I have to confess this secret...

[New Creation]

It seems pretty obvious, don't you think, where your security issues stem from? It might be best to distance yourself from your mom. I'm not saying stop communicating with her but a little distance may be healthy for you.
You have had some excellent insights about your past and into wanting the outside of your life to be pretty but forgetting the inside. GOOD FOR YOU. This is really KEY. Now what needs to happen is for you to separate your emotions from this issue because that is what is clouding things for you and encouraging you to consider unhealthy things.
I liked Dark Horses suggestion about LISTS. They can be very helpful. they can help you be objective.

I am so glad that you told your husband Ellie. It is a huge deal. good for you and him. You two will be bonded in a way you never have before because of the amount of trust you put in him (and in yourself for telling him!).

The memorial service is overwhelming, isn't it? I will never forget mine either. I am so glad that you were able to experience some healing from Rachel's Vineyard.

You are making some very important and BIG moves in your life right now Ellie. Take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep listening for God's voice sister. Everything will be ok.

 

[rockytopva]

In my experience forgetting and burying things has only allowed them to fester. I spent 20 years hiding and burying secrets and all it did was manifest itself in the forms of depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior and eventually chronic physical pain. Since addressing these past issues, working through them and releasing the past and myself from the guilt and shame, I feel so much freedom and actually my chronic widespread pain is gone!

I do understand that once we repent, God forgets our sins, so you're right, it is time to move forward and forget the past. But I still have to repent (in the presence of another) for some sins that have been left unaddressed for too long.

Elliemare... Well... You have much to be thankful for! Praise the Lord for working these things out for you!

 

[BlondieLashes]

How are you doing sweet Ellie? I've been keeping you and your husband in prayer.

 

[Elliemare]

I'm praying and trying to give the financial issues to God. I'm putting out resumes for a variety of jobs. I do work one day a week right now at a salon/day spa and the place just isn't busy enough. Last week I had one client (a $20 paycheck), this week I will most likely only have two clients. We just live in too rural of an area for a MT to be successful. I may have to commute for a decent job.

I keep trying to give this all to God and have faith and trust in Him to provide, but its just so hard. I'm tithing 10% of my puny paychecks, my husband had some extra expenses this month and hasn't been able to really "give" me any cash. I have bills of my own to pay (about $200 a month).

I really want to see a financial counselor at the church, but I'm not sure my husband thinks we need one.

I have to confess, I'm feeling that temptation to apply at the asian massage parlors again, even if its just for a little while, a few weeks, to get some bills paid while I look for another job. This is so frustrating, but at least I can talk to my husband about it now and I'm just praying...

I really do feel like the enemy is planting these seeds of insecurity and fear and every time I think negatively, I'm giving in to him... I have to break that cycle.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Ellie - I am sorry you are struggling so much. It sounds like financial counseling at your church would be a blessing if your husband would agree to it.

You've got to stay strong and not give in to the thought of the asian massage parlors...you and I know one week would turn into two and two into three, etc. and I know that's ultimately not what you want.

Stay strong and I will keep praying for you!

 

[Elliemare]

Well the Lord does answer prayers! I have been trying to give him my financial fears for some time and let Him provide... and He did! I had a very busy day today at work and I will have a nicer paycheck next week! What a relief.

I can see now that He will take care of our needs as long as we trust in God. Having a prayer answered like this just renews my faith and I think I can stay strong!

I have several job interviews coming up soon too and I'm trusting the Lord to guide me in the direction he wants me to go.

 

[saved24]

Well the Lord does answer prayers! I have been trying to give him my financial fears for some time and let Him provide... and He did! I had a very busy day today at work and I will have a nicer paycheck next week! What a relief.

I can see now that He will take care of our needs as long as we trust in God. Having a prayer answered like this just renews my faith and I think I can stay strong!

I have several job interviews coming up soon too and I'm trusting the Lord to guide me in the direction he wants me to go.

This is great news! Praying for your job interviews! Always know the Lord is in control and the job he wants for you is the best one for you. His ways are higher than our ways, and only He knows the future. God bless!

 

[gods prophetess]

lord i pray you will heal her from her past.she has confessed her sins so now move on her and heal her lord forgive her of her past mistakes in jesus name.open confesion is good for the soul be encouraged keep the faith your in my prayers

 

[BlondieLashes]

Well the Lord does answer prayers! I have been trying to give him my financial fears for some time and let Him provide... and He did! I had a very busy day today at work and I will have a nicer paycheck next week! What a relief.

I can see now that He will take care of our needs as long as we trust in God. Having a prayer answered like this just renews my faith and I think I can stay strong!

I have several job interviews coming up soon too and I'm trusting the Lord to guide me in the direction he wants me to go.

Yesssssssssssssss! Praise God!

 

[Elliemare]

Well praise the Lord... I just got a new job!!

I've been praying for a clear sign as to what job to take and today I found it!

Not only is this place an awesome facility with amazing amenities, but its more conveniently located than all of the other jobs I was considering. I still have to travel, because there just aren't any opportunities for me in this rural area, but I have no traffic to deal with and its only 20 miles rather than 40!

I'm so thrilled, the schedule is perfect too and there is room for growth, the pay increases the busier I get!

Praise God!!

 

[saved24]

This is great news Ellie! thanks for sharing

 

[hope4today]

Well praise the Lord... I just got a new job!!

I've been praying for a clear sign as to what job to take and today I found it!

Not only is this place an awesome facility with amazing amenities, but its more conveniently located than all of the other jobs I was considering. I still have to travel, because there just aren't any opportunities for me in this rural area, but I have no traffic to deal with and its only 20 miles rather than 40!

