If you're remarried after divorce...

[SearcherKris]

How long was it after your divorce?

I've filed for divorce, but it is not final. I have been living apart from my husband since last June (9 months). I don't have another man waiting for me. I've not been unfaithful. I've not pursued anyone.

However, I'm lonely. I've been lonely for my entire marriage. My marriage has been dead for years. I want to love deeply and be loved in return.

DivorceCare recomends 2-5 years after divorce before starting romantic relationships with new people. Do I really have to wait that long? I don't want to, and honestly, I don't intend to.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to jump in too deep. I would like to start with just being friends with men. However, I honestly can't imagine waiting up to five years before looking for love again.

 

[libertybelle]

hi search. when i was going through my divorce i was dating someone else. he is now my husband, but we didn't marry until 3 years after my divorce was final.

even though we had known each other for 15 years prior to hooking up, i had some very clear lines. i insisted that we not enter marriage until 5 years had passed. that didn't work out but 3 years isn't bad.

i insisted we date and live apart. i outlined that i wanted all financial baggage cleared up that was ours alone before creating new baggage together. he too had been divorced, so i wanted all child support and visitation taken care of.

i also wanted the time so that each of us could gain a decent relationship with the children and that the children could also attain relationships between each other. unfortunately this didn't work out because my husband's ex became jealous and vindictive. so we seen his children twice and then they disappeared into the air, only to return when they were teenagers.

and i insisted that we attend church and become involved in ministries and activities.

some of this happened and some of it did not.

when is your divorce final? have you gone through some type of counseling so that you don't put in the old car (your ex) for a new paint job (a new husband)?

 

[HuntingMan]

How long was it after your divorce?

I remarried in less than two years.
I had decided to not even date again after I left my second wife for the last time because of her refusing to put away her adulterous relationship and work on our marriage.
Actually it was here at CF that I ended up meeting my present wife.
After I told God I wasnt dating or marrying again unless He basically hit me with a lightning bolt to let me know HE was choosing for me to marry someone, that was when it all happened.

I finally was at a point in my life where I was completely free of the 'need' to be married...to be with someone just to not be alone.
Both times I married it was more a compulsion than for any good reason to marry.

I've filed for divorce, but it is not final. I have been living apart from my husband since last June (9 months). I don't have another man waiting for me. I've not been unfaithful. I've not pursued anyone.

This is another reason why I dont believe Ceaser should be trying to rule over our marriages.
If you had cause for divorce and decided you were divorcing then NO godless man should be charging you money for that divorce or telling you that you have to wait X amount of time while they get their act together.
Not even Moses was given that sort of authority over marriage or divorce by God.

But the church has turned herself over to Ceasar (church "charters") so I guess giving him Gods marriages was only natural to do as well.

If i were you Id just make sure the divorce does go thru first before getting involved just to keep from giving certain people ammunition against you.

With my second divorce I was 'involved' to a bit of an extent before the paperwork was done, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Im on disability and my stepson had been abandoned by his mother after I left her and he was getting a small check each month to help support him that would be taken from him and given to my biological daugther as soon as the divorce went thru. My daughter is VERY well provided for and did not need that money...my stepson needed it desperately.
So I waited until he turned of age when hed lose it anyway before I filed.

I had declared my divorce to my ex very plainly she had even deserted her son to go live with her adulterer then demanded I file for divorce immediatetly (not even caring that her son would be left with no support whatsoever). Since I was living with family, not able to get my own place (long story) I couldnt let him live with me, so he was staying with some friends and different people just trying to finish HS.

Sorry for the long story, but different cases have to be handled differently than others.

However, I'm lonely. I've been lonely for my entire marriage. My marriage has been dead for years. I want to love deeply and be loved in return.

DivorceCare recomends 2-5 years after divorce before starting romantic relationships with new people. Do I really have to wait that long? I don't want to, and honestly, I don't intend to.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to jump in too deep. I would like to start with just being friends with men. However, I honestly can't imagine waiting up to five years before looking for love again.

I wouldnt put a number on it.
Im sure DC means well, and they are probably dealing with statistics...but they cant apply any absolutes to anyone as they dont know each person individually.

2-5 years sounds good......on paper especially, but some folks are ready for marriage while the ink is still drying on the divorce decree.

