Narcissistic Christians?

He is insecure. My suspicion is that the narcissism is not the condition itself, but rather how the insecurity is manifesting itself.

Insecure people who always want to feel superior to the people they're around probably aren't going to accept correction/edification from those same people all that well, because that would involve a role reversal, and that would totally vaporize the foundation upon which he's built his sanity, and obliterate any false assumptions he's built over the years concerning his own self-worth. (It would be his anti-matter, if you will.)

You asked whether someone like this is a true Christian. No, I don't think someone with a neurotic self-focus can be a Christian. Christians are supposed to improve their surroundings, not wear them down over time through serial harassments.

My guess is he's got one or more very dark angels inside him, they've been there for a while, and they're trying to ruin his life by making him behave in a manner that will earn him rejection after rejection after rejection. Someone with some highly confident authority will have to address this, and cast those angels out. You are not that person, if for no other reason than you have "history" with him. It has to be a third party, a very strong one, a male in my opinion, and someone he's never met. Beyond that, I have no clue how to proceed. It would depend on how many (if any) churches there are around where you live that can really walk the walk when it comes to healing and casting out demons. (And if there are any, then getting him onto the property to start with.)

Absent intervention, typically a person like this has to descend, behavior-wise, to the point where someone cleans his clock -- either the legal version or the "street" version -- at which point he may finally acknowledge his condition and start down a path of recovery.

LWolfe said:

I took the "no contact" advice, which is supposed to be the best way to handle narcissists. However, he keeps texting, trying to call, emailing, and even showing up at my door like a stalker. I really don't know what to do.

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I would agree with that. It sounds like it's gotten to the point where you need to draw the line more firmly, because he's not respecting the boundaries you've already set. This sounds like it's already dragging you down, and that's not good.

As for whether someone like this can be a Christian, I don't know that there's a general rule. I do know that we all can have rocky soil in our hearts at times, but if we're His the Lord does not abandon us. "A bruised reed He shall not break; smoldering flaxen He will not extinguish." But that doesn't mean we should enable bad behavior. The Lord will show His faithfulness as a person goes through the necessary disciplines for his heart to be set right. And we shouldn't get in the way of that process.

I was very briefly - one month - married to a man with narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is often rooted in very deep insecurity - so deep that they must think of themselves as "more than" because they believe the rest of the world thinks of them as "less than." and ironically, the treatment for NPD is excessive admiration. This "treatment" requires many years and most often no one is willing to stay with it for as long as it would take, making "treatment" unsuccessful and perhaps exacerbating the problem.

You are wise to stay away, especially since he has taken interest in you. If you want him to go away, do something that is "less than" ideal. Iow, don't be perfect in his eyes. Find out what is abhorrent to him and then do it. If he truly has NPD, he will not want to associate with anyone who is not perfect or at least "the best." Don't be elite; they only rub elbows with the elite.

My ex was indeed a believer. Just because they have no empathy does not mean they don't recognize their own sins. In fact, shame over their imperfections is a huge deal to them, and some will find redemption in Jesus. I believe their shame and guilt is genuine and so is their need for the Savior - because Jesus is "perfect" he is someone that the NPD personality can not only count on for redemption, but is also someone who they can identify with in their "perfection" (you know, since they are so close to perfection themselves). I believe this dynamic adds to their resolve to be perfect, or Christ-like, if you will, but the problem is that they lack the self-awareness to see how they are not Christ-like. It's not that they go around deliberately hurting others (that would be someone who is sociopathic, or lacks conscience); it's that they lack the self-awareness to realize that they could in any way be contributing negatively to the world around them because they have already convinced themselves of their own advanced journey to perfection.

No matter what, his need to be seen as better than everyone around him will absolutely interfere with a lot of his relationships and I know for me, I could not last in that kind of relationship. On the plus side, people with NPD are often very intelligent and motivated, and they will rise to the top of their professions, justifying (in their mind) the idea that they are indeed, better than everyone else.

I think your friend needs delieverance.

Just like gay people can be christians and alcoholics and I dont know what else...people sin without being aware of how to not sin cos they havent compeletely trusted Jesus to deliver them. Sometimes its a process, and we have to face or name our demons to cast them out. . Pray for your friend? Dont engage, just pray. The holy spirit is the only one who can convict people in their hearts.

I am not close to anyone like your friend but some of their behaviours I recognise in some people. Jesus needs to be that friend to your friend who I think, must have been rejected as a child. Often stems from rejection.

If you feel guilty about ending a friendship with someone who has NPD, it is likely false guilt. The truth is, you want to love that person with godly love, but that is practically impossible to do up close with some people. Jesus loved the world enough to sacrifice himself for her sake. But he is not in relationship with the world; he is in relationship with those who accept his gift of salvation. Iow, it is a reciprocal relationship.

A relationship with someone who has NPD is very one-sided. They will only be in good relationship with you if it benefits them. If they do something nice or sacrificial, you can bet that it's not for your sake, but for the sake of what they can get out of being good to you. So while they may, for a time, have the appearance of love, it is not truly love. And since Jesus is not in relationship with the world, we also are not called to be in relationships that are not reciprocal.

