Why is it that people often only remember God when something terrible happens, when a tragedy strikes and everyone seems to pray to God; or when they need extra help, or when they feel like something is just off with their life? It's not meant to be this way. We were all created fearfully and wonderfully and naturally needing our loving, forgiving God. We were not made flawless, but we definitely were made loved, and needing love. Needing love that is far beyond anything that any human could ever give. That is how I learned where such love can only come from.
I have always been probably the unhappiest girl that anyone who knew me would name. I was abused all through my childhood and early teens; I had two life-threatening eating disorders; I committed suicide several times and have been cutting for as long as I can remember. I hated life and everything and everyone around me. Every morning, I barely felt like waking up. All I wanted was to vanish and stop existing. I had bipolar, I had PTSD (still struggling with it but the Lord is helping me day by day!!), I had depression. The load I was made to carry was way too heavy for a little girl. I don't remember ever being really loved and cherished. I remember the fear, the tears, the pain and the hatred. I remember hiding a knife under my pillow in case my drunk stepfather would come in and try to hurt me. I would also carry my razor blade with me everywhere I went; for an obvious reason. I hated everyone and was raised a God-hating Atheist (can you imagine that, being raised hating something that I was told didn't even exist?). However, underneath all that, there was still a little girl, desperately wanting to love and be loved, seeking joy and happiness. Not wanting to admit it, I still prayed to God. And did I know that He would answer!
When I was 15, I thought I had enough of this. I took the knife and ended my life. I died and was dead, but Jesus had grace and mercy great enough to save someone so wretched, so He gave me another chance and my life was given back to me. Ever since I 'woke up', I left slightly different. I looked at myself and saw something special - even though up to that moment, all I could ever see in myself was a fat, ugly creature that didnt deserve love or affection. Shortly after that, a school teacher of mine, who was a Christian, felt the desire from God to share the news about Jesus with me. As funny as it might sound, I was hooked from the start. This new thought startled me. Jesus loves ME! He did something so amazing and beautiful for someone like ME! WOW! I repented and started going to church. I would skip lessons and tell my Mom I was going to 'see friends'. I started praying each night, holding tight a little cross bookmark my teacher presented me with, and would often go for hours without noticing it. I prayed for complete transformation of my life, heart, and mind. It took time, but it happened. I was being renewed deep from the inside. I felt like a little gentle plant, sprouting up from the dirty ground, new and innocent like spring itself. I still can't talk about that time of my life without tears in my eyes. It was so glorious. I will forever be thankful to my Savior for this. He's given me so much love, much more than I could ever comprehend or take hold of. I forgave all people who hurt me or abused me and prayed for them with love throbbing in my heart.
Then something amazing happened - I won a grant to go as a foreign exchange student to the US for a year, and I went. That year brought about even more happiness and wonderful transformations. I was blessed with a wonderful home church, where I met many amazing Christians who helped me grow in my faith. I can't say everything was always perfect. Yes, I did slip and fall many times, but Jesus has always been my help since I first accepted Him in my heart.
When I went back to Russia, I found a new church to go to. I do not want to dwell on that chapter of my life much, because it was particularly dreary. I was betrayed by people I held close to my heart from that church, and eliminated and excluded from a place where I thought I would be accepted more than anywhere else. Jesus has helped me to forgive them and move on, and has given me so much comfort.
Need I say that for pretty much all of my Christian life, I was being prepared and called. So when time came for me to go on ministry, I did not hold back. God has given me a wonderful, Godly leader, my best friend (who is a pastor and a worship leader) I travel and do ministry with. What else can I add? I am the happiest person on the face of the earth. God has changed me completely, has given me a new life, a new name and a new heart. I thank Him constantly and walk in His love every day. I praise the Lord for the amazing work He has began in me and for the path He has led me to. It's a joy. Truly, He is a great God, gentle in spirit, and His burden is easy and His yoke is light. It's an honor for me to be here and I will be happy to be friends with all of you. Love you with the love of God
I have always been probably the unhappiest girl that anyone who knew me would name. I was abused all through my childhood and early teens; I had two life-threatening eating disorders; I committed suicide several times and have been cutting for as long as I can remember. I hated life and everything and everyone around me. Every morning, I barely felt like waking up. All I wanted was to vanish and stop existing. I had bipolar, I had PTSD (still struggling with it but the Lord is helping me day by day!!), I had depression. The load I was made to carry was way too heavy for a little girl. I don't remember ever being really loved and cherished. I remember the fear, the tears, the pain and the hatred. I remember hiding a knife under my pillow in case my drunk stepfather would come in and try to hurt me. I would also carry my razor blade with me everywhere I went; for an obvious reason. I hated everyone and was raised a God-hating Atheist (can you imagine that, being raised hating something that I was told didn't even exist?). However, underneath all that, there was still a little girl, desperately wanting to love and be loved, seeking joy and happiness. Not wanting to admit it, I still prayed to God. And did I know that He would answer!
When I was 15, I thought I had enough of this. I took the knife and ended my life. I died and was dead, but Jesus had grace and mercy great enough to save someone so wretched, so He gave me another chance and my life was given back to me. Ever since I 'woke up', I left slightly different. I looked at myself and saw something special - even though up to that moment, all I could ever see in myself was a fat, ugly creature that didnt deserve love or affection. Shortly after that, a school teacher of mine, who was a Christian, felt the desire from God to share the news about Jesus with me. As funny as it might sound, I was hooked from the start. This new thought startled me. Jesus loves ME! He did something so amazing and beautiful for someone like ME! WOW! I repented and started going to church. I would skip lessons and tell my Mom I was going to 'see friends'. I started praying each night, holding tight a little cross bookmark my teacher presented me with, and would often go for hours without noticing it. I prayed for complete transformation of my life, heart, and mind. It took time, but it happened. I was being renewed deep from the inside. I felt like a little gentle plant, sprouting up from the dirty ground, new and innocent like spring itself. I still can't talk about that time of my life without tears in my eyes. It was so glorious. I will forever be thankful to my Savior for this. He's given me so much love, much more than I could ever comprehend or take hold of. I forgave all people who hurt me or abused me and prayed for them with love throbbing in my heart.
Then something amazing happened - I won a grant to go as a foreign exchange student to the US for a year, and I went. That year brought about even more happiness and wonderful transformations. I was blessed with a wonderful home church, where I met many amazing Christians who helped me grow in my faith. I can't say everything was always perfect. Yes, I did slip and fall many times, but Jesus has always been my help since I first accepted Him in my heart.
When I went back to Russia, I found a new church to go to. I do not want to dwell on that chapter of my life much, because it was particularly dreary. I was betrayed by people I held close to my heart from that church, and eliminated and excluded from a place where I thought I would be accepted more than anywhere else. Jesus has helped me to forgive them and move on, and has given me so much comfort.
Need I say that for pretty much all of my Christian life, I was being prepared and called. So when time came for me to go on ministry, I did not hold back. God has given me a wonderful, Godly leader, my best friend (who is a pastor and a worship leader) I travel and do ministry with. What else can I add? I am the happiest person on the face of the earth. God has changed me completely, has given me a new life, a new name and a new heart. I thank Him constantly and walk in His love every day. I praise the Lord for the amazing work He has began in me and for the path He has led me to. It's a joy. Truly, He is a great God, gentle in spirit, and His burden is easy and His yoke is light. It's an honor for me to be here and I will be happy to be friends with all of you. Love you with the love of God