Take me for instance.
When I divorced my first wife I was NOT ready for marriage again.
I did get married quickly and made the SAME mistakes I made the first time.
In all honesty, it had nothing to do with the marriages...either of them.
My problem was ME as far as being 'ready' for marriage.
Its not that I wasnt a good husband, I know I was.
Its that I was too dependant on everyone emotionally, I 'couldnt' be single, couldnt be 'me' without being in a marriage.
There was no 'me', quite frankly....I only existed to be completed and defined by being with someone else.

If I had waited 20 years after divorcing my first wife for adultery on her part, I still wouldnt have been ready for marriage. Time wasnt the problem with me, nor do I think its the problem with many others.

I think we are 'ready' for marriage when we finally are 'ok' with being individuals and dont 'need' to be married so badly that we cannot exist without being married. (I hope this is making some sense )

If you come to a point where you can look at yourself and honestly say "hey, you know what...*I* am fine by myself. Being married would be nice, but Im 'ok' with me and if I have to live alone, so be it, its all good "....then I think you are 'ready' for marriage because then you can actually discern the person you are marrying for what they are instead of what YOU want to see in them (which was a HUGE problem with me in my first two marriages).

Just a few cents worth of ramblings from a lunatic...

 

[SearcherKris]

If my husband continues to cooperate then the divorce should be final towards the end of May or begining of April. He starting to balk some, which scares me. I can't afford to pay the lawyer anymore.

I've had a lot of counseling both before and after I left him, and I'm still in counseling.

My husband is abusive and neglectful. He also commited adultry. I'm being taught how to look for a godly man, although I'm told to wait until the time is appropriate.

My Christian therapist who has been working with me since before I left my husband wants me to be friends with men now. He wants me to learn how to trust by practicing healthy relationships with healthy and trustworthy men. He thinks I can start dating as soon as my divorce is final if I the man is a Christian, if I'm not feeling any anxiety about it, and if the Holy Spirit leads me to the relationship. He wants me to seek God's will in the timing and the people.

DivorceCare, and the group leader, whom I have become friends with, say that I should not have any friends of the oposite sex right not because I'm vulnerable and need more healing time. This is what they recomend for everyone, because statistically most people who get into relationships soon after divorce usually make poor choices and end up with more pain.

 

[BrBob]

Four years.

Bob
Spearfish,SD

 

[libertybelle]

i represented myself. wrote up my own papers too. my ex's lawyer preferred to deal with me rather than his client. lol

it worked out well. my ex couldn't see what was being offered to him- i was fair and not outrageous. his lawyer liked what i offered and attempted to explain again and again to my ex how reasonable i was being. the lawyer's office then wrote up my dissolution and at the end of the three month waiting period it was finished.

unfortunately i had to take my ex to court again and again because he kept ditching out on the children. i think that was why it was so easy to represent myself. i find filing and writing what is needed to present to the court easy too.

 

[jessesgirl]

My husband and I were married two years and one month after my divorce was final, two and a half after H#1 and I split up officially. It has to be what's best for you. When you are able to stand on your own two feet and decide that you are an incredibly amazing human being- with or without someone else- then you are ready. When you are comfortable in your relationship with God and realize that HE is all you need, then you are ready. I know how lonely marriage can be, but I promise you that God has something SO GREAT in store for you. I am never lonely now and my husband is such a great man! and for you, sis!

 

[JohnDB]

So how do you know when you are ready and aren't going to make the same mistakes as before? My marriage was bad for years and years before it finally ended and where she may have asked for it...I more reasons to leave her than she ever had of leaving me. But that is a story for another day.

There have been a couple of relationships that I have engaged in since my divorce was final over a year ago.
But...the relationships, where comforting and enjoyable, weren't what I really was looking for. We all had some fun and some laughs...but there can't be anything permanant with most that I have engaged romantically with.

However...

There is one.

And this one scares me to the bone. I have never been so nervous about anyone before. I know I definately don't feel enough of a man even though I am trying the best that I can...I always wish I was more when I think of her...More successful, more witty, and more accomplished. But I am me. I wish I could be better in so many respects. She makes me want to strive to be so much more...

The relationship is going so slow and carefully though. Not even so much as a kiss. But there is steady and solid progress. We keep moving closer and closer together.