But that does not mean you can't love him. You simply can love him with a more godly love from a distance rather than up close. After all, Jesus loved the world enough to give himself for her. You can also love this friend from a distance and have no guilt over it.

Just some random thoughts...

From what I can tell, there's nothing to "end," and there never was. At least that's how I read what you wrote. This wasn't a bf/gf thing, right? I think you're confusing two situations: 1) ending a bf/gf relationship and 2) putting distance between you and a nut case who's abused your goodwill for five years. See, either situation would require basically the same actions from you, so it's easy to confuse the two.

Some people like fixing things (other people, for example). Are you one of those? Are you going to walk away from this with a poorer self-image and a poorer sense of self-worth because you were unable to effect any changes in this guy? I'll bet he sees that tendency in you, if it exists, and he's been using that soft spot to run this ersatz "friendship" out four years and fifty-one weeks longer than it ever should've lasted.

What ValleyGal said about Jesus. He was an expert at walking away from people who persisted in being their own self-destructive selves. He even advised his disciples to do the same as they traveled from town to town.

I think women and men relate in totally different ways to the social circles they move in. Many of us men relate to individual people outside the context of the other individual people we might know. This is why it's so easy for most men to get in the face of someone who desperately deserves it, even if his sister is married to someone we hang out with, because we'll be glad to get in his face, too, LOL. But I think women relate to their worlds in a far more cohesive sense, i.e. as a complex web of relationships. Disturb one relationship, and the whole web destabilizes and starts shaking, and that's not a Good Thing. And so I think that's one reason women can tend to be a lot more gentle (or, dare I say, self-sacrificially passive?) in their relationships.

I've got no PSY degrees on my wall, so there's my YMMV for this reply.

In my experience with Christianity in general, I think (at least in the West US) that narcissism itself can often find a breeding ground within the religion itself.

A narcissist needs to fill what is called the narcissistic supply in order to maintain their image of themselves they want to have, as well as the image they want others to have of them. So they need to "feed" off of others, things, etc, in order to fill that supply. When that supply drops, they must find ways to fill it. Filling it involves tactics and techniques used to both attract others to them which can help to fill it, and also keep those who are already helping them to fill it to continue to provide. And this can be achieved any number of ways. A key to note, is that once a person or group or environment no longer supplies their need, those people are no longer of any use to them. So they disregard them, cast them off, or put them into new categories to cut them off and keep them from poisoning the supply so to speak.

Since religion is often a breeding ground for self-righteousness, spiritual/emotional/moral vanity, etc ... it is no wonder that you will find narcissists within Christianity. I think you also find what I call the "reverse narcissist" ... the one who utilizes concepts of humility, service, debasing themselves, etc ... in order to fill that narcissistic supply. These are harder to recognize, because on the surface they may seem "humble" and "meek", etc. They are often the ones heavily involved in spending time with others, sharing their hearts and having others share their hearts with them, serving others, taking on tasks and such that others may often not want to take on. They serve serve serve, often are filled with speech about love, mercy, forgiveness, etc. Smile on their face at the right time, tear in their eye when appropriate. They seem "genuine". They will confess to being imperfect, sinful, etc ... share openly about what they find to be ugly concerning themselves. But challenge the idea they may not be as loving as they think, or challenge the idea they may be wrong in some area, or ... and this is an absolute key ... try to get them to accept responsibility for their direct actions ... and you will see them turn into a hateful, emotionally and sometimes physically violent, defensive, creature. That loving nature will turn into spite and it will shock you. For some, they make this much more obvious than others. Take for example the person who is loving to one group of people, but can sip their coffee with a smile while talking about another group of people burning in hell for eternity (thus revealing the sociopathic tendencies).

This "reverse" narcissist feeds their supply through a form of "false humility". Threaten that supply, and you will see a night and day difference.

All of that to say, that I think it's rather common to see narcissists attracted to Christianity because it's a place to fulfill their supply, both the obvious narcissist as well as the not so obvious. On the surface, these people will almost always appear to be a great, or sometimes even flawless, example of what they are trying to project and maintain. But there will be "something wrong with them" you can't quite put your finger on. Places in conversation you just can't really go with them, and you're not sure why. They always seem to misdirect attention into areas they want it directed into, deflecting and bobbing ... you either go along with them to help them fill their needs, or you don't and get sidelined in some fashion.

Sounds like vampirism.
I notice..those tendencies tend to people who also evangelistic, but its the wrong gospel. Ultimately, glorifying themselves for being a self-righteous christian rather than pointing to Jesus. They might boast of their great faith in the miraculous, but when you dig a bit deeper, they actually dont really believe! Its their own power instead, not God.

Wolves in sheeps clothing, beware!

This guy sounds like a jerk, but I can't help feeling sorry for him. Being trapped in a personality where you basically programmed into thinking that you're just the best? Such a life would be so isolating. I really hope there is some way he can get help.

Just want to add..the scripture about not being unequally yoked also applies here.
It matters not that people SAY they are christian. It matters that they ARE.