I'm so thrilled, the schedule is perfect too and there is room for growth, the pay increases the busier I get!

Praise God!!

That's fantastic news. So happy for you

Praise God!!

 

[Elliemare]

I've been trying to tithe as much as I can, and give my financial issues to God. I've been praying for this for some time.

I've been praying for other ways to tithe and give back as well, if I don't have the finances to do so. Yesterday at church I asked if they would like me to donate eggs for the morning service breakfast. They said yes! I have my own chickens and they should produce the 5 dozen that the church uses each week. I have been thinking of selling eggs for $2 a dozen, but I would rather donate them!

I also have a potential client from church coming to my home office soon too!

God is so good!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Ellie...sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I am so glad you are doing better.... Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Elliemare]

Things are going really great. Prayers are being answered left and right!

I offered to take lunch to a family who's daughter is in the hospital recently. I started stressing about the fact that I didn't have the cash to buy the groceries (and didn't want to ask the husband) I thought, "God wouldn't want me to put it on a credit card?" and I just prayed and had faith that He would provide. Well, the day I had to buy the groceries, my boss's mom got a massage from me and paid me cash... it was exactly the right amount to buy the lunch supplies for this family!

I'm also getting clients at my home office too! I'll be making some extra money this weekend and getting two more pay checks from my old job and starting my new job on Wednesday!

I haven't thought about a sex industry job in quite a while! Hasn't even crossed my mind! I know God will take care of me!

Oh, and I am making sure to tithe exactly 10% of everything I earn no matter what!

 

[hope4today]

It is so exciting to hear what is happening in your life. I'm so very happy for you

Sounds like you are growing in your trust in God. It's so lovely to hear

 

[Elliemare]

I am, but its not always easy. I've had some panic recently and negative thoughts again. Wanting to play god in my own life rather than trust in him, but I keep trying, even if I have to force myself. I have to resist the temptation of the enemy quite a bit. I still get scared and feel insecure, but I just keep trying and trusting and hoping my faith is strong enough to get me through and not take matters into my own hands... give them to God instead... easier said than done.

I do have to say I have had some prayers answered recently... again! We are refinancing on our mortgage and since we will be switching banks we were concerned that the new bank would make us hold the maximum amount of flood insurance required. Also, the lender questioned the appraised value of our house and wanted a second opinion. Everything came back good! No additional insurance required and the appraisal is okay too! We're good to go and having settlement next week! We're lowering our term and interest rate! God is so good!

 

[hope4today]

That's fantastic about the mortgage Elliemare

Learning to trust God is always a difficult journey. I think by the nature of trust it has to be because if all was going easy it wouldn't take trust. So I guess it has to be hard to trust for us to have the opportunity to trust..... that was rather round about but I hope it makes sense.... it did in my head anyway lol

As for you hoping your faith is enough I believe that trusting in him is trusting that he is enough.....He says all we need is the faith of a mustard seed (they're pretty tiny) and it also says he gives us the faith. So I believe that all it takes is looking to him and offering him whatever faith you have, no matter how little you think it is, and trusting his grace to make up the difference.

When we are weak, his strength is made known. You don't have to worry about whether you have enough faith. If we did that would make answered prayer about our 'goodness'. It isn't about us, it's about him. So all we have to do is look to him and trust him to take the meagre offering of faith we have and add his grace and mercy to it.

And clearly he is doing that with you right now

You know I just thought of the story in the gospels with the Pharisee (religious well off church goer) who came and put a large amount into the offering and the poor old widow who came and gave 1 mite (about 1cent). Jesus said the poor widow gave more than the Pharisee because he gave out of his excess but she gave all she had.

I pictured you as that widow who gave all she had. There are some who have known God all their lives and know all the 'right' God things to say but you are trusting out of you pain and fear and are trusting with as much as you can. The trust you offer God out of your pain and fear is worth more than all the 'faith-filled' words than some 'religious' people offer.

God loves you soooo much and he is very pleased with you because you are his precious daughter.

Sorry for the long post and I hope it all makes sense.

Bless you heaps

Hope

 

[Elliemare]

Learning to trust God is always a difficult journey. I think by the nature of trust it has to be because if all was going easy it wouldn't take trust. So I guess it has to be hard to trust for us to have the opportunity to trust..... that was rather round about but I hope it makes sense.... it did in my head anyway lol

Yes, that makes sense! If trust came easy it really wouldn't be necessary to "trust" now would it?!?! It would sort of be an oxymoron wouldn't it? Trust isn't trust if it doesn't require some level of difficulty, faith and apprehension?

You know I just thought of the story in the gospels with the Pharisee (religious well off church goer) who came and put a large amount into the offering and the poor old widow who came and gave 1 mite (about 1cent). Jesus said the poor widow gave more than the Pharisee because he gave out of his excess but she gave all she had.

I pictured you as that widow who gave all she had. There are some who have known God all their lives and know all the 'right' God things to say but you are trusting out of you pain and fear and are trusting with as much as you can. The trust you offer God out of your pain and fear is worth more than all the 'faith-filled' words than some 'religious' people offer.

Before I even got to this part of your post, I began thinking of this story from gospels! I have a vivid recollection of learning this story in sunday school when I was a child. We colored a picture of the Pharisee and the widow woman. I remember coloring the Pharisee's gold coins bright yellow and the widow woman's coins brown like an old copper penny. I do remember fully understanding the story even at that young age. I'm going to keep that picture in my mind!

Thank you!

 

[saved24]

Glad to hear the good things that are happening in your life and how you are trusting the Lord. Congrats on your mortgage and new customers.