convinced our son to make up a white unicorn and pray to that. Thing's went far, far down after this and only got worse as time passed.In the end we couldn't sincerely agree about any of the truly important things.It ended up becoming a truly loveless relationship. Not only that, but I had plans to become a pastor and missionary. Those plans were shattered because of the behavior and lack of belief of my significant other.

My mother also married an unbeliever and while they have been "happily married" for over 20 years she has also had lots of trouble with being the sole christian int he relationship. She has to tithe in secret because he yells at her that she is trying to buy her way into heaven. He also kind of makes fun of her whenever he sees her reading her Bible.

As a couple, you should be able to share everything. Honestly, do you want to be married to someone who can't relate to your love for Jesus or your desire to go to church? Wouldn't you rather have a husband who can be the spiritual leader of the home? Whom you can trust to teach your children and grandchildren about the love and grace of Christ? Who can truly, sincerely support you in any decision you make to live for Christ or to follow his lead in your life? Think about it. If Christ called you to serve in a foreign country what would your future husband say? would he go with you?

Meg, you're a pretty woman and seem to have your head and heart in the right place. It IS possible that after marriage your fiance will become a christian, but the odds are highly against you. I can't tell you where to go from here. The best advice I can give is to truly, sincerely get on your face before God about this and DO WHAT HE TELLS YOU TO DO. That is the only way to know for sure.

There is one thing I can tell you for sure though. If things end with your fiance, he may dislike you, but he almost definitely will not kill himself. I had a girlfriend when I was younger who kept me with her for months with the threat of suicide. We ultimately split up and to this day she is alive and well.

Also, keep in mind that his trying to keep you by his side with the threat of suicide is a form of manipulation and control. He is using it to pull your strings. Is THAT the kind of man you want to be with?

Megbot said:

Hey there,

My name is Megan and I need major help. I want to warn that there are touchy details included here but I wanna get right to it, nonetheless.

I've been in a serious, committed relationship with a non Christian man for 3 years now. It's been a great relationship and he's amazingly sweet and loving to me and deeply cares for me. In fact, he has an engagement ring for me and we've both been so excited to marry, talking about wedding plans.

But as a follower of Christ, I know I'm not supposed to "mix unequally." Honestly, the difference in our beliefs never bothered me that much until I woke up this morning and started giving God the kind of thought and attention He deserves at all times.
But anyway, my boyfriend is SO attached to me and quite frankly, relies on me for happiness. He's a wonderful person to be in love with but he has dark personal issues, including self-harm. To put it lightly, he's a danger to himself, and considering the fact that he seems to DEPEND on me for good well-being, I'm up against a wall.
I could change my entire life for God in a snap if I didn't feel so pressured by this.

So basically, I want to repent of my sins entirely and live purely as a Christian, but I also don't want to be responsible for literally destroying someone's life. I know that I need to choose God, but I don't know how to approach this. I feel so stupid for letting the relationship go THIS far before changing my heart.

Anyone that understands, please help. This is such a delicate situation and I don't know what to do.

Click to expand...

I was in such a relationship. He threatened with suicide and walked to the water with razor blades and came back when I phoned him. I broke up because God convinced me of sin when he didn't want to marry because of the money and I converted, I was so deceived I believed God saw us as married.
I just threatened him with hell and it was over. Later he wanted to talk it out and said he wanted a Bible and stopped with drugs and said the sinner's prayer and we married straight away because he had to have sex and I didn't want to live in sin. Everyone warned me, it was a disaster from the beginning and 1, 5 years later he went away. He hated everything about God, after a month used drugs again, demonic games.
You'd better first get saved yourself and then pray he gets saved. If you sin and put him above God by not obeying Him and marrying him anyway your testimony is gone and it won't help him. Encourage him to go to a good ministry to get help.

Once when I was in my early 20's, there was this job I wanted to take, an independent contractor sales job. I didn't have peace about it, but didn't pray about it because I was afraid God might not want me to do it. It wasn't something evil or bad or anything the Bible directly teaches against, but I was certainly not surrendered to the Lord in that area of my life. It turned out awful. The owner seemed to go paranoid and thought I was trying to steal his customers. I was 21 or 22 and hadn't even gotten much for my own sales. I had sales in the works, but I didn't see the money after he went paranoid. Anyway, it was a bad experience, and I learned that I can hurt myself by having areas that I shut God out of in my life.

I know it's a temptation to think "I'll make it right with God later. I really want this. After we are married, I'll surrender every area of my life to the Lord." Don't do that. You are just causing trouble for yourself.

When you are married, you are to submit to your husband. Then you may have this tension between going to church and submitting to him, and you'll probably be confused as to what is right. When you raise the kids, they need a godly father. You should be selective, choosing only a man who would be a good father to children, even if you don't plan on having any now. You don't know your kids yet, so it's hard to love them and do what's best for them, but think in terms of what is best of the children also, putting pleasing God first.

I know you feel an ethical obligation after spending 3 years with this man. That is a long time. And maybe you hope he repents and gets the emotional issues straightened out. I'm not saying that can't happen. But if he does repent, wait a while and see if his faith is sincere before accepting an engagement or talking to family about wedding plans. Wait until after he has been baptized and he has grown a bit in the faith. You can also share with him that you can't marry an unbeliever and shouldn't date one. I actually know two men who came to faith because of women they were dating or engaged to. One was a nominal Christian, and the other was a Thai who converted who actually went to church to convert just to get married, but said when he heard it, he believed, and after his wife died, he still went to church and remarried a woman in my cell group. It can happen, but that's not the usual story. The usually story is the kind of stuff you read on this thread.

Even if you marry a Christian, be selective. A lot of people claim to be Christians but don't live out the life the way they should.

Marriage is very fragile in our society. In some countries, and in ours 100 years ago, people had a better idea of what marriage is. There was social pressure to stay married because that's what you did because marriage is for life. Divorce was rare, just not something you did. But now, a lot of people stay married just as long as they feel like it. And you are thinking of marrying a man with emotional problems, so what if he doesn't feel like he wants to stay married? Even people who claim to be Christians often ignore what the Bible says about divorce, so how can you expect an unbeliever to have the fear of God when it comes to this issue or other moral issues in marriage? Human beings can fall into sin, but those who are in Christ have the grace of God and the help of the Spirit to enable us not to fall into sin. Even among Christian men, you should be selective about who you should marry.

As far as your sense of obligation and his emotional state goes, you did date him for 3 years. But his depending on you not to be suicidal is very unhealthy. Don't marry a man for reasons like that. You can let him know you can't marry or date someone who doesn't share your faith. Pray for him. Maybe you can introduce him to some men who can evangelize him. You can to, but sometimes it's harder to receive from someone so close who has been in a relationship like you have.

LinkH said:

But if he does repent, wait a while and see if his faith is sincere before accepting an engagement or talking to family about wedding plans. Wait until after he has been baptized and he has grown a bit in the faith. You can also share with him that you can't marry an unbeliever and shouldn't date one. I actually know two men who came to faith because of women they were dating or engaged to. One was a nominal Christian, and the other was a Thai who converted who actually went to church to convert just to get married, but said when he heard it, he believed, and after his wife died, he still went to church and remarried a woman in my cell group. It can happen, but that's not the usual story. The usually story is the kind of stuff you read on this thread.

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Yes, I know some who brought their partner to Christ but they all didn't compromise their faith, only were friends, made it totally clear they wouldn't date or marry an unbeliever. My mom almost has my dad saved. He's now 80 and it was really hard. First she backslid and a lot of fights, we weren't raised christian.