I ain't exactly a fool. I have done foolish things in the past but... She appears to like me for me.

About nine months after the divorce was final I sat down and went over a list of attributes that I liked about my ex and decided that these need to be there with whomever I decided to hook up with. (taking all of about two seconds) and then really thought hard about who it is that I really liked and admired and what it was about them and what I and future spouse really needed to have as far as attributes for living together successfully.

I looked at the list and stared hard at it...thinking that this is an impossible list. No one would be all that and still have anything to do with me that way...

Cept for this one woman. Amazing as it seems to me...
I don't know if this will turn out to be a miracle or not.
There is such a long time to go yet and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. She seems at times to be too good to be true. But there she is and so very real.

And that is what scares the living stew right out of me.

My heart is still kinda fragile. And things like this relationship working for only a short time can absolutely shatter it. I can't walk away/stop persuing it and I can't afford to get hurt.

 

[SearcherKris]

aww, bless you heart, John.

From what I have read that you have written, I'm willing to bet that you are a much better man than you think you are.

A failed marriage does a lot to our self confidence and ego. Feelings are tricky, and sometimes they are not a reflection of reality.

I think it is wise to go slow. But I wish you confidence in who you are in Christ. This woman obviously sees something of worth in you, or she would not be so willing to continue pursuing this relationship with you.

Blessings and grace to you, dear Brother.

 

[Tink04]

I finally was at a point in my life where I was completely free of the 'need' to be married...to be with someone just to not be alone.
Both times I married it was more a compulsion than for any good reason to marry.


My problem was ME as far as being 'ready' for marriage.
Its not that I wasnt a good husband, I know I was.
Its that I was too dependant on everyone emotionally, I 'couldnt' be single, couldnt be 'me' without being in a marriage.
There was no 'me', quite frankly....I only existed to be completed and defined by being with someone else.

Searcher I think this is the important part of the waiting before you get married again. Time is not the factor the healing that needs to be done is. For instance in my case I have been working on this for the last two years already. I didn't understand it at the time but this is what God told me to do. To become a single entity within my committed relationship. This is what people are talking about, on the other board when they talk about differentation. It's also what Sheila, Fish and I are talking about when they say that my stbx is "fused" with me. He simply can't handle the fact that I am separate from him and constantly needs me to validate him. If I do anything that says that I am separate from him, he is on the attack.

This is what they are talking about in DivorceCare when they talk about being single. To be a whole person in and of yourself. This is important to do even within marriage, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and not "need" someone else.

Having the want or desire for someone else is good. NEEDING another person is not.

 

[SearcherKris]

Ok TINK, I get that. God has been moving me into that for a while, too. I would not have been able to leave my husband if He had not.

I remember a specific conversation in which my husband yelled at me, "You just want me to make you happy!"

I said, "I don't need you to be happy. I love you, and I want you, but I don't need you."

I'd pay money to see the look on his face again.

I'm not certain that I am exactly there yet. I mostly have other issues which are major and not related to my marriage or the destruction of my marriage. They are problems that have plagued me for most of my life, which had nothing to do with my husband. I'm seeking healing in these other areas.

Somedays I feel very strong, and like I've almost got it all licked. Then other days I feel like a total looser with no hope. The strong days are more frequent than the looser days now.

 

[TexasSky]

To whoever made the remarks that we shouldn't let Cesear rule our lives - - Cesear is more pro-divorce than the bible, so be careful what you wish for. I do think that times divorce is what God wants. (Don't stone me). But I think that is really very, very rare.

That said - - --

Statistics show that for women, the second marriage is percentagly more likely to end in divorce than the first marriage was. And that the second marriage will endure about 1 + 1/2 years less than the first did. For men, the first marriage averages 7.9 years, and the second 7.5 years.

Psychologists think this is because of a lot of reasons, but mainly because womens desire for companionship cause them to leap into relationships more quickly. So quickly that they haven't really found themselves, or found out why they pick toxic spouses. Until you have really worked through why you chose a neglectful, abusive, cheating spouse the first time, and until you are sure your self-esteem is high enough that you can say, "I don't need a man," and instead say, "Hey, I'm happy alone, but that guy is a great friend I'd like to share my life with," you are highly at risk for repeating past mistakes, or making mistakes in the exact opposite direction which can be just as bad as repeating the same mistakes.

In my own case. I've been divorced for 7 years now, and I cannot imagine ever giving anyone that much input / control in my life again. I really can't. I have an Aunt who was divorced 49 years before she remarried, so I might surprise myself, but right now - - - even though I'm lonely, the peace, the freedom, the knowledge that the only disasters I have to deal with in my life are disasters I created is so freeing. I just cannot imagine remarriage, but I'm older, and my children are grown. I also cannot imagine being alone, for the majority of life, because my spouse did not live up to his end of the marriage contract - at all.

Only you know when you have healed enough.

 

[HuntingMan]

To whoever made the remarks that we shouldn't let Cesear rule our lives - - Cesear is more pro-divorce than the bible, so be careful what you wish for.

If one said that they didnt want Ceasar ruling their lives and marriages and Ceasar is more for divorce, then what is it that this person is supposedly wishing for that they shouldnt be?

Wanting Ceaser OUT of christian marriages would seem to be the best all the way around...dont you think ?

 

[DZoolander]

I think that as a culture - we're far too consumed with dates (calendar dates - that is).

That being said - there is a good reason why people say "you ought to wait". It takes a while to get over something like a failed marriage...and the longer you've been out of it - the more likely you are to have healed and moved on.

However - the date where healing "begins" does not necessarily begin on the day that your divorce is finalized. People use that as a litmus test to figure out when the grieving process begins - but often times grieving over something like a lost marriage begins long before the actual legal dissolution of marriage is recognized.

So - it's tricky.

When I divorced my first wife - I waited for almost 9 years before getting married again. I did not date anyone for a couple of years after we split - and did not "seriously" date anyone for a couple of years after that. That was me - though - and I really did *begin* grieving the loss of the marriage probably at about the same time that I divorced her. So - the timeline was about on target for me.

However - it sounds like you may be in a different spot. If you've recognized that it's been done for some time - maybe you're in a different place. Let your conscience and your own internal compass be your guide.

 

[overit]

If my husband continues to cooperate then the divorce should be final towards the end of May or begining of April. He starting to balk some, which scares me. I can't afford to pay the lawyer anymore.

I've had a lot of counseling both before and after I left him, and I'm still in counseling.

My husband is abusive and neglectful. He also commited adultry. I'm being taught how to look for a godly man, although I'm told to wait until the time is appropriate.

My Christian therapist who has been working with me since before I left my husband wants me to be friends with men now. He wants me to learn how to trust by practicing healthy relationships with healthy and trustworthy men. He thinks I can start dating as soon as my divorce is final if I the man is a Christian, if I'm not feeling any anxiety about it, and if the Holy Spirit leads me to the relationship. He wants me to seek God's will in the timing and the people.

DivorceCare, and the group leader, whom I have become friends with, say that I should not have any friends of the oposite sex right not because I'm vulnerable and need more healing time. This is what they recomend for everyone, because statistically most people who get into relationships soon after divorce usually make poor choices and end up with more pain.

Actually I partially agree, I think though that friendship with the opposite sex or light dating relationships are ok after the divorce-or if separated with paperwork already filed and it's just a matter of waiting for the courts.BUT, as far as serious dating and ESPECIALLY marriage I agree completely that more time could be needed. Also depends on how long you were married, the rule quoted a lot is something like whatever months per years of marriage...can't recall, but I remember when I heard it I agreed. I think women particularly if having been in an abusive relationship MUST, I repeate MUST have some time alone to heal, preferably a GOOD amount of time alone to heal. They are at the biggest risk or repeating the mistake or marrying just anyone simply because they aren't abusive but not compatible in the long run. Another issue is that after suffering abuse, certain co-dependency issues must be dealt with, as well as self esteem healing (no, not gained by having a wonderful boyfriend that acts like a bandaid to all the pain you are masking with a relationship), confidence level, sense of independence and knowing you can truly live alone and be happy and fulfilled with your OWN company and through Him, b4 launching to the arms of someone that will cover the silence and the dread some have of being alone. I know many co-dependent women and men, people that jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, and just can't be alone, even to the detriment of their own being and what God may be trying to teach them. I feel pity that they have their sense of life and happiness tied to someone other then God and how their own life should make them feel.Somehow society has tricked so many that the only right way to exists is as a couple-that's a load of crock. Don't be rushed to move on. You dont' have to wait 5yrs, I think that's a little much lol....but give yourself at least a couple years before any serious dating. Go ahead and have some male friends or small dates till then...you will know when you're ready by how happy you are with you current state of life. If you're miserable and lonely and unhappy, chances are there's still work He has for you to complete b4 you are ready.I have been out from my marriage almost 4 1/2yrs, with no intent of remarriage anytime soon-if ever.....and not even dating anyone really either. I have dated, casual and serious and semi-serious but boy am I glad I listened to the advice of the "experts" some condemn. Also, if you have kids you particularly want to REALLY consider this carefully. Don't jump to anything too soon, and yes emotionally you are at risk of "falling" for a casual date or male friend also, that's why you shoudl just proceed with caution-read your own clues if you start feeling too attached to someone and remind yourself the importance of loving yourself, healing and learning to be alone without that need and dependence on a guy. Once you reach that point, you're ready-and what's funny is that, sometimes like me, you reach that point of completely healed, faced the fears of being on your own and fighting your own battles and fighting loneliness , and you find you actually really like just being on your own, you find the thought of a partner almost unbearable for the adjustments you'de have to make. Loneliness should never be the reason anyone jumps to anything. You are at higher risk of heartbreak, divorce and failed relationships.

 

[TexasSky]

From a psychological stand point, divorce is like death. The same 5 stages of grief usually follow, and just as one is encouraged not to act too quickly on major life alterting things while still working through the stages of grief following death, one should not make major life altering changes following divorce - until they have healed and worked through many things.

Only the person knows when they have healed though.

 

[libertybelle]

An English teacher I had in high school had a saying that I have found practical use for over and over again in many situations.

"If in doubt. Leave it out."

 

[AirForceTeacher]

How long was it after your divorce?

I've filed for divorce, but it is not final. I have been living apart from my husband since last June (9 months). I don't have another man waiting for me. I've not been unfaithful. I've not pursued anyone.

However, I'm lonely. I've been lonely for my entire marriage. My marriage has been dead for years. I want to love deeply and be loved in return.

DivorceCare recomends 2-5 years after divorce before starting romantic relationships with new people. Do I really have to wait that long? I don't want to, and honestly, I don't intend to.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to jump in too deep. I would like to start with just being friends with men. However, I honestly can't imagine waiting up to five years before looking for love again.

I wouldn't go as long as DC recommends, and I'm not planning to, but too early and you're just patching a hole instead of wanting someone for who they are.

 

[PaladinWithGun2]

How long was it after your divorce?

I've filed for divorce, but it is not final. I have been living apart from my husband since last June (9 months). I don't have another man waiting for me. I've not been unfaithful. I've not pursued anyone.

However, I'm lonely. I've been lonely for my entire marriage. My marriage has been dead for years. I want to love deeply and be loved in return.

DivorceCare recomends 2-5 years after divorce before starting romantic relationships with new people. Do I really have to wait that long? I don't want to, and honestly, I don't intend to.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to jump in too deep. I would like to start with just being friends with men. However, I honestly can't imagine waiting up to five years before looking for love again.

...Maybe I'm being simplistic, but if you're looking to concentrate on finding a good Godly man and establishing a strong relationship based on friendship and true concern for each other, then the interval will take care of itself. As long as you're not rushing anything or allowing yourself to be rushed, then it takes as long as it takes. God bless you, sister.

 

[AMOG]

SearcherKris,

I can relate to your situation since I was emotionaly detached from the dead marrage long before it was legaly ended.

I also questioned the need to wait 2 years. In fact, I pretty much ignored it and started dating right away.

However, what I found was that even though I was emotionaly distant from my ex, just the act of the divorece being finalized, the new found freedom, the life change, produced noticable cycles in my feelings. And sure enough it took a couple of years to level out.

I'm pretty sure that any serious relationship during that time would have felt (and suffered from) the effects of those cycles.

Thats not to say you can't have productive relationships in those first couple of years but they can be more tumultuous then they will be afterwards. And the dynamics of that time in your life will likely be wierder then you expect. I know mine